dreams and hearts

VIRTUAL COOKIES FOR THOSE WHO CAN SPOT THE OBVIOUS DAWN STEELE REFERENCE.

(One week later)

Anxiously, Robert paced the sickly cleans hospital corridors as he had done for the past two hours. Danny returned from the coffee machine and sat down upon one of the empty chairs that lined the corridors. He watched his son with an ache in his chest, wishing he could give him the comfort that he was seeking yet Danny had never been able to give. Suddenly, Robert started trembling and fell to the floor ungracefully, biting down on his bottom lip so hard he drew blood.

Danny sighed, "Robert, she's going to be fine." He assured him in a patient voice.

Robert whirled on him, eyes malicious. "You can't know that!" He hissed viciously.

Impatience flared in Danny's chest. He'd been telling him ever since they'd arrived at the hospital two hours ago that everything was going to be okay, but Robert was having none of it. Danny was tired and worried too and all his exhaustion flew from him as he snapped: "What happened to your Mum was extremely rare, Robert! Just because it happened to her, it doesn't mean that it will happen to Charlotte!"

Robert stopped his pacing, his back to Danny, and Danny couldn't see his face to tell what he was feeling but he knew the words hadn't gone down very well. Of course, Danny had instantly regretted the words, or to be exact the wording of them, but he knew that he was right. Robert simply hadn't realised that yet. Nothing happened, Robert simply stood with his back to Danny and had his hands balled into fists beside him. Danny anxiously waited for Robert to yell, to scream, to throw something- anything. But all that happened was Robert slumped to the floor again and began crying, fat tears rolling uncontrollably down his cheeks.

"Crap- Robert, I-"

Suddenly Joshua, Charlotte's husband, burst from the doors behind them with a massive grin on his face. "A baby girl! A baby girl!" He cried deliriously.

Both Danny and Robert, who stood as soon as Joshua entered the corridor, decided to forget the argument they just had and focused on Joshua. "A girl, eh?" Danny repeated, a broad grin on his face. "How is Charlotte? What did you name her?"

"Can we see her?" Robert added.

Joshua absorbed their words and nodded. "Well- That's what I was sent out here, really. Charlotte wants to see you, Robert. She'd like you to name the baby."

Both Robert and Danny raised their eyebrows. Danny gave out a low whistle, but didn't comment. Robert, however, did. "You're fine with that?" He asked disbelievingly. Then again, he thought, Charlotte was a hard person to argue with.

He nodded and dismissed Robert's worries with a wave of his hand, "It's fine, as long as you don't name her something ridiculous like Coco." He joked.

Stuffing his hands into his pockets to keep him from drumming his thighs in nervousness, Robert nodded and slowly shuffled into the room that Joshua had earlier burst from. The sight that greeted him really was rather lovely. Charlotte, although matted with sweat and looked exhausted, had that new-Mum glow about her. There was a small bundle in her arms which she was cooing at, and it squirmed in it's blankets every now and then, and he caught glimpses of a small, pink fist and small feet through gaps in the blanket every now and then. Without making a noise, Robert walked so he was at the end of Charlotte's bed. She looked up briefly to grin warmly at him, but then glanced back down at her baby and pulled the blankets away slightly so he could see her face.

Robert could barely concentrate on the baby. He caught how beautiful she was- although pink and squishy as all babies- but he was more occupied by the look on Charlotte's face. One of love. One of hope for the future. Suddenly, he felt all the happiness inside him squished by wistfulness. Was that how his own Mother had looked at him when he was first born? Had she loved him instantly, even though he'd never proved himself capable of loving? Was this scene of Charlotte and her newborn baby the same as when he had been born?

(No, a small voice in the back of his mind sneers, because it had probably only been for the briefest of moments before he'd killed her. Dead, dead, dead- You killed her! You killed your mother!)

He didn't realise that he was crying until Charlotte leaned across her baby to wipe the tears from his eyes, understanding written in every line of her face. Before he knew what he was doing, he took the baby from her arms and cradled her gently, rocking her back and forth and whispering to her how her Mummy was the best and that she would always be there and that she deserved a Mummy like Charlotte and how she was never going to have to go through what he did and he'd always be there for her anyway, even though she had Charlotte.

Charlotte cried, too.

"What do you want to name her?" She asked through her tears.

Robert looked down on this precious bundle in his arms. She squirmed slightly in his arms, yawning, before settling down in his arms again. He knew that the right thing to do would be to name her after his Mother, it's what any good person would do. But he never did the right thing, and he'd never been a good person. Besides, it didn't really make sense to him to name this baby after a woman neither of them had ever known. Had never loved.

"Robbie?" Charlotte whispered worriedly, placing a hand on his shoulder and gazing down at her baby.

"Hope." He barely whispered. "I'm gonna name her Hope."

Charlotte's face visibly crumpled, and she began crying all over again. "That's beautiful, Robbie." She murmured delicately, and kissed the top of Hope's forehead. "Hello, Hope."

Robert passed Hope back to Charlotte, and suddenly felt very out of place. He shouldn't be here, in this room. It should be Charlotte and Joshua cooing over their new miracle. Yet everyone felt the need to treat him so differently, because of his illness, and he wrecked normal lives. Well he was having no more of it. Tomorrow, he was off to Ireland, where his family would then be able to lead their lives peacefully instead of working them around him. His Dad wouldn't have to put up with his mood swings anymore and Charlotte wouldn't have to put her husband second to him anymore.

Better off without him.

"Robbie?" Charlotte called him, and he jerked from his thoughts to find that he was standing in the doorframe, leaving.

"Yeah?" He replied, frowning and trying to pay attention to Charlotte instead of letting his thoughts wander again.

"Your... Your plane ticket... It's only one way, isn't it?" She asked, but it sounded more of a whine as her voice broke towards the end, more tears falling from her eyes.

He knew he should go over there and comfort her, assure her that he would always love her and that he was doing this for her, because she was better off without him.

Instead he nodded solemnly and left the room. The next day, he boarded a plane and wished he'd had a better goodbye to his wonderful sister he'd never see again.