Thank you to the girls from Project Team Beta. Remylebeauishot, I really appreciated your personal comments along with the comma correction. Irelandk, thanks for the pm's and I'm really happy you're going to be sticking around.

Thanks also to my pre-reader, Shazzio. Shaz, your little insights and ideas make a world of difference :)

I'm also indebted to my fairy/beta godmother, Bower-of-Bliss.

Before you read on, I must state for the record that I do spend a lot of time researching background information for this story. Death is a sensitive topic, and suicide is considered by many to be even more of a taboo. I have also consulted with a paediatric psychologist and other mental health professionals. Whether or not you agree with the approach Bella takes with her brothers in this chapter, this is what the professionals recommend.

Chapter 4-Vexed question

Alice and I drove over to her parents' house. I wanted to be close to my brothers and the support of Esme and Carlisle, needing to be surrounded by my family.

When we arrived, the adults gathered in the kitchen as I recounted what had happened back at Mom's after they left, leaving out my own mortifying mini-meltdown.

"Bella, your mom had been struggling with depression for a while." Esme reached out her hand to hold mine. "You know she and Phil had been fighting a lot lately."

"I knew about that," I confirmed. "She gets so teary so quickly these days. She's also been drinking more, even when she had the boys." I couldn't help but talk about her in the present tense. "There were some pills in her room; I saw them on her nightstand."

"She just started taking some anti-anxiety medication," Esme verified.

"Still, I can't believe she would do that, though." Even thinking the word "suicide" was agonizing. "I knew she was unhappy and stressed, but I had no idea she thought it was bad enough to…end everything. Even if things were going bad between her and Phil, she had survived through it before with Charlie. I can't believe she would do that to the boys…to me." I had to look away then, bewildered and overwhelmed by feelings of disbelief and anguish. It was all too much to comprehend.

"Who knows what she was thinking, Bella," Carlisle pointed out. "If she mixed alcohol with medication, she may not have been thinking very clearly at all." He sighed and, in a world-weary gesture, rubbed his hands over his face. "Your mom always regretted giving up on her first marriage so quickly. I think she felt a real sense of failure that things between her and Phil had deteriorated so much. She asked him to go to counseling to deal with his possessiveness and jealousy, but he refused. She told us she felt suffocated by his need to know where she was all the time. Most of all, I think she felt she had no control or input into their lives anymore. Everything was always all about Phil."

I laughed, my bitterness clear. "It always has been. I find it ironic that the things she used to love about him most, and that drove me crazy, did the same to her in the end. She always put him first." I looked over to Carlisle. "You two seem to know a lot about what was going on between them."

Carlisle nodded sadly. "Renee was forced to confide in us after she decided that there was no hope of salvaging their marriage."

"She…she asked for a divorce after…" Esme added, her face twisting in grief as a fresh surge of tears spilled over her lids. "Oh, Bella, I don't know how to tell you this, since we promised Renee that we would never break her confidence, but now isn't the time for secrets. He…he hit her, 'slapped her' was how she put it, the very first time she told him their marriage was over."

I was appalled. "When?" I tried to think back, to recall any time she had seemed more upset than any other, but it seemed she had been miserable for such a long time.

"Remember our Fourth of July barbeque and how angry Phil got when your mom chatted with my golf partner?" Carlisle asked. "They fought about it in the car on the way home. She told him she had enough of his suspicion and accusations and wanted a divorce. He pushed her, and when she shoved back at him, he struck her. She said he seemed to immediately realize he had crossed the line. As soon as they got home, she left him there and came back to our place. She and the boys stayed with us for the night."

"Were the boys in the car when it happened?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Esme nodded. "Corin was asleep, but Renee said Afton saw the whole thing."

I couldn't wrap my head around it. My mom had never even intimated such a thing had happened. Afton had never said anything either, which was also odd. In his childish innocence, he usually couldn't help but spill all kinds of things I'm sure his parents would rather he kept to himself. I'll never forget the time he told me had had gone into his parents room early one morning and found them "bouncing" in bed. He had been very indignant about it, since he got scolded whenever he jumped on his brother or his bed.

