|The Unedited Wedding Scene
Author: JStone95 PM
Crack!Fic. "Wow, Rachel, you look..." "Shut up. C'mon Quinn...you need to come in time to Taylor Swift my wedding..." Because we all know that this is how it was supposed to happen.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Quinn F. & Rachel B. - Words: 2,910 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 7 - Published: 02-22-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7861263
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I'm as livid as any other Faberry/Quinn-fan out there, but I don't think that the right way to deal with angst is to write more angst. So here I am, writing my own happy and Crack!Fic version of how it was supposed to end :D
"Wow, Rachel, you look..."
Rachel typed furiously on her cellphone, talking under her breath. "C'mon Quinn...you need to come in time to Taylor Swift my wedding..."
Finn stared at her, confusion paralyzing him for a few seconds before he tried to gain his fiancée's attention back. "Just...let me take a second to remember this...'cause my brain can't work that fast."
The short brunette ignored him, narrowed eyes trained on her phone. "'Ran home to get my bridesmaid dress'. Why? It's not like she's gonna keep it on tonight. Damn those ugly pink dresses, so unflattering."
"Rachel," Finn whined, "we're gonna get married!"
But she held up one hand to silence him, the other still holding her phone and typing another message to delated bridesmaid. "You...better...," Rachel slowly murmured to herself as she typed in those words, "drag...your sexy ass...right over here...NOW! In capitals with triple exclamation marks. Send."
Finally, looking up from the phone, she gave Finn an impatient look. "Yeah?"
Perplexed, he 'yeah'ed back.
Groaning in frustration, Rachel stomped her way back to the bridesmaids in those horrible pink dresses.
"Who the hell chose this dress for me?" she hissed into the silent room where everybody looked more depressed than happy to be at this occasion.
Kurt shrugged his shoulder. "Dunno, your costume designer?"
Santana pulled a grimace as she picked at her own dress. "Tell him or her that I'mma cuts them. Bitch, I look hot in everything, but this fucking dress? Hell naw...even our show choir dresses would be better than this, and they're probably more expensive."
"Dito," Sugar added, staring at her polished finger nails.
Hiram was going circles by now, almost driving his husband Leroy, Burt and Carol crazy with his nervosity.
"Honey, could you please sit down for a while? It's making me dizzy," Leroy sighed, massaging his forehead.
Hiram halted for a short moment, readjusting his shades. "Why isn't faking an epileptic seizure a good plan? It is fool proof in my mind!"
"Because you're a business man and not an actor," his husband countered. "You wouldn't roll on the floor with your Hugo Boss suit."
Absently stroking his jacket, Hiram scoffed. "Bitch costed me two-thousand dollars. Alright, then what are your plans?"
Burt raised his hand like a student in class. Hiram pointed to him.
The car mechanic grimly said, "How about we kidnap our kids? You kidnap mine and I kidnap Rachel, and then we'll tie them to chairs and let them watch all episodes of 'Teen Mom'. If that doesn't scare them away from life-long commitment and diapers, then I don't know what."
Hiram actually looked like considering it before Carol sighed and said, "How about the traditional way? When the priest says, 'does anybody object?', we stand up and – object!"
The spectacled Berry man simply stared at her for a few seconds before he went on, "Too boring. How about I order the S.W.A.T team to burst into the chapel and arrest Finn for...for..."
"Marrying our baby?" Leroy weakly offered and his husband snapped his fingers. "Exactly! It's a crime to pair up our pearl with anyone less than a pearl. No offense, Burt, Carol." He quickly added as an afterthought and received fake smiles. "But I'm kind of waiting for this pearl called Quinn to knock some sense into my daughter. Not literally, of course."
Burt and Carol just sat there, huffing. Leroy face-palmed. And Hiram kept planning his big plans.
Okay. Quinn Fabray was aware of a few things.
One, she was late to the wedding she intended to crash.
Two, even her hot looks couldn't make the pink dress look at least mediocre.
Three – damn did she look good according to the rearview mirror – no, that wasn't the point. Three, there was a tractor in front of her, a lame ass tractor.
Now, there was some math she had to do before she could overtake the freaking tractor. Her beetle wasn't known as a muscle car, but if she wanted to arrive at the wedding this very day, she just had to drive faster.
Next to her on the passenger seat, her phone was vibrating, indicating one received message.
"Rachel," Quinn grinned to herself. But she was smart enough not to read the message while driving, let alone write back. If she had enough intelligence to get into Yale, then she had enough intelligence to know that you didn't drive and text.
So she forcefully stepped on the gas pedal and accelerated, and after ten gruesome slow seconds, she was finally in front of that tractor. Rolling down the car window, she stuck out her left hand and flipped off the tractor driver.
"Bitch trying to keep me from getting to my Rachel," she grimly muttered.
Leroy and Hiram were with their daughter now and they watched her pacing circles in the room with a painful smile.
