|Evil Is as Evil Does
Author: King in Yellow PM
Kim Possible, at a villain's weekend with Shego? Someone is up to no good, or at least trying to be up to no good. Does Kim have too much experience being good to be bad? Villainy isn't just evil; it's a job. Don't embarrass your partner. Best Enemies series.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 4,500 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Published: 02-09-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7820538
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
NoDrogs created the twins, whose origin I modified. Visit my profile page for an overview of the (overly long) BE series.
Evil Is As Evil Does
"I feel dreadfully out of place," the woman in the leopard costume said as she looked over a room full of people - most of the men in tuxes and the women in evening gowns.
"I warned you," the woman with the pale, greenish complexion reminded her. "Costume and bodyguards for the banquet. The cocktail hour is a truce period, and most villains don't wear their costumes or bring bodyguards as a show of good faith."
"Honor among thieves?" Sheela of the Leopard People asked ironically.
"I don't make fun of your friends."
"Sorry, I just feel like I don't belong here."
"You don't. I'm not sure I like you crashing my villain's weekend. You could have worn an evening gown."
Sheela snorted, "Oh yeah, Kim Possible at the Villain's Guild Banquet."
"Just remember your place, everyone thinks you're here as my hired help," Shego reminded her. "And for God's sake, don't embarrass me."
Although his height, or lack thereof, was a constant source of embarrassment for Professor Dementor it had its occasional compensation.
"Eyes up here," Shego reminded him.
"I do not recall you at the banquet last year," the German commented.
"I was studying for the bar exam. Not that you ever look at a woman's face anyway.
"I will always remember your costume. You will change before the banquet, nicht wahr?"
"But of course," the green woman assured him.
"And who is this?" the Professor asked, with a disapproving look at the second woman.
"My intern," Shego explained, "Sheela of the Leopard People."
"You should teach her etiquette," he said sternly. "Bodyguards, henchmen, and interns should be with support staff. And what does a lawyer need with an intern?"
Shego turned to the woman, "Sheela, be a dear and bring me a drink." The redhead growled slightly and headed for the bar. The lawyer turned back to the German, "Word of advice, she has a nasty temper and could rip off your head and use it as a soccer ball if you piss her off. I have enough enemies that I can appreciate a bodyguard. I–"
"Rumor has it you prefer to 'appreciate' women."
Shego glanced in Kim's direction as her partner moved to the open bar. The swish of the tail accented the motion of the redhead's rear. "I'm not here to discuss my personal life. She is a dear little pet, and a great comfort to me. A very great comfort. That is not what I want to talk with you about."
"I am not in current need of US legal counsel, I–"
"You are on the membership committee?" The German nodded. "Can I assume you are responsible for Doctor Drakken's removal from the membership rolls?"
"Fräulein, he no longer belongs in the guild. He has become an honest businessman."
"You are so out of touch with reality," she chuckled, "at least half his income comes from government contracts – the greatest source of dishonest gain in the world."
Dementor proved reluctant, "Perhaps that is true. But he is a poseur, not a doctor."
"He'll receive two honorary doctorates this spring for his tax deductible gifts to university science programs."
"Honorary doctorates," Dementor scoffed, "mean nothing!"
"Oh, and where do you teach that you earned the title Professor?"
"I taught at-"
"You aren't going to mention that adjunct work you did, are you? Adjuncts are not professors."
Dementor shut his mouth and thought for a minute. "I will recommend Doctor Drakken's reinstatement, on the condition that this conversation did not happen."
"Of course," Shego assured him with a smile. "We only spoke about my legal services – should you ever find yourself in need of US representation."
"Your drink, mistress," Sheela said, handing Shego a wine spritzer. She had a Coke and cranberry juice for herself.
Dementor chuckled and Shego glared at her 'intern' and handed the glass back, "Bourbon. Neat. And the good stuff from the wall, not that swill in the well. I do not do sissy drinks."
Kim moved back to the bar. Dementor and Shego both watched the swish of her tail. "It is so hard to find good help," the German said sympathetically.
"So true," the green woman sighed. "But she is still a dear little pet."
Kim fidgeted at Shego's side for twenty minutes as the green woman worked the crowd, handing out business cards and catching up with acquaintances.
