|The Headless Horseman and the Uncut Head
Author: TheTrueBlackStar PM
Hi, my name is Phil! Yes, this guy never let the Headless Horsman cut his head off. Why? See for yourself.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,800 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 03-03-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7891299
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Headless Horseman and the Uncut Head
Ah, the night. Darkness was flowing beyond the Hallow. It was the perfect night for a kill. At the same time, I had to wait. It just wasn't dark enough yet. While I was waiting, bored out of my blown up mind, I saw my target. It was a man and his two daughters.
"Daddy, what's the Headless Horseman?" asked the first girl. The man smiled and let out a little giggle before he answered. His loud southern voice blasted, "Well, the Headless Horeman was an idiot on a horse who got his head blown off."
How dare he? Does he not know of the hard times of my day? I'll show him a thing or two! The darkness fell deeper and now was the perfect time. I raised my sword in the air and charged down the hill from the churchyard.
"Come on, girls." said the man as he forced his daughters into the house. "Yes, kiss your girls good night." I thought out loud. "It will be the last thing you do." I and my horse charged to the house and I gave my sword a good swing.
What? How could I miss him? I looked around for my victim. He was nowhere to be found. Was I too late? I didn't see him enter the house. I shrugged my shoulders. "Oh, well, I'll get him tomorrow night." I thought to myself. I turned my horse around to find another head to take. There I saw him, my target, standing behind me, completely fearless.
"May I help you?" asked the man with his strong southern accent. "What the...? Hey! Fear me! I'm going to chop off your head!" I screamed, pointing my sword at him. The man laughed. "I thought that was you, Headless. How you doing?" He raised his hand to me and flashed a big smile. "I'm Philly J. Billson. You can call me P.H.I.L." I slapped his hand away. I raised my sword in air as a symbol of my future murder. As my horse marched forward, it started to run to something. I was thrown off guard.
I put myself together and looked to see what my horse was up to. I heard a crunching sound. My horse was eating an apple! "I just figured the poor thing was hungry." said Phil from behind me. "I'd do the same for you but...well...you know." Phil pointed to his head, referring to me. I grew furious. "I demand you to quit mocking me!"
"Aw, Headless, don't be that way." whined Phil with his big white smile showing. "Fine! The horse can eat! I'll handle you myself!" I claimed as I hopped off my horse and chased after the man. I corned him against a tree and lounged my sword forward but suddenly stopped when Phil pointed to the sky.
"Look! The darkness is leaving!" he sang. "You're lying!" I disagreed. I looked up and saw for myself that dawn was coming near. I had to get to the churchyard and fast. I hopped on my horse, who was now finished with the said apple, and left as soon as possible, leaving the the smiling southern man, now known as Phil.
Now, you're probably wondering what's so important at the churchyard. Well, we ghosts used to be able to roam the earth but, then came bounty hunters and crap so we decided to hang out at our dying locations during the day. My dying location is the churchyard. That's where that stupid cannonball hit me. I'm not the only one who died there though. A couple of buddies I leared to love was there too. They knew the whole head-chopping buisness and I thought I'd tell them about Phil, but that's only because we tell each other everything.
I went into my own little entrance that led to the our underground hideout. Yes, it was a bar. Filled with ghosts like me, always plotting their nights over a glass of rum, beer or wine. Good thing I didn't have a head on me. I could only imagine what it smelled like. Most of us had horses to ride so there was a section to park them. I let my horse go in that section and took a seat next to Vocal and Audio Mime.
"HEADLESS!" yelled Vocal. He was shot in the neck at the churchyard, so all he can do to talk is yell. Hilarious when he sings. "HI, HEADLESS! HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?" he asked. "Eh...so so." I responded, sitting down in our ghouly underground bar. "Oh? We never hear 'so so' in your status." said Audio Mime. Yes, a mime that talks. Isn't it weird? He came across a dude that had a phobia of mimes. He got so scared that he stabbed him with a pocket knife. Strange thing to happen at a churchyard.
Vocal wore a brown coat with dark brown pants. His face was messed from falling face first into the ground on his dying day and there was a hole in his throat. His long black hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Audio Mime...well, he was obviously dressed as a mime, only except he didn't have any face paint. He didn't need it. We was pale as the ghost he was, even when he was alive, scaring little children to death with his mind-bobbing tricks.
