|Her Buckets Are The Lucifer
Author: k13aquamarine PM
SHINee guest stars on the weirdest variety show they've ever attended. The Alternian trolls are perplexed by their intrusion on their meteor. Shenanigans and sloppy makeouts ensue.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 8,002 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 03-07-12 - Status: Complete - id: 7904092
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It wasn't like they weren't used to being away from home, but when their manager told them they would be travelling for their promotions, the five young members of SHINee didn't expect to be going this far from Korea.
Or Earth, for that matter.
They could only venture a guess as to their current location, and to be frank, it wasn't much. A hunk of rock hurtling through space, a few slabs of metal forming a pretty stark excuse for a building, and a strangely ominous air about the place. Not the most luxurious hideout, but they were here because SM Entertainment told them to be here. No idol disobeyed Soo Man (or as he was unofficially called by nobody who didn't want to face his legal wrath, "Sue Man"), and SHINee was only a rookie group. Despite their popularity now, if they ever went against his will, he could eliminate their careers with a swipe of his pen.
They stood outside, shivering and sighing. "This can't be it," Key complained loudly.
"Let's just go," Onew reassured them. He tried his best to be the strong leader, to motivate them and keep them working together. Often, though, they didn't take him seriously, but they went along with him out of pity or because none of them wanted to be a leader and would find it tiring to suggest anything else. So they followed him into the cold and dark metal slabs.
The Shawols who met them inside didn't look or behave like most Shawols they had encountered. They certainly dressed differently. They had gray skin and these silly-looking horns on their heads. They also didn't scream and flock to the idol group the moment they saw them, nor did they burst into tears or pull out their cutely-charmed cell phones to take pictures and fancams. Instead, they acted rather indifferent to SHINee, apart from some confused and dumbfounded stares thrown their way, and they generally kept their distance. Come to think of it, the SHINee members began to suspect that these people weren't Shawols at all!
"Annyeonghassaeyo! We are Shining SHINee!" All the members except Taemin, who was oblivious to the situation and did their usual greeting to the people on his own. He noticed the tension immediately after this mistake, however, and hid his face in Minho's arm to conceal the blush on his face.
An extremely long and awkward silence followed.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" said a particularly unpleasant looking fan, his gray nose wrinkled in an expression of disgust.
The Korean contemporary group bowed in reaction. "Annyeonghassaeyo! We are Shining SHINee!" they recited in unison. After finally making a proper (and called for—Taemin) introduction, SHINee began asking questions as to the nature of this production. Is it a hidden camera show? Do they have missions to complete? They're not back for another round of Hello Baby, are they? Should they start the corner where they show off their talents to attract a partner? They were used to being thrown into variety programs without being told about it beforehand, so they might as well cut to the chase and start the program off efficiently.
"WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP," said the same unpleasant guy from before. "WHY ARE ALL HUMANS SO MIND-NUMBINGLY ANNOYING?" He began massaging his stubby horns, an extremely pained look on his face.
"J33Z, K4RKL3S. C4LM TH4T R4G1NG SOR3 NUB OF YOURS. 1 FOR ON3 TH1NK TH3Y'R3 4DOR4BL3! 3SP3C14LLY TH3S3 HUM4NS! TH3Y 4LL SM3LL R34LLY FRU1TY. 3XC3PT FOR TH4T HUM4N ON THE 3ND. H3 K1ND OF SM3LLS L1K3 CH1CK3N."
"Wae, wae? What do you mean, us humans?" Minho cut in. "You mean you're not human?"
The girl with the pointy horns and bright red glasses grinned widely, displaying all of her pointed teeth. "OF COURS3 NOT, MOCH4 L4TT3! W3'R3 TROLLS. D1DN'T YOU KNOW?"
SHINee collectively shook their heads, dumbfounded. "We normally just do what the staff tells us," Taemin admitted.
That earned a shrill laugh from the girl (troll), and she walked right up to them and inhaled deeply. They all instinctively leaned away. She stopped right in front of Jonghyun's face. They could almost see eye to eye. At least, Jonghyun assumed they could have if she could actually see, and he suspected there was a possibility that she couldn't.
"1 L1K3 TH3 SHORT P1N34PPL3 ON3!" she announced. Jonghyun's dignity dropped a notch at the words. "M4Y 1 L1CK YOUR F4C3?" she politely inquired.
Red flags went up in his head. He hoped she wasn't a sassaeng fan. He hoped to Sheesus that she wasn't.
"MY N4M3 IS T3R3Z1, 1F 1T 4FF3CTS YOUR D3C1S1ON," she offered.
He supposed it did.
"That's fine," he nodded, and earned himself a wet, slobbery face-lick from the troll girl Terezi. And surprisingly, it wasn't quite as repulsive as he expected it would be.
The other members were a bit taken aback though.
"Augh!" Key exclaimed. "I can't believe you let her do that!" He pushed Jonghyun's shoulder and stalked off deeper into the building.
Jonghyun would have been slightly remorseful if he wasn't rather preoccupied at the time. His competitive spirit had surfaced, and he was currently deliberating who between Terezi and himself had a larger tongue. Winner got to lick the other's face. No one around them was interested in judging for them (not wanting to have to witness the reward), so as of yet a clear winner had not been chosen, and the two troublemakers bickered over it.
