|The Play Date
Author: Tricycle Of Awesomeness PM
A chance encounter between three little girls ends in parental panic attacks and putting one of the bad guys away. Based on the children from There is a Light, Fridays at Noon and Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire. AH/FUNRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Edward & Bella - Words: 9,775 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 16 - Published: 01-19-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7755150
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: We wanted to post this one-shot here on the new profile, just in case you haven't seen it before. You might wanna read it before diving into The Mash Up 2, "Welcome to NYC, Baby"... LOVE.
Brought to you by Troublefollows1017 (Pennyward's Faith from "Fridays at Noon"), Belladonnacullen (Little One, aka Thea from "There is a Light") and FictionFreak95 (Hanna, The Dick's kid, from "Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire").
Beta'd by the lovely SerenainNC. THANK YOU lady.
"THE PLAY DATE"
SUMMARY: A chance encounter between three little girls ends in parental panic attacks and putting one of the bad guys away. Based on the children from three Twilight FanFiction stories by three ladies who like to have fun with their characters.
~ Hanna ~
"You're kidding, right Grandpa?"
He wasn't really gonna make me go play all by myself, was he?
He wouldn't do that.
Not to his favorite granddaughter.
"Go on, kid, you'll be fine."
"But I don't know anybody." I held on tight to his hand with my really, really sweaty one. Mommy says hands sweat when you're nervous about something. I wasn't nervous, I was just... really not wanting to go be around a bunch of strangers, that's all.
Daddy says strangers suck and you can never trust them, no matter how much candy they offer you.
"Well," Grandpa wiggled his shoulders a little. "Go, get to know them."
Then he let out one of his sighs. Grandpa was always letting out those sighs when I came to visit. I think he has a breathing problem. "Hanna, your mom and... dad left you with me because they trust me." He bent down a little. "You trust me, don't ya?"
"Ye...eahhhh..." I told him, wondering what he was tricking me about this time. Grandpa was always tricking me. Old people liked doing that to kids I guess.
"Then go out there and make some friends. I guarantee you'll have fun."
"But," I whispered the next part so no one would hear me. "Kids don't like me much, Grandpa, it's a proven statistic."
It really was.
Seven out of ten kids in my first grade class back home avoided playing with me at all costs a lot of the time. I always end up playing tag with Ben Hurley, and he tags me when we play chase by wiping his boogers on my new shirts. It's gross.
And even though I'm better at kick ball than most kids, I always get picked last because Betsy Summers says I have cooties and when it's time for snacks in the afternoon, she always makes sure I get the warmest milk.
Have you ever drank warm milk?
The only person I've ever really got along with the best is Lilly. That's my Uncle Emmett's daughter. We're cousins. Daddy says to make sure she doesn't fill my head with crazy ideas about being a police officer like Uncle Emmett some day, but me and her, we're like peas in a pod. She's the best.
But she's not here.
Not in Forks, Washington. With Grandpa. Who's trying to make me go find new friends at some park he takes me to every time I visit. Usually he just let's me sit next to him and make mud pies or read a book or something while he reads his paper on the park bench but for some reason, this time, he wants me to …
"What'd you tell me I should do today, Grandpa?"
"Stretch your wings, kid."
Right. Stretch my wings.
I looked around the playground. There were some coolish looking girls hanging from the monkey bars behind the slide but they looked an awful lot like Betsy Summers to me. With their excellent clothing choices and their perfect hair pulled back into perfect ponytails.
Mine never seemed to stay up. There were always these little pieces falling out of it making me look like I just woke up from a bad dream, Mommy always says and then Betsy Summers would always say I was a street person or something, then the whole class would laugh.
Hey, it's not like I don't know how to take care of myself, I've played the occasional prank on Little Miss Sunblock and maybe even accidentally tripped her right next to an ant pile or two after some of her extra annoying teases but due to a recent... um... event, Daddy's been trying to get me to keep my hands to myself and my nose outta trouble.
God I hate her. But anyway, so, yeah, things were not looking too good at the playground, if ya ask me.
I let out a sigh that sounded a lot like Grandpa's.
Maybe it's a sickness and I caught from him.
Oh no, maybe I was sick.
Maybe he should take me back to his house and...
Grandpa gave me a shove and said, "Go on, Hanna." Then he sat down and started reading his newspaper, leaving me alone to fend for myself. "I'll be right here."
Daddy was not gonna be happy about this.
I made my way over to the squishy part of the play area, eventually. Looking back every few feet to see if Grandpa was really paying attention to where I was... in case some crazy person tried to steal me. Daddy says crazy people like the playgrounds. That there's a sixty-two percent chance I could get taken if I'm not being careful.
That's what made Mommy wanna teach me how to punch big men in their private parts, probably. You know, just in case.
Daddy calls them nuts... or balls, but he doesn't want me to keep on using those kinds of words since my principal doesn't seem to like them and yells at him every time I get in trouble for saying them at school. She's not very nice, my principal.
I wondered if Grandpa was trying to lose me, when someone snuck up on me.
It was one of the Betsys.
"Hi, what's your name?"
~ Faith ~
Mommy says that people need people. No one likes to be alone, not even Daddy, even when he says he wants to be. Mommy says that if you treat people the way you want to be treated, they'll treat you that way, too. Except for Miss Rosalie. Daddy says it doesn't work on everyone.