"This is long enough," Kim thought. "I, uh, feel out of place here. Maybe I'll find the support staff mixer or go back to the room."
"Cash bar if you go to the mixer. And since you obviously have no place for a wallet you can put anything on my account. You'll pay me back later – with interest, wink, wink."
"You're cruel," Kim pouted.
"And you had no business coming here with me. It makes me think you don't trust me," Shego replied. Trust, Shego suspected, was not the issue. She was frankly surprised that Kim had lasted as long as she had at the cocktail hour.
"Of course I trust you," Kim insisted. "I just wanted to see what you do on a villain weekend."
"Just don't embarrass me," Shego warned again.
Shego believed Kim trusted her by now. However, she suspected she knew exactly why Kim was there and was disappointed that her partner was lying to her. She stared at the swish of Kim's tail as the redhead left the room and licked her upper lip. The former cheerleader would definitely pay her back with interest… The green woman wondered briefly if the leopard costume could be laundered or was dry clean only. Shego believed Kim's ulterior motive was a hope for a lead on the identity of the Pool Shark. The two had been in an argument on the subject a few days before Kim's unusual request to accompany her to the Villain's Guild banquet.
"Look, all his gambling sites are legal in the countries where they are set up," Shego had reminded Kim.
"But it isn't legal for Americans to be gambling there."
"How is that his fault? Arrest the suckers betting with him – they're the ones breaking the law."
"He's suspected of fixing sporting events in countries around the world."
"Suspected, Kim, you said it yourself, suspected. Global Justice have hard evidence of anything?"
"We find the small fry, they say they're working for him. That's enough to bring him in for questioning."
"Hearsay. You can't hold him for that. Do the small fry even give a description?" Kim hesitated. "Well?" Shego demanded.
"Different descriptions," Kim admitted. "Probably hired by middle management."
"Probably pulling the name out of their asses. Blame the Shark and hope to get an offer of clemency for turning state's evidence."
"If the Shark is innocent why doesn't anyone know who he is?"
"Could be a she, and it doesn't matter. The Shark has a right to privacy. Maybe he's a germaphobe or something… This isn't about the Shark at all, is it?"
"What do you mean?"
"This is about Will Du. You know he wanted the Shark and couldn't find him. You're just trying to show him up."
"This is not about Will!"
"I'm a bad influence on you. You're getting way too fast at lying… Was there some old god who plucked out his eye in return for knowledge or wisdom or something?"
"I, um, was that Odin?"
"Could have been. Anyway, you'd be walking around like Betty Director if you had the chance to show up Will at the cost of an eye."
Kim had retreated into silence at the accusation, but a few days later had asked to attend the Villain's Guild Banquet with Shego.
After leaving Shego at the cocktail party Kim headed downstairs to the support staff mixer. She stopped at a sign for directions and changed her plans slightly. The mixer was in the ballroom to her right, but an arrow pointing left was labeled, "Placement Services."
"Pre-registered with placement?" one of the men with a plastic Hench Co badge asked her. The two men sat at a table with notebooks, a cash box, a credit card machine and other office supplies scattered in a haphazard manner. He reached for a notebook labeled 'pre-registration.' Kim shook her head no.
The second man picked up the notebook labeled 'members'. "Current member?" Kim shook her head no again. "Fifty dollar entrance fee, cash or credit. We don't take checks."
"I don't have any… Can I charge it to Shego? I'm her intern."
"You're trying to dump your boss for a new boss, and you want to charge the boss you're trying to dump?"
Kim hesitated, "Yeah, I guess that–"
The first man laughed and turned to the second, "This one is really evil."
"It's going to appear on her charges," the second warned her. "You really want to do that?"
"She doesn't scare me," 'Sheela' boasted. "Go ahead." "I am in so much trouble when we get home." She signed the form put in front of her and accepted the yellow duplicate receipt which she folded and tucked up her sleeve. The second man handed her a Sharpie™ and an adhesive-backed name tag. White letters on the red border of the name tag proclaimed, 'Hi! I'm'. Kim neatly printed 'Sheela' and wondered where to stick the name tag. On her chest was an invitation for guys to stare at her boobs. Sticking it anywhere else – she briefly considered putting it on her forehead – said she was self-conscious about guys staring at her chest. She sighed, pulled off the back of the name tag and placed it just below her left shoulder, on her collarbone.