Eridan stormed through the chambers of the lab, not caring who noticed (but secretly caring too much). How many rejections did he have to suffer before he could just drop dead from shame already? He even made a move on that short weird cat girl who likes shippin things! Seriously, cod! What did everyone else in the world have that he didn't!
And then he saw it. The most captivating and mysterious creature he ever laid eyes on. What this creature was doing storming through the lab as well never even crossed Eridan's mind. But he knew, just then, that this must be what he's missing.
How would he go about courting such an enigma? Something so beautiful, an event with so much significance, would have to be handled with subtlety and class. He couldn't just waltz up to his missing piece and hit on him like any other potential bucket filler (Did he say bucket? He meant quadrant!). No, a little more effort would have to be shown.
I mean, a tango, at least! Something with pizzazz!
"Excuse me!" Eridan called out. Good, he caught his attention. Okay Eridan, he thought to himself. Think suave. "I believve I'vve nevver seen you around here before. Might I just say that nofin has evver shined quite as brightly as you? You're like a blessin to behold in this dark and shadowwy laboratory." The other smiled slightly at the compliment. Infused with more confidence, Eridan pushed forward. "Your exotic appearance calls forth that of the elegant and wwild Alternian fightin fish!"
The object of his affections furrowed his eyebrows slightly in confusion as he looked Eridan over—from his pointed teeth to his slanted eyes to his gills and facial fins. "You look like a…" he began. "You look like a…" He couldn't seem to put his finger on it.
"Intimidatin shark?" Eridan offered. The human shook his head. "Sleek and sporty swwordfish?"
"Oh, uh, howw bout a majestic sea horse?"
Another shaking of the head. "A lee-zard," he finally said.
"Wwhat?" What was a leezard?
"Lee-zard," he repeated, laughing.
"I—do you mean to say…I look like a lizard?" Seriously? Reptiles? Did he not get the aquatic theme here?
Eridan sighed. This guy didn't take him seriously either! The troll just stood there, a little put off, as his Alternian fighting fish walked away, probably wandering off to find someone more interesting than him so they could fall in some quadrant together and have sloppy makeouts.
But that was just a first impression, he thought. He couldn't just give up after the first try! He never gave up on any kinda romance after just one try!
No, mark his words, this person would be his matesprit if it was the last thing he ever did!
Welp, this was boring. Jonghyun was being immature with his new best friend, Key had stalked off in a huff, and Minho wasn't gonna wait around for something interesting to happen. He left the remainder of his group in search of someone who could provide some amusement for him.
There wasn't much to do in this place. The walls were bare, there was almost no furniture of any kind, and the only objects he could find were in chests for some reason and they were mostly useless. What did he want with a stack of towels anyway!
Minho had a lot of energy from the hype of promotions that he needed to burn off, so he just started running and jumping throughout several chambers, looking cool as he did various tricks like the Dream Team ace he was. But a leap from a platform that was in the middle of the room did less to propel him into the air and more to propel him into a different area of the building entirely! This room was full of screens and keyboards, as well as a bunch of other junk, most notably a pile of clown horns, which was perplexing.
"What just happened?" he asked no one in particular.
The pile of horns shifted and let out a few stray honks. "W)(o is t)(ere?" asked a high-pitched voice. Another one of those trolls emerged from it, and she had long flowing hair and accessorized quite well in Minho's opinion. He had to admit, she was quite pretty. She was followed by someone else, a guy with 3D glasses. That was quite a bold accessory as well, Minho thought. He could respect that.
"My name is Minho," he announced, charisma flaring up. The girl's eyes sparkled as she smiled at him, almost admiringly.
Yeah, he tended to have that affect on girls.
The guy seemed pretty aloof though, and scoffed a bit when his girlfriend (Minho guessed) giggled in delight.
"It's reelly nice to meet you!" she replied. "T)(is is Sollux, and my name is Feferi. Sollux, say )(i!"
The guy troll, Sollux, leaned into the horn pile, aloof, and muttered a "2up."
Minho was a little surprised that this guy was unreceptive to his charms. It intrigued him a little bit, and being the achiever and ace that people revered him as, he kind of wanted to rise to the challenge.
Feferi was already hanging on him like any other fangirl, much to the apparent chagrin of this Sollux character. Minho ignored the girl who had wrapped herself around his arm and regarded the other troll with his double-lidded eyes narrowed in curiosity. He could get fifty girls at once without even trying, but Minho was always bored at the prospect. He liked the pursuit, it was the challenge of earning someone's interest that excited him, and he could never find that excitement around girls who all threw themselves at him anyway.
They didn't call him the hyung whore for nothing.
"2eriiously, Fef? Don't tell me you're ju2t gonna dump me for thii2 toolbag," Sollux griped. Minho admitted, that was kind of a blow to the ego, but he figured this guy was just being jealous.
"Don't be so koi, Sollux!" Feferi retorted from her perch on Minho's arm. "I still t)(ink you're the best matesprit ever! Besides, we bot)( know about your 'dual tastes.'" She shot her boyfriend a cutesy, tongue-out smile and Minho noticed his face darken.
The idol's eyebrow quirked at this and he scrutinized Sollux even more closely. "Dual tastes?" he repeated.
Sollux' face turned a darker gold and he scoffed, but his girlfriend jumped in before he could make a remark. "Come on!" she said. "It could be a w)(ale of a time! I know you espeshelly )(ave alwaves wanted to try it!"