Daddy and Tyler brought us to the park by Grandpa Charlie's. Daddy was holding Alec, which meant Tyler was going to have to push me on the swings today. He's pretty good at it. Daddy doesn't let me get too high. He says Mommy would be mad if he brought me home broken.
Tyler isn't scared of Mommy. He pushes me really high when we go to the park at home.
Grandpa's park is fun. There are giant trees around the playing part that has swings, three slides, monkey bars, a merry-go-round, a climbing wall, and all these ramps and bridges to walk across. Alec can't go on any of it because he's too small. Sometimes babies are kind of boring. I didn't tell Mommy or Daddy that, but I did tell Lala. She said Alec would get exciting someday and I won't have to wait too long. I believed her because if Lala says, it must be true.
"Stay where we can see you, Pennylove." Daddy was smiling at me. He's been smiling lots since Mommy and Alec got home from Africa. Daddy likes being with Mommy more than anybody, even me. And he loves me a lot. Like to infinity. But he loves Mommy like crazy I heard him say once. Boys are so weird.
I waved at Daddy and Alec as I ran over to the first slide. Up at the top, I could see everything. Like when we're on the roof at home. There were a couple kids here today who could be my friends. I spotted one right away. She looked nice, but kinda scared. Maybe she didn't know how much fun this park was. I would have to show her.
I zoomed down the tornado slide (because that's my favorite) and tried to find my new friend. She was looking over at the old guy on the bench. He was reading the paper. I bet Tyler would push her on the swings too.
"Hi, what's your name?" Mommy says you should always ask their name and then tell them yours.
~ Hanna ~
"Uh..." Was she talking to me? "Are you talking to me?" I pointed at myself. Ya had to be real careful with those Betsy types.
"Yes, silly. Who else would I be talking to?"
She coulda been talkin' to that crazy eyed lookin' kid over in the sand box.
I shrugged. "Um. Hanna, what's yours?"
"Faith. That's my brother Alec over there," she said, pointing over my shoulder. "He can't play because he's a baby. Babies are kinda boring. Wanna be my friend? We can go on the swings and Tyler can push us really high." Now she pointed over my other shoulder.
I felt my forehead scrunching like Daddy's does a lot when Mommy says stuff that he doesn't understand.
I looked over at the man she was talking about. He was... really tall. And big. And really, really tall. I mean like, he was way more bigger than Uncle Emmett and Daddy combined and he had the hugest arms I have ever seen in my entire LIFE.
She wanted me to let that guy push me on the swings?
I don't think so.
He was just a little scary looking, if ya ask me.
Then I found the other man she was talking about too, the one with the baby.
He must a been the "wife".
"Those your dads?"
"Dads? I only have one dad, silly silly. Tyler is Mommy's best, best friend. She calls him her fiddy fiddy or something like that. Sometimes grownups are weird."
I scrunched up again. Even more this time. "Do you say everything twice?"
That's a real sickness you know. There was a boy in my class last year that used to say stuff twice all the time. He was fun. But then he left school and didn't come back this year. Mommy said he had something called all tizm or something and had to go to another school that had other kids like him to play with.
I can't imagine twenty kids all saying everything twice. That would make Daddy crazy.
"Never mind." I checked out the big guy again. Then realized the man she said was her real daddy was holding a baby that didn't look like her.
I mean, he wasn't the same color. He looked more like the big guy she wanted me to let push me on the swing.
"Well, does your daddy know your mommy has a baby with her fiddy fiddy? Or... whatever? I mean, he has to know that's not his kid."
Faith got this funny look on her face. "Huh? Mommy got Alec with Uncle Jasper and Grandpa. Tyler and Daddy had to bring me home. I had school and ballet. I'm really, really good at ballet."
What was I getting myself into?
"Your mommy... had a baby? With your uncle and grandpa?" I leaned over to whisper to her so no one else would hear us. "You know that's illegal in a lotta places? My daddy says people who have babies with relatives aren't right."
"You are so silly! Mommy can't have babies in her belly. What's lalegal mean?"
"Illegal's when you do something that's not nice and the poh-poh - that's what my daddy calls them - when they come and take you away for a long, long time. It's kinda like cheating on a test at school and you get sent to the principal's office or time out, only for really big people.
Sometimes my mommy says Daddy is gonna get 'rested one of these days 'cause he doesn't know where to draw the line, but he says he knows what he's doing, he has a special piece of paper that says he's allowed to break some laws. As long as it's for the good guys."
"My mommy is really nice. She never does illegal. Daddy either. I hope the poh poh never comes to get me. I'm really, really nice. I promise."
"Yeah, you seem okay, even if you are a Betsy."
"Betsy? Daddy calls me Penny. No one ever calls me Betsy. Wanna go on the swings? Tyler! Can you push me and Hanna on the swings? Pleeeeease?" She leaned in to whisper, "Daddy never tells me no. Tyler does if I don't use my manners."
"I like swings, but... that big guy... he's a little scary."
"Tyler? He's a superhero. You can't be scared of a superhero!"
"He doesn't work for the police, does he?"
"He works for my dad. Daddy's the boss of everyone. 'Cept Mommy. Mommy is the boss of herself."
I giggled hard. All mommies must be like that. "Your daddy doesn't work for the gloverment does he?"
She shrugged. "I don't know what that is."
"That's where people get in charge of things and then turn into bad guys. That's what Daddy says anyway. Your daddy's not a politician is he? Daddy doesn't like politicians either."