I started thinking about timing. It was August before I had realized Mom and Phil were sleeping in separate rooms, but this was October. She had stayed with him months after he had raised a hand to her, something she always swore she or any other woman should never put up with. I looked over at Alice. She looked as aghast as I felt, so I knew she, too, had been kept in the dark.

"Phil told Felix that he had asked her for a divorce. She only told me that they were having some problems they were trying to work out. I got the feeling that she was doing it more for the sake of the boys than for herself, though," I pondered.

"Apparently, Phil resisted the idea of separating every time she brought it up. He kept saying that she was his and she couldn't take his sons away from him. He told her he would fight her for custody and the house, and that she would end up paying him alimony," Esme revealed. "Renee went to see a lawyer last month, but then something happened, and the lawyer said her case wasn't as strong anymore. That's when she started staying in more and had trouble sleeping."

"That makes sense. I think that's when she started drinking more, too." I fidgeted with my coffee cup, too keyed up to risk caffeine, but grateful to have something to occupy my hands. "Do you know what it was that made the lawyer say that?"

Esme and Carlisle looked at each other, sharing a silent communication. Carlisle nodded slightly, and Esme took a deep breath before turning back to me.

"She wouldn't tell me all the details, but she said she might have to deal with a disciplinary matter at work, something that could potentially get her fired."

"It must have been something really serious if it could have an effect on her getting custody of the boys," I pointed out.

Mom worked one night a week at the community college teaching remedial English. She always wanted to take on more classes, but Phil didn't like her working. He would often tell her that her place was looking after him and the boys.

"So she wanted to leave Phil but was worried that there could be a messy court case that she might potentially lose? No wonder she was upset. Why didn't she tell me?" I asked plaintively.

Alice reached out for my hand as Esme took the other.

"Oh, Bella. She didn't want to burden you with her worries, and I think she was ashamed that she wasn't dealing with things well. She only told me the bare minimum to stop me nagging her when I got worried." Esme looked at me, her eyes brimming again as her bottom lip wobbled. "I thought the pills were helping. I forced her to go to see the doctor after she missed Corin's parent night at kindergarten. I backed off a little after she started the medication. I should have kept a closer eye on her."

I couldn't stand the thought of Esme blaming herself when she had only ever been kind and supportive to my mom. Unlike me.

"She called me yesterday. I was harsh and rude, a real bitch," I confessed. "She was only trying to give me some advice, but I hung up on her. I'm an awful daughter," I choked out, feeling a lump in my throat that made it difficult to breathe.

Alice hugged me as Esme wept. Carlisle stood and came to lay his hand on my shoulder.

"Bella, as I said, we don't know what was going on in her mind. We have to wait until we hear more from the police before jumping to conclusions. Who knows? It might even have been an accident."

I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better. Who accidentally shoots themselves in the head?

"I didn't even know she had access to a gun," he continued, before looking at us one-by-one. "I know that the hardest part is not knowing exactly what happened and why. We just have to be patient and support each other and those poor boys until we know more. You had better call your father, Bella, unless you want me to do it?"

My heart stuttered in my chest. I hadn't even thought of my poor dad and how he would take the news. Although they had only had a brief marriage, my dad had held a torch for my mom for many years. He had remarried and loved his new wife with a quiet intensity, but I knew the news was going to upset him. As much as I wanted to duck this responsibility, I felt it was my duty to break the news myself, and I told Carlisle as much.

Needing some distance from everyone, I sat in Carlisle's study and summoned the necessary courage to tell my dad. I called his mobile, knowing he would be at work and probably out on the river. Dad worked as a ranger for the ecotourism business run by the Quileutes, who had a reservation near his home in Forks. His wife, Sue, was a Quileute elder. In as few words as I could, I let him know the sketchy details of what had happened. He, too, was disbelieving at first. It was awful hearing my usually stoic father trying to suppress his huffs of emotion during our call. He promised they would drive up as soon as they could.

I also sent an email to my friend, Rachel. We had been best friends since we were small. Although college and her work had put distance between us, we remained in constant contact. I was lucky to have two best friends, as Alice and I had grown closer since we started living together.