Leroy nudged his husband's foot and silently told him with his eyes, 'Do something!'
The business man raised one eyebrow and glanced shortly at his daughter who had taken out her cellphone again to message her missing bridesmaid. He turned his face back to Leroy. 'Why me? You're the woman in this relationship!'
Leroy shot him a glare. 'Then you know that you're the whipped man in this relationship and you do what I say.'
Suppressing an indignant gasp, Hiram put a hand on his chest and he tilted his head. 'What about equality?'
He was met with a hard stare. 'You'll have time to think about equality when you sleep on the couch tonight.'
A horrified expression settled on Hiram's face and he opened his mouth, tracing the words, 'You wouldn't.'
Leroy crossed his arms and raised his chin, a defiant look on his face. This time, he didn't communicate back.
Hiram huffed and slowly trotted to his daughter, shooting an insecure look back to his husband, who gave him a thumbs-up and mouthed, 'I love you.'
The whipped man growled back. 'You're lucky that I've already married you without a prenup.'
But before the Berry man could do anything, Finn and the rest of the male members of Glee Club had entered the room.
"Wait!" Mercedes exclaimed, "you can't see the bride before the wedding!"
"It's okay, I've already seen her."
"But it's bad luck!" Tina said with a frown before she gasped and clamped a hand over her mouth. "Oh my gosh, that's my second line in this episode."
"It's okay if it's bad luck," Finn replied. "That will explain why our marriage won't work in later episodes. If we marry at all. Which I will only know after seven weeks."
Rachel seemed to have managed to get her eyes from her cellphone. She loudly scoffed. "Of course we won't marry."
That shut up the whole room. Not that anyone had talked anyway. But still.
"You won't?" Hiram asked in a hopeful voice.
His daughter shook her head like 'Why the fuck are you thinking that?'. "This marriage is set up just to be crashed."
Leroy raised an eyebrow and stared at his husband who held up his hands defensively. 'Wasn't my idea.'
"Look, if it weren't for that damn marriage, then Quinn would've never let out her inner gay. Now I'm waiting for her to confess her feelings for me," Rachel explained like it had been so obvious the whole time. She focused her attention on her phone again. "And now bitch is running late to crash my wedding. This freaking horrible dress is itching like hell, can't wait till she takes it off of me."
"Wait," Santana frowned, her eyes darting between a constipated looking Finn and a phone-obsessed Rachel. "Is Finnept in the loop? I mean, does he know that you're just pretending to marry him to get Q in the end?"
Finn had started hyperventilating. "Wha-wah-gah-stupid rambling-"
"Obviously not," Kurt dryly answered for him.
"So...you're not- you're not marrying me out of ...love?" Finn asked, shocked. Rachel hadn't heard him, still waiting for a message from Quinn.
"Again, obviously not," Kurt added.
Okay, by now, the display of her phone in the passenger seat showed 'Too many received messages to count' and Quinn found herself glancing at it every two seconds now.
"No, I won't read them now," she muttered to herself, eyes narrowing at the road. She just knew that once she diverted her whole attention on her phone that something would happen. That suddenly a junction would appear and a truck would suddenly crash into her from the left side. But when she kept her eyes on the road, the road would go as straight as her mom wished her to be, and no other car would be there to endanger her.
She felt it. If she picked up the phone, a truck would crash into her, on the driver's side. And of course that truck wouldn't have seen her coming, though he was supposed to stop because she had priority in traffic. She was sure of it. Though she had only met a tractor on her way so far, she was sure that chances of meeting a truck driver who had a faked driving license was pretty high.
That was why she had to be extra careful. Lima had no such thing as a driving school. The knowledge of driving was passed from generation to generation. All learning by doing.
And in her experience, every truck driver was an ignorant asshole. Just because their cars were so big and unafraid of crashes, they proclaimed themselves as kings of the streets. And everybody knew that kings didn't look out for petit bourgeois like her beetle. They didn't care about 'left yields to right', it's not that they couldn't see your car coming, they just expected you to brake in time for them and not to be on your phone.
So that was why Quinn Fabray was holding onto her steering wheel like her life depended on it.
Ha, pun not intended until I realized how true it was. So yes, pun intended.
"Wait," Hiram slowly said, shooting his daughter a puzzled look. "Let me get this straight."
Before Leroy could open his mouth, his husband raised a hand to silence him. "And no gay pun joke. Rachel, are you telling me that you've got me close to an epileptic seizure for nothing?"
"Fake epilectic seizure."
"Whatever," he dismissively said, ignoring his pouting partner. "I was willing to roll on the floor and get dirt all over my two-thousand dollar Hugo Boss suit just to find out now," and he heavily breathed for dramatic effect, "that this," and he pointed around the room, "is all fake."