"My daddy told me he makes computer stuff. But I only see him talk on the phone. He's a good guy, not bad. I swear. He makes schools and hospitals and stuff like that, too. He works in a big huge building with his name on the top. You have to go in two elevators to get to his office. Mommy lets me push the button in the first one but the second one we need Miss Maggie's key."
That actually sounded like fun. Daddy would like that computer stuff. And I'd like the elevators.
Faith was one of the good guys, I thought. She definitely was not a Betsy Summers. No matter how she dressed.
"Okay, let's go."
"Someone need a push?"
~ Faith ~
Hanna was really silly. She said funny words and was scared of Tyler. Tyler! Tyler protects people from bad guys and makes sure Mommy and me get where we're supposed to go. He's not even a little scary. Hanna needs to stop being so scared. That's what I think.
I grabbed Tyler's hand and led him over to the swings. Hanna still looked a little scared. "Come on, Hanna! It's gonna be so fun. I bet we can kick the clouds."
Tyler helped lift me up on the seat, and I hung on really tight like Mommy tells me to. "She's a little bit scared of swings and boys, I think. Don't push her too high, " I told Tyler before Hanna came over. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
"Your dad doesn't want me to push you too high either, Little One."
"Little One?" A pretty girl, who could be my friend, popped up in front of me. Good thing Tyler didn't start pushing me yet.
Hanna sat in the swing next to me and was staring at the girl like she was trying to see inside her brain. Maybe she thought this girl was Betsy, too.
"Your dad calls you Little One? My dad calls me that."
"My dad calls me Penny. Wanna swing with me and my best friend, Hanna?"
I heard Hanna make a noise like Mommy makes when Daddy says something silly.
Then she waved. "My dad just calls me Hanna."
"Sure," my second best friend, Little One, said.
All three of us swinged so high. Even Hanna. I told Little One that Tyler was a superhero so she didn't get freaked out like Hanna. We were giggling and shouting to my dad and their grandpas. I think Little One was with her grandpa. He kind of looked like Daddy but he was really, really old.
"Hey Faith!" Hanna yelled as we swinged even higher than last time.
"Why does your daddy call you Penny if your name is Faith?"
This was a long story. I tried to make it short. "A long time ago, before I was born, my daddy gave my mommy like a million pennies. Right, Tyler?"
Tyler was laughing as he pushed me. "Almost a million."
"Oh. Almost a million and Mommy decided to love him and then they had me, and Daddy calls me Penny because it makes him think about love. He loves me. A lot. Like to infinity. Right, Tyler?"
Hanna made a face like she was thinking. "My daddy gave Mommy a daisy once. I wonder why he doesn't call me Daisy." Then she looked over at Little One. "Does your daddy call you Little One because he gave your mommy a Little One?"
"A little one of what?" I asked, feeling confused when Hanna talked again. She was older than me and knew lots of stuff I didn't.
Hanna tried to explain, "I don't know, but this one time, I walked in on my daddy and mommy and he was saying something about giving her a little something..."
"Okay!" Tyler said really loud. "I think that's enough swinging . Why don't you guys come on the merry-go-round. I'll push, you won't be able to talk. That will be way more fun."
~ Little One ~
"Cool!" I yelled because I love the merry-go-round, specially when it goes really fast for a long, long time until I get dizzy and it's like the world is spinning and sometimes I fall down. I raced Hanna and Penny and I was beating Penny, easy, but Hanna was really fast. I was cool with being second fastest.
I'm second tallest in ballet, and that's cool too.
I slowed down because Hanna was winning, anyway. Penny smiled really big when I walked next to her instead of trying to beat her anymore.
"Have you ever taken gymnastics? My mom signed me up at this big gym by our house. I can almost do a cartwheel on the balance beam."
"I can do five somersaults in a row," Penny said.
"That's really good!" It was good for someone as small as Penny.
"How many somersaults can you do, Tyler?"
"I don't summer salt. I summer pepper." Penny's black daddy was laughing like he told a joke. I don't think he knew what we were talking about. What the heck did salt and pepper have to do with gymnastics?
"Faith, I'll be right over to push you," he said, jogging over to the other guy with the baby that looked more like him. He was totally going to be last. They talked real close and looked over at Penny and smiled.
"So, um, how come your daddy called you Little One before, but you say he calls you Penny?" I asked Penny. I thought it was something like how my daddy called me Little One and kiddo, and when he was really angry, my real name.
"No, no, not Tyler." Penny laughed. "I mean my daddy - right there," she said and pointed at the tall man with the little baby who was talking to the guy I thought was Penny's daddy, and I was so excited.
"Wow! That's so cool! My daddy is gay too!" I said. No one in my class at school or in ballet had a gay daddy, but sometimes some of the other kids said the art teacher, Mr. McDonald, is gay, but Daddy says he isn't. I'm not so sure.
"Huh?" Penny asked.
"Oh, right. My daddy likes other boys, too, just like your daddy. But Mommy says he's in a slump, but I think he really likes Jared because he keeps a picture of him and he told Mommy that she could keep a picture of him too."
"What?" Penny asked, and I giggled, because sometimes I forget and I talk really fast and a lot.
"We – both – have – gay - daddies. That's – really - cool!" I said, nice and slow to Penny so she'd understand.
"My daddy's gay?" Penny asked when we stopped by Hanna and the merry-go-round.
"Her dad's not gay," Hanna whispered in my ear. "I already asked."
