|The Long Gun of the Law
Author: Jack The Bard PM
A story about a summoner's love for the Sheriff of Piltover, originally posted on the LoL Fan Fiction Forums. Please R&RRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Caitlyn - Chapters: 13 - Words: 23,359 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 01-27-13 - Published: 02-11-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7826750
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I figured that I would write a story about a summoner and his relationship with one of the League Champions, since the most lore we seem to get about the characters comes from their judgments and the JoJ. I warn you all ahead of time: the summoner in question is a parallel to who I am, yet please don't let that deter you.
Part 1: The Best-Laid plans of Drunken Men…
It began in a bar. Just like all great adventures in fantasy worlds, it began with a small group of friends sitting at a table together, carousing, and alternating between laughter and pints of ale. My friends and I had just finished with a long day at the Ministry of War, training ourselves to be better summoners, (though some of us needed more practice than others) and were finally taking a load off in our favorite bar in Bilgewater.
My name is Jack, though when I sailed the high seas, I was known as "Spicy Jack, the Bard of Bilgewater" for my talents in storytelling and instruments. Not a very fearsome name, but it suited me just fine. The cool metal of the tankard in my hand jolted me back from daydreaming as one of my compatriots, an Ionian summoner named Lee, shouted for another round.
He and I were almost total opposites, he being tall and broad, while I was slightly shorter and slender. More importantly, he was a better combatant when it came to the League. In fact, all of the summoners at the table showed more skill than I did, though that is neither here nor there. When we came together as a group, we formed one of the deadliest teams to ever traverse the Fields of Justice.
"Oy! Jack!" he shouted, passing his tankard to a passing serving girl, "Are you having another?"
I shook my head with a smile on my face, "I'm afraid not, 'Doom Slayer'," I said, referring to the name he used on the Fields of Justice, "We agreed that I was going to be teleporting the rest of us back to the Ministry, and I don't want to wind up throwing us into the ocean like last time."
Guffaws erupted from all but Stephen, who instead threw an obscene gesture my way, causing more laughter to ensue. You see, whenever we go out for drinks away from the Ministry of War, one of us is asked to prepare a teleportation spell so we didn't pass out in the streets of whatever city-state we were visiting, and tonight it was my turn. Last week, Stephen had drunk a little bit too much Graggy Ice, and wound up dumping us into the ocean about twenty feet from the pier we had been standing on.
Once the next round of beverages came by, we all returned to our conversation of our performances on the Fields today. "I've been thinking about doing a different build for Jax," Stephen said, he being the best of all of us. If he had an idea for anything pertaining to the League of Legends, you knew it would be good. He proceeded to explain to us his idea for a jungling Jax build.
At those two "j" words, Wallace spoke up. Wallace came from Piltover, and always had a neatly trimmed beard, spectacles like mine, and usually wore a knit hat pulled down around his ears. "Jungle Jax?" he said, using the soft "j" sound. Whenever one of us would propose a build for the jungles of Summoner's Rift, we would always use the soft "j". So "Jungle Jax" sounded like "Yungle Yax", "Jungle Skarner" turned into "Yungle Yarner" and so forth. It was yet another goofy habit we had all gotten into over the course of our working relationship.
Stephen, Lee, Wallace, two more Ionian summoners named Tay and John, a Frejlordian named Jakob, and myself all continued our conversation as we drank, and I foolishly chose to down a few more tankards of grog. I say foolishly because it may or may not have impaired my judgment in what I said after a while.
"Guys, I think I'm going to ask out one of the champions."
Only John and Stephen heard me, the rest taking up a pirate's drinking song that some of the other patrons of the bar joined in with. "Why would you want to do that?" John asked, leaning in close, almost shouting so his voice could be heard over the singing summoners and pirates.
"I don't know, maybe it's because I have a good working relationship with her already, and I genuinely like her." I said, my voice slurring only slightly.
Stephen reached across the table (an easy feat for him, considering he was about as tall as Lee and a lot more slender), and smacked me in the head, knocking my spectacles slightly off-kilter.
"What was that for?" I shout, the pain returning me slightly to sobriety.
"For even entertaining such a foolish notion. Depending on which champion you're talking about, you may be digging yourself a shallower or deeper grave. Either way, it's a bad thing. Don't do it."
John was a little more interested in who my intended was, "Which champion?"
"Caitlyn," I responded, almost abashedly.
He had to stand up in order to reach across the table and smack me in the head.
"What was that for?" I ask again, "I'm not used to this kind of abuse!"
"She's out of your league," John said, Stephen nodding beside him, "Have you taken a look at her? She's freaking gorgeous. That, combined with the fact that she's one of the most popular champions in the League right now… yeah, you're kind of screwed."
I felt the heat rising up my neck as I ran a hand through my short brown hair, a nervous habit of mine, "So? If Bob Nashahago could get a date with Nidalee, then why can't I get one with Caitlyn?"
Stephen tried to smack me in the head again, though I evaded it, "First off, Bob is well known throughout Runeterra. You have barely made a blip on the radar. That, and Caitlyn is WAY more popular than Nidalee. Like John said: You don't have a chance."
I gave a slight shrug, "Doesn't mean I can't try." By this point, Jakob and Lee had sat down with the three of us, having finished their song. Tay and Wallace continued to sing with the pirates, diving into rousing songs like "The Yordles Stole My Pots" and "The Noxian's Wife". The Frejlordian and Ionian were listening intently to the conversation between Stephen, John, and myself, and both burst out laughing when I made my last statement.
Jakob was the first to recover, tears in his eyes from laughter, "If you get a date with Caitlyn, I'll kiss Cassiopeia in the middle of the street!" he said, clapping me on the back, his face turning red from both alcohol and mirth. "Seeing you trying to ask out Caitlyn is going to be a lot more entertaining than watching you play, though it will be just as painful to see," Lee added, giving me a great white smile.
I looked at the other four summoners at the table, "Alright, with you lot as my witnesses, if I get a date with Caitlyn, Sherriff of Piltover, then we'll have to ensure that Jakob has a date with Cassiopeia." They all smiled drunken grins right back at me and nodded. I barked a laugh and downed the rest of my beverage, slamming it back on the table. The resulting belch caused the pirates at the table next to us to cheer and raise their tankards in salute, one that I returned with a simple thumbs-up.
Standing, staggering, I gathered my compatriots, dragging Tay and Wallace away from their new-found friends. Walking with some difficulty out to the pier, we all made ready to return to the Ministry of War. A chanting incantation rose from my lips, and we could feel space bending around us as it folded to place the seven of us in a tree about one mile away from the Ministry. I wound up, upside down, my summoner's robes tangled up in the branches, me being dangled upside down. Stephen began laughing as he made his way down to the ground saying, "See? I'm not the only one that messes up when drunk!"
"At least he got us further," Wallace responded before vomiting in a nearby bush, and the bickering began anew.
I blocked their words out as we walked back to the Ministry. I had a date with destiny, and hopefully Caitlyn too.