|Ode to Hipster: Arcenciel
Author: Yunaman PM
Hank Hill, I.M Meen, Brian Griffin, Solid Snake and Finn become hipsters and go on a vacation to France. Will France be able to contain all of their newly acquired hipsterism.Rated: Fiction T - English - Adventure - Words: 2,652 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 03-02-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7888729
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Sun shone over Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris as a plane, owned by the AMERICA FUCK YEAH! flight company was about to land. The plane landed and the front door of the airport opened, welcoming the passengers.
Among them were 5 individuals: Hank Hill, I.M Meen, Brian Griffin, Solid Snake and Finn from Adventure Time. They were all walking around the airport in their new clothes. You see, the five had recently become very good friends and had reinvented themselves as hipsters.
Hank Hill was wearing a T-shirt with a band on it so obscure, that most people assume it's something about insurance. He was also wearing a green wooly hat with ''Goldfrapp'' written on it with huge gold letters. His pants were 3/4 thorn shorts with a wooden chain on them and no pockets (because pockets are too mainstream). He wore sandals, of course. He was listening to The Dicklick Brigade's Unce Unce Unce.
I.M Meen was wearing an inverse Simple Plan T-shirt, except all the ban members were replaced with Katawa Shoujo characters reimmagined as female movie stars from the 1920s. The front of his T-shirt was covered in old spaghetti, which concealed a Deadmau5 autograph. He was wearing transparrent fingerless gloves made out of polyethylene. He was wearing mlp g2 hat Berry Bright hat which glowed in the dark.
Unlike Hank, Ignatius' sandals were of the Greco-Roman variety. His pants were 3 metres long and were dragging long after him, concealing his sandals. He was listening to some Progressive Dubstep Metal on his Zune.
Brian Griffin was blasting Drone metal on the speakers which were permenently fused with the outside of his eyes.
He nose was covered with piercings, which diverted attention from his black gothic leather cubic zirconium encrusted Ghouls and Goblins T-shirt. Brian wasn't wearing any pants as they were too mainstream, instead he was wearing boxers with the Norwegian flag on them. His hat was a PVC skater hat worn side-ways, washed in cocoa leaves to give it a nice coffee smell. He was wearing on eblindingly yellow high heels and one black boot used in BDSM roleplay to give that dark and edgy (not mainstream edgy) look on him. He wore orange shades.
Solid Snake on the other hand wearing a old smelly and itchy cotton sweater with ''Delivery Rockz!'' written on it along with the British flag. The sweater was hand-knitted by his grandma. His attire also included 26 centimetre thick glasses, an old mobster hat, Sunflower in his back pocket tied to a runick's cube,
chinese addidas rip-off pants, red scarf, sandals and only one old torn sock.
Finn on the other hand wore a style combination of the traditional hipster and something new. He had an ironic hipster moustache tatooed just above his upper lip, pacifier tied to a zinc necklace, hat with a little umbrella with The Forest & The Trees written on it, pipe in his mouth, dx ball T-shirt,
blue and orange with pink highlights kilt, trainers twice as big as his feet, old school panty hose, scarf and low-rise jeans. He was listening to Tiga's Shoes.
All five of them approached the nearby coffee shop, conviniently placed to quench the passengers' thirst for some caffeine.
''Would you like some cafe?'' The kind french man working at the counter asked.
''Pfft, Mainstream garbage!'' Snale exclaimed and cracked open an old sandwich, which had liquified by this point and engulfed it, trying as hard as possible not to vomit.
All of five of them laughed and left the airport. Since tourists tended to prefer using taxis, the group decided to walk around Paris on foot. Soon they noticed a cafe so small and concealed behing a cherry tree in alley God knows where in Paris and decided to sit there and rest a little. The owner and his daughter's eyes glowed as they saw customers for the first time in six mounths.
''What will you 'ave, messieurs?'' The kind daughter asked politely.
''Crystal Pepsi mixed with baking soda, please.'' Hank ordered (Luckily the cafe was so old that it still had some old bottles of crystal pepsi laying around.)
''I'd like some stale absinth.'' I.M Meen said.
''For me a Sax on the beach with frogs legs in it. And I want Madagascar frogs, GODDAMNIT, not any of those common frogs!'' Brian Griffin imperatively said.
''Un verre a champagne, s'il vous plait!'' Solid said.
''Don't you mean ''verre de champagne''?'' The waitress said puzzled.
''No, I want an empty glass!.''
''Oh, if you say so.''
''If my adventurerness may interject, I'd like some cherry vodka mixed with cockroach intestines and tree bark.'' Finn ordered.
The owner's daughter suddenly wished they didn't have customers. As she went to prepare the drinks, the five started to have a conversation about their hipsterism.
''So what kind of music do you listen right now, guys?'' Hill inquired.
''Drone metal as always, bitch!'' Brain said with a voice full of hipster rage that his new hipster friends listen to new music like mainstream douchebags.