"Are you sure?" I asked Hanna. She shrugged. Her ponytail was falling out all over the place, but I could totally fix it, but she looked kind of tough and I didn't know if she wanted me to fix it. She was bigger. Penny was littler. I was right in the middle. I was going to ask about Hanna's ponytail and fixing it, but that's when Penny's not-a-daddy got there.
"Tyler, is my daddy gay?" Penny asked when he finally got to the merry go round.
"Ha!" Tyler laughed. He was big, but he seemed nice. "I don't think so, Little One."
"You know how you know for sure?" I told them. "If he likes other boys in the kissing way." I looked really hard at Penny's daddy, trying to figure it out. He kissed the little boy baby, but that didn't count. I bet my daddy would know for sure.
Tyler was laughing a lot and he told us we had to get on the merry-go-round quick before we got him into trouble and that didn't make a lot of sense to me, but I liked the merry-go-round.
We all did, we laughed a lot. It made Hanna smile. She looked pretty when she smiled and I was totally going to fix her ponytail, but then an old man waved at Hanna and she looked a little shy. She saw me looking and then she looked at Edward.
I waved to Edward and he smiled really, really big.
"Are you here with your grandpa, too?" Hanna asked when she looked at Edward.
"That's not my grandpa!" I laughed.
"Is he your gay daddy?" Penny asked.
"No, silly," I said. "That's Edward. He used to be a rock star. Do you know The Masens?" I asked my two new friends. Hanna shook her head, but Penny laughed.
"I'm a Masen! So is my whole family." The space between her eyes pinched together. "Wait. 'Cept for Tyler, Lala, Uncle Jasper, Aunt Alice, all my grandmas and grandpas, Uncle Emmy, Liam, Jake, Seth, Claire, Leah..."
I wasn't so sure she knew what she was talking about. She had a giant family, but it sounded like she did NOT know The Masens at all. She was younger than me and Hanna, so I cut her some slack.
"I know The Masens," Tyler said. I gave him a fist bump. He was cool, even if he wasn't gay like my daddy or a rock star like Edward.
"Edward is here meeting my grandpa for the first time because he likes my mommy in the kissing way," I told everybody. They looked confused.
"So he wanted to meet my grandpa because that's what you do when you like someone in the kissing way, but it makes Daddy nervous, but it makes Mommy giggly because she really likes Edward. I like him too. Sometimes he gets nervous around Daddy. Mommy says he's jealous."
"You talk a lot," Hanna told me.
She was right.
~ Faith ~
Tyler was spinning us really fast. Like so fast I had to hold on with two hands. So fast that I was laughing so hard that no sound came out of my mouth and I could barely get a breath. So fast that Daddy came over and told him to spin us slower. Daddy was usually more funner than this. But ever since Mommy came home with Alec, he's been trying to be extra good for her.
"Daddy, Hanna and Little One want to go faster. We aren't babies." My two new best friends were totally old and totally not babies. I didn't want them to stop being friends with me because they thought I was a baby. I was not. I could spell more words than anyone at my school and was already reading books. Mommy said I got my brain from Daddy, which is kind of gross. On Halloween, I saw this thing in a jar at this place and the guy said it was a brain and it looked really squishy and bumpy and gross and I did not want Daddy to give me any brains. Ever.
"Don't give me a hard time, Pennylove. You girls can have fun going medium speed. I'm good with medium."
"Medium is boring!" I shouted because I was mad. Because he was embarrassing me in front of my best friends.
"Medium is good," Hanna said, looking a little green all the sudden. "Maybe we can go play hide and seek instead."
Great. Daddy ruined the merry-go-round.
"Don't go too far. Tyler, stay with Faith."
I slid off the merry-go-round and put my hands on my hips like Mommy does when she's going to tell him he's being silly.
"How can I hide me and Tyler? I'm small, he's big. He can't hide with me!"
Just then I saw Daddy make a face. It was the face he made every time Alec made a poop.
"Tyler, come help me first, then you can 'supervise' hide and seek without giving away Penny's hiding spot."
I rolled my eyes and took off with my best friends. Little One took my hand and gave it a little squeeze. She was so nice and pretty. Her skin was different than mine but not as dark as Alec and Tyler's. It was kind of like Jake and Seth's.
"Does that guy have to follow you everywhere?" Hanna asked as we weaved our way through the huge trees. "Cause when people follow my dad, he gets really mad and stuff and then he makes up his own game. He calls it hide and kick the douche in the balls. Is Tyler a douche?"
"I don't know. He's security. And I never seen him play with balls before." Sometimes Hanna made my head spin like the merry-go-round.
"They're actually called testicles, you know. They hold the boy part of a baby. My mom told me," Little One said, letting go of my hand.
"You sound like my principal." Hanna giggled.
"What are testicles?" I asked, feeling so confused. There were boy parts in babies? Girl babies and boy babies?
"Balls." Little One and Hanna spoke at the same time.
Balls? I knew about basketballs and soccer balls. I heard about baseballs and meatballs. I never heard they were testicles. That was going to make me sound super smart at school when I called them by their fancy name.
"Yeah, that's where the sperm are," Little One continued to explain. "Now that's something my dad gave my mom!"
"Should we change your nickname to Little Sperm?" Hanna asked, still making herself laugh.
This conversation was really silly. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I was doing my best to pretend I did. I noticed we had walked all the way into the woods around the park. I couldn't even see Daddy and Tyler from here.
Hanna spoke up, "Do you guys want me to be it first? I'm an excellent counter."
