AUTHOR NOTE:

.I've always liked the idea of bad guys going shopping and watching TV. Because unless somebody is full on psychotic (like Yami Marik), they have to have human interests and moments of nonsensical, or just plain mundane behavior. Come on, even Voldemort must have taken a shit once in a while

For instance, in the show we see Bakura has a sarcastic sense of humor and I wanted to get that across. Like I said, this is AU so the things that haven't or have happened to the characters outside of canon are going to change how they behave. So while Bakura still has as similar personality, he's not so set on 'destroying the pharaoh' and is generally a lot less messed up.

Marik was more difficult because as much as I love the abridged series, I wanted him to have the characterization of the original series. I think the key personality change Marik will undergo is that because in this fic his dad was just an abusive asshole and it wasn't due to a life of isolation underground to protect the pharaoh, he has no one to blame except his aforementioned father. Also, not being lied to about the cause of his father's death and being sent to a normal school is obviously going to impact his personality, especially how he interacts with other people. We see in the series how Marik reacts when he first see's the motorcycles and the magazine and the television, so I imagine that in this fic, where he has always been exposed to these kind of things, he would be a massive pop-culture junkie.

A big thanks to: Becky, Hikari Kame, Alpha-Chives, KoiinuNe, Naomi, Amaris the Dark Mage, lady Alexas, Crazy-Queen-of-Games-In-Secret and lovemondotrasho. I hope Yami delivers you mountains of yaoi, whilst dancing naked around a pole covered in whipped cream ;O!

As Ryou got to know Bakura better, he decided that there was only one thing he could conclusively say about the man.

Bakura was a massive dick.

At first the lessons had started off as tender and apologetic, Bakura was gently guiding Ryou through the French curriculum and due to Ryou's shy nature he greatly benefited from this method of teaching. Unfortunately this gentleness didn't last long. Bakura's initial teaching style had only been a result of the previous guilt he had held because of his misconceptions about Ryou, guilt he got over pretty quickly.

Bakura got bored easily; he would roll his eyes and hit his head on the table - frustrated by Ryou's bad French. It wasn't that Ryou was a slow learner, quite the opposite really, but he just hadn't ever been able to grasp foreign languages. It was probably partially due to how badly he expressed himself in real life. If he could barely string two words together in Japanese, how was he supposed to do it in French? Over time this started to grate on the nerves of the older man, who often seemed only two incorrectly conjugated verbs away from punching Ryou in the face.

When the sessions had first begun Bakura would sit by Ryou and help him learn sheets of words, carefully correcting him on his pronunciation. Now he'd get up to make himself a sandwich, leaving Ryou to wade hopelessly through a sea of what looked like to him, unpronounceable jibber-jabber.

"Êtes-vous enceinte ?" Ryou stammered, he had decided a few lessons ago to drop any attempt at doing a French accent, after being mercilessly teased by Bakura and Marik for renting out the DVD of Beauty and the Beast and trying to replicate the way the talking candlestick spoke. Peppe le pue's dialect hadn't worked either.

"Good, now what does that mean?" Bakura asked, cutting two slices of bread off a loaf and placing them on the counter where he was standing.

"Are you…a cornflake?" Ryou finished lamely, burying his head in the desk in shame as Bakura stared on incredulously.

"It's a good thing you're pretty," Marik's plummy voice carried over from the sofa, causing Ryou to smile despite himself. Marik, had remained very kind to Ryou during his time at the apartment, a vast contrast to the biting ridicule of the easily irritated Bakura. Whilst he was grateful for Marik's presence around the apartment, he couldn't help but find it weird that he was always there, sitting on the sofa yelling hopelessly at tealevonas and bad reality TV. He didn't seem to have a job and whilst it had been mentioned in passing that he used to do a course at the Ryou's University, he certainly wasn't going there anymore. Ryou had once tried to enquire into why Marik had left the course, but the question had been fiercely shot down by Bakura and Ryou wisely vowed never to ask again.

It was difficult to get any information out of either man, Marik because he would evade the question with humor and Bakura, because asking the white haired man anything even remotely personal seemed like a death wish. That said, one of the few things Ryou had managed to deduce was that Bakura and Marik were not dating. Ryou was still very attracted to Bakura and as frightening as he found the man, he couldn't help feel a pang of delight in learning that Bakura was single. In many ways it was the elder man's voice, a husky baritone that could go from a fierce demand, to a velvety whisper in an instant.

"Hey Marik, Ryou, do you guys want a sandwich?" Bakura asked loudly, shattering Ryou's chain of thought (using a tone that incidentally fell into the first category.)

