|Hardcover Paranormal Romance
Author: badjujube PM
Edward has an issue with Bella Swan that can't be found in the employee handbook. AU, goofy. Complete.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 19 - Words: 41,720 - Reviews: 1,899 - Favs: 1,002 - Follows: 1,178 - Updated: 11-12-12 - Published: 02-11-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7824101
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Infuriating Bookstore Jerk…w4mDate: 2011-9-18 , 7:35 PM PST
Reply to: .eduDear Uptight Asshole At My Local Bookstore,
(You know who you are)
I was coming out of a job interview in the store you work in and I accidentally bumped into you outside the manager's office.
Not my fault, by the way. You were the one skulking around in the stockroom. You ever thought about making some noise when you walk around? It would save you the discomfort of having to make physical contact with women who are repellent to you. Which is probably all of us, given the ridiculous expense and quality of your clothing and the amount of grooming you clearly engage in. You obviously use manscara; no one has eyelashes like that without some help from L'oreal.
Anyhow, I accidentally bumped into you and you gave me a dramatic scowl and leapt backwards into the supply cabinet as if I had leprosy or something. I was about to say as if I had exposed myself to you, but if I'd had a penis it probably would have been more to your liking. (see above where I determine your sexual orientation)
It was then that I realized that I knew you from somewhere, and another look at your pasty white face and meticulous clothing refreshed my memory. Ironically, it was the last time I'd been treated this rudely. Your immature behavior had "high school" written all over it, and I realized that you and I actually went to high school together for all of a day. I distinctly remember walking into my junior year biology class on my first day at a new school only to see my assigned partner –clearly quite the social success himself given that he was the only one without a partner and the other students gave him a berth worthy of rancid skunk vomit – shuddering and covering his mouth and nose as if to prevent himself from vomiting at my mere presence.
Then the next day you were gone. Rumor had it that you had been accepted at some fancy music school where you could clearly hang out with a higher caliber of people. Obviously, it set you up for success since you are now a supervisor in a book store. Congrats. Your parents, who actually seem like really nice people despite having spawned a world-class asshole, must be so proud.
What in the hell is your problem, dude? Whatever it is, you might want to get over it because I just got a call from your manager and we are co-workers now. I look forward to lots more of your nasty attitude and theatrics to brighten up my workday. Hopefully I'll pick your name when we do Secret Santas this Christmas. I have this great scarf that I made for my ex-boyfriend that he gave me back when he fell in love with his cousin. It only smells a little bit like wet dog.
Needs This Job But Doesn't Need Your Crap in Forks
a/n: Hi! This originated in the Twilight of Craigslist contest where this part won 2nd place for Best Canon/AU. (Check out my cool banner Time_Lights made for me at my blog!) This time it's actually beta'ed, though, which I think adds. The lovely and tolerant Betham did the honors.
It will be a multi-chapter story, I will post the next two today. Then I will only post weekly, I don't know what days; it depends on how lazy I am. Thanks for reading! xoxo JuJu