I nodded. I was going to find the best hiding place ever. I was a really good hider.
~ Hanna ~
I was really liking these two girls. Even though they had funny names, Penny made me laugh a lot and Little One seemed really cool, she even knew what balls were.
I hid my eyes thinking about them as I counted. I wondered if Daddy and Mommy would let me come visit grandpa a lot more. Or if maybe their Daddy's would let them come back to Grandpa's with me to play some more after it was time to leave the park.
I was thinking so much about Penny and Little One that I forgot what number I was on, but I was pretty sure I'd been counting till way over a hundred, so I looked up to call out to them but when I did, I jumped I was so scared.
Some old guy was staring at me and I got really hot and sweaty cause I was nervous about where Penny and Little One might have been. But then I remembered Daddy always telling me that when I'm in a situation like that, never ever let the bad guys know you're nervous.
So I smiled.
He didn't answer me and I didn't know how far away Penny and Little One were, so I talked a lot louder after that.
Maybe he was deaf and just lost or something.
"What's your name?" I yelled out. He still didn't say anything back, but he did start walking toward me. I knew his name. It was Stranger Danger. I wasn't born yesterday.
I kinda looked around a little bit to see if maybe even that really big guy, Tyler, was coming out to see where Penny was, but he wasn't.
"You lost?" he asked me as he got a little closer, and all I could do was shake my head.
Where were my two new bestest friends anyway?
Did they run to get someone?
Did this old guy already hide them somewhere?
"You look lost," he told me, and I started backing away from him. Daddy always tells me to keep a look out for the quickest exit, but the woods didn't have an exit, really. I wasn't even sure which way we'd come from. But he didn't know that.
I stopped and got my mean face on, just like Mommy taught me. "You don't know who you're dealing with."
He laughed and I swallowed really hard. I was getting really scared, but Daddy says they're more scared than you are most of the time. So I tried to remember that.
"You are a feisty one, aren't you? So sweet looking but all fire underneath. You want to be my friend and help me find my puppy? My puppy is lost, I need some help." The old guy was really close now, and I was super glad this douche found me and not Penny. I think she might have believed him. I did not. Then I remembered what to do. I was just telling Penny and Little One as a matter of fact.
But just right when I thought it, Little One popped up out of her hiding place.
"Oh man, Edward's not gonna like you being out here with us," she told him and then he looked over at her. And when he wasn't looking, I played kick-the-douche-in-the-balls with him.
He bent over and started saying a bunch of words Daddy likes to say.
"Go back to the park, get help!" I told Little One. Penny was still out here somewhere and this loser was not going to get his hands on her if I could help it.
"Come and get me, dickwad!" I taunted him. Then I ran the opposite way Little One did.
~ Little One~
I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Suddenly, all the grown ups I was looking for were there. Edward, Hanna's grandpa, Penny's daddy, and thank the lord - the biggest, baddest of them all - that Tyler dude. He was going to mess. That. Guy. Up.
"There's a Chester the Molester in there! He was trying to get us!" I screamed and pointed back where I came running from. My mommy had warned me never to get in cars with guys who were older than me because not everyone was nice like Edward. Most old guys trying to get girls in the backseat were not nice. That's what Daddy says, too.
Tyler did not stop, he did not pass go, he moved super fast for a big, huge guy. Maybe he was a superhero just like Penny said.
"We were right over there playing hide and seek," I told them, pointing in the direction of the clearing.
"Where's Faith?" Penny's daddy looked a little bit like a crazy person. "Faith! Faith Elizabeth!"
Oh man, he was double naming her. This was not good. When Mom called me Thea instead of Little One, I knew I was in trouble. I hoped Faith wasn't in trouble.
Edward picked me up and was looking me over for who knows what. I was fine. I was worried like Penny's daddy.
"Where's Hanna?" her grandpa asked. He started mumbling something about his daughter ripping his balls off. Boy, Hanna's family really had it out for testicles.
Everyone started yelling for Penny and Hanna. We were all walking through the woods until we heard a loud scream. Everyone started running then.
I wasn't wrong about one thing. That Tyler guy was kicking that guy's...
~ Hanna ~
Ass. That guy was not just a douche, he was an ass (don't tell my mom I said that, I'll get in trouble). He was an ass who was getting the spanking of a lifetime. I don't even know where the big guy came from. All I know is one minute I was climbing a tree and pelting the douchey old guy with rocks and stuff, and the next minute that big huge friend of Penny's was wailing on him like he was a sock puppet.
Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Captain America, you name it, they had nothing on Tyler. He was like the black Thor, without the hair or the hammer. His hammer was his huge fists that were currently smashing the bad guy to a pulp.
"Get him Big Guy!" I yelled out, and then I saw Little One with her Edward and Penny's dad and … uh oh. Grandpa.
"Hanna! What in the hell..."
"We didn't do anything Grandpa, we were just playing hide and seek and that guy," I pointed to the mushy pile of douche that Tyler was dragging now. "Decided he wanted to play. I tried to tell him he didn't know who he was dealing with, but he didn't listen Grandpa."
"Where's Faith!" Penny's dad was all crazy looking. Kinda like Daddy when he was losing a fight with Mommy and I told him, "She's here somewhere, she wouldn't come out though. I called and called for her but she didn't answer, I think she either doesn't know the game's over or she's too scared to come out."
"Let's find her, then," Little One said and then she took my hand and we helped her Edward and Penny's Daddy and my grandpa find her while the Big Guy took Mr. Douche for a little talk, he said.