"No thank you," Ryou said softly, feeling his face redden.

"No Carlos no!" Marik screamed at the television melodramatically.

"Marik. Marik." Bakura paused for a second, to see if Marik was taking even the blindest bit of notice. He seemed unsurprised to find that he was not, taking in a large breath of air before bellowing… "MARIK!"

"What?" Marik's eyes were still on the television.

"Would you like a sandwich?"

"Have we got pastrami?"

"We have ham." Marik groaned a sound which seemed to irritate Bakura who continued. "Or would you rather have a nice big plate of go fuck yourself?" Marik looked like he was about to declare that that was exactly what he'd like, but seeing the dangerous look forming in Bakura's eyes clearly thought better of the idea.

"I'd settle for some Count Chocula" Marik finally responded, turning away from Bakura, his rich lavender eyes glued to the small television screen.

"You bought more of that imported America crap?" Bakura sounded really irritated. He grimaced looking at Ryou, probably wishing to say more to Marik but unwilling to do so in front of his tutee. He gave a heavy sigh. "You can eat it, but I ain't making it for you." Marik looked up, aghast at the idea of tearing himself away from his beloved program.

"But Bakura, Carlos is going to propose!"

"Why does that stop you making your own cereal?"

"Because she's sleeping with his brother Jose." Marik said impassioned, as if this somehow explained his point. Bakura just sighed.

"But I thought he loved Sandra?"

"I thought you hated this show?"

"Fuck off." Marik laughed,

"Fine, fine I'll go hungry till the shows over. Cor, you'd make a terrible housewife Bakura." Marik gave Bakura a good-natured laugh before turning back to his show.

The show Marik was watching was full of loud, well-endowed woman speaking in a language Ryou vaguely recognized as Spanish. After the program had finished Marik let out a wistful sigh and joined the other two men in the kitchen.

"Ahh French! The language of love." Marik began to do a strange whimsical dance to himself, fluttering over to Bakura who pointedly ignored him. "Je vis d'amour et d'eau douce," Marik declared exaggeratedly. Ryou slumped over the table in defeat, unable to even pretend he understood what Marik was saying.

Fortunately Bakura saw this and took pity on Ryou, "Maybe I should teach him to say 'spray-tanned dolt?"

"How dare you!" "My tan is as real as…" Began Marik, indignantly.

"The biology professor's chest?" Bakura cut him off. Ryou smiled Professor Valentines' 'assets' were legendary, even outside of the science department.

"I don't understand why you don't just show him the Moulin Rouge, that'll teach him all the French he needs!"

"I don't think the ability to pick up floosy can-can girls constitutes as fluency."

Marik seemed to ignore this thought as he began singing, "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir, Voulez vous coucher avec moi" tunelessly putting cereal into a bowl.

Bakura gave a short of derision and masked an amused smile; Ryou just looked awkwardly at the ground and waited for Bakura to continue.

Seto Kaiba wasn't just unhappy, he was psychotically enraged. He licked the tip of his finger and turned another page of the newspaper, just one of an enormous stack piled upon his desk. Kaiba was a man who liked to keep his personal life personal, and for the most part he succeeded in this. He was not, he told himself, anything like that preening peacock Zigfried. Zigfried Von Schroeder was the CEO of SchroederCorp, KaibaCorps company rival, a pink haired man who dressed in lavish clothes and dominated the celebrity media with what they described as his 'sexscapades'. Kaiba loathed the idea of anyone prying into his personal life, an aversion likely created from the intrusive media swarm and rumors following his stepfather's death. So when he saw his brother's picture splattered athwart the front page of several national newspapers he decided something needed to be done.

'Joy riding delinquent' 'Mokuba - The Kaiba family's secret bad boy. 'The headlines had been piling up for days now. If Kaiba was being truthful with himself the articles could have been far more brutal in what they wrote, if anything they painted Mokuba as a teenage rebel. Not an image Kaiba necessarily wanted associated with the company, but it didn't appear to be especially harmful either.

If anything it actually seemed to be having a positive effect.