''Currently I'm listening to ''Tu es foutu'' by IN-GRID.'' Finn said.
''HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'' Hank bursted in redneck laughter ''Boy, you ain't right. Traditional african music mixed with insustrial post-funk is where it's at.''
''Don't make me laugh! If you don't listen to Transgressive anterior nuclear minstrel jazz anti-punk, you're a mainstream casual.'' Snake exclaimed in the middle of the conversation.
''Except, you are wrong Solid. Antique Progressive Post- Naturalistic House Swing with Drum n base and Electro Funk elements is the best music.'' Ignatius said in rsponse to Snake's words.
''Refridgerator sounds FTW!'' Brain yelled.
Finn then elongated his freakishly long arms and slapped the rest on the head. ''Calm down he said. We're supposed to be friends. Now let's talk about something else. Like religion for example. I'm a buddhist for example.''
''A lot of posers have converted to Buddhism these days. I'm a norse paganist. IN THE NAME OF THOR!''
Brian said and impailed a nearby cat.
''I can't believe Peggy got me into Christianity. That's like the most mainstream religion. I'm into Voodoo.'' Hank said.
''Scientologist here.'' I.M Meen said.
''Seriously?'' Finn said as he and the rest looked at Meen with grim/disaponited faces.
''Oh, no! I made my own cult version of Scientology. I worship Lord Xenu's second son Yemu.''
''I guess it's cool then.''
''I can't believe you guys have only one religion.'' Snake said. ''You have to mix religions to get which one you get. It's called Syncretism. My religion is the Ancient Greek one mixed with Judaism, Hinduism,
Aborigines beliefs and Shintoism. It's perfect for me.''
The converation was quite heated as the waitress gave everyone their drinks and Snake his empty glass.
''Anything new with you gentlemen?'' Finn asked.
''I divorced Peggy and left her with Bobby. Since the judge was a hipster too with similar tastes like me,
she has to pay me child support. Too bad the judge is a poser copycat wanabee hipster so I had to change my tastes for the third time this week. I quit my job as a propane salesman and became a hexane salesman.
Much more obscure than propane. Also, I think of moving here to France. America's too mainstream.''
''I agree with America being too mainstream, but don't you think France is mainstream too. I'll move to Denmark. That's obscure enough for me.'' Brian said.
''I prefer eastern Europe. It's obscure enough without being a third world shithole.'' Ignatius said.
''Ditto.'' Finn said.
''When I said Eastern Europe, I obvously menat South Africa.'' Meen replied.
''I'd rather stay in America. Leaving your country for another is too mianstream.'' Snake said. ''Anyway favorite cartoon? Mine's Bartok the Magnificent. I only watch it ironically of course.''
''G2 MLP.'' Meen said.
''The Roman Holidays'' Finn said.
''Animation is too mainstream.'' Hank said.
''Boku n- I m-mean Planet Sketch. Yeah, that's what I meant!'' Brian said.
After an hour or so they ended their conversation and it was time to leave.
''Zat would be 675.95 euro! You ordered some obscure shit and zat's gonna cost you.''
''Hah! She actually thinks we're gonna pay. Paying is too mainstream.'' Snake said and stabbed her knee. (The back is too mainstream.)
''I'll call ze police!'' But before she could reach for her phone the five were long gone.
SOME TIME LATER
Hank, Ignatius, Brian, Snake and Finn arrived at Eiffel tower. They cut in line, because waiting was too mainstream and suddenly faced a dilema. Climb the stair or ride the elevator.
''Fuck. What should we do?'' Hank asked.
''Isn't it obvious? Elevator is too mainstream and easy mode baby bullshit. So we climb the stairs.''
And so they climbed the stairs. All 1710 steps to the summit (They have VIP passes.) They arrived tired as hell. Snake almost vomited his lungs.
''Nice idea, Meen.'' He said barely breathing.
''Yeah, good one.'' Finn reiterated.
After they rested a little they saw a young french couple holding hands and looking at the sunset as they lined on the edge of eiffel tower. Brian moved next to them and started staring.
''Excusez-moi!'' The female said.
''Hey, baby why don't you lose the mainstream poser and go with an actual hipster.'' Brian said while making a bow-chicka-wow-wow noise with his mandibula and tongue. Her boyfriend was beginimg to become angry.
Snake then moved in and pushed the girl off the tower. She fell splatering blood and guts all over the shocked bystanders.
''You know, gravity is too mainstream. If she were a hipster too, she would have survived this.''
Solid said with a smartass grin and psycho-boner.
''WHAT THE FUCK! I'LL KILL YOU BASTTARDS!'' The boyfriend yell, but Snake triped him with a cardboard box and he too fell to his death, but instead he fell on a ship on the Seine, but the ship exploded eradicating every trace of his corpse.
