|A Chance to Regret
Author: spelerison PM
He didn't believe it, had Ziva just said he was going to be a father? Ziva's struggle with pregnancy, a troubled romance and lots of indecision. AUish fic, currently Tiva but will very possibly turn into McGiva. Not a happy family story.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Ziva D. - Chapters: 21 - Words: 44,865 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 05-06-13 - Published: 01-30-12 - id: 7791415
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Note category change and warning in first chapter
Emotions were high as he stood there like so many fathers before him looking through that glass at the newly born.
There were literally millions of words he could use to express himself and that left him wondering absently how two simple ones could sometimes say so much more.
Whether it be an agreement to help out or a way to let others know you're dedicated to self improvement it speaks volumes.
It had been their doctors answer when he asked her to make sure Ziva had the smoothest delivery possible after they had heard a strong healthy heartbeat from the monitor.
Usually a lie to cover up heartbreak and struggles but is mostly spoken with good intentions to disipate worry.
Ziva had used it at least a dozen times throughout the night and into the morning as she did her best to be patient with his nervousness and breath through progressing conntractions.
Magical words these are. They bring forgiveness, rebuild bridges that long ago burned, and simply save you from sleeping on the couch when you forget to take out the trash.
They do all that and they saved him from a couple broken fingers as he bothered her one too many times and a cup of ice chips was thrown in his direction for the effort.
It represents love and commitment. Promises that you'll forever be there, not to catch them before they fall but to offer a hand when they're ready to get back up.
It was a question he had asked. The laugh he heard was clearly showing exhaustion and some pain she was beginning to feel but he hadn't been turned down which he figured was a plus.
All of those he had heard, they were powerful and possibly life changing phrases. They were probably some of the most important ones to ever be used, to ever be heard but they weren't always welcome because as with everything that holds power destruction follows.
"Where is he!" Abby near yelled at him with excitement from down the hall. She had left the group a bit behind her as she and her many different balloons navigated themselves to a spot next to him. "Which one is he?"
McGee wasn't far behind her and he was soon pushing a floating blue foot out of the way to get a glimpse inside as the other two arrived. The pink blankets were ruled out as he started looking at name tags for the signature big D little i. "Where is he?"
Only two words, that's all they had been, but they destroyed him. "He's dead."
"My God" Came from Ducky while Gibbs set himself like stone and Abby's bottom lip began to quiver. The air hadn't changed, it had vanished as this news was left to be absorbed and eyes were actually opened to see the pain and tear tracks that stained Tony's face.
"Where's Ziva?" McGee barely managed to croak as that horrible news settled like a ton of bricks, but still he tried to hold himself together. Ducky looked shell shocked, Abby had sunk to her knees and was crying in earnest, and Gibbs couldn't quite hide the moisture in his eyes as he tried to be a comfort to her.
"She..." Tony tried his best for words but he couldn't seem to get his brain working, he didn't want it to be working.
"She's not.." It was a sentence McGee couldn't bare to finish as he suddenly found breathing difficult.
"She's not doing well." It had been all smiles and anticipation as he waited to cut the umbilical cord, as they waited to hear that first joyous cry, it was a sound that never came.
Instead they heard panic as more personnel entered the room and eventually left it with her baby as she was left to deliver the placenta. Fear was immediate as a nurse attempted feebly to assure them that premies usually needed a bought of oxygen to get them kick started and that he'd probably need a little time in the NICU but would be alright.
It was a little over an hour later when news arrived that their sons lungs were unresponsive and after 43 minutes with all attempts failed he was pronounced dead. They hadn't even gotten to hold him. "She had to be sedated."
Fresh tears fell as Ziva's screams filled his ears. She had ripped out her IV, had declared them all murderers as she demanded to see her son, she had left the room with complete determination on finding her baby when an orderly tried to stop her. She had taken him down like he was enemy number one but she didn't get to continue her search as more appeared. It had taken six men to hold her down for the injection but even so she continued to kick, claw, and struggle.
If it was possible that sight split his heart even further apart.
"I'm gonna..." McGee didn't bother with any more than a point in a direction he didn't even know as he stumbled off.
It was the only thing that was coming to mind.
After everything they had gone through the team did not need a blow like this.
He had become so close to this baby that he felt as if he had lost his own.