The afternoon passed in a haze of phone calls and visitors, the news spreading fast and seeming to bring people out of the wood work. I was thankful in a way, as making pot after pot of coffee and baking batch after batch of cookies kept my hands busy and my mind pre-occupied. Alice and I attended to the kitchen duties as Carlisle played gracious host. Esme was still too distraught to do anything other than sit in her favorite armchair clutching a wet handkerchief as tears constantly rolled down her cheeks. I checked on the boys often as they played in the family room, grateful for the constant soothing presence of Edna. Sensing their puzzlement at the activity and sadness around them, she remained in constant contact with them, leaning against them as they played, or trotting over now and then for a nuzzle or a friendly lick. They played happily with the occasional child that came with their parents as they paid their respects, and ate their lunch as if this were just another ordinary day.

When my dad arrived, we went out to the backyard for some privacy. Sue disappeared into the kitchen to help Alice after giving me a long hug. In many ways, Sue was a perfect match for my dad. They were both people of few words but deep feelings. I was usually the same, and when I had lived with them, the silences had been comfortable, never forced or filled just for the sake of it. Charlie and I sat together for a while, not saying anything, just sharing our misery.

"Suicide, you say?" His voice was gruff as he tried to control the emotion.

"That's the impression the chief of police gave. Mom has been under a lot of strain and was pretty miserable. She and Phil were having problems, and I just learned today that she was dealing with some major issues at work as well."

"Your mom may have looked tough, but I remember what things were like before she left." His eyes flickered to me briefly before he looked away again. "Now that you're older, I can tell you things that a kid wouldn't have understood. You already know that your mom was pregnant when we got married, I assume?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. I remembered the fierce debate my mother and I had had about premarital sex after I had finally had enough smarts to work out the timing of my conception. I had been outraged as only a twelve year old, non-sexual teenager with romantic ideas could be. Mom had just laughed, turning it into an opportunity to lecture me on the value of reliable contraception. She made sure to reinforce that although they had both been shocked with the unplanned pregnancy, neither regretted my arrival.

"Anyone could tell we were complete opposites," Charlie said in his typical understated manner. "We had a holiday fling that became permanent…well, for a short time anyway. Once we knew you were on the way, we got married and settled down in Forks." He sighed loudly. "It didn't take long for the shine to wear off for Renee. Her dad had died of cancer a couple of months before we met. Then she got pregnant, married, and moved away from home. They were all big changes in a short space of time, and they took their toll on her. I thought it would get better when you arrived, that she would have someone to pour all her energy into." He sighed again, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his pants. "Instead, it got worse. Back then, I'd never heard of postpartum depression. All I knew was that it seemed all the happiness had been sucked out of her. She looked after you, made sure no one could ever accuse her being a neglectful mother, but that was all she did. She hardly slept, never ate or showered, and did nothing to maintain our apartment. I knew something was wrong, especially when she started to avoid Esme. She had taken to ignoring me a while before, but I just thought she had realized she made a huge mistake getting married."

"So Mom had suffered depression in the past?" More secrets. She never talked about the rapid disintegration of her marriage to my dad, only explaining that they were both too young and it hadn't worked out.

"Yeah. I got home from work one day to find the apartment empty. She left a note saying she had moved back home with your Grandma, and she wasn't coming back. She thanked me for giving her you and promised that she would never deny me access, but that we weren't meant for forever. It took another twelve months before I saw signs of the Renee I knew in the beginning." He looked at me again, this time keeping his eyes on mine. "I hate to think what she might have done if she didn't have you depending on her back then."

As I stared into a brown the exact shade of my own, I clearly felt that he thought she was capable of it at that time.

"So you agree with Esme and Carlisle that she might have done…you know?" I asked, searching his face carefully. He nodded. "I just can't believe she's gone," I murmured.

Charlie's eyes softened, and he shuffled closer, stretching his arm around my shoulders and squeezing. "I'm sorry, kid. I can't either. Hell, it took me a long time to get used to it when she moved out, and we had only lived together for twelve months. Even then, she only went back to Port Angeles, and in an hour, I could drive over to see you both whenever I wanted."

I leaned my head onto his shoulder, enjoying the rare opportunity to snuggle with my dad. Neither of us had ever really been very open with our affection for each other, but he had always been there for me when I really needed it.

We both went back to staring out over the neatly landscaped, spacious back yard.

"Dad, I need to tell you something else. I broke up with Sam."

"Oh, that's too bad. He seemed like a nice fella the time I met him at your house."