Several girls' magazines had asked the company if they could have an interview with Mokuba. Whilst Kaiba had sneered at the mere thought of it at first, he had later been informed that the previously almost non-existent demographic of Japanese teenage girls, that bought KaibaCorps products had shot up by about 5%. Not only did this appeal to Kaiba as a businessman, but it seemed that Mokuba himself wasn't unhappy about the attention, quite the opposite actually. He had earlier that week caught him cutting off the sleeves of several shirts and just last night found flexing his muscles and practicing a smile in the bathroom mirror. Moreover, when he had shut down the requests of the girls magazines to do the interviews Mokuba had seemed upset and it had eventually transpired that he had actually wanted to do them. Reluctantly Kaiba had relented and allowed him to do an interview for a popular American tabloid, reasoning that if it was foreign it would infringe less on their personal lives (he had also made Mokuba solemnly agree to a strict set of regulations on what he could and could not talk about). Over the first few days following the interview, the percent of American girls buying KaibaCorps products had doubled.

This was what angered Kaiba the most… that despite his best efforts to shield himself and Mokuba from the media spotlight they had not escaped it and even more frustratingly it seemed to be working in the company's favor.

That said he was still trying to track down the slime ball who photographed him and Joey in the alley. Whilst he hadn't found the story in the papers thus far, with the families newfound place in the limelight he couldn't imagine it would be long until that photo appeared somewhere. Kaiba groaned, rubbing his temples, Mokuba's newfound 'bad boy' image might not be bad for the company, but he couldn't see 'abusive boss' having quite the same effect.

Kaiba hadn't spoken to Joey since their argument. He had found out from Mokuba that Joey's sister was having problems with her eyesight and that her chances of recovery weren't looking good. Whilst usually unsympathetic towards the problems of others, Kaiba couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for Joey, the thought of anything like that happening to Mokuba too painful to even contemplate. As a result he had not pursued Joey any further about his role in Mokuba's misdemeanor and had instead opted to avoid speaking to him, his anger about the incident and his aggravation towards Joey strong enough that he felt that if he even attempted to comfort his tenant, he would probably end up pushing him down the stairs.

Despite this Kaiba had afforded a few luxuries to try and make the next few days a little easier for Joey. Whilst the ingredients were usually pre-provided Joey had previously been expected to cook his own food, however Kaiba had paid the staff extra to have meals readily prepared and had the company's chauffeurs stay on site and take shifts just in case there was an emergency and Joey needed to get to the hospital.

This uncharacteristically thoughtful behavior was followed by something even more unexpected in the gossip section of a small woman's magazine:

"Seto Kaiba's secret affair - Lovers spat in an alley."

Well, that wasn't what he had been expecting.

Mokuba himself hadn't been displeased with the press coverage. Whilst he had remained apologetic towards his elder brother, genuinely upset that he had caused him so much trouble; he also couldn't help but feel pleased at the female attention the story had bought him. He had made up a lie to the chauffeur about a school trip and given half the class a joyride in one of the KaibaCorp limos, not only had it been pretty fun but it had certainly raised his profile amongst his peers.

Despite a few harsh words from his brother, he hadn't really gotten into that much trouble. Seto had gifted the school a new set of high-tech computers to ensure that Mokuba didn't face any serious repercussions, and the press had treated his mishap with what could almost be described as amused admiration. It had been kind of surreal really, the teacher interviewed (Alistair - a strange redheaded man with a crop top fetish), had sensationalized the whole story, acting like this was a fairly typical for Mokuba and affectionately dubbing him the class rebel. Mokuba thought ruefully about how this was a big change from the 'sweet but mousey' character that had been described on his school report. In fact, the only real downside to the whole incident had been that the one person Mokuba had truly hoped to impress seemed decidedly un-amused by the entire turn of events.

Rebecca appeared little more than irritated by the whole episode. She had refused a ride in the KaibaCorp limo and although she hadn't ratted out those that did take part, Mokuba had heard her complain about 'spoilt rich boys' the very next day (sure the complaint had been to a teddy, but hey, it still hurt.') She had also made some rather scathing remarks in class about the papers and magazines that had chosen to run the story, which further agitated Mokuba who had managed to sweet talk his brother into letting him do an interview for 'J-14', an American magazine that he knew was widely read in Japan and popular amongst the other girls in his class. When he thought about it, he supposed Rebecca's reaction was understandable. Her entrance into the school had been from a scholarship as opposed to money or connections like the other students and so she had to work hard every year just to remain at the school and hence tended to react badly to others she perceived to be 'squandering their education'.

Nevertheless his reputation had dramatically improved and he had found himself surrounded by many people (lots of of whom, to his great delight were girls) that had previously ignored him, now desperate to be his friend. As the brother of Seto Kaiba, he had never had problems with bullying (not only was he rich, but everyone was aware of Seto's infamous temper, army of Harvard lawyers and links with the special services). Unfortunately Mokuba himself was a little awkward, the restrictive nature of his upbringing with Gozaburo and later the fierce protectiveness of his brother, leading him to mature emotionally a little later than normal. So although the high-profile of his adopted family prevented him from becoming the victim of any malice or unpopularity, he had spent most of his school life with only few friends. And so it goes without saying that this new found popularity went a little bit to his head.