"Try what?" Minho interrupted, unsure if he liked that they were discussing an opportunity that involved his sudden unexpected presence.
"2orry, Fef!" Sollux snapped, completely ignoring Minho. "II'm really not iintere2ted." The troll turned away from them and began to stalk off.
And yet, Minho's heart sank at the thought.
Did that deter him? Not a bit. He just wanted to win over Sollux even more now.
"I'll have you know," he informed the object of his sudden interest, "once I've set my sights on someone, they've never been able to resist me for long."
Sollux froze. Minho smirked. Feferi giggled.
A challenge had been presented. A battle of wills that Minho was sure to win.
Man, this place was dying. No one wanted to lend a motherfucker an ear anymore or just sit and chat about the miraculous messiahs or indulge in some elixir. They all thought he was just some menial motherfucking horn fondler and all just stopped motherfucking up and listening to him. He needed some new ears. Some young motherfucking mind to fill with the stories about the motherfucking miracles. He needed to spread the word to someone who would at least try to up and motherfucking listen to him instead of just brushing off a motherfucker like he didn't have something miraculous to say. Motherfuckers just didn't care about the miracles anymore. It was a motherfucking shame.
Gamzee found himself in the main entrance of the lab. That's just how a motherfucker got around. He didn't walk places, he just kinda motherfucking all and drifted in and outta places until he found himself somewhere. He didn't question it though. Just part of the motherfucking miracles. A motherfucker was always just where he needed to up and motherfucking be.
Gamzee found himself in the main entrance of the lab and thought he noticed something that he was just thinking about just now. A young motherfucking mind was right over there, all starry eyed and ready to be filled with some absolute truths about the mirthful messiahs, just like what he was just thinking he all up and motherfucking needed.
"HeY bRo," Gamzee said to the new face that just motherfucking appeared before his glazed eyes. "YoU lOoK a LiTtLe LoSt My BrOtHeR."
The kid smiled a little and answered, "I guess so."
"ArEn'T wE aLl A lItTlE lOsT tHoUgH? aIn'T nOtHiNg To Be MoThErFuCkInG aFrAiD oF." Gamzee grinned hazily. "HoW'd A mOtHeRfUcKeR lIkE tO uP aNd CrAcK oPeN a WiCkEd ElIxIr AnD gEt ToGeThEr To BeHoLd AlL tHe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS tHiS uNiVeRsE hAs To OfFeR? wHaT yOu GoT tO sAy FoR tHaT mY bRoThEr?"
A timid nod told Gamzee he had just got himself a motherfucking trip partner. "NaMe'S gAmZeE bY tHe WaY," he offered. "DoN't WaNt A mOtHeRfUcKeR tO bE aLl AwKwArD aRoUnD hIs NeW bRo JuSt CaUsE hE dOeSn'T kNoW hIs MoThErFuCkInG nAmE."
The kid smiled with motherfucking stars sparkling in his eyes like Faygo bubbles sparkling around in a cold bottle of Faygo. "I'm Taemin," he replied, and Gamzee muttered a "RiGhTeOuS" before he found himself and his new bro cracking open some wicked elixir and sharing secrets about the miracles of the universe.
"MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS aLl ArOuNd Us," he sighed. "We DoN'T eVeN nOtIcE wHeN sOmEtHiNg MiRaCuLoUs Is RiGhT uP iN fRoNt Of OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg FaCeS. kNoW wHaT i MeAn BrO?"
Taemin took a sip of his Cotton Candy Faygo. "Most of the time," he admitted, "I don't know when something really obvious is going on. The hyungs tease me all the time for being naïve."
"ThAt AiN't SoMeThInG tO bE mOtHeRfUcKiNg AsHaMeD oF bRo," Gamzee told him. "ThErE's ThInGs ThAt HaPpEn AlL tHe TiMe ThAt We JuSt DoN't SeE. mY bEsT bRo'S aLwAyS tRyInG tO eXpLaIn ShIt To Me, BuT i JuSt ThInK hE hAsN't AcCePtEd JuSt HoW mUcH hE rEaLlY dOeSn'T mOtHeRfUcKiNg KnOw." Gamzee took a swig of his classic Red Pop while Taemin fixed his wide, sparkly, miraculous eyes on him. "ThErE's So MuCh MoThErFuCkInG cHaOs AnD dIsOrDeR iN tHiS uNiVeRsE, sO mAnY mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs ThAt We JuSt DoN't Up AnD uNdErStAnD. i MeAn It'S lIkE, fUcKiNg MaGnEtS, bRo. HoW dO tHeY wOrK?"
They both stared at the ground in deep, contemplative thought, considering the profoundness of that statement.
Why did all of his members keep walking away? Don't they know a group is supposed to stick together? Especially when they don't know what kind of program this is. What if a staff member comes along and explains the situation to them, and Onew's the only one around to hear it? Or worse, what if an anti-fan posing as a staff member finds one of them and gives them a drink or something and it turns out to be laced with super glue and the rest of the members aren't around to help? Onew was flustered. Not because he actually believed any of that was going to happen (he stopped speculating about the nature of this escapade once they broke through the atmosphere and just threw all of his cares and worries out the window, since he was pretty sure he was either dreaming or would be dead soon, and there was just no need to have any of that weighing down on him), but because his members just wandered off without him and he was left there to stand awkwardly and try to be a leader without anyone to lead.