"HEY, AUDIO HAS A POINT! IT'S UNLIKEY FOR YOU TO BE IN A BAD MOOD AFTER CHOPPING SOME RANDOM GUY'S HEAD OFF!" Vocal agreed. "Well, that's the thing. I didn't cut anybody's head off." I sighed. "Whoa. Please tell me you didn't say that." said Audio Mime, covering his ears. He always had some kind of movement to his words. "HOW DIDN'T YOU CUT ANYBODY'S HEAD OFF?" asked Vocal. I forgot. He's the one you can't tell secrets to. He's hard enough to talk to that explosive voice of his, but then have him tell all your secrets with it? It's too much. I walked to a random corner with Audio.
"Sorry about that, Headless. I should've but in." Audio apoigized, making a sad face and wiping his eyes. I knew it was just another one of his motives. "It's not your falt. I should've known better." I cleared. "There was a man, his name was Phil. I tried to cut his head off today and well...he outsmarted me!" Audio's eyes widened. "You? Outsmarted?" He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Listen, I need you to go to...The Shack." I whispered. Audio gasped. He pulled me to the back of the hideout where it was all dirt again.
"How can a talking mime enter somewhere as dangerous as...The Shack?" he asked, making some more of his motives. "It's easy. I'll help you. Just go back to being a little mute mime like you used to be." I directed. "No. I can't. It's too complicated."
"Come on! I don't have a head! It would be way harder for me to enter than it will for you!"
"You have a point, Headless. Well, why do you want me to go The Shack?"
"I need you to get me a pumpkin head."
"You always have a pumpkin head on you! Why do yo need me to get it now?And why is it that you have to go all the way to The Shack to get them?"
"No, I never get my heads from The Shack. The new and improved pumpkins are down there. I alway steal my heads from the churchyard surface and fill it with dynamite. The Shack, however...the pumpkins are pure metal. I won't even need the dynamite. You have to get it because you're least likely to steal a hard metal pumpkin from there." Audio shrugged.
"Okay. I'll be Mute Mime for my mission." We walked back into the bar and seen that Vocal and the others were overall drunk. "Aw, we didn't get to join." joked Audio. I just shrugged. "It's not like we could join them, Audio." I responded.
"One by one we hit the dust,
We kick the bucket and begin to rust!
Give up the ghost when your number's up!
We all fall down!" they sang, swinging their drinks and hugging each other, getting it all over the place.
"Ashes to ashes,
bones to paste,
You'll wither away in your resting place!
Eternity in a wooden case,
we all fall down!" they finished, actually falling down. Me and Audio laughed at the sight of them falling into a pool of beer and rum. "Don't worry, Headless, I will get the pumpkin for you." said Audio, patting my shoulder. "Thanks."
That night, I went after the man again. Audio hadn't gotten the pumpkin yet, but I couldn't wait. If I had succeeded, I decided I'd tell him nevermind. Phil was sitting under an apple tree. My horse had a mussle on, so it wasn't gonna fall for that again. Phil turned his head toward me. "Headless! It's good to see you!" his strong southern voice boomed. "It won't be when I'm through with you!" I threw back, charging down the hill with my pumpkin head in hand.
"Here, Headless, have an apple!" laughed Phil, holding up an apple with a big smile on his face. As I got closer to him, I felt myself tipping over. There was a huge crash. When the sudden smoke cleared, I couldn't find my pumpkin head, or my horse for that matter, nor could I find Phil. I was alone. I slowly got up and brushed myself off. I should've waited for Audio.
As I started to walk away, I heard loud laughter from behind. "That is some head you got there, Headless." laughed Phil as he walked up to me with a piece of pumpkin in his hand. "Sorry about your horsey. I tripped her and she blew up. I figured it was your head." he explained, eating the seeds out of the piece of pumpkin.
"You shall die!" I hollarded, pointing my finger at him. "You know, you're running out of moonlight again, Headless." Phil pointed out. I looked up. Dawn was coming again. So walked away to the churchyard and explained everthing to Audio Mime.
"You idiot! Why didn't you wait for me?" asked Audio, shaking his fists at me. "I'm sorry. I thought I'd be able to take him on this time." I responded. "Don't you know how hard it is to get into The Shack? I almost got caught!" snapped Audio, grasping himself, reffering to the 'almost got caught' part. "I'm sorry! I'll go with you this time." I suggested. "Great. You need experience. Wait, what do you plan to do with this pumpkin?"