Rachel looked up from her phone, blinking twice. "That's right. You weren't honestly thinking that I would get married in this pathetic excuse of a dress with this pathetic excuse of a man in this pathetic excuse of a chapel at such a pathetic excuse of a place like Lima -"
"I wanna try that jawbreaker, too!" Brittany happily said and Santana gently 'shh'ed her. "It's getting good."
"I don't get it," Finn said in hurt.
"Tell me something new," Rachel snarled before she typed a new message on her phone. "Quinn...Fabray...don't...make...me...prepare handcuffs for tonight. Send. So, that'll make her come faster. Hah, another pun."
"But...but why set up a wedding?" Leroy said from his corner. "Don't you know how much effort that is? Why couldn't you just have told her?"
"Are you freaking kidding me?" Rachel retorted. "That is boring and sad, and such mediocre declerations of love don't exist in my world."
"But...isn't that how I told you I loved you? By just telling you?" Finn asked, scratching his neck in confusion.
"Yeah, and you're boring and sad, and you don't exist in my world. So that's okay."
She went back to typing Quinn another threat message which contained mature themes.
Finn looked like a zombie who wouldn't poop.
"Hold on," Santana suddenly spoke up. "So Berry got us all wearing these hideous dresses for nothing?"
"It's not nothing," Rachel hissed. "That's the only way Quinn would confess her undying love for me."
"But why a fucking wedding? Aren't there any other fucking ways to unpress her lemon? That's bullshit," Santana exclaimed. Hiram gasped in indignation and quickly went to his husband to cover his ears, who slapped his hands away.
"She wanted it that way. She already had dozens of chances of telling me her feelings, I can't even count how many times we've met in the bathroom. But she never did, so now it comes to this. An epic declaration of love, a huge build up to this moment."
"Bitch is insane," Santana muttered and Brittany soothingly kissed her cheek.
"She was actually the first one to know about the engagement," Rachel kept saying. "I personally walked to her and told her. Granted, I was kinda hoping that she would confess me her feelings, but instead she said about all that crap about being too young to know what real love is and so on. Bitch knew that what we had was actually real love."
"Too. Much. Drama." Kurt took out a napkin and sobbed into it. Everybody shot him a weird glance. "What? Just wait till she says more."
Hiram still couldn't understand everything. "Sooo...you've been trying to tickle her inner gay out by poking her with your cheap engagement ring and since it didn't work, you wanna make her explode in rainbows by marrying someone else?"
"That's the plan," Rachel confirmed with a satisfied nod. Glad that everyone had caught on.
"Honey, don't you think that setting up a fake wedding is too much effort just to hear three words from Quinn?"
"But it only makes sense this way," Rachel retorted. "She's been bullying me for years. We've been slaves of unresolved sexual tension for years. We've been in love for years, and consider this all as foreplay and the only way to do it justice is to burst into the chapel and interrupt my marriage ceremony and shout from the top of her lungs -"
"DON'T MARRY HIM! I LOVE YOU, RACHEL BERRY, I LOVE YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL!"
The doors were taken off their hinges, revealing a heavily panting Quinn Fabray who ran into the room.
"Wait – am I early?"
The blonde blushed and scratched her neck. "Well, uh, I'll just,you know, go back and everybody forget that I was here. I'll burst in when the ceremony actually starts."
"No, wait!" Rachel dramatically shouted and she carelessly threw her phone behind her, hitting her soon to be ex-fiancé on his large forehead.
"I'll go with you and we'll drive off into the sunset while laughing about my stupid engagement and listening to happy love songs!"
And she took off her engagement ring and threw it behind her as well, hitting Finn in the eye with it as he was still crouched and whining about his hurting forehead.
"Let's go! Let's not wait any longer! Three years of unresolved sexual tension, cut scenes and heavy undertones, I can't take it anymore! Let's make Fababies already!"
And Rachel jumped into Quinn's awaiting arms. The blonde dashed out of the chapel into her beetle, carrying her soon-to-be wife bridal style.
"Fababies, huh?" Quinn huskily said.
"Shut up and kiss me."
Meanwhile in the chapel.
Finn rubbed his forehead and his swollen eye. "I still don't get it."
Hiram burst out in tears of joy and engulfed his husband in a tight hug. "Yes, finally I can stop worrying about that douchebag defiling our baby. And maybe I should call S.W.A.T to take back my mission order..."
Santana sighed and turned to Brittany. "Let's get out of these dresses. Wanna do it on the piano in the chapel?"
Both took off to do things which cannot be mentioned in this fic as it is only K+ rated.
Kurt dabbed his nose with the napkin. "The drama was in other Faberry fanfictions better."
Sugar looked at her fingernails. "Dito."
Mercedes stood up and huffed. "Hope they have some good tater tots here." And she walked off.
Puck flexed his arms in front of a woman who was about to get married.
Mike danced on his own.
Finn still looked constipated.
Tina sighed. "Still no lines."
Hope you feel better now :D