|Monokuro no Ai
Author: enRei PM
The first time a feeling of need, want and love evoked in Sasuke happened to be during his 29th summer; and even though the question of a gender wasn't the real problem, one still existed. And it took the look of the broken and empty shadow of a man for whom he fell. Beware the AU, OOC, crime, character death & one-sided ? NaruSasu.Rated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Romance - Naruto U. & Sasuke U. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,170 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 04-26-12 - Published: 04-22-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8050679
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of the stupid things in here, except the plot.
Have you ever regretted falling in love?
Looking back at my life, my past experiences rather, I can't do anything but wonder. What if I had done things the other way? What would have had happened if instead of turning right, I turned left? Would today be different? Would it be better? Would this nothingness inside of me be filled, would this constant and un-durable heartache be replaced with love, happiness?
But that is all I can do, wonder. No man has ever invented a time-machine that will grant an individual his wishes of a change, none the less mine.
I used to think so, I truly believed the world rotated around me; that my every single whim will be fulfilled, or there will be consequences to pay. And why not; I'm intelligent than most of people in this world, have more money than I'll ever need, I can put Hollywood actor to shame with my looks and have been blessed with a loving family.
My father has raised my brother and I to be his successors, both in business and life; we never missed a thing in our childhood. Our mother made sure to give us things as affection and feelings, the only thing he couldn't teach us. My days with them are made of nothing but joy and love.
In my early teens I started seeking the different kind of affection out of our home; girls and boys alike would seek my company just so that they could look at me. I was an idol in my home-town, a dreamy neighborhood boy, a prince-charming in a black Mercedes rather than a horse. And I loved it; in every single second they spent admiring me I bathed.
This didn't change through-out the years; I was still a man from dreams for everybody and it still brought me joy to be loved so. My family's boost of self-confidence only helped.
I had many friends, for everybody wanted a piece of me. Though, only a selected few I trusted and those were consisted of Sakura, a pink-haired beauty that went to the same kindergarten as me, Suigetsu, a b bad boy I met in my high-school and Kakashi, my college teacher. The three of them wore proud positions of being my best and most valuable friends.
Everything was good; I was working in my father's company as its VP, I regularly hang around with the three and changed my lovers like socks. I being bi only fueled public's wishes to be with me. The only thing that never came to me was love, but I never minded it. I was young, too young for I think, to ever think about it.
Then my life took 180 degrees turn, never to be same again; wanting or not, love has found me. And it came so suddenly that when it went away, it only left darkness.
My name is Sasuke Uchiha and this is the story of my first and most painful love.
The day that changed my life was ordinary, just like any other; I woke up entangled in my current lover's body, sent him away in tears and started my morning routine.
After I got ready- meaning brushed and dressed- I set out to work. I remember getting annoyed by something in the way, but now all that seems pointless. I truly believe everything from that day was leading me towards my father's office where I met a man which made my stomach, blood and heart do things I thought were impossible.
His name was Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto, and was the son of my father's childhood friend. From what I've gather from father, he was a carbon copy of his own father; they had the same disheveled blonde mop of hair, the same slightly tanned skin and the same sapphire eyes that shone with emotion. Just that his didn't; there was nothing in them but dullness. In the middle of my admiring I recall thinking how that grim face should be grace by only smile and nothing else; and I also remember I made a promise to myself to do so.
Naruto was visiting my father in order to tell him to stop with the letters; later I found out that father has been sending him letters, in hope of seeing the boy. Impassively and coldly, Naruto demanded of him to break it off; he wanted neither his mercy nor his time. I believe father was greatly hurt by that, as anyone would be; an