Her feelings of being out-of-place returned as soon as Kim stepped into the placement room. The occupants fell into two categories, those in expensive suits with leather portfolios accepting résumés and those with résumés wanting to give them to the men in expensive suits. Kim, without résumés, noticed a chalkboard set on a tripod with a heading of "Interview Schedule." The Pool Shark did not appear on the list of firms doing interviews. On one side of the room a long bulletin board labeled, "Seeking Positions" was buried in résumés pinned to the board. No one appeared to be looking at the résumés and Kim saw no reason to look either. On the other side of the room a smaller bulletin board was labeled "Help Wanted." Several people were looking at the neatly posted positions, and Kim guessed that she would have seen crowds there if she had arrived earlier.
A fast scan of the 'help wanted' listings didn't turn up the Shark, but several names caught Kim's eye. "Motor Ed? Haven't heard from him since he kidnapped the babies," Kim thought. "I'd better find him before Shego does… Shego won't leave enough for me to punch out." She stared at the ad, trying to find a clue as to Motor Ed's location in the PO box to which applicants were directed to send their résumés.
"You don't look like a grease monkey," a voice said. Kim turned and saw a short, stocky young woman whose name tag read, 'Hi, I'm Nancy' standing beside her. "Or do you want the moll position? I hear he's a real creep."
"Yeah," Kim agreed. "I know him. I wouldn't mind putting my fist in his face."
"He's big… So you're a noob and you're dumb?"
"I… Pretty much a noob I guess."
Nancy stuck out her hand in welcome, "What are you looking for? Don't sign up with Spiny Norman. He'll take anyone but it's worse than entry level. HenchCo won't even take you for their temp service if you've worked for Norman."
"I'm an intern for Shego right now."
"Shego? Who's she?"
"You've never heard of Shego?"
"No… Who is she?"
"She's like the greatest thief in… Okay, she was a great thief… She's not really stealing now, she's a lawyer. She used to work for Doctor Drakken."
"Uh, who's he?"
"Major... That was a few years back."
"Sorry, this is my second year. What are you looking for?"
"I'd like to hench for Pool Shark."
"Noob!" the other woman snorted.
"What do you mean?"
"They say the first rule of placement services is don't ask about the Shark. They say he has people contact you if he's interested, but no one knows who they are – or even if the story's true. But they say if you're asking about him it scares his recruiters away."
"Great. So no one will talk with me?"
"No one with a brain. What's your skill set? Maybe I could help you find something."
"I… I guess I fight very well."
Nancy looked Kim over and raised an eyebrow skeptically, "You don't look like muscle. You look more like a moll. Muscle pays lousy. Brain jobs pay better."
"What do you do?"
"I've been personal assistant to Alien Brain for a year, I'm hoping for–"
"Well, I upgraded his life support system. He pays lousy. I'm hoping for a lab assistant job with Professor Dementor."
"Lab assistant is higher than personal assistant?"
"No, but Dementor's a big name, henching for him looks good on the résumé, and he pays better than Brain. I'm not going to hench forever. I'm going to be a villain someday. I've got this idea with nanobots, if I could–"
"Nancy isn't a very evil name."
"I'm working on it. I wanted something with IT, but people would just call me 'It Woman'. I applied for a grant from the Señor Senior foundation but they said my prospectus needed work. I… You got anything saved? I'd be willing to go partners."
"I, um, don't really know enough about your plan."
"I'll show you the prospectus. You staying at the hotel? Will you be at the banquet?"
Kim sighed and told Nancy her room number, then accepted the résumé the woman handed her. "You shouldn't show up this late," the woman warned Kim. "They think you're lazy. Don't show up too early – they think you're too ambitious. And don't even think about signing on with Norman, only losers hench for Norman. Now network – someone may know someone who knows someone." The short woman left to hand out more résumés and schmooze.
Kim sighed and left the placement room. She wondered if she'd have any better luck at the support staff mixer. 'Sheela' ordered a Coke and cranberry juice at the bar and looked around the ballroom. It was more cliquish than high school. Groups who saw themselves as 'better' than others kept to themselves – Kim recognized the uniform of Dementor's henchmen as one of the groups snubbing the occasional optimist who tried to break into their private circle.
