|El Goonish Shive, The Novel
Author: The Other Side of Darkness PM
This is a novelization of the EGS comics. It is NOT an AU, and will follow every arc of EGS precisely as Dan made it. Pairings, for those who can't guess are, TeddxGrace NanasexElliot-temporarily, SarahxElliot, NanasexEllen.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Elliot & Tedd - Chapters: 4 - Words: 18,886 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 04-26-12 - Published: 03-14-12 - id: 7923465
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I own NOTHING! But, dear lord, do I wish I lived in Moperville.
Note: This is a novelization of the EGS comics. There will be some additional scenes, and some of the stuff that happens does not translate well to the written word, so they may be somewhat altered.
'Nother note: Other than a few scenes that are hard to describe and additional scenes to give a deeper look into the mentality of certain actions, nothing will be altered. Justin will still be as he is. Grace will still be almost overly sensitive. Tedd will still be the epitome of awesome.
Prologue: Prologues Suck!
Two teens stood in an expanse of white. One stood about six foot tall, nearly towering over his five foot six compatriot. The taller one had brown hair, a black shirt and blue pants, he had a rather annoyed look on his youthful face.
"Hello. I'm Elliot. This thing to my left is named Tedd," Elliot, the taller teen, nodded towards the shorter teen with purple hair and large, mirror lens glasses.
"Sup," Tedd gave a half hearted wave. This one did not look nearly as annoyed as Elliot, though they did appear to wish to be elsewhere.
"As you are probably aware, this is our prologue. And prologues always suck," Elliot continued.
"Always," Tedd emphasized.
"And of course, Our prologue will be no exception."
"Oh, and in case you can't tell, Tedd's a guy," Elliot gestured at the androgynous young man to his left with his thumb.
"As you are painfully aware," Elliot once again stood in a white expanse next to his friend, "We are still in the introductory stages of this story."
Tedd added, "Which sucks."
"So, to make things more interesting, we will now have bikini clad woman randomly in the background of each scene," Elliot lifted one fist energetically in the air, followed closely by Tedd.
For a couple of seconds, nothing happened as the two teens stood there with their fists in the air.
"C'mon, Sarah," the brown haired teen complained, "That was your cue."
"I am NOT coming out like this, you pigs!"
+- He deserved that, folks.
Sometime later, Elliot stood next to a young blonde woman that was roughly the same age as him. She wore a pink shirt and blue jeans.
Elliot's dour expression was matched by hers as he said, "Hey, this is Sarah. The Prude."
Her crossed armed reply was said in an exasperated tone, "Oh, I'm not a prude."
This prompted Tedd to pop up pointing a finger at her accusingly as he said, "Oh, yeah? Then Strip!"
He completely missed the look of panic look on Elliot's face as he muttered an, "Oh crap!" under his breath.
The embarrassed look on Sarah's face lasted only seconds before it became twisted in rage and Tedd's entire world became pain.
After a beat down of epic proportions, Sarah's arms were crossed yet again as she walked away from Elliot and a bruised and battered Tedd.
"Call me when the first story starts," She said in monotone.
A look of dawning came to Elliot's face as Tedd whimpered, "Story?"
"I knew we forgot something..."
+- A Noble Cause.
Our brown haired protagonist stood before our purple haired protagonist, a despondent look covering his features.
"Bad news. The first story arc won't be ready to start until next week," Elliot told Tedd.
"What do we do until then?"
Elliot looked off to the horizon in their white expanse his posture and tone becoming rather dramatic, "The one thing we can do, my friend..."
Ten minutes and one hastily crafted sign later could find Tedd and Elliot leaning against a brick wall, right beside a sign that had the words, "The Get Sarah To Wear A Bikini Fund."
God speed, lads...
+- Where DID that come from?
Sarah's outraged cry of, "'THE GET SARAH TO WEAR A BIKINI FUND'?" filled the air.
"Well, you weren't doing it for free," Elliot reasoned.
"So we figured we'd raise fifty bucks and see what happened," Tedd finished for him, nodding sagely with his arms crossed.
Outraged beyond words, Sarah turned her back on her two male friends to gather her wits about her.
Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes and stood straight as a telephone pole, "Do you know what time it is?" She asked in a deceptively cheerful voice. Should the boys see her face it would give away how pissed the young woman was.
"Bikini time?" Elliot asked hopefully.
Magically, a comically large hammer appeared in Sarah's hands, "Time to die."
Startled, Elliot pointed at the hammer, "Where the hell did that come from?"
+- If you take offense, it's your own dirty mind's fault.
A balding man with thick glasses wearing a lab coat cleared his throat as he appeared in the white expanse. He had a thick white mustache that actually hid his mouth entirely, and his hair, while absent from the top of his head, was actually quite long and bushy in the areas it did still grow from.
"Guten tag," he spoke in German, "I am a stereotypical German Scientist. Many of you have wondered where the hell that hammer came from yesterday. The answer? Quite simple," he gestured to a picture of Sarah holding the hammer moments before she turned around to put the hurt on Tedd and Elliot, "You see, when a woman is offended, she can make a hammer appear out of nowhere to pound the offender. There is proof of this in several manga and anime. Allow me to demonstrate."
He cleared his voice before turning to his assistant, a busty woman with her blonde hair pulled into pigtails, wearing a black skirt, a green tank top, and a white lab coat, "Assistant, could you Censored my Censored with your Censored?"
The blonde woman smiled happily as she chirped out, "Sure."
The German scientist cleared his throat yet again as he said, "Although one could call this demonstration a failure, I can definitely see it as a success."
The next day Tedd and Elliot could be found standing in front of a building. At the front of the building, lettering declared this random place to be Moperville North.
Elliot was examining the building with an odd amount of scrutiny for him, "Is it just me or is the school layout exactly like the author's because he's too lazy to think up a new one?"
"It's you," Tedd grumped, "Shut up."
"This is our school," Elliot said, done with his inspection, "Moperville North. We're juniors here and-"
"Why are we here?" Tedd gave in and shouted out, "It's Sunday?"
Elliot sighed and addressed his friend, "We're still in the intro stuff, Tedd."
"But that sucks!" the purple haired teen protested, "Isn't there anything better to do?"
Elliot thought for a moment then a slightly perverted grin came to his face as he said, "Well, I guess we could try to figure out what that German scientist said yesterday..."
Tedd, no longer looking anywhere near as pissed about his location, said, "'Assistant, could you Censored my Censored with your Censored?'"
Tedd's gratuitous comment brought a look of shock and disgust from his taller friend, "Wow... Dude... that's just disturbing."
Tedd frowned and pointed at Elliot, "Oh yeah? Well, why don't you tell me some of your theories then?"
The German scientist seemed to appear out of thin air at that point, saying, "Actually, if you want to know, I asked her to clean my desk with her toothbrush."
Elliot was confused, "Now, why the-"
He was interrupted by his smaller friend shoving him aside, "You mean your assistant is cleaning your desk with a toothbrush? Like, right now? Can I watch?"
"Sure," the scientist said with a shrug.
Tedd rushed off to watch the cleaning of a desk with a toothbrush, the scientist trailing after him bemusedly.
Overbalanced, Elliot hit the ground.
"Ow..." After a couple seconds to think over his friends actions, he then commented, "I suppose whether or not Tedd takes interest in something is a good way to determine whether or not it should be censored..."
Chapter One: Goo
A blonde man stood at the front of a class of teenagers, droning on relentlessly despite the lack of interest a majority of his class was showing. He decided to try to give them some incentive.
"Now remember, class..." He looked at all of his students, finger in the air to emphasize his point, "The creation of goo is important to all of your futures!"
He had planned to say more, but one of the more problematic students piped up.
The teacher's thoughts could be summed up in two words, Uh oh...
"Our goo kind of came to life and slithered away..." the young man looked to his lab partner to corroborate his story. Elliot just nodded, "Is that bad?"
The teacher's face palm seemed answer enough.
That day, after school had been let out. Tedd, in his blue shirt and khaki pants, and Elliot could be found stalking the halls of Moperville North, nets in hand, keeping their eyes open for the goo that had been inadvertently brought to life.