He and Sam had gotten along well and had similar interests. The few hours they spent in each other's company, they had talked like long lost friends.

"He, um, met someone else."

I felt his arm stiffen around me.

"Do I need to go and do something about that?" he asked in a careful and controlled tone.

I snorted. "No, Dad, I'm perfectly capable of fighting my own battles." I looked away, ashamed to admit this to my own father. "Besides, it wasn't like we were made for forever, either." I used Mom's words to sum up my relationship with Sam. "He found the girl who he wants that with and did the honorable thing by ending things with me before he started anything with her." I swallowed the bitter taste from my mouth before continuing. "The thing is, Dad, that girl is Leah."

"Leah?" he asked, turning me to look at me again. "Sue's Leah? She only just moved here two weeks ago, for Christ's sake!"

"I saw them a couple of days ago when I went into the café where she works. That's where Sam and his workmates go for their muffins and coffee. They weren't even talking to each other." I snorted again, but it came out sounding more like a choked hiccup. "Well, not with words, anyway. Their eyes, though…boy, were they making goo-goo eyes at each other!" My heart shriveled a little as I recalled it, not so much the pain of being cast aside as much as the longing to feel something like that myself. "I left before either of them saw me."

"Your step-sister is in love with your ex? Holy cow, Bella. I…I don't think there is any fatherly advice I can give you on that," Charlie admitted apologetically, scratching his head with his free hand.

Poor Dad, I was really straining all his reserves today.

"Yeah. It sucks to be me right now." I sighed, not really mad about it anymore in the light of the bigger drama happening in my life. Nothing like a death to give you a little perspective. "They'll be good for each other. When you see Leah, can you tell her, from me, that there are no hard feelings? Sam and I were never serious enough to do the whole family-introductions-at-holidays thing, so neither knows of the other's connection to me. It is certainly going to be a bit awkward the first time we are all together in the one room, but I won't be a bitch to them, I promise."

"You're definitely not my baby girl anymore, that's for sure," Charlie mourned. "You're much more forgiving than me. The first time I saw Phil with Renee, I wanted to drag him out to the woods and dismember him."

This time, it was me who stiffened. "We could still do that, you know. You provide the means, and I'll engineer the opportunity."

"Hush now, Bella," he scolded me. "You don't want to make those sweet brothers of yours orphans, do you?"

"I know, Dad, but if you'd seen him at the house and heard what he said…"

"Look, Bella, I know you love your brothers. Phil is their father, and without the buffer of Renee to stand between you, you are going to have to put that anger aside. They need people around them to put them first. It'll only cause them more damage to see the people they love arguing. If you want to remain a part of their lives, you're going to have to tread very carefully. You don't want to give him a reason to cut you out."

Sadly, it was only too true. "I hadn't even thought that far yet, but you're right. He'd do it just to spite me. I'm dreading what will happen when he comes to get them. Carlisle called him just before you got here, and he said he would come over soon."

Charlie nodded, his face serious. "Well, families should be together at times like this. I'm sure you feel better having yours around you, am I right?"

"Yeah, you're right," I agreed, patting him on the leg. "Thanks for coming over, Dad. Although I wish it had been under better circumstances, I'm glad we got the chance to talk. Are you staying, or do you have to head back today?"

"I phoned the tribal council to tell them what happened. I've got the weekend off and they'll give me another day to attend the funeral."

"I'll be staying here with Alice, so if you and Sue want to crash at our place, you're most welcome." I stood up, and together we walked back into the house.

There seemed to be a lull in the procession of visitors. The kitchen empty except for Carlisle, Alice, and Sue. They were having a whispered conversation near the sink. The atmosphere was tense, and they all looked upset.

"What happened?" I demanded, sensing something had occurred while I had been outside talking with my dad.

"Phil came," Alice replied, her mouth settling into a straight, compressed line. "He told the boys about Renee."

I felt a sense of panic and moved to go find them, but Carlisle reached out to stop me.

"He's already gone." Carlisle looked even more pained than he had when he came over to Mom's house. "He only stayed about twenty minutes. He spent about five minutes with them and then asked for a word with Esme and me."

"And?" From the tension that rolled off him, I knew that whatever he was about to tell me would probably upset me further.