That hadn't even been the strangest thing to happen to Mokuba during the week. Later that evening, whilst scanning the papers looking for more stories about himself he had come across something very bizarre:

"Seto with…Joey?" He thought for a second before shrugging, "I guess that makes sense."

Joey's week had been terrible. It had started with a phone call from his sister who informed him that she was experiencing frequent blackouts and was now undergoing tests to see if this was going to become permanent. Serenity had had bad eyesight since the two of them were kids and thanks to his dads drinking problem his family had never been able to afford the surgery necessary to have it fixed. This was one of the main reasons his parents had divorced and why Joey had been left alone with his father. Whilst his mother couldn't afford the Surgery with her salary alone, if she only had to support herself and Serenity she could afford some of the alternative medicinally based treatments. So Joey had been left behind. Alone.

In many ways it felt like he was reliving moments from his past, finding out Serenity was to go blind and remaining completely helpless to do anything. He had been on edge all week; he had skipped nearly all of his classes and had lashed out at his friends. Serenity had spent the week undergoing a number of tests and whilst she hadn't had any results back yet, the doctors didn't seem optimistic. Joey felt useless, he was Serenity's big brother, he was supposed to protect her. To his mind he hadn't been there for her when they children and he couldn't't protect her now. He felt worthless. One of the main reasons he had chosen to go to university, was that with a degree he figured he could get a higher paid job. Joey wasn't academic, hell, he hated school. But all of his mum's money was going towards the current treatment and any work he could currently hope to get had no hope of covering the surgery costs. To his mind this course would give him the opportunity to be the big brother he had promised to be and to do something right for a change. But if the results of these tests came back negatively then there would be little anyone could do, he would have failed again and seriously. That was Joey's worst fear.

Whilst it had never been enough to fix Serenity's eyesight, the problem had become manageable with the medicine his mum had been paying for. The doctors did say that her body would become immune to the treatment eventually; but over the course of a few decades, not now. If she had become immune to the treatment already, then that meant without the corrective surgery she would begin to go blind.

His friends were being supportive as possible, that helped. Yugi for all his small size was an emotional strong-hold. He had quietly assured Joey that whatever happened, he would be there for him and that whether the results were good or bad, they would face them together. Tea had been helping too, taking time off from her lectures to stay with him whilst Tristan was at work. She had been looking with him at different methods of medical treatment for if the worst happened. Whilst nothing they found could be used as a permanent solution, they might find something help to delay Serenity's condition until the Surgery could be afforded. And then there was Tristan. Tristan had stayed up the night with Joey, letting him talk honestly about his fears; Tristan went to work beaten by tiredness, only to sit with Joey for as long as he needed the very next night. Tristan and Joey had known each other for years and there was an unspoken bond between them, a silent vow of support for whenever the other one should need it. Joey just hoped he could do the same for him someday.

The only other person whom Joey had spoken too was Mokuba who, as he was still supposed to be living in Kaiba's flat and was still changing and eating there for the most part, Joey was still obligated to visit. When Joey had told Mokuba about his sister he had clearly found the discussion a little uncomfortable, but afterwards he had tried his hardest to appear reassuring and even seemed to have arranged some financial aid for Joey. At the very least he appeared to have spoken to the staff because after that day meals had been ready readily prepared for him and he had been informed a chauffeur would be ready to drive him to the hospital in the case of an emergency. Joey was touched by Mokuba's kindness; especially in the face of the trouble he caused him and his brother. He was honestly surprised he hadn't been fired on the spot, especially after he had seen that morning's newspapers (the idea of Mokuba as a bad boy was so surreal that it made Joey chuckle a little, despite himself). Elder Kaiba hadn't been speaking to him - he wasn't surprised, rich boy had never given a shit about anyone other than himself and his brother. It stung a little, but it was still far too trivial for Joey to get mad over, he had much more important things to worry about.

Joey gave a small sigh of despair, before lifting himself off the wall and beginning his walk home, the dull grey sky now a back drop for harsh lines of torrential rain. Joey thought bitterly of how the weather always seemed to want to replicate his mood. He vaguely remembered Tea talking about it at some point, according to her it was called 'the pathetic something.' 'Well,' he thought, 'the word pathetic certainly seems fitting'. He racked his brain, clumsily trying to wipe the hair out of his eyes, which was currently splayed over his forehead, matted together in the wet.