"I can believe we're hunting goo..." the purple haired teen muttered.
"Well, it's your fault it's alive," Elliot grumbled back, "so keep looking."
Tedd spotted the slimy green mass slithering down a hallway, "Hey, there it is!"
Elliot, a man of action, dashed forward, swinging his net with all the speed he could muster.
"Huh-? Hey!" he exclaimed as the goo slipped through the cloth netting none the worse for wear, "It oozed right through the net!" The goo, surprisingly quickly, took that moment to slip out of sight, not even leaving a trail to follow.
Elliot groaned, "I suppose we were foolish to try to capture goo using nets..."
"Blasphemy!" Tedd reprimanded, "We just need larger nets!"
Despite the glasses wearing teen's proclamation the two did abandon their nets. Lacking weapons of any form at this point, the more physically fit of the two took the lead.
"Damn! Where did it escape to so quickly?" Elliot swore not but half a minute later. Behind him, Tedd was peeking his head out of the hallway they had last encountered the somewhat gelatinous mass. Spotting something of the same color nearby he darted towards it.
No where nearby, the goo had wandered into a supply closet and found a jar of medical steroids. The sickening sloshing and slurping sounds it made belied it's intelligence, meager though it was, as it worked to open the jar.
Elliot suddenly felt a chill go down his spine as Tedd walked up to him holding a sponge.
"I sense a disturbance in the goo..."
Ignoring his friends ominous comment, Tedd explained the sponge, "I thought I found it, but it turned out to be a sponge."
The goo, previously just slightly larger than the green sponge Tedd had found lying around, began gurgling ominously, it's mass bubbling and roiling like it was in pain.
It suddenly exploded outwards, growing one third of it's original mass bigger with a slimy popping sound. Another few seconds of gurgling and another pop had it growing larger still, it's mass forming distinct tendrils, getting thicker, and loosing it's semi transparent state.
"This sucks!" Tedd complained, "Everyone else has already gone home!"
Elliot, overpowering his case of willies with good old fashioned teenaged bravado, ignored his purple haired friend as he said, "We should split up; we'll find it faster that way."
By the third time it grew, the goo was completely engulfing the jar of steroids to the point that one could no longer make out the jar at all.
The next explosion of growth, three seams appeared in the slimy mass. Two small seams right next to each other, near the top, the other much larger, just below the others.
The fifth explosive growth spurt had one of the two seams on top splitting open momentarily to show a light green bubble... almost like an eye.
Tedd panicked hearing his brown haired friend's comment.
"Split up? Are you mad?" He pointed accusingly at Elliot, "There's goo out there! Going alone is suicide!"
Elliot, seeming to completely forget his previous feeling of foreboding, shrugged, amused at Tedd's antics, "Oh, c'mon! It's goo! What are you afraid of?"
After a monstrous, slimy pop, the goo had indeed become monstrous. It was well over six times it's original mass, had several swishing tendrils of ambiguous strength, green bulbous eyes and a gaping maw filled with sharp teeth. It's gurgling growl scattered even the insects nearby.
Tedd floundered for an excuse to keep from splitting up, "...Um...er... Goo makes me puke?" He looked hopeful, half asking with his left eyebrow raised.
Elliot was unimpressed. He turned away from his friend with a scoff, "Sure it does," and began to walk away, keeping his eyes open for the goo.
Too himself he grumbled, "Feh! It's just goo! How dangerous can it possibly be?"
A few minutes after wandering the halls of Moperville North on his own, Elliot was beginning to wonder if this search was pointless.
Where is this goo? I wonder if it dried up or something... he didn't even pause to observe the mural to his left as he walked towards the designated socialization area. Maybe it ended up in the cafeteria—Holy crap!
Fear spread across Elliot's face like fire as he saw the transformed goo, all slimy tendrils, green eyes and sharp teeth. It almost appeared to have hands, one of them holding...something.
His bluster from earlier all but completely gone as he saw how dangerous the goo had indeed become, Elliot struggled to think of something to say that might placate the creature that was looking at him like a tasty snack.