"He said the medical examiner confirmed that Renee's death was most likely a suicide, and that after the autopsy was complete, he would issue his final confirmation." He grimaced. "He also asked if we would keep the boys for a few days. He said he would be busy making arrangements, and that it wouldn't be good for them to go back to the place where their mother killed herself."

I huffed in outrage. "They've lost their mother and now it seems their father doesn't give a shit about them either!" I felt the rage bubble beneath my skin again, burning away all other emotion. I was so angry, I almost combusted with the force of it.

Alice rushed to my side as my dad reached out to gently squeeze my arm.

"I think it's better this way, Bella," Alice argued. "You know he never spends much time with them anyway. Why do you think Afton phoned you rather than his own daddy? The boys are used to staying here or with you and me from the regular babysitting we've done. Between all of us, I'm sure we can do a good job supporting them through this. They must be very confused and upset right now. Would you rather they go to Phil's parent's house?" She stared at me earnestly, desperately trying to make me see reason before I had another melt-down.

I sighed, letting my temper dissipate. "You're right. They would be better off with us." We were all familiar with the Dwyer's dislike for small children. "I should go check on them." I turned away and headed for the family room.

I found Esme sitting on the couch with Afton on her lap, both with tear streaked faces. Corin was sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, his back leaning against Esme as Edna lay alongside his legs. He stared intently at the screen, watching a DVD. I sat down on the couch next to Esme and stroked Afton's hair.

Afton looked up at me, his face naked with his fear and sadness. I felt my heart break all over again.

"My tummy hurts with crying feelings. Daddy said Mommy has gone to heaven and isn't coming back."

I frantically tried to remember every psychology unit I had ever studied on how to explain the death of a pet to young children. Be honest, reassure, keep it simple, and repeat often. Losing a parent was not quite the same as losing a pet, the magnitude being exponentially greater, but the principles of dealing with the event would be similar enough.

"I know, buddy. I'm sad, too. We're all sad that Mommy has died, since we love her so much. We're going to miss her." I kept my eyes focused on his, as I stroked his hair and Esme stroked his back.

"Who's going to look after me and Corin now?' he whispered in a frightened little voice. "Will you and Aunty Essie go away, too?"

"No, buddy," I reassured him. "Your Daddy is very sad and busy right now, so he asked if you could stay here with us. We're not going anywhere, I promise. We're all going to look after you: Aunty Essie and Uncle Carlisle, and Alice, too. Of course, as your big sister, I'm always going to be here for you."

"Why did Mommy go to heaven?" Big fat tears filled his eyes, spilled over and rolled down his flushed cheeks. "Didn't she want to be with us anymore?"

"Oh, Afton. Mommy loved you with all her heart," Esme exclaimed. "And your brother and sister, too," she emphasized, her puffy eyes flicking to me.

Dear God in heaven! How do you explain suicide to a five-year-old? I chose my words very carefully, wanting to be clear, yet attempting to keep it to words he could understand.

"You know Mommy has been really, really sad?" I waited to see him nod. "She went to the doctor to see if he could make it better. She even took a special medicine to try and get better, but nothing helped. She was so sad, she decided to do something to make her body stop working so she wouldn't feel that way anymore. It was a kind of sickness, one that made her think and act differently than you and me. If any of us knew she felt that way, we would have done something more to stop her so she would still be here with us."

"Okay." He scrubbed his eyes furiously with his hands before sitting forward. "I wanna go watch Cars with Corin now."

"That's alright. If you want to ask anything about Mommy, you come and find one of us, okay? I know everything seems different and scary, but we'll all be here to take care of you both. Love you, little brother," I finished, pulling a clean tissue out of my pocket and wiping his nose.

He climbed off Esme's lap and sat on the floor on the other side of Edna, his hands unconsciously sliding through her thick fur as he became engrossed in the movie.

I grasped my aunt's hand, and we sat side-by-side watching the boys as they watched the flickering screen. My mind wouldn't let go of Afton's words, and they kept circling around in my head.

"Didn't she want to be with us anymore?"

If you would like more information about children and the topic of suicide, I can highly recommend this resource.

www(dot)nalag(dot)org(dot)au(forwardslash)pubs(forwardslash)Supporting_Children_After_Suicide_Booklet(dot)pdf