He had held her hair as she puked, had made the weird craving runs, had felt the little punches and kicks that said I'm very much alive, literally put his blood, sweat, and tears into making the perfect place for him to live and all of it was for not. They had had many a conversation about what Isiah would be or who he'd become. He had promised to teach him all about computers and had told Ziva how he was already looking to buy a decent swingset, he had been ready for a baby, they had been ready for a baby and just like that he had been taken away.
Isiah had become her sun. Whenever he was mentioned things brightened and long ago their worlds had started revolving around him. Now things were dark and with a fist to the wall he dropped down it with a gutteral sob. This was sure to ruin her but even if it didn't he doubted she'd ever allow light back in.
"Ziva?" Tony was careful to enter her room a few hours later. As far as he knew Ducky had taken Abby home and McGee had disappeared long ago but Gibbs was still off and wandering about. He himself had finally found the courage to go see Isiah and though it hurt he knew it had also helped.
"Go away." The words were as dark as the room as he followed the voice to a chair in the corner.
"Why don't we pag-"
"I SAID GO AWAY!" She had her knees as close to her chest as possible and he could see her trying desperatley to hide how horribly she seemed to be shaking.
"Ziva you can't seclude yourself, it isn't healthy." He spoke softly as he leaned against the air vent in front of her.
"I do not care."
"Do you want to see him?" She had missed two opportunities already and he was sure she wouldn't want to take that chance with a third. "He's beautiful Ziva. He looks just like you, but he's got my nose and his ears... his ears are-"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! I don't want to hear it." He watched her cover her head with arms that were trembling as much as her words. "Please... please just leave me alone."
"Ziva" He clearly felt her pain.
"Tony," He turned his attention to Gibbs who had somehow managed to sneak in. "give us a minute."
What a minute would do he didn't know but he wasn't far from losing the calm he had barely managed to grasp and he knew he needed a moment himself. This was something he just hadn't seen coming and as much as he wanted to help Ziva with her grief he'd be useless until he faced his own. "Alright"
There were no words for a time like this, nothing that you said could make what had happened change, no special sentence would suddenly make everything better. This was a blow, it was a low one and nothing could be done about it, it was completely out of everyones hands. "You think they'd let me hold 'em?"
Her shrug was barely existant but he caught it none the less. "I know they'd let you, maybe you could let me." She didn't bother to lift her head as she shook it vehemently. "Come on Ziva, don't you want to hold him?"
"He's gone." The words sounded like they had been cut from her throat. "He's de.. he's dead."
"He's your son, you don't want to abandon your son do you?" He knew guilt was a big factor here and he was going to use hers to help him. He had enough experience living with it that he knew she'd regret not doing this and he would make sure that didn't happen.
"I failed him." She admitted defeat.
"No Ziver, you kept him safe for months, you gave him everything he needed." He was careful to run his hand over damp hair, she had obviously showered.
"Then why isn't he here with me?" She was quick to push his hand away as she stood with discomfort she didn't care about. "Why was he taken away? Why was.. why... my baby... he.. Isiah was innocent Gibbs. He was pure and he paid the price for my wrong doings."
"This isn't a punishment Ziver, you did nothing wrong so don't punish him. It's been a long wait for you to be able to hold him, for him to be held, don't deny him that." Blame, it was even worse than guilt.
"How don't I?" She near whispered in a hoarse voice. "Everyone told me how great a mother I'd be, how good a job I was doing. How do I allow him to lie in my arms when I couldn't even give him a fighting chance?"
"That's what a parent does. You have to put your childs needs before your own and right now he needs you to hold him." It was times like these that he wished love and loss weren't parteners. "He needs this Ziva and you need it too."
"I want my baby." And suddenly any wall or structure she might have been trying to protect herself with fell leaving her womb, heart, and hands feeling emptier than ever.
"We'll get him." It wasn't any kind of assurance but it was all he had to offer as he wrapped her in his arms.
"This is our son Zee." Tony was the one to bring him through the door fifteen minutes later with a watery smile.
She was sitting on the edge of the bed with a warry expression so he decided it best not to push and instead he sat next to her.
"He looks just like his mother." Gibbs was quick to point out as he got his first glimpse, it was more an attempt to get her to look at the baby than to state the obvious.