I don't really think he was gonna do much talking though. If ya ask me.
I waved to the douche. "Bye!"
And Daddy was right. That guy looked way more scared than I ever could be.
I was the bestest hider in the whole wide world. Hanna was never going to find me. I ran like the wind until I found the tree with the big cut in it. I was just the right size to squeeze myself inside. I felt like I was a tree fairy. I thought about how cool it would be to live in a tree. All the forest animals would be my friends. I would have pretty pink wings and could fly over the treetops. I could sing with the birds and the bunnies would follow me around when I walked on the ground, looking for berries. They would eat the berries right out of my hand, like Eclipse eats apples out of my hand. Eclipse is a horse of course. She couldn't live in the forest. I wondered if she missed us when we were gone. I would have to ask Daddy if we could take sugar cubes down there when we got back because I bet she was lonely without us. Cupcake had Lala. She shouldn't miss me too much. I would have to give her some sugar cubes too even though Daddy says not to give her table food. Sugar cubes weren't table food. I don't think. I wasn't sure. I would have to ask Lala.
Boy, it was taking Hanna a really long time not to find me.
Oh! Hanna had to get the daddies to help? She really must be mad that I am such a good hider.
"Baby, please come out. It's okay. No one's going to hurt you, Pennylove. Please come out!"
Daddy sounded really sad. I didn't like that one bit. I squeezed myself out of the tree.
"There she is!"
They were all running at me. I bet they couldn't believe that a four-year old could be the bestest hider ever.
"Did I win?"
Daddy ran up and snatched me up even though he was holding Alec, too. He hugged me so hard I could barely breathe. Hanna and Little One were holding hands and ran up. They were breathing so hard I thought maybe they ran a million miles to find me.
Whoa, sometimes Hanna could talk so fast, I had no idea what she was saying. Maybe you learn that in big kid school. Along with fancy words like testicles.
~ Little One~
"Hanna just totally kicked a bad guy's butt! And then your daddy's superhero boyfriend finished him off! It was so scary and cool! But then you were lost and your daddy was so scared."
"What?" Penny asked. I forgot she needed slow talking sometimes.
"Hanna - just - totally - kicked -"
"I told you not to disappear on me, Pennylove," her daddy interrupted.
"I'm just a really good hider, Daddy! Can you put me down, now? I'm not a baby like Alec."
"She is a really good hider," I told Faith's daddy. "She ran so fast and I didn't even see where she went. And Hanna's a really good ball kicker. She kicked that douche right in the testicles. I bet he doesn't even have any sperm left after that!"
Edward looked like he was trying not to laugh. He wasn't making any sound cause his lips were pressed really tight together, but his eyes were kind of laughing. Faith's daddy was not laughing at all. I think Hanna's grandpa was kind of proud of her, and scared too.
"There's no reason to be scared," I told him. "The big, gay superhero took care of the bad guy."
This time Edward really did laugh a little, but Faith's daddy gave him a look that told him this wasn't funny. I knew that look. It was the same look Mommy gave Daddy when he asked her if she was still just kissing Edward. Mommy is always kissing Edward.
Her dad was not letting her go. He carried her and her brother out of the woods.
"I think we better head back to your grandpa's, Thea," Edward whispered down by my ear, taking my hand in his. "And maybe we want to keep this thing between you and me."
Edward was funny. There was no way I was not going to tell Mommy about the two bestest friends I ever made in my whole life and the bad guy and the superhero. And I was totally not going to miss seeing the police come and take the bad guy away. I pulled Edward along, we needed to get to the bench first so we could have the best view.
"And the policeman put his siren on. It was so loud and the lights were flashing on top and the headlights, too. Tyler held the guy, even though he was sleeping and kinda bleeding a little bit. Then the policeman helped wake him up and then the ambliance came."
"Ambulance," Daddy muttered.
"Yeah, the ambulance came and they looked at the guy because Hanna kicked his sperm and Tyler beat him up because he was trying to steal Hanna, Mom. I'm serious. It was totally crazy."
Mommy still had that weird look on her face. Her mouth was kinda open, but no words were coming out. So, I kept talking. "Daddy was kinda mad when I ran to sit by Little One, but she had the best seat to see the police car. It was so cool. And the policeman knew Grandpa and everything. Hanna did not come by the police. She thinks the police are scary. I think she's scared of a lot of things. Maybe just boys. I'm not sure. She thought Tyler was scary until she saw him catch the bad guy. Daddy, do you think Tyler will get the key to the city?
Little One said that sometimes when you do something big, the mayor gives you the key to the city. She said that her mommy got one. She writes books or something but not kid books, big people books. I think catching bad guys is way bigger than writing a book. Don't you think so, Daddy?"
Daddy was on the couch, holding his head in his hands. He wasn't talking either. Why didn't they want to talk to me about this? This was the best day of my life! I was the best hider in hide and seek, I had two new friends, and we caught a bad guy and got to see a police car. I flopped down on the floor and spread my arms and legs out like we do when we make snow angels. I stared up at the ceiling and smiled, thinking about how totally awesome my day was and how Lala and Aunt Alice were going to like this story way more than Mommy.
"I shouldn't have let her out of my sight," Daddy said real quiet and like he was watching a sad movie like that one where the dog dies at the end. I cried for ten million hours after that movie, and Mommy told Grandma Renee I was too young to watch anything but G movies. Sometimes Mommy thinks I am still a baby, but I'm not.