Also he was really freaking hungry!
When was the last time he ate? He couldn't remember, especially since time seemed to get all muddled up at some point. He wasn't sure if it was last week or if he was currently operating outside of time and "last week" happened and is happening and will always happen relative to now.
No one can think that abstractly on an empty stomach! Onew stalked off in search of some food.
He was making his way down a dimly lit hallway, the heels of his stylish boots making commanding sounds on the metal floors that echoed off the walls, when he heard a very soft voice.
":33*ac stares curiously down at the intriguing new visitor. he s33ms to be from fur fur away. she wonders where.* who are you? *she asks him pawlitely.*"
"Who's there?" Onew called, having halted his progression down the hallway.
"I asked you furrst, silly! Oh—I mean, :33*ac answers him with a soft chuckle.*"
Onew was rather confused. He couldn't see where this girl was, but he could hear her just fine, and maybe she knew where food was, so he just went along with her questions.
"I'm SHINee's capable leader, Onew, from Earth."
":33*ac ponders this new infurrmation.* I didn't ask where you were from."
"But you—" Onew's words were cut off when a tiny girl in a big coat dropped down in front of him. When she stood up straight, he noticed a kitty hat on her messy hair, not unlike something he would see everywhere in Seoul.
":33Nepeta Leijon, at your service!" said the tiny girl as she bowed.
"-D Nepeta," interjected a much deeper voice, also from an unseen location. Onew was getting tired of speaking to shadows, but this voice didn't seem to mind since it wasn't even speaking to him. "Don't bow down to filthy commoners. The 100dness of such an act is…sickening."
Nepeta looked sheepish as an overwhelmingly buff troll with long and greasy hair stalked out of the shadows at the end of the hall.
":33*ac smiles apologetically at her moirail.* Aw, but Equius, he isn't a commoner! He said he's a leader! Right?" The cat girl turned back to Onew.
"F-food," was all Onew could say in his increasingly desperate condition.
He noticed the buff guy's eyebrows knit together a little behind his cracked shades.
"-D A leader?" asked the second troll. "This puny e%cuse for a man?"
"Hungry," Onew gasped, beginning to sway. "N-need food."
Equius' breathing became shallow. "-D You require sustenance. Would you like us to…lead you to it?"
Onew nodded vigorously.
"-D Well…I suppose if you need it…is that an order?" the muscular specimen asked him, a light sheen appearing on his brow.
Onew could only gasp. "Yes."
Equius swallowed, noticeably shinier than before. "-D Very well then. Right this way." And he turned to walk back the way he had come, Nepeta skipping gleefully after him and Onew crawling behind.
At the end of the hallway, Onew figured he had died. Once he entered the room beyond the doorway, there was no doubt in his mind that this was Heaven. He couldn't decide whether it was wonderful or a damn shame that Heaven catered so specifically to a single basic need, but he would figure it out after he took care of it. Because right there, in front of his unworthy eyes, was the most beautiful structure he had ever seen.
A pile—no, a mountain!—of the most beautiful thing he could have ever asked for.
"YOU 4R3 W4Y MOR3 FUN TH4N TH3 OTH3R 1D1OTS 4ROUND H3R3. 3SP3C14LLY OUR S3LF-4PPO1NT3D L34D3R," Terezi said loudly, pointedly glaring at that sour puss stick-in-the-mud, Karkat. He made a face that was just so…Karkat, and proceeded to pretend they didn't exist.
The other half of "they" smiled appreciatively. "What do you mean 'other idiots'? Are you saying I'm an idiot too?" Jonghyun teased.
"MOST P3OPL3 4R3, DON'T T4K3 1T TOO P3RSON4LLY," Terezi replied, only half serious.
Jonghyun's wide smile became less so when he breached a more serious topic. "Why do you make fun of your leader so much?" he asked.
Terezi thought for a moment. "W3LL, NON3 OF US R34LLY 4SK3D H1M TO B3 L34D3R, W3 JUST K1ND OF W3NT 4LONG W1TH 1T. H3 1SN'T 4 B4D L34D3R THOUGH. H3'S JUST R34LLY CR4NKY 4LL TH3 T1M3 4ND NOBODY R34LLY T4K3S H1M S3R1OUSLY. 1 M34N HOW C4N YOU T4K3 4 GUY S3R1OUSLY WH3N H3'S 4LW4YS JUST M4K1NG 4 B1G FOOL OF H1MS3LF?"
"Our leader is the same!" Jonghyun said excitedly. "He leads us well enough, but he's always making a fool of himself too, doing body gags and acting weird. He has an unmatched sense of humor that no one else understands. He's just not funny, no matter how hard he tries." The idol grinned deviously. "I named his condition 'Onew-itis,'" he proudly announced.
Terezi cackled and threw her head back. "1 L1K3 YOU, C4NDY P1N34PPL3 JJONG!" Jonghyun blushed at the new nickname. "K4RK4T H4S NO S3NS3 OF HUMOR 4T 4LL. BUT H3'S R34LLY C4UGHT UP 1N H1S ROM-COMS, 4ND H3 K33PS 4RGU1NG W1TH H1MS3LF ON TROLL14N. W3'R3 ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK H3 W4NTS 4 K1SM3S1S W1TH H1MS3LF!"