Two or three guys tried to pick her up with really lame lines. Kim felt no particular surprise to learn they all henched for Spiny Norman. She accepted that the weekend was a loss in terms of finding information on the Shark and gravitated to a small table in the corner where a retired henchman wearing goggles with a red lens and blue lens sat nursing a tall whiskey and soda.
"Kids today," the old-timer scoffed, "don't know nuthin' 'bout evil. Back in fifty-four I was henchin' for the Three-D Man. We didn't need no fancy computers or smart phones. None of this plastic explosive… Plastic explosive! We used real explosive. He had the courthouse in Cleveland all wired up with dynamite - demanding two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars he was. Now that's evil!"
"What happened?" Kim asked.
"What do you think happened? What do you think always happens! Some damn hero came crashing through a skylight. Wish I had a dollar for every skylight I've seen smashed."
Kim tried to say, "I'm sorry," but she wasn't and the lie couldn't leave her lips so she shrugged in a noncommittal fashion. Encouraged by her silence the old timer began to regale her with tales of dastardly evil which always ended up thwarted by heroes.
The PA system blared the news that the banquet would begin in half an hour and some of the henchmen and bodyguards left to prepare. The banquet the year before had actually not ended in the traditional fistfight, but no one wanted to risk thinking it would be another peaceful year.
Back in their room Kim offered to help Shego into her green-and-black catsuit.
"No thanks," the lawyer answered. "I don't think your help would get me dressed faster."
"Then can I help you undress after dinner?"
Shego smiled, "I accept your offer."
"I don't know why you even get into that outfit. You're a lawyer now, shouldn't you dress like a lawyer?"
"I'm putting this on to show I can still get into it. And I happen to think I look pretty damn hot in it – don't you?"
"Hey, I offered to help you dress and you implied I wanted to throw you on the bed and make passionate love to you."
"Of course. I'm saying I think you look sexy, and you know I do."
At the banquet Kim didn't recognize anyone at the table with her and Shego. The redhead wasn't certain, but a thin, angular man with a twitch might have introduced himself as Heinz Doofenschmirtz. He spent much of his time looking around nervously and muttering something about a platypus. The others at the table were all lawyers and Shego spent her time talking with them about her firm and swapping stories of studying for the bar. 'Sheela' actually felt relief when Nancy hurried over to the table and handed Kim a copy of her prospectus – at least it was a brief intermission from hearing law conversation.
Kim slipped a hand under the table and ran it sensuously up Shego's leg. Shego leaned over and hissed, "Stop it!" in Kim's ear.
The former cheerleader was tempted to protest, Shego was not talking about her firm with potential clients – she was just engaged in boring law talk. Before she opened her mouth, however, she realized that no matter what she thought of the conversation or its importance Shego might be enjoying the discussion or gaining information that would be of value for her. "Sorry," Kim whispered and took her hand off the older woman's thigh.
The promise of their exorbitantly high security deposit being returned kept the traditional fight at the end of the Villains' Guild banquet from happening. After dinner Kim and Shego returned to their room, argued briefly about trust issues and spent half an hour in bed making up before drifting off to sleep.
In the morning Shego told Kim, "Pack our stuff, I'll pay the bill."
"If anyone saw us it would be bad for my rep, unless you want to get back into that cheesy leopard girl costume."
"Breakfast on the road it is."
As Kim put the overnight bags in the trunk of the rented car she remembered signing for the placement service on Shego's bill, she could picture the green woman arguing with the clerk about the charge and headed back to tell her partner what she'd done. Kim caught herself before she found Shego, the older woman had said being seen with Kim would be bad for her reputation. Before Kim could slip back to the car, however, she was spotted.
"Kim Possible," the man gasped and shrank back.
Kim started to deny her identity, "I'm not–"
"I haven't done anything! I didn't even know the Villains' Guild had a– I mean, I don't even know what the Villains' Guild is! Never heard of them!"
Kim stared. He looked slightly familiar… "Chester Yapsby?"
"I didn't do it! I wasn't there! I have witnesses for that night!"
She took a step backward, "Look, I don't care about you–" Three or four people were leaving and another one recognized her. "–I wanted to find–"
"Who?" someone in the small group demanded. "Who were you looking for?"