"It will never happen again. I swear," Daddy whispered to Mommy, but I could still hear.
Mommy scooted over, closer to Daddy and wrapped her arms around him. He let go of his head and hugged her back. Mommy is sometimes the only thing that makes Daddy not so grumpy. I pulled myself up and tried to join in on the hug. Mommy says I make Daddy happy, too. Our love is like magic to him.
"I am so glad you were the best hider today," Mommy said, holding my cheek with her hand.
"Next time, you wait for Daddy or Tyler. Sometimes the grown ups have to take care of Alec and you have to wait. No matter what. Even if your friends have to go on without you. Do you understand?"
I nodded because she had that face that meant she was not changing her mind no matter what. It was the face that always made Daddy stop talking.
"Not because I'm a baby but because Alec is a baby, right?" Mommy smiled (finally) and nodded her head. "Good. Because I'm not a baby. I'm big like Hanna and Little One."
"Sounds like you made some good friends at the park."
"The best. Hanna told me about how the gloverment is bad and that the poh-poh will put you away if you're bad. But I told her you and Daddy were really good. She also knew lots about balls. Little One knows big words like testicles and sperm. I'm totally going to be so smart when I go back to school."
Mommy and Daddy both had their mouths open and no words coming out.
I figured I would ask one more question. "And Little One's dad is gay like Daddy and Tyler. She said that's cool. I'm cool, too, right? I'm totally gay. Right?"
Daddy's face turned real red and Mommy covered her mouth with her hand. My parents are so funny. And cool. And gay. I think.
~ Little One~
"And then Hanna kicked him right in the testicles! Hanna is SO cool."
Mommy raised her eyebrows and looked nervous. Edward bit his bottom lip. He'd been doing that a lot ever since we got the bad guy and saved the day. He was very, very quiet when we walked back to Grandpa's house, so I just talked and talked. Daddy says I'm really good at filling the silence up. I'm good at lots of things, like singing and dancing and telling stories and running - like when I ran to get Edward today.
"And Faith was so little and so smart. She stayed far away until everything was okay. And I think maybe her daddy's gay too!"
Edward's eyes smiled again.
"And did I tell you about the superhero, Mommy?" I asked.
"Twenty-five times," Edward said.
"I'm just glad you're safe," Mommy sniffed. She looked me over just like Faith's daddy did at the park.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," Edward said and kissed the top of Mommy's head. I told you they kissed all the time.
"Edward didn't do anything, Mommy! It was the bad guy's fault."
"I know, Little One. I just don't like to think -"
"Mommy, Hanna said maybe you call me Little One because maybe Daddy gave you a little something one time."
Edward laughed with his mouth that time, not just his eyes. I made Edward laugh all the time. He said that's one of the things he really liked about me. I really liked him too. I think I love him, but I didn't say that yet.
"Hanna, huh?" Mommy asked. "Hanna sounds -"
"Totally awesome!" I yelled. "I just need to fix her falling out ponytail. And Faith was so cool. And her daddies were cool. And her brother was really cute and little. Can I go back to the park tomorrow, Mommy?"
"I'm not ready to let you out of my sight again, Little One," my mommy said.
"Bella, I'm so sorry."
Edward kept saying that. It was like he thought he was the bad guy.
"Edward, it sounds like there were three or maybe four other dads there," my mommy said.
Then she put her hand over her mouth all of the sudden. Edward got really busy with something on the counter.
"There was one daddy, one grandpa and one gay superhero, Mommy. And an Edward. Not three or four daddies."
"I should call your dad," Mommy mumbled, kind of to herself. "It would be better coming from me than Thea."
Edward said a bad word. It was badder than any of the words Hanna said at the park. I've only said it one time, and Daddy heard and made me go to my room and think about it. I thought about it a lot and figured out it rhymed with duck and suck, and then I made a song and rhymed it all together. It was a really good song. Daddy said not to tell Mommy about it, though.
"Do we have to tell him?" Edward asked.
Mommy gave him a look. Edward whispered the bad word the second time. Mommy raised her eyebrows.
"Maybe you should go to your room and think about what you just said, Edward," I said.
For some reason it made Mommy almost smile.
"I can help you," I said.
"You'll keep me company while your mom talks to the man who's going to castrate me?" Edward asked. He held out his hand and I hopped off the counter.
"What's cat-rate?" I asked.
"It involves losing your testicles," he told me.
"Oh. My. Gosh! I bet Hanna would be really good at cat-rating! Don't you?" I asked Edward.
"She knows a lot about balls and testicles."
Edward laughed really low, like he didn't want Mommy to hear.
"I love you, Little One," he said. "And I promise never, ever to let something like that happen again. Okay?"
"I love you, too, Edward. Now let's sing about duck fucks. I promise not to tell Mommy."
"Do I look like I give a shit that everything turned out okay, Charlie?"
"You know what the fuck I mean, Swan, don't screw with me right now about semantics."
My daddy did not look happy. At all. About Penny's superhero maybe not gay friend beating the crap out of that douche guy that was trying to bust in on our hide and go seek game.
"Daddy," I started to explain but he did that thing he always did with me when he really, really, really wanted me to stop talking.
He did that a lot sometimes.
"Don't even fucking..." he stopped and breathed a bunch. Daddy had to stop and breathe some times. Mommy said it's 'cause he'd give his heart a tac or something. I thought it was probably just because he liked to breathe. It makes you feel good and doesn't give you hiccups.