She laughed hysterically, but Jonghyun's blank expression betrayed how little he understood.
"N3V3RM1ND," Terezi said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him along. "1 H4V3 4 SP3CT4CUL4R 1D34."
The two proceeded to bond in many ways. Terezi introduced Jonghyun to her scalemates, and they conducted a roleplay (in which five scalemates formed a singing idol group, and then three violated their contracts and were convicted and hanged and/or eaten by the high justice of the court). Jonghyun taught Terezi several of their most popular dances, which was difficult given her impairment and her other senses being able to pick up color better than any clear shapes or movement. It was a more hands-on process, and Terezi acted very silly throughout, earning Jonghyun several accidental bruises from her carelessly flailing limbs.
Afterward, they hatched the brilliant plan of pranking everyone else on the meteor. A displaced item here, a subtly placed trip hazard there. The whole place would erupt in chaos!
Or it would have if the two mischief makers weren't caught crouching in the corner and laughing into their hands by Kanaya, who stood over them with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised until they confessed to their "crimes."
Then as they were confessing, Terezi switched sides and prosecuted Jonghyun in front of the High Justice Kanaya and demanded he pay for his crimes by enduring one particularly disgusting face lick.
He pled guilty.
This place was weird. Really interesting, but really weird. Key was still pretty sure that they were on a hidden camera show right now, so he was just wandering around waiting for something to happen that would indicate what they were supposed to do for this show.
There didn't seem to be a lot of people here, but the ones he'd seen all had that same gray skin tone and the funny horns. Was this like a Halloween special or something? It was April, but maybe it wouldn't be aired until October. Or perhaps it was a late April Fools' special? That would be really fun. Key, as he strode down a dark corridor, tried to practice his surprised reaction when the camera crew would all come out from behind some screen at the most opportune moment.
Maybe don't gasp and close your mouth a little and don't raise your eyebrows so high, he thought to himself. Don't be too exaggerated.
He kept running into that lizard-looking guy everywhere. Key had to admit, the guy knew how to accessorize, and he could definitely appreciate that splash of purple in his hair. He just couldn't understand from his long and boring monologues he gave as he stared intently into Key's eyes what exactly it was that he wanted from him. Key only half-listened anyway, but still there were some confusing things he said. What was a matesprit?
The third encounter, Key interrupted him before he could start talking again.
"My name's Key," he said. The other blinked in reply. "The Almighty Key," he clarified.
"Almighty?" asked Lizard-Guy. "Does that mean you're…royalty?"
Key grinned, flattered. He liked this guy.
"I am Eridan," said Lizard-Guy. That name wasn't difficult to remember.
Not as easy as Lizard-Guy, but he could probably bother himself to remember it if he tried.
"Eridan," he repeated, just in case.
Then he gave a half-assed, nice-to-meet-you bow and kept searching for the cameras.
The last room he looked into at the end of the hallway was completely dark and seemed completely empty. If any room was to house a hidden camera crew that would jump out and yell "Surprise!" at the flip of a switch, it was surely this one. Key debated whether he should flip the light switch to force them all out, or if he should play it clueless and wait patiently in the very center of the room.
Before he could do either though, he was startled by a sudden catchy beat that filled the space, and after the first measure, a spotlight appeared in the center of the room.
Lizard-G—er, Eridan stood beneath it, doing a cool pose and staring seductively at Key with a bit of a smirk. Then he started dancing really cool as spinning colorful lights and a laser light show filled up the mostly dark room.
Oh, so this was the talent corner.
Eridan danced his way smoothly toward Key, the spotlight fixed on him the whole way. When Key was in the spotlight, he was very clearly grinning at the opportunity to show off his moves.
He could do this.
He started off with a body wave, and damn the two of them looked good together, jewelry glinting in the spinning lighting and Eridan's long cape swishing attractively around both of their ankles.
They were both quite familiar with the song, so they were in time with each other and at the right moment, they froze.
Then they started shuffling.
It was like they had practiced! They were so awesome together, Eridan with his clear hipster background and Key's ability to copy any dance move the moment he saw it. They were a recipe for success, they were so in sync.
Then the song ended and they both stopped in a cool pose, breathing heavily.
"We're a couple now!" Key announced, ready to compete as a team.
Eridan smiled and squealed and suddenly—unexpectedly—latched his lips onto Key's.
Key blinked, wide-eyed. April Fools? No one came out to say "Surprise" or to laugh at his new predicament, so it didn't seem like this was a joke.
Alright then. He supposed he could do this, too.
This was nothing short of irritating. What did this Minho guy take him for? Sollux wasn't just gonna go along with this idea. It was stupid and dumb. No way was he doing anything with this human. Why was Fef so adamant about it anyway? Why was Minho so adamant about it?
Sollux couldn't tell which bothered him more.
And of course he did everything he could to ignore that guy and his girlfriend—his girlfriend—as they giggled and made cutesy faces and whispered sweet nothings to each other in the stupid horn pile, both pestering Sollux to join them or talk to them or stop pretending that they weren't there, which he most certainly wasn't going to do. They could just go live happily ever fucking after for all he cared. He didn't need a caring adorable girlfriend, he didn't need some one-night-stand, and he wasn't going to have a threesome with them!
No matter how flamingly charismatic that human was!
