There's lots of ways to skin a... Cat.

"And we'll be reunited again."

"Welcome back to 42.21, the Spring! That was Jacklyn Coyle's 'Cold City Lights'. However, at this time of year it's anything but. I'm Kyle with your twelve to one hits. Up next is Burned Poison, but first, here's Joe with your weather..."

Billy unlocked his front door and stepped inside, kicking off his shoes and nudging them against the wall. He heaved the bags of groceries into the kitchen and onto the counter, then turned off the radio.

He took a moment to listen to the silence of the empty house. His parents were out for the day on business, his sister spending the day with her friends at the beach, and his brother at the summer job he'd gotten at the video store.

Billy put the last of the groceries away, a carton of 2% milk, into the fridge and helped himself to an apple. He smiled, things felt so normal. Maybe this year would be a one event summer for once.

However, for various reasons that was not to be.*

Billy caught a glimpse of movement in the reflection of the refrigerator's chrome surface. He turned around sharply and gave an exaggerated scream of terror. Then he laughed.

"No, seriously, could you be any more like a serial killer?"

The person in question was, of course, Billy's arch-nemesis and up the street neighbor, Mortimer McMire. This should have been obvious.

"Wait, hang on," Billy grabbed a butter knife and offered it to him. "Hold this, I'll take your picture."

Mortimer glared, clearly not the least bit amused, so Billy put the knife back.

"Okay, fine. Now what do you want that was so important you had to break into my house for the second time this month?"

Mortimer took out his ray gun, switched gears to knockout mode, and within seconds Billy was unconscious and being hauled into the back yard by two large, lavender egg shapes in navy blue uniforms.

Alone in the kitchen, Mortimer poured himself a glass of water and took two Gravol. Then he joined his henchmen in the yard just as the tractor beam had finished warming up.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Billy woke to find himself in a pristine white waiting room with, he discovered as he sat up, a massive headache.

He groaned, closing his eyes. How the hell had he gotten here? Where was here? And why the hell did his head hurt so much?

Hearing something enter the room, he opened his eyes.

A large, lavender egg-shaped being, dressed in a tea green set of scrub-like clothing, stood before him. In one hand it held a glass of ice water. It looked at him, its big red eye wide with concern. It held the water out to him.

Billy blinked hard to try and clear his head, if only slightly, then accepted the water with a mumbled thanks.

The being gave a sort of nod and smiled. It waited, smile unwavering, while Billy finished the drink.

The water had helped, his headache was almost gone. With this new clarity of mind, he decided to try and remember how he'd gotten there.

Let's see... Wasn't I getting groceries? Yeah, I was getting groceries. I did make it home. I made it home, put the groceries away- Then HE showed up! Of course, this is his doing! Why would it be anyone else!

Billy frowned. As of late, Mortimer had been acting rather peculiar- Well, more so than usual. Billy hadn't heard a thing from him since that night they got back from the observatory.

Suddenly, the style of the place was looking very familiar. The real tip-off, of course, was the logo on the side of the water glass Billy was holding.

He looked back up at the friendly, lavender egg creature before him. Its smile was gone, replaced by the previous expression of what he was certain now was concern. That's when Billy realized his frown may have been mistaken for pain.

In an attempt to reassure the being, he smiled and got to his feet.

The egg seemed please with this. It clapped twice, then walked to the door. It spoke in a low voice, but it spoke in Omnispeak, and thankfully Billy was fluent in that.

« Follow me » It asked.

Billy nodded, and was lead down the hall to an office. As suspected, there was Mortimer, sitting at his desk comparing papers.

The creature knocked on the wall and announced their presence. Mortimer gave an acknowledging nod and gestured for Billy to sit down. He obliged, taking the seat in front of the desk.

Mortimer looked through the papers some more, his frown growing as he compared the notes.

Then he slammed the papers down and looked up sharply, fixing Billy with a cold glare.

"What did you do?" He demanded.

Billy was confused. "Today? I ate two pancakes and got the groceries."

"Don't play innocent. You did something, you must have. What did you do?"

"Look, I have no idea what you're talking about!" Billy protested, but it was obvious Mortimer didn't believe him.