Anyway, why would he wanna stick a tac in his heart? "Don't even get me started on why you weren't somewhere Charlie could see you, young lady."
Didn't he get what hide and seek was? Maybe they didn't have hide and seek way back when Daddy was little. He was really old.
"But we were just..."
"Listen son, I know you're upset but this is still my house..."
"Your house maybe, Charlie, but that's my fucking kid you almost lost today."
"Edward, settle down."
"Settle down? Are you fucking kidding me, Swan?"
"She's fine, now. And I'm upset too but you can't blame Dad, he can't be there watching her every second of every day of every..."
"Bullshit he can't."
"I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, what if that dick had..."
"But he didn't, Edward. We need to focus on what didn't happen and not what might have happened. It'll just drive you crazy if you..."
"Listen to me very closely, when I say, screw. That logic, Swan.."
I huffed. Nobody ever let me talk sometimes. I really liked Penny and Little One, I thought, they let me talk all I wanted and never even interrupted me or anything. I really missed them already. I wished I could take them back home with me. Then I'd show that stupid Betsy Summers who had the real bestest best friends... I wondered if Daddy would take me back to that park and see if we could find them and play something again. Something that wasn't hide and seek, I guess, since Daddy didn't seem to like that game.
I was really glad I got their phone numbers too. I was gonna call and ask them if their daddies were acting just as weird as mine was.
And how come he never called Mommy by her first name like she did to him, anyway?
"Where's he being held anyway?"
Daddy pulled his "other baby" out after he asked that question. That's what he called his Colt. He really liked that gun. He took it to bed with him and Mommy, even sometimes... And when daddy pulled his Colt out, it usually meant he was gonna use it.
"Like I'm gonna give you that information," Grandpa laughed. He was really smart like that sometimes.
"Edward, be logical here."
"I'm very fucking logical, Swan. I'm a seriously logical motherfucker. We're talkin' one shot. No dick. Problem solved."
"Oh my god."
"What?" Everyone asked me at the same time even though I was only talking to Daddy.
I forgot what I was gonna say when they all did that and I even thought that maybe I was gonna get really upset and just cry but I didn't. I remembered what I was gonna say and looked at my daddy really seriously so he knew I wasn't kidding around.
"I'm not gonna be a little girl forever you know."
Then his forehead did that scrunching up thing and he looked like he was gonna say something so I kept on talking.
"You're the one that taught me to take care of myself if the bad guys show up. And mommy taught me really good how to kick them as hard as I could in the balls. And even though I was a little scared I wasn't as scared as he was, remember daddy? And then I did kick him in the balls and It's what made him have to bend over while we got away. And Penny was a really excellent hider, he never did find her! She learned to hide from her not gay daddies and Little One is a great runner, she ran all the way back out and got her not gay daddy too and everyone else and then everyone got to get back with everyone."
They were all really quiet for a minute when Daddy finally asked Mommy a question.
"What the fuck is a not gay daddy?"
I had to breathe out that time, just like Daddy did and then I got it why he did that all the time. 'Cause I didn't know why he was asking Mommy what a not gay daddy was when I was the one telling him the story, but I told him the answer anyway.
"Little One has a daddy who's gay and he is her mommy's best friend and gave her a little something and that's how she was born and her real daddy, who isn't her daddy but he's her mommy's boyfriend brought her to the park today and Penny has two daddies but they're not really both her daddies but one of them is and he's not gay even though he was there with that other guy today and he's really rich and likes computers like you do and he's not a douche and he calls her Penny because one time he gave her mommy a whole BUNCH of pennies and how come I don't have a nickname like they do? How come you don't call me Daisy, Daddy? Didn't you give Mommy a daisy once?"
His forehead was really scrunching after my explanation and I was trying really hard to make him get it and I thought for sure he was gonna send me to my room for yelling before but he didn't say anything and neither did Mommy, or Grandpa. Grandpa was just covering his mouth so Mommy and Daddy wouldn't see him laughing.
I didn't know what else to say after my story so I just walked over to daddy and hugged him. I didn't really care so much that he didn't call me Daisy, I was just glad he wasn't sending me to my room. And besides, Daddy liked hugs. He said they always made him feel better after he had a bad day with stupid assholes.
Don't tell him I said that word.
After I hugged him for a minute he knelted down next to me and his forehead wasn't scrunched up anymore so I figured he wasn't so mad maybe and then he told me, "You're right, Hanna, you are a big girl, and I know you can take care of yourself kid, and your friends with... not... gay... daddies." He almost laughed that time, even. Almost. "It's me I'm worried about. I honestly don't what the fuck I'd do if something happened to you."
I thought Mommy was gonna cry but I didn't get to see whether she did or not cause then he squeezed me again, really tight. Like so tight I almost couldn't breathe anymore. "Plus, if anything ever did happen to you," he said in a little bit not so sad voice anymore. "I'd definitely have to kill a sonofabitch and your mom would not be very happy with me about that."
"This is true," Mommy said, leaning down to hug me real tight, too and then Grandpa made a sound and the phone rang. He answered it and told me it was for me.
I ran over to get it 'cause I knew it was probably Penny or Little One, maybe both! and I was gonna make sure to tell them they were my fiddies just like Penny's mommy and her superhero friend 'cause I loved them a whole lot and if I had anything to say about it, no one was ever gonna hurt them, either.
~ THE BEGINNING OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP ~
THANKS FOR READING the FUCKERY!