It was just weird! He wasn't going for it. Not in the slightest. Eridan had tried to pull this shit before, and it didn't work then and it wouldn't work now. Granted, Eridan hadn't succeeded in wooing Fef, and Sollux had no need to retaliate because he knew his girlfriend wasn't going anywhere. But now...
Sollux just sat at a computer and typed out indecipherable things on his charred keyboard.
He really wished he had Aradia to talk to right now. He couldn't think of anyone else who could help him. Karkat's too busy figuring out his own messed up quadrants; Eridan was not someone Sollux was interested in talking to, even now; Kanaya had no clue herself about quadrants and would probably offer some vague, tediously worded advice that would be completely unhelpful. Sollux was stuck in his own head for this one, left to brood as he failed to ignore the whispers drifting to his ears from the corner.
"Hey," he heard.
2hut the fuck up, he thought. "What do you want?" he said. "You already have my giirlfriiend. What more could you a2k for?"
There was a pause. "You," Minho answered.
Sollux's blood was boiling, and he stood up to glare at the two of them in their happy fucking hornland. "II told you both, II'm not iintere2ted! Why can't you two get that through your head2?"
"I told you," Minho answered calmly, his gaze intense and penetrating, "that you can't resist me for long."
"Augh!" Sollux threw his hands up in the air.
"Sollux, w)(at )(appened to t)(at sense of adfinture! I t)(oug)(t you wanted to try—"
"Never miind my 'duel ta2te2,' Fef. And you!" He pointed at Minho, whose hold on Feferi's—his girlfriend's!—waist tightened just slightly.
That cheeky bastard just sent Sollux over the edge. He hated this guy so much that he…he…
Before he could stop himself, Sollux stormed over to the two, grabbed Minho roughly by the back of his neck, his fingers tangling in his mess of perfect hair, and forced their mouths together in the wildest, most passionate hate-kiss any troll had ever experienced. Feferi squealed in delight, but Sollux couldn't hear her over the pounding in his ears. She was more or less pushed to the side as the two men grappled with each other, never once breaking the kiss as if their lips were melded together. It was a fight for dominance in every aspect, from their hands on each other's bodies to their warring tongues, but Sollux was hell bent on winning this battle.
He would have Minho crying his name in hateful pleasure by the end of the night.
"HeY bRo, YoU wAnT sOmE sOpOr MoThErFuCkEr?"
Sopor? What was sopor?
Taemin shrugged. Gamzee took it as an affirmative and fetched the "sopor."
Taemin's neck stretched as he curiously peered at whatever it was. It was in a pie tin, and it looked pretty good. Like green Jello! He smiled innocently as he accepted it, and, observing the way Gamzee consumed the stuff, he dug in and ate it.
Things got pretty fuzzy after that. Fuzzier than usual, anyway. But he felt good. Really good.
Taemin never realized just how amazing everything was. Just little things. It was incredible how green this sopor was. It was fascinating how cold metal was when you touched it but plastic never got that cold. It was crazy how technology had gotten so advanced that people couldn't explain why phones could do the things they did. Taemin wanted to share this with the rest of his members. He wished they were here to experience this enlightenment he felt. It was like nothing really mattered anymore, and the whole universe was glorious, from the stars that burned despite there being no oxygen in space to be their fuel, to the tiny atoms that held everything together with a force stronger and more stubborn than even gravity.
"ThAt'S sOmE mIrAcUlOuS sOuNdInG tHoUgHtS mOtHeRfUcKeR," Gamzee commended, eyes half-lidded and jaw slack and smirking slightly.
Taemin hadn't even realized he was speaking all of that out loud. It was almost like Gamzee could hear his thoughts. Or maybe Gamzee wasn't speaking either, and they could both hear each other's thoughts. Maybe this sopor stuff just opened up communications between the two of them so they didn't have to necessarily speak to be able to understand what each other was saying.
"I dUnNo AbOuT tHaT, mY bRoThEr Of ThE mIrAcLeS," Gamzee answered. "BuT iT sUrE iS sOmE fInE tHiNkInG yOu'Re AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn DoInG tHeRe."
They went on like this for what seemed like forever, and in no time at all, Taemin could feel his shyness and intimidation slipping away. He was totally comfortable around his brother. He could talk to a motherfucker about anything. He could do anything with Gamzee and not worry about doing something to embarrass himself or to make Gamzee think any less of him, because Gamzee wouldn't care. Or wouldn't notice. Taemin began noticing things less anyway, as it were, and he was pretty oblivious before. But he didn't care much with all this sopor in his system. It made him careless, uninhibited, open, somehow transcendental. Gamzee could have asked him to make out or something, and Taemin wouldn't be afraid to try it, because everything was miraculous and nothing hurt.
"HeY, tHaT dOeSn'T sOuNd LiKe A bAd IdEa! YoU uP fOr SoMe SlOpPy MaKeOuTs, BrO?" Gamzee grinned at Taemin, eyes massively dilated.
Hey, that didn't sound like such a bad idea. Not that Taemin had any experience whatsoever, but he'd never tried something like this before, and how miraculous would it be if he got to share his new experience with his intergalactic pal here.
He didn't know. All he knew was that he was warm and content with everything, filled up with sopor and its effects, its ability to turn the world into a foggy, amorphous haze.
