Walking Under Water

At lunch you decide to go eat with the others even though you told Tori you wouldn't. You drop your books of at your locker and then make your way to the asphalt cafe. But as you walk around the corner to get to your usual table you see something that makes you stop. Beck is sitting at the table. For a moment you're confused. Tori had told you Beck wasn't gonna be at school today and you hadn't seen him at your Theater history class, so you thought she had been right, but then why was he sitting at your table eating lunch?

You don't know what to do, so you just stand there staring at the back of his head till Tori catches your eyes from the other side of the table. She looks apologetic at you and is just about to get up from her seat to go talk to you, but you turn around and runs back into the school. You don't wanna talk to her or have the others notice you.

You run into the girls' bathroom and is relieved to see that no one else is in there. You walk to your usual stall and throw your bag on the floor, before sitting down on the toilet lid. Why did Beck have be there? You make your right hand into fist and hit it against the inside of your bruised left knee. A painful half scream leaves your month, before your hand comes up to cover it. You take in a few deep breathes and then you hit yourself again. You bite down on your lower lip hard keep your screams in. This hurts so much more then cutting and that's way you do it. Also, it doesn't leave a scar. You press your eyes closely together and mentally prepare yourself for another hit, but then the door to the bathroom opens and you hear a group of girls walk in. One wearing purple ballerinas, two wearing boots and one wearing white sneakers.

Annoyed you let your fist fall and you open your eyes. You hope they will leave soon, so you can get back to hurting yourself. You cringe at the thought and again you feel ashamed of what you're doing. And why are you even doing it? You don't get to think about it for long, because all of the sudden you hear your name mentioned in the girls' conversation.

"What?" the girl in the purple ballerinas asks.

"I said, 'did he mention Jade on your date'?"

Who is he and why would he talk about you on someones date, you think and a lean closer to the stall door to better hear what is said.

The girl laughs. "Of course not. You don't really mention your ex-girlfriend on a first date."

You freeze. She's talking about Beck. You almost don't believe what she is saying, but why would she lie? The girls talk some more about the date and you're thankful when they finally leave and you're able to breath normally without having to worry about them noticing you. But you can't breath normally. You start breathing faster and faster and it scares you. You leave the bathroom stall and walk up to the sink. You look at yourself in the mirror. Your face is more pale then usual and you notice that your hands are shaking. You lean forward over the sink and squeeze the edge of it tightly. You try gasping for air, but it doesn't reach your lungs properly and your chest starts to hurt. You don't understand what is happening to you and you feel tears making there way down your checks.

You are just about to start freaking out, but then someone is slowly lifting your arms of the table and over her head. You look up and in the mirror you can see Tori standing behind you, holding your arms. Your eyes meet and you wanna say something, but all that leaves your mouth is a low wheezing.

"Jade, you have to calm down," Tori says. "Try taking deep breaths."

You try breathing in deeply like she says, but it hurts so much that you would have collapsed on the floor if Tori hadn't been holding your arms up. "I... I can't," you stutter with a gasp once again and your head falls to your chest.

"Yes you can," Tori says, turning you around so you are standing face to face with her still holding your arms up. "Look at me, Jade," she says and you slowly rise your head. Tori is looking right into your eyes and you know that she can see the fear your feeling. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm here for you."

"What's happening to me?" You're able to say.

"You're having a panic attack, but it's going to be okay," Tori says with a researching smile. "You don't have to be afraid."

You nod your head slowly to show her that you understand. You try to take in more controlled breaths of air and after a moment the tight feeling in your chest slowly starts to disappears.

When you're finally able to breathe normally again, you start to cry. You let the tears fall that you have been holding back since the break up. The tears that you have made your body bleed, because you didn't know another way to let them out. Your mother has told you for as long as you can remember that only weak people cry and she wouldn't let you be weak. If she ever saw you cry she would yell at you and ask you if you wanna be weak, but right know you don't care and you don't mind when Tori wraps her arms around you as you cry. You're not crying like the time you showed up at Tori's doorstep after you broke up with Beck and wanted him back. This isn't a few half-hearted tears that are running down your checks. No, this time you're crying so hard your whole body is shaking. You hold tight on to Tori as your legs gives out and you sink to the floor together.

"Beck, he... he went on a date," you sob. "It has only been 7... 7 days."

"I know. I'm sorry," she says, stroking your hair again and again. When you stop crying Tori slowly lets her arms fall from around you like she is afraid that you might start again. But when you only sniffle a couple of times then she let go of you completely, but she shouldn't have done that. The moment she is no longer touching you it's like you realize was has just happened. You get up from the floor and walk to the stall where your bag is still lying. You throw it over you shoulder and quickly look at yourself in the mirror. You look like hell. Your hair is a mess and dark make-up is all over you face, but you don't care enough to do anything about it. You turn towards Tori. "If you ever tell anyone about this then I'm gonna make the rest of your life a living hell," you say coldly walking to the door. She looks back at you confuses, like she thinks this has changed something between the two of you. Like she thinks you have become friends. "We're not friends," you say and walk out, leaving her to sit alone on the bathroom floor.

There is still a few minutes left of the lunch break, so when you make your way through the school the halls are still empty and no one notice you sneak out to your car and drive off. You still have three classes left of the day, but you know that you won't be able to concentrate at all, so why attend them? Also, every person that decides to look at you, will be able to see that you have been crying. That you're not as strong and put together as you let everyone think you are. In other words: that you're weak. And you can't have that. It's weird, you think to yourself, that 15 minutes ago you didn't care about looking weak, but now you feel like it would be the end of the world.

The more think about that happened in the girls' bathroom the more angry you get with yourself. You know the panic attack wasn't your fault, but why did you have to break down like that? You get so mad that tears fills your eyes again and you have to stop the car. You hit the wheel with open hands. You don't wanna cry again. You lean over and get a pair of scissors out of the glove compartment.

You have never cut yourself with a pair of scissors before, but your bag is lying on the backseat of the car and you can't reach it, so this will have to do. You roll up your left sleeve and press the open blade against the skin of your arm, but you can't make yourself pull the scissor over your arm. Scissors are something you love. You can't use them for this.

You throw the scissors on the floor angrily.

You want this feeling of weakness, of hurt, of anger to go away. You wanna feel nothing and it has to be now! So you crawl over to the backseat of you car and quickly finds the paper knife in your bag. Pull down your pants, not caring that you are sitting in your car like this and that anyone walking by will be able to see you. You just need this. You pull over blade over your thigh, pressing it hard against your skin.

All emotions leaves your body and numbness is in stead spread through it as you watch the blood run down the sides of your thigh and onto the dark fabric of the backseat. You lean your head against the window and there are no longer tears in your eyes, just a small smile on your lips.

So much for not hurting yourself today.

*The drops of blood are a substitute for tears I cannot cry*