"I swear, I'll figure this out if it's the last thing I-" Mortimer cut himself off, realizing something and quickly forming a theory. He called his guards in on the intercom and went into an adjoining room while they escorted Billy back to the tractor exit. Billy was then sent discreetly back to his yard.

"Well, that made perfect sense," He muttered sarcastically.

He went inside and looked at the wall clock. He'd been gone for two hours and it was now 3:08. Becky wasn't due home until 4, Bobby would be back at five-thirty and their parents at six.

...Oh yeah, I deserve this. Billy decided as he helped himself to a bowl of ice cream. While he was at it, he took two slices of ham from the fridge, then he carried it all back outdoors.

"Here, Spot!" Billy called.

Spot, his Yorp companion, came waddling out of the dog house.

"You officially have your own, personal ham supply," Billy said as he held out a slice, "There was a sale."

Spot, delighted at the delicious ham, chewed with hungry gusto.

Billy sat on the grass beside him, and spent the rest of the afternoon basking in the sun with his little green friend.

They were dozing off after after an intense game of fetch when Billy heard the sound of a car pulling up at the front.

"Back you go," Billy said as he helped the sleepy Yorp into the dog house. Then he turned and went inside.

"Hey Becky!" he greeted as his younger sister kicked off her sandals. "How was the beach?"

She looked up at him skeptically. Was her brother really caring about her afternoon? She glanced up at the screen door into the backyard.

"...You ate ice cream for lunch again, didn't you? I'm telling Mom!"

Oh no, he'd forgotten the bowl in the backyard!

"Just wait 'till she finds out, you'll get dish-duty for a month!"

Billy half expected her to cackle maniacally at this point.

"Come on, is that really necessary?" he pleaded.

"Well, I don't have to tell her..." Becky said slyly.

"Why do you always try and blackmail me?"

"'Cause you're really easy to blackmail, and I really, really want that boombox."

"Yet you can't use your own allowance because...?"

"Because this is faster! Now fork over the cash!" She said with a giggle.

Billy sighed. "All right, fine. I'll give you a week's worth. How's that?"

"Two?"

"Don't push it. One and a half, that's my limit."

"Okay!" Becky said cheerfully. She grabbed her beach bag and headed for the laundry room.

Billy turned and trudged upstairs to his room, took out his wallet from his dresser drawer, and parted with the 15 dollars. Internally he cursed himself, he had to stop giving in like that.

"Here you go," Billy said, handing his sister the money when she showed up in his doorway.

"Thanks!" She took it and went back downstairs to the living room and began to watch TV.

Billy took a sip from the water bottle on his desk. He grimaced, it was warm. He took it back downstairs and emptied it into the sink. He was about to refill it when he remembered the ice cream dish outside. Billy brought it in, cleaned it in the sink and put it back in the cupboard.

...Wait a second, if I'd done that, even after Becky saw, there wouldn't have been enough proof and I wouldn't have had to pay her!

Choosing to blame this obliviousness on dehydration, Billy refilled the water bottle and threw in some ice cubes for good measure. Then he went back upstairs to play computer games, but couldn't settle into one. The water bottle reminded him of earlier. What the hell had Mortimer been talking about anyway?

Okay, what's happened recently that might be relevant? Hmm... Well, other than earlier I haven't seen him since that night we got back from the observatory...

...Come to think of it, he was rather quiet that night too...

Billy mulled this over, leaning back in his chair as he usually did.

...Wait a minute,

Suddenly things were falling into place and swiftly forming an all too perfect and all too terrible image.

No. No way. It can't be...

But the evidence pointed to the contrary. It was blindingly obvious now. Billy sat up properly as he checked, one last time, just in case he'd missed something that could be the answer instead.

Mortimer thinks he's been altered.

Writer's note:

Well aren't I a rule breaker! This is the second story with a title in ALL CAPS! FFN says that it's a disgrace to the language to have things in all caps. Oopsies!

Also, am I the only one who wonders if it's actually "Previously" in the "You have previous read and agreed to our content guidelines" ?

Why yes, I am avoiding that question!

*Heheheh... That will never happen!

Also, in CIITBOTE I'd called a certain species Twidau. I found some notes the other day, and it was originally Tweedau, because I was inspired by the egg shapes of the Tweedle siblings of Alice and Wonderland fame. So now you know.