There was a gray-scaled face with yellow eyes before him, and he could see his reflection in those deep orbs. His eyelids felt heavy, like there was some invisible pressure bearing down on them, much like the pressure that was bearing down on his lips now. Taemin just went with the flow and did what the miracles told him.
"oH, uH,,,hELLO THERE," Tavros greeted the newcomer, but he didn't seem to notice him at all. "uM, i'M tAVROS,,,yOU KNOW, iF YOU CARE OR ANYTHING,,,"
The human's eyes managed to shift from Tavros' tower of chicken nuggets to Tavros, and he smiled bashfully.
"Onew," the human said.
Tavros looked to the trolls who led him here for assistance in translating, because he didn't know what that meant. Nepeta just smiled delightedly in their direction while Equius…well, his presence was never a comforting one, and he always just kinda lingered. But he did make these robot legs, so Tavros guessed he could try to think of him as more of a…friend? Or maybe an acquaintance. He could try that instead.
"wHAT-YOU?" Tavros asked.
Nepeta giggled. ":33that's his name, silly!"
"oH,,," Tavros looked perplexedly back to the human, who was staring at the chicken nuggets in a way that made him a little uncomfortable. "uM,,," he began, successfully capturing Onew's attention again. "tHESE ARE MY NUGGETS," he said. "i GATHERED THEM HERE,,,tO UH, pROTECT THEM," He gave a timid smile.
"Hungry," was all Onew said, and it was a barely audible whisper, but Tavros caught it, and it alarmed him.
"oH, uH, yOU CAN'T EAT THEM," he said. "tHEY'RE NOT FOR EATING, tHEY'RE, uH, mY FRIENDS,,,"
Onew's gaze, however, had already shifted back to the helpless chicken nuggets, and from his spot where he had crawled on the floor, he reached out a hand toward the nugget pile.
"uH, pLEASE DON'T DO THAT," Tavros appeased, trying to stop Onew, who had already closed his fingers around an unlucky victim. "i MEAN, uH, i GUESS YOU CAN HOLD IT, bUT, uH, pLEASE DON'T HURT IT,,,iT'S JUST A HELPLESS NUGGET,"
Onew brought the chicken closer to his face. Tavros, panicking, continued to try to stop him from harming it and hoped that he just wanted to cuddle it or something.
"nOW, uH, lISTEN HERE, oNEW,,,pLEASE DON'T EAT THAT,,,iT WOULDN'T BE VERY, uH, pOLITE,,,yOU KNOW, sINCE I ASKED YOU NOT TO,"
Onew stared at Tavros with dead eyes as the nugget in his hand came ever closer to his gaping mouth. Tavros averted his eyes, nervous from the confrontational situation he was stuck in. His voice became thinner, quieter, cracked a bit, and he didn't know if he could keep up his tone of authority.
"hEY," he continued. "iF YOU DON'T STOP THAT, rIGHT NOW, uH, rUFIO MIGHT COME HERE AND, uH, sET YOU STRAIGHT,,,sO PUT THAT POOR NUGGET DOWN RIGHT THIS SECOND,,,mISTER," Strong ending, said a gloating voice in his head.
No matter what Tavros said, Onew just kept staring straight through him as that nugget came ever closer to inside of his mouth.
"Oh, pleeeeeeeease!" said another gloating voice from behind him.
":33hey, Vriskers!" Nepeta cheerily said, as Equius barely stirred from his lurking place in the shadows.
Vriska was the last person Tavros wanted to see at a time like this, when he was nervous and cracking under the pressure of having to protect his poor chicken nuggets from this dead-eyed madman. Of course Vriska never cared about what Tavros needed. She just continued to criticize him and make fun of Rufio and Tavros and tell him what a coward he was all the time.
"No f8key f8ke imaginary friend can ever help you 8e less of a 8a8y faced cripple than everyone knows you are!" she cackled.
"uH, vRISKA, iF YOU DON'T MIND, uH, lEAVING OR SOMETHING, bECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOOD FOR MY SELF ESTEEM, aND, i AM TRYING TO PROTECT MY—"
"Hahahahahahahaha!" Her interrupting laugh had him craning his neck to face her. "Of course! Protect your chicken friends, 8ecause you finally have friends where you fit in, right chicken?"
Tavros tried desperately to get a word in edge-wise with her as she continued to hold her stomach in merciless laughter. "vRISKA, i THINK YOU SHOULD, uH, sTOP THIS RIGHT NOW,,,sERIOUSLY, bECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING ME, uH, fEEL PRETTY BAD HERE,,," His voice wavered and faltered as he continued and the situation spiraled out of his control. "pLEASE,,,"
Even above her obnoxious laughter, Tavros heard the distressing sound of a crispy chicken nugget being torn apart. He whipped his head around, his wide eyes zeroing in on the half-nugget that remained in Onew's hand and the man's moving jaw as he chewed the missing half until it would never be recognized again, and Vriska's laughter only increased in decibels as Tavros' stomach dropped through the floor.
He snapped. Completely lost himself as Rufio took over, and all that timidity and unsureness fell behind. He stood up, his fists balled up and his whole body quivering to hold back the raging bull inside him.