"I'm using it on Phil and after he killed my horse, he deserves it even more."
That night, me and Audio went to The Shack to get a good metal pumpkin head. The Shack is an old ship kept by the one and only Death himself. However, Death doesn't stay there all the time. Raven keeps it during his absence. We were lucky. That's excactly what he was doing. We made our way to the poop deck. That's where the pumpkins were being held. Audio used one of his tricks to "box" it up and we were on our way out. An easy entrance and escape, only except for the part when we felt feathers against our backs.
It was Raven. "Headless? Audio? What are you doing here?" he asked. Raven had black hair and a black jacket made of feathers, which helped him to fly with a gray shirt under it. His pants were black too. "Um...we were just walking by to say hi." Audio whimpered. "What are you doing with Death's pumpkin?" asked Raven. "I ran out of my own." I blurted. "Do you have any idea what Death would do to me if I let you get away with this?"
"Yes. He would do something containing blood and gore to cause your death." Audio answered. "Excactly! Give the pumpkin back!" Raven commanded. "No, you don't understand. I haven't cut anybody's head of for three-four nights now and it's all because of this man named Philly J. Billson. I need a gorey death for him." I explained. Raven sighed and flew to the top of the ship.
"Let me call up Death and we'll see what he says." he suggested. He crowed in the air, raising his wings. The wind blew with ravens following, and there he was, Death, the Grimm Reaper.
We couldn't hear the conversation, and Audio couldn't read their lips, because they weren't showing. Death handed Raven a book and left without a trace. Raven took a look in the book and looked up at us with a smirk on his face. "You idiot. Give me my pumpkin back." he laughed. "What? Why?" I asked, wondering what he saw in the book. "You have nothing to do with Phil's death. His head getting cut off isn't his fate." Raven explained. "So? I'll change his fate!" I snapped. "Are you Death? Are you God? You can't change fate, especially this one." Raven remarked. "Whatever! I don't need you stupid pumpkin anyway!" I snapped, throwing the pumpkin on the floor and sinking the ship.
"No! Don't sink the ship!" Raven cried as me and Audio jumped over board as fast as we could. "Aw, Death's gonna kill me!" was the last thing we heard Raven say. I sure hoped it was gonna be Death that was going to kill him and not me.
"We didn't get the pumpkin, Headless. What do we do?" asked Audio, shrugging his shoulders. "You and Vocal are gonna help me corner Phil and take him out." Audio nodded. "Sounds like fun. We better tell Vocal." he agreed.
The very next night, we dicussed what we were to do and went straight for Phil. This time he was with his daugthers, playing guitar.
"Oh, don't lose your head,
you'll wind up dead.
Oh, don't lose your head,
like the the Headless Horseman!" he sang, bobbing his head and making his girls laugh. "Alright! I've had enough of this nonsense!" I screamed, running down the hill to Phil. Audio and Vocal followed. "Uh oh, there goes my friend. You two better get going to bed." said Phil, pushing his daughters in the house again. He smiled and happily waved at me.
"Hi, Headless!" he cheered. I didn't respond. I was too focused on his head. Audio and Vocal didn't respond either. We charged down the hill and surrounded Phil, leaving him nowhere to go.
"Now, for mocking me..." I started.
"...killing his horse..." Audio continued.
"...AND MAKING UP THAT SONG..." Vocal added.
"...YOU WILL DIE!" we all finished. Phil looked at us and started laughing again. "Alright. Go ahead. Make your move." he gave up. I held up my sword, Audio held up something imaginary and Vocal opened his mouth really wide. We all attacked at once. There was dust from the dirt all over. When it cleared, we still saw Phil, just standing there, smiling as usual.
"How didn't you die?" I asked angrily, throwing my sword on the ground. A raven flew down and landed on my shoulder. It formed into a man. Raven. Thank God I didn't kill him. "You idiot! Phil is already dead!" he laughed. Audio threw his hands in the air and rolled his eyes. "You know what, Headless, I am threw with you!" he snapped, marching back to the churchyard. Vocal followed.
"That's what I meant by you not having anything to do with his fate. He met his fate already." Raven explained. "Then, how did he die? What's his death name?" I asked. "P.H.I.L: Philly History In Laughing." Phil answered. "I don't get it." I whined. "I died laughing." Phil explained. "What? Can this get any cornier? I'm going home!"
And that's the story about me and the uncut head. Turns out that he was a ghost himself. I will never fall for that again.