"How do I get out of this," Kim wondered, hoping to escape without a fight starting. Before she could come up with a plan two more people came around the corner – Shego so deep in conversation with one of the lawyers from the night before that she didn't even notice Kim. The redhead quickly pulled out her Global Justice badge, "Shego! You're wanted for questioning." Kim assumed a battle stance, unsure what Shego might do. In a real fight Shego would have her back against the villains present, but there was a chance the green woman would make a show of not going without a fight.
"What the hell do you want?" Shego snapped, and Kim wasn't sure if the annoyed tone was real or acting.
"I told you; you're wanted for questioning. Please come quietly."
"There are no warrants out on me. I'm on probation. Leave me alone."
"If that's the way you want it," Kim pulled out her handcuffs, "I'm taking you in on suspicion. You have the right to remain silent. If you do say anything, what you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult with a lawyer and have that lawyer present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you if you so desire."
Shego stared in disbelief as Kim put on the handcuffs, cuffing the older woman's arms in front of her body. "You're all witnesses!" the green woman told the villains looking on.
At the threat of being called in to testify the crowd averted their eyes and shuffled nervously away, with the exception of the lawyer who had been talking with Shego. He took out a business card and slipped it in her jacket pocket. "Call me," he suggested.
Kim took Shego by the arm and escorted her out the door to the rental car. In case anyone was watching Kim put Shego in the rear seat, then took her place behind the wheel and drove off.
The green woman seethed for a couple blocks before demanding, "What in the hell are you doing!"
"You said we shouldn't be seen together, it would hurt your reputation. I thought arresting you would be better for your reputation after I was recognized."
Shego thought for a moment, "Probably better than letting them know I'm married to you. Want to know how many mistakes you made back there? You sound like a TV show."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's start with leaving off the last clause of the Miranda Rights, the one they always leave on TV and the movies, ' If you choose to talk to the police officer, you have the right to stop the interview at any time.' Not that you needed the Miranda Rights, Global Justice is a UN agency – I don't know what you're supposed to say. You can't bring anyone in on suspicion, that's fiction like ship captains performing marriages. You can subpoena me to answer questions or arrest me on probable cause or a warrant, but there is no arresting someone on suspicion. And what's with the handcuffs in front? Did you flunk that GJ course? You cuff hands behind someone's back."
"I wanted you to be comfortable."
"Verisimilitude, Kim, verisimilitude! That arrest was so bogus I'm surprised everyone there didn't see through it."
They were passing a diner, and Kim decided they were far enough from the convention hotel she could safely pull into the parking lot without fear of observation. She let Shego out of the back seat, put her arms around her partner and tried to kiss her before removing the handcuffs.
Shego turned her face to avoid Kim's lips, "You know I don't like restraints."
The redhead removed the cuffs. "Sorry." She kissed Shego. "I owe you… Want to put the cuffs on me?"
The two entered the diner. "Want me to wear the dud mind control chip?" Kim offered as they looked at the menus. "Want your obedient slave to do whatever you want?"
Shego paused in thought, "No… You owe me more… I saw that charge to placement services on the bill."
The waitress came over to take their omelet orders. "More than me in handcuffs or with the control chip?" Kim asked after the waitress left.
"Why are you into that stuff?"
Kim paused. "Not sure… I guess I'm saying I love you. I'm giving you permission to ask anything you want from me. I just want to make you happy. I'm also saying I absolutely trust you. I know you won't do anything to hurt me."
"Do you think I don't trust you because I–"
"Of course not… But I'm still curious about me owing you more… Will this have something to do with me in my cheerleading outfit and no underwear?"
Shego smiled at the thought. "No… Two things. First, next weekend we leave the twins with your mom and dad one night. You make a reservation for two at a nice restaurant in Upperton. On the drive home we do not talk about the kids, we talk about how much we love each other. We get home and share a split of champagne in the Jacuzzi – you will not complain about it being Brut. Then we retire to the bedroom and make love until we're both exhausted. Think you can handle that?"
Kim heaved a theatrical sigh, "I suppose. If I must… You said two things. That was the first, what's the second?"
"Next time it's my week to do the laundry? You're doing it."