"Um... Hello, Mister Giant Goo Monster...Any chance of me just leaving safely?"
The creature's response was another gurgling growl that made Elliot's stomach turn.
For a moment, Elliot became distracted by an image in his mind of what the poster would look like if this were a publicized event. To the right would be the goo monster, under dramatic lighting. To the left himself, looking rather pathetic as he held up a sign with his own name on it.
The poster would have the following announcement.
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
[Goo to the right] VS [Elliot with his sign to the left]
BE SURE TO PLACE YOUR POTENTIALLY
ILLEGAL AND MORALLY OBJECTIONABLE
BETS NOW 'CAUSE ONCE THIS GETS
STARTED IT WONT BE OVER TILL IT'S OVER!
Shaking away that random thought, Elliot frowned at the goo, finding his bravado again. He took up a ready stance that spoke of martial training and challenged the monster.
"Bring it on..."
The goo hissed, accepting the challenge and launching one fist shaped tendril forward.
Elliot dodged backward at the last second, the splat of the goo hitting the floor covered up by a monstrous boom that shook the very walls.
Elliot landed in a crouch, his thoughts racing, Damn! I barely dodged that!
In the middle of his musings he noticed a stray fork on the ground, "Hmm...?" A fork that someone dropped earlier? Yes! Advantage: Elliot!
The black shirt wearing teen snatched up the fork, darted to the creature's side, and tossed the fork with pinpoint accuracy as he shouted out, "TOGAKEIRU FOHKU KOHGEKI!"
The fork whistled as it flew threw the air, pointy end first, and slapped into the goo monster directly between the eyes. Elliot's eyes lit up in victory.
Until the fork came out of the back of the goo monster's mass, it's velocity almost unaltered, the only thing to show for his effort being a green fork where once there was a white one.
The goo let out a series of growling hissing gurgles that might be interpreted as mocking laughter as it grinned at Elliot, showing off it's rows of sharpened teeth.
Elliot was annoyed with the lack of effect, but did not have anything else on hand so waited out the goo's next move as he thought, It didn't do anything to it...How the hell do you harm goo?
The goo opened it's maw and roared, finding no reason to delay it's own offensive actions.
Some time later, Elliot ran up to Tedd, who appeared to be distracted.
"There you are, Tedd! Listen, I found the goo, but..."
Tedd, startled, yelled out, "No, I was not in the girls locker room!"
Elliot blinked in confusion at his friend, "Um... What?"
Tedd just balled up is fists and looked towards the ceiling as he finished his rant with, "Ok, maybe I was, but it's not like anyone was in there!"
Elliot was now exasperated, scratching the back of his head as he tried to remember how it was he came to be hanging out with this weirdo.
Tedd finally turned to look at who had startled him, "Oh, it's just you, Elliot. Sup?"
After briefly explaining the situation to Tedd, Elliot allowed his friend a few moments to think.
The purple haired, androgynous teen stood there with one arm supporting the other, his chin resting on his fist.
"Hmm... So it's become a giant monster... How did you escape?"
A glint of pride entered the taller teens eye as he said, "Simple! I told it a hero from Dragon Warrior was behind it and ran when its back was turned!"
Tedd pumped his fist into his palm, "Of course! Any monster that is anything like a Slime would naturally fear a Dragon Warrior hero!"
"I don't think that will work twice, though," Elliot intoned as he kept an eye out for the goo, to ensure it didn't sneak up on the two of them, "I bet it's pretty pissed off right about now..."
Ted grinned, lifting his fist into the air with one finger pointed skyward, "Worry not, comrade, for I have a plan!"
Elliot turned a deadpan, half lidded look to the purple haired glasses wearer, "That worries me..."
Despite his lack of confidence in Tedd's planning ability, Elliot obeyed the shorter teen's demand to retrieve a lighter. Not far off of the campus of Moperville North he found a chubby man with goatee and mustache, wearing a green trench coat, a navy blue shirt and a backwards baseball cap. The man silently handed over the lighter at his request, not even blinking at giving it to someone obviously too young to smoke.
As he ran back towards the school, Elliot tossed a thanks over his shoulder, "Thanks for the lighter!"