He thought for a while, concentrating desperately, to try, just for a second to take his mind off his sister. "Fallacy! The pathetic fallacy," he said after a few minutes pumping a fist at his victory "Maybe ol' Joey Wheeler aint as stupid as they all think."

"I'd beg to differ dweeb?" A slow condescending drawl filled the air, and Joey suddenly became aware of a large presence behind him. He turned around - it was Bandit Keith.

Yugi, was really worried about Joey. When he heard the news about Joey's sister all his previous worries about the upcoming essay vanished, dwarfed by Joey's own fears of his sister losing her sight. It was difficult to know what to do to comfort Joey. Yugi hadn't experienced much loss in his life and so he felt anything he might say would appear contrived and artificial, so instead he offered Joey his time if ever he wanted it and tried to give him as much room to talk as he could. Tea had done much of the same thing, having even skipped one of professor Yami's lessons to stay with him whilst Tristan (whom Joey was currently spending most of his nights with) was at work.

Obviously Yugi didn't regret spending most of that week with Joey, but that didn't stop him wishing he could have worked for longer on his history essay. The limited time he'd had to write it had undoubtedly had an impact on the quality of his writing and rereading it Yugi could say with miserable certainty that it wasn't his best work. Which is why when he sat down in class on the day of the results, he was filled was a heavy feeling of dread.

The trip it transpired, was an opportunity for students to sample a taste at the archaeological aspect of history. They were visiting Luxor, the modern city previously known as Thebes, that stood opposite the west bank of the Nile where The Valley of the Kings is situated. It was also, Tea noted longingly, home to some pretty fabulous beaches. This observation seemed to strike a chord with many of the girls in the class who suddenly found extra incentive at the prospect of professor Yami shirtless, (or as Tea envisioned it, professor Yami wet and shirtless).

Said professor was today, on top of the usual inordinate amount of leather he wore, also sporting a large spiky belt, causing Yugi to mentally liken him to a dominatrix. Seriously what BSMD fetish store did this guy shop at? He turned to Tea, who for once was not looking at the sassy leather clad professor, she had her eyes tightly fixed on the desk, her fingers were crossed and she appeared to be mouthing the words 'Yami in a Speedo. Yami in a Speedo. Yami in a Speedo. Yami in a Speedo,' over and over again.

Yugi sighed a little jealously, remembering the time he had borrowed his Grandpas old banana-hammock on one of the gangs trips to the beach and how Tea had teased him. Although to be fair the pants had been bright yellow spandex and thanks to being a late comer to puberty and the freezing cold water, his 'beef whistle' (a name Tristan had lovingly bestowed upon it), looked more like a shrivelled chipolata, the shape of it engrained like a fossil to the front of the tight material. Of course that was a few years ago and Yugi's 'one eyed wonder muscle (that one was Joey's)' was now as impressive as anyone's. He would just have to find a way to show Tea how much his body had matured. He recoiled a little, adding mentally that he would do so in a way that didn't seem as perverted.

He ran his hands over his face in despair. Was it really any wonder Tea didn't fancy him?

As if to give validation to Yugi's fear, Tea clasped her hands together, barely disguising a squeal, she had scored eighth in the class. Yugi then remembered what Yami had said about only the top ten students being permitted to come on the trip and sighed. Similar groans were heard from girls many of whom had already bought new bathing suits to impress Professor Yami and from the boys in the class who had hoped to see the girls in said costumes (and some who lusted after professor Yami themselves).

Yugi silently prayed as Yami placed the marked essay backwards on his desk 'Tea in a bikini. Tea in a bikini. Tea in a bikini. Tea in a -'He took a deep breath and turned over his paper.

Yugi had come thirteenth.

.I want to make the point that I LOVE Thiefshipping, but this fic isn't a Thiefshipping fic. I want to explore the facets of a platonic Bakura/Marik relationship.

But I am currently working on a '50 Shades of Grey Parody' – '50 Shades Of Thiefshipping.' That'll be coming out with a bunch of other stuff sometime next month. Although, the next chapter of this one should hopefully be out before then!

.Je vis d'amour et d'eau douce is 'you drive me crazy in French."

."Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir, Voulez vous coucher avec moi" – Is 'will you go to bed with me tonight?'

. "Êtes-vous enceinte ?" is 'Are you pregnant?'

If you review Marik will let you spit-shine his 'rod' ;).

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