"You wanna hold him?" This was his first time to do so and the feeling was absolutely indescribable.
"I don't know." She had only glanced over enough to see a white cap and a yellow blanket before she deverted her eyes to the floor.
"I was there when they weighed the little man, he's 5 pounds 12 1/2 ounces." He spoke to Gibbs sounding every bit the proud father despite the somber tone.
"Do you know the height?" Gibbs joined Tony in trying to get some reaction or interaction out of Ziva, it was important.
"18 3/4 inches." He had watched the measurements being taken but had soon looked away as he thought of how the nurse should have been double checking because of kicking legs and how she didn't have to because they never would.
"He would have been tall." Ziva was close to whispering as that connection she had made pulled her back toward her son.
"Six feet at least, he'll be a ball player."
"He would've been." She felt that he needed to be reminded that past tense was required because none of that was happening now.
"Here," Tony chose to ignore her words as he blinked away any tears that might be hiding. "I'm gonna get the camera." He didn't give her a say in the matter as he slid the baby into her arms.
Time froze as she stared down at him.
They were right, she felt like she was looking in the mirror and she couldn't be sure if that was a good thing. His skin was soft as she ran a finger down his cheek and tears began falling down hers. She hadn't cried but now how couldn't she when she was trying to coax eyes that would never open. "Shalom ahava" Right now she wanted to apologize but she felt that would insult her precious child.
"He's got Tony's nose." Gibbs shared the thought to break the silence as he sat next to Ziva.
"I know" Tony spoke with clear distaste as he continued on what by now had to be his four dozenth picture.
"Will you?" She didn't want to give him up but she was quickly becoming overwhelmed so she passed Isiah over to Gibbs.
"You are handsome." He didn't bother with trying to hide his feelings as he gave the little boy a good once over. He had actually started getting used to the idea of being a grandpa, of having a little one running around calling him papa when he babysat, it had been an enjoyable thought and he was going to take a minute to mourn it.
"Where did those ears come from Ziva?" They had brought an immediate smile to Tony's face. They sat out just enough that they looked slightly unproportionate and he loved how it left his son looking a little quirky.
"It would have to be your side of the family." She spoke absently as she thumbed over his left ear. The thought left her wondering what else Isiah had inherited from his father and soon she started a search. It was after she had counted ten toes that she realized they were Tony's. "He has your feet."
"He does not." Tony took a break from his photographing to look for himself.
"Those are your feet." There was no way she'd let him deny it.
"Possibly" It was the closest he'd go to admitting it but they both knew it was true.
"Is he a baldy?" Gibbs wondered as he absently rubbed a thumb over tiny nuckles.
"I don't know." He had been taken away so fast that neither of them had gotten a glimpse of him before the cap had been placed on his head.
"Well," Gibbs moved a hand to pull the hat away by the knot on top. What was revealed had the three of them laughing at least some what despite the situation. "this is definitely Tony's kid." The hair was long, dark, and thick and was nearly standing straight up.
"Hey, he's Italian." He tried for lighthearted and mostly succeeded despite a few fresh tears.
"Come here," Gibbs gave the baby back to Ziva as he stood and traded places with Tony. "Lets get you guys a family photo."
"Those are my sisters lips." It wasn't hard to see Tali in Isiah as she tried her best to memorize every detail.
Gibbs was reluctant with his words as he gave the camera back but he said them none the less, "I've got to get going."
Tony nodded his understanding with a mumbled thank you as they watched Gibbs go.
"Are they coming to take him?" She was hesitant in her words as she held him a bit closer than necessary.
"No one is going to take him Ziva." He heard the fear, she had lost him once that day and he doubted she'd be able to handle a second time right now. "He's ours and nothing will change that."
"He's ours to keep." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as he watched tears fall down her nose. "He's ours."
"Get up here." Tony requested as he fixed the bed for them. It wasn't long before Ziva was curled into his chest with the baby and he was left to remind himself that it no longer would matter if they slept like that. His tears fell silently as he listened to Ziva repeat how the baby was theirs as her tears covered his shirt until eventually she exhausted and fell asleep that way.
His tears didn't stop as he held his family close. "Isiah," His fingers had found there way into that crazy hair and he simply allowed himself to enjoy the silkiness of it. "Daddy loves you."