Making it back to a rather bored looking Tedd, he said, "Okay, Tedd, I got the lighter. Now what?"
Tedd, leaning over the railing of the school's front steps, drawled out, "Well, as we're already outside, why not go home?"
Elliot frowned at his friend and began to raise his voice, "Home? We're not leaving that goo in there!"
Tedd sighed, straightening his poster, "It was just a suggestion."
Lowering his voice again, the brown haired teen flicked the lighter on, "Feh. So what are we going to do, burn it?"
"Actually, Elliot," Tedd said, placing one arm behind his back and lifting one finger on his other hand to emphasize his point, "Just the opposite..."
Leading Elliot back into the school, Tedd held off the rest of his explanation until they had found a step ladder, placed it underneath one of the ceiling mounted fire extinguishers, and had Elliot climb to the top, lighter in hand.
"The goo," Tedd, began, once more holding up a finger to emphasize his point, "is only able to maintain it's current form due to a delicate balance of liquids and solids. It is absorbant, so if we drench it with water, the balance should be undone and all we'll have to do is clean up a puddle!" He nodded at his own genius and went on to say, "Of course, not every area of the school has sprinklers, so we should wait for it to come to us."
Elliot nodded to his friend, following the explanation rather well.
"Okay, Just one question..." He pointed down the hallway, "Is that close enough for ya?"
Thirty meters down the hall from their current position, the goo was slithering forward, its gargling growl promising pain as soon as they were within reach.
Tedd proceeded to point dramatically at the sprinkler, "Now, Elliot, now! Use the fire from the lighter to activate the sprinkler system!"
Elliot flicked the lighter on and waved it back an forth across the sprinkler anxiously, growing nervous as nothing happened.
"It's not working!" Elliot wailed, "Something's wrong with the sprinklers!"
Several years earlier, the blonde Science teacher, with noticeably longer hair, stood in the principals office, extolling the virtues of repairing their fire extinguishers.
"Sir, we really should get the sprinklers fixed."
A short chubby man sitting at the principal's desk, with a rather disturbing resemblance to Adolf Hitler, slammed his chubby fists on the desk with a cry of, "NEIN! The school budget is to be spent on murals! Murals I say!"
Back in the present, Tedd was growing nervous as the goo came ever closer. Its mass had only increased since it's brief skirmish with Elliot, and it almost looked hungry as it approached.
"Um... Elliot?" Tedd just barely refrained from whimpering, "Any ideas?"
Elliot's face hardened into a fierce scowl and a dark energy seemed to radiate from his form, "Just one..."
"Um, you okay..." Tedd mumbled to his friend.
Elliot ignored him as he continued, "And I really hate to do it, but..."
Without warning, Elliot hopped down off the step ladder and ran forward, a battle cry on his lips!
Dodging a sloppy strike from a fist like tendril, Elliot darted into close combat range. He proceeded to punch the creature in its left eye covering his hand and most of his forearm in green viscous slime, and eliciting a SKREEE from the monster.
With his free hand he lit the lighter, and jabbed it into the eye socket as he removed his right arm.
The goo monster's scream of pain and fury got louder and angrier as the eye quickly caught fire and spread quicker.
Elliot turned around and sprinted away. He got just out of range of a fiery explosion, but was still knocked off his feet by the concussive force of the blast.
He landed at Tedd's feet as the purple haired teen pointed out, "Okay, I don't care if you did use the lighter to set it on fire; it blowing up is just ridiculous."
"Yes!" Elliot exclaimed from his spot on the ground at his friends feet, "I am the Man!" He hopped to his feet, his hair mussed, his arms covered in slime up to the elbow and a slightly manic look of disbelief, relief and pride on his face, "I can't believe I pulled that off so perfectly!"
Tedd, however, saw a flaw in the execution and did not hesitate to point it out, "Except you didn't give any of your attacks pointless Japanese names."
For a moment, silence.
Then Elliot smacked himself in the forehead with one slime covered hand, "Aigh! God dammit! Son of a... ERGH! Can I get a do over?"
+- End Chapter One: Goo