"hOW,,,dARE YOU!" he screamed at the suddenly confused Onew, and Vriska's laughter abruptly stopped. "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" Tavros kicked the nugget mountain, catapulting chicken nugget pals all over the room. Onew scrambled back, simultaneously shoving nuggets into his gluttonous face hole. "NOBODY RESPECTS ME! ESPECIALLY YOU!" He rounded on Vriska, whose face still betrayed her laughter. "YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT MEAN TO ME FOR AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN YOU! AND NONE OF THESE PEOPLE I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS EVER PAID ME ANY OF THE RESPECT I DESERVE! AND NOW. THIS COMPLETE STRANGER!" He turned again to Onew, who crawled backward, trying to escape the wrath of Tavros as he clanked toward him on his robotic legs. "THINKS HE CAN JUST COME IN HERE AND EAT MY CHICKEN NUGGETS WHEN I TOLD EVERYBODY THAT THEY CAN'T. EAT. MY. CHICKEN. NUGGETS!"
He dove onto the helpless idol, screaming and raging until Equius finally came to Onew's assistance and pulled Tavros off. Onew panted, tried to stand and run, stopped, grabbed as many chicken nuggets as he could hold in his shirt (Tavros ragescreamed again, fighting against Equius' restraint), and bolted from the room.
Minho was on cloud nine as he floated throughout the corridors of the lab. That was one of the best experiences he had ever had. He'd been in threesomes before, but that Sollux really knew how to move. Casual sex had never been quite so passionate before, and now Minho was basking in the afterglow with a vaguely blissful grin plastered on his face as he searched for the rest of his members.
Taemin and a troll with huge horns and a mess of hair were in a corner having almost as much fun as Minho just was. Minho always had a soft spot for his dongsaeng, and he decided to join in on their little sloppy makeout session. Because hey, threesomes, right?
Gamzee didn't seem to mind as Minho snuck in on Taemin's other side.
Goddamnit, these humans were nothing but a nuisance. Karkat huffed as he stomped immaturely down a dark hallway, eyes crossed in a blind rage. He slammed open a door at the end of the hallway, storming into a dark and empty room.
What's with these lights? It looks like someone was raving in here. Stupid. Why was everyone here such a moron? Fuckasses didn't know when it was time to be serious. Did they think floating around aimlessly in the medium on a meteor lab was cause to party?
He scanned the room for people, and spotted a couple against the wall—
What. The. Fuck.
"Okay, so they're going to come through that door, and then the bucket will fall on them?" Jonghyun clarified.
"PR3C1S3LY!" Terezi gleefully affirmed.
Jonghyun pursed his lips, unsure of the plan. "Wouldn't it be more effective if we put something in the bucket?" he asked.
"WHY WOULD W3 H4V3 TO DO TH4T?" Terezi replied. "YOU DON'T TH1NK TH3 THOUGHT OF H4V1NG 4 BUCK3T L4ND ON YOU W1THOUT YOU 3XP3T1NG 1T 1S SHOCK1NG 3NOUGH?"
Jonghyun shrugged, but before either of them could say more, their attention was captured by a loud ruckus.
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HUMANS AND TROLLS MEETING WAS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA I FUCKING KNEW THIS KIND OF SHIT WOULD HAPPEN NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE OR EVEN THINK ABOUT SEEING THIS I AM FOREVER GOING TO BE TRAUMATIZED IF I DON'T GOUGE OUT MY EYEBALLS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW BECAUSE YOU TWO CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL YOUR HORMONAL BONE BULGES OH MY FUCKING GOG"
The two pranksters rushed over to the place Karkat's long scream of consciousness was drifting from, only to find a dark empty room with rave lights and Karkat screaming at a couple of well dressed people as they made out against the wall.
"Key?" Jonghyun said, flabbergasted.
"3R1D4N?" Terezi exclaimed at the same time.
Well this was certainly shocking!
Onew, still starving but increasingly less so, scampered away from the screaming Tavros as fast as his insole-lifted legs could carry him. Spotting Minho and Taemin with some other troll, he grabbed his two dongsaengs and dragged them with him and continued running. He had to find Jonghyun and Key so they could get off this meteor, because he knew he wouldn't survive another hour with that cyborg troll after him!
There seemed to be several voices coming from a dark and empty room at the end of a corridor, so Onew headed in that direction, a grinning and giggling Minho and Taemin in tow.
Once in the room, he discovered Jonghyun and Key and several other trolls, and everyone seemed to be in general unrest. He wondered what had happened, but he also didn't care enough to ask. Breathing heavily, he tried to gather himself and finish eating the chicken that was left.
"SURPRISE! APRIL FOOLS'!" screamed several voices. A crew and cameras all came rushing out from behind a screen, laughing and cheering with the unsuspecting subjects.
"I knew it!" Key cried, delighted. "I mean, what? A hidden camera show? I had no idea! How did you guys all do this without me even knowing? You must really care!"
Jonghyun rolled his eyes as Key played the part of camwhore, but smiled all the same, equally delighted by the attention.
The trolls all seemed rather perplexed by this, but the show went on all the same, culminating in a special performance from SHINee for the hosts (the trolls).
The Shawols all screamed and wet their pants in delight!
On the way home, all the SHINee members started to come down from their cloud of euphoria. Taemin, the sopor having worn off, reflected back on his experiences as if it were a strange dream he had had. "Guys?" he said to his exhausted hyungs. "That was the weirdest variety show we've ever done."
The rest of SHINee murmured their agreement.