''Gentlemen, we leave!'' Finn said and took out a miniture airbaloon (helicopters are too mainstrram.)
and they got on it and fled the Eiffel tower
The five arrived at Versailles. They walked around the majestic castle as the tour guide explained every detail about Le Roi Soleil. The five were unimpressed. Brian raised his hand and interupted the yourguide lady.
''You 'ave a question? Please ask away.''
''So is this Louis guy a redditor or something? I mean, he has Le in his name. Reddit is too mainstream.
9gag is where it's at. Plus he only has mainstream poser shit. Being a king, you'd think he'd have some obscure unique items nobody knows about.''
''But 'e does 'ave obscure items. Regardez zis pure gold, diamond, ruby, sapphire and 'elium encrusted and plated in blue leopard skin. It's only been used by 'im and no one knows about it 'cept me. It's very obscure.''
''Pfft. Mainstream as hit. It's no pure sterofoam cup with Lenin on it.'' Brian exclaimed.
''I warn you. We will throw you out of 'ere if you keep making fun of Versailles.'' The tour guide said.
''What are you gonna do, bitch?"' Finn said and bit her ankle.
''AHHHH! 'ELP! 'ELP!'' She cried as finn gnawed trough her foot completely. Everyone started running and screaming. The group went completely insane and strted chasing and trying to kill anything. They smashed priceless items and pissed all over the flowers. Truly sanity was too mainstream for them.
At this time the police arrived. The several police officers took out their gun and pointed them at the five.
'' 'ands where I can see zem!'' The officer of the law ordered.
Meen looked at him like the devil himself for a moment, and tackled the guy beating him to a pulp with Writewell's book. The rest jumped in too, killing the rest of policemen with what bthey had.
Hank poured propane over them and lit them on fire, Finn kept bitting, Snake stabbed people and Brian exploded their ear drums with drone metal.
Suddenly the statue of Poseidon came to life and its face was filled with anger.
''STAND STILL IN FRONT OF POSEIDON, HIPSTERS! YOY HAVE FUCKED ENOUGH WITH FRANCE AND EVERYTHING! YOUR HIPSTERNESS MUST BE ENDED!'' Poseidon yelled and summoned a giant torrent of water to drown them.
The torrent was enormous. It engulfed the entirety of Versailles seemingly killing everybody. It was so big that it suck half of northern France and parts of Belguim. When the water level fell all that was left was Poseidon sitting atop his fountain. ''IT IS DONE!'' He said.
But suddenly out of the water Hank Hill, I.M Meen, Brian Griffin, Solid Snake and Finn the human emerged ou of the water shocking Poseidon to the core as if his Brother Zeus had using a joy buzzer on him.
''BUT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!''
''You underestimate the power of hipsterism, old man!'' Finn said diabolically.
''Now die! !'' Hank said and yelled exploding kamikaze style into a huge tornado of propane which engulfed Poseidon.
Snake then took a zippo lighter, which he had concealed iside his jejunum and lit the tornado, giving Poseidon 7th degree burns.
''Argghhjh!'' Poseidon yelled as he was being burned, desperately trying to summon water to save himself from the fire, but to no avail.
Finn then bit off poseidon's tail and loaded it into a bazooka and shot it back at him. Poseidon fell backwards and destroyed the remains of the Eiffel tower. There I.M Meen and Gnoris fused together into super syan 3 and punched Poseidon so hard that he flew and hit Moon, making a crater the size of Las Vegas.
Brian then howled to the moon to Thor wo used his magic hammer. Thor then punched through the moon with his hammer and sent Poseidon flying downwards into the French sea. The destroyed moon created huge tidal waves, which reached space and gravity formed them into a new watery spherical moon.
Thor then used the rest of his magical powers to revive Hank Hill. Poseidon layed there paralyzed and unable to move.
''Give up, old man! Hipsters will inherit the earth.'' Finn said evily.
''Well, then you leave us no choice!'' All five of them said and they united all of their energy into one microscopic point, which started glowing blood red and formed a small ball of pure energy.
''HIPSTER BEAM!'' They yelled and fired at Poseidon the energy of an entire universe...
The explosion was so great and vast that it even destroyed the very atoms, quarks and strings (providing string theory is correct, of course.) of his body. Nothing was left of him, his very essence, soul,
body and the memory of him. The earth was left scorched and much of it was destroyed, billions killed.
However, all was not bad. The death of Poseidon released a huge amount of magic. Magic had once again returned to Earth. Earth was back to the days of old. The magic reformed much of the land, returning forests, rivers and mountains. Finn awaked battered and bruised in a huge crater near a forest. The massive explosion had turned his shirt into a blue featureless shirt.
''Guys, where are you? Guys?'' Finn yelled desperately. But no one answered. They were all dead.
''Oh, Well Guess I'll go and adventure!'' He said happily.
And that's how the Adventure Time world was created.