|Birds, Bees and Other Beasts
Author: mea-kh PM
A humorous look inside Caroline's head as she tries not to fall for Klaus's charms. And fails miserably.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - Caroline F. & Klaus - Chapters: 24 - Words: 33,274 - Reviews: 658 - Favs: 481 - Follows: 356 - Updated: 11-17-12 - Published: 02-19-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7853494
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I think I'm suffering from shock. You know, the kind that doctors have to treat. And the fact that I can smell whatever goddamn intoxicatingly scented shampoo Klaus uses because my nose is is right fucking next to his curly blonde head isn't helping a bit.
A little old lady out tending to her flowers smiles and waves at us. I don't really know what to do, so I give a little wave back.
This is so surreal.
If there was a vampire version of candid camera, I'd totally be on it right now. On the surface Klaus may look the part of a completely whipped boyfriend giving his pathetically handicapped girlfriend a ride home on his back, but underneath I know he's nothing but a self-serving, blood-sucking, mind-fucking toad who smells really, really fantastic and has a killer set of dimples. The jerk.
My conversation with Damon keeps replaying in my head, about how sex is different between vampires. How it doesn't mean the same thing as it does for humans. How we're built to dominate and when we see something we want, it's just our nature to go after it until it submits. And against my better judgment I start thinking Damon may be right.
He can never know that.
Would it really be so terrible to have a little fun on the side? I wouldn't really be betraying Elena, would I? It's not like I'm in love with the dude or anything even remotely similar to liking. He's just fuckhawt and I'm so horny I could...
You know what? I'm not going to worry about it right now. Hakuna matata and all that jazz. Klaus isn't kidnapping me, threatening, or being a cruel vindictive meanie in any way, so I decide to just sit back and enjoy the ride. And if my crotch just so happens to rub against his back a little then so be it.
Tyler is sitting on my porch.
I try ducking behind Klaus, but my legs are still wrapped around his waist and he isn't letting go.
I grab onto his shirt collar and try steering him like a horse, but he just keeps moseying on forward.
"Stop! Turn around!" I whisper desperately in his ear. He ignores me. "Whoa!" I try in a last ditch effort to avoid the headache I'm sure is waiting for me on the steps of my house.
"Caroline? What the hell is going on?" Aannnd there it is, pinging just above my right eye ball.
"This isn't what it looks like," I mumble in the back of Klaus's neck, trying to salvage the situation. But that's pretty much all I got. Because this is exactly what it looks like.
Klaus calmly walks past Tyler and sets me back on my feet just in front of my door. The palms of his hands run up my thighs as I slide off his back and I can't help but gasp at the sensation. This is so not the appropriate time to get turned on.
Klaus turns around and we're like, really close because I'm still in the same spot I landed which was fine when his back was turned, but now that I have his eyes and those lips and those goddamn maiden slaying dimples to stare at instead of the back of his curly head, I'm suddenly feeling very tingly in all the worst/best places.
Normally this is the moment I would say something snarky or kick him in the shins and make a run for it, but I find that all I want to do is wrap my legs back around his waist and...
He licks his lips, and it's such a goddamn fascinating movement that my brain just shuts off and goes on instant replay mode over and over it in my head. I inhale a sharp breath as his hand comes up to the side of my face and runs his fingers across my cheek to the back of my head and...
...pulls a twig out of my hair.
"Have a pleasant day, Caroline."
His smile, as he turns to leave, has a distinct snake-like quality to it. Without thinking I lunge forward to grab hold of his coat, but stop short when I notice Tyler standing with his fists clenched, positively foaming at the mouth with rage.
Klaus pats him on the back as he passes and offers a parting, "see you around, old boy."
That throbbing over my right eye is back.
As soon as Klaus turns the corner and we can no longer see him because yes, we were both watching him walk away for two totally different reasons, Tyler pounces on me.
"What. The. Fuck. were you doing riding Klaus?" Even I think that's a poor choice of words. Now I've got images of cowgirl costumes and saddles and leather whips flying through my sadly taxed brain.
I sigh and just motion to my shoes. Or shoe, as the case may be.
I really don't want to talk to Tyler right now. Or, like, ever. He bit me and I understood. He left town for months to go break his sire-bond, I understood. He failed, I understood. He broke up with me, I smashed a plate over his head, but I still understood. What I don't understand is why he thinks he has any say anymore in who I do or do not ride in this town. And yes, that was a euphemism for sex in case you were wondering.
Tyler's still spitting mad, but he's not saying anything new that I haven't already told myself, just a lot louder. I press my fingers to my temples, tempted to just keep pushing until my head explodes.
"Look, Tyler," I cut him off mid-how stupid can you be trusting a monster like Klaus? "I appreciate your concern, but I started putting on my big girl pants a long time ago. And as I recall, you gave up all rights and privileges to enter Caroline World when you broke up with me. Therefore, if you have any comments or suggestion regarding how I live my life or manage my affairs, please write them all down and shove them up your ass. I bid you good day." And calmly turn and walk into my house.
"Car..." he starts, moving forward as if to stop me.
"I said good day!"
And slam the door in his face. Childish? Yes. But satisfying none the less.
I take a deep, cleansing, highly unnecessary breath and slowly slide down to the floor feeling exhausted all of a sudden. If anything, I should sleep with Klaus to save my health. It's a weak excuse, but it goes on the pro-list just the same.
I can still feel him between my thighs. Oh god, I am absolutely throbbing and I feel so ridiculous sitting here feeling so turned on when I haven't even kissed him yet. And I'm thinking yet as if it's a foregone conclusion and I'm starting to think that maybe... maybe...
Maybe I need a cold fucking shower.
I get up and start stripping off my clothes even before I get to the bathroom because I'm just so frustrated and overheated and still not entirely sober. I pause with my shirt half-way over my head because damn! I can smell him on my clothes and I can feel something primal well up in me at the thought that my scent is probably all over him as well.
I stumble blindly into the bathroom, shirt still stuck to my face as I inhale and inhale. I can't help but irrationally blame Tyler for ruining everything because if he hadn't been waiting on my porch like a creeper Klaus and I could have been... could have been...
Could have been what, Caroline? I think angrily. Could have impulsively shoved your tongue down his throat? Invited him up to see your bedroom? Lost all fucking control over the situation like an ammeter? Klaus is a pro. Don Jaun and Casanova probably took notes from watching him. I have to control myself if I want to do this right. I have to be stealthy. Sneaky. Unpredictable. I have to become Ninja.
I have to relive some of this motherfucking tension that's been building up inside of me like the tick tick tick of a time bomb.
I toss my shirt away and march over to the tub with a purpose, but hesitate with my hand on the tap. If I turn it to cold, would that really solve my problem? It might numb it for a while, sure. Distract it, but not make it better.
If I turned the tap to warm however, I could let the water run all over my body making it slick and wet, let the steam open my pores making my skin sensitive to the touch of my fingers as they caressed... rubbed... penetrated... I could let my imagination run wild with images of Klaus and his fingers and his body...
What the hell?
"Hakuna matata, bitch." And I flip it to warm.
A big huge ginormous THANK YOU to AmethystLex67 for posting a recommendation for Birds, Bees and Other Beasts in her amazingly wonderful story For All That You Are. I'm a big fan of her fic and sooo wasn't expecting to see that at the beginning of her newest chapter. It was a great surprise and you definitely need to check it out if you haven't done so already!
Happy Easter, y'all!