Author: uberwrite PM
Despite its importance, both the Encyclopaedia Galactica and its famed rival, the HG2TG, have blatantly ignored the subject of Vogon fanfiction in order to save on printing costs. A former writer of the HG2TG has published this deleted entry.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 646 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 1 - Published: 04-07-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8000457
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of Vogon fanfiction.
Bad. Really, really bad.
While twice as long as the newly revised entry on humans, it remains that, when compared to other entries on this immense compendium of knowledge with the importance of this subject considered, the concise nature of this entry is simply unsatisfying to no end. This is not, surprisingly, due to a complete lack of interest and sobriety on the behalf of the writing staff, as is usually the explanation for such entries.
Rather, it is the sheer immensity of the badness of Vogon fanfiction that has prevented the writing staff from including an entry that contains over 5 words. Vogon fanfiction is, in fact, the 2nd worst fanfiction in the universe. The third worst fanfiction in the universe is currently being mass-produced on the planet Rice Salad. In the native tongue of the planet's residents, it means 'Legendary Shadow Boxer'. Any relation it has to the legendary shadow boxer 'Rice Saladé' is actually just the universe being itself, as usual.
Rice Salad fanfiction is used as the weapon of choice for the members of the Bean Curd terrorist gang, who have nothing better to do with their lives but pay literate life forms to read Rice Salad fanfiction in front of a MRI scanner and take a shot for every organ that failed during the reading. Any Rice Salad fanfiction, whole or in part, has been removed in consideration for the well being of your internal organs.
Being an entire tier worse than Rice Salad fanfiction, it is not difficult to imagine why gathering information on Vogon fanfiction is difficult. The sheer horror of the consequences of reading Vogon fanfiction actually reach such astronomical heights that anyone who has any idea of what the consequences actually are is killed on the spot.
Surprisingly, the worst fanfiction in the known universe, the ones highly praised by the internet community of Earth, has no negative physical effects on the body, though a myriad of non-human entities have reported an inescapable urge to throw themselves off of a space bridge. It is fortunate that they didn't, for though less painful than being eaten alive by a Mog Kaw Tiger from the Parental Authority Figure star group, when the body has finally hit the ground, the force will have been so great that it creates an insta-stain that no amount of Dr. Cleanser, Mr. Oxicotton, or a combination of the two, will ever be able to remove. The usual punishment for creating such a stain at the bottom of a space bridge is a fine of 142 Altairan Dollars, though since the culprit is usually dead by this stage, the International Association of People Who Dole Out Hefty Fines to People Who Stain the Bottoms of Space Bridges, or the IAPWDOHFPWSBSB, for short, is instructed to travel back in time 5 years to fine a culprit who has no idea what fine-worthy crime he has committed (It is IAPWDOHFPWSBSB tradition to not inform the finees of their crime before they have actually committed it. No logical reason has been provided to explain this tradition. The most cohesive argument, and coincidentally the one with the least amount of swearing, is no longer than 2 words and doesn't say anything else but that 'it's tradition'.)
While it is wholly possible that Vogon fanfiction could pose as the anomaly that is Earth fanfiction, the reading of which does the body no ill, it is wholly improbable that a large, slugbrained, bloody-minded, petty, vindictive, and generally unpleasant bureaucrat that is a Vogon could ever do anything in their entire existence that doesn't deal physical damage to its beholders.
And that's why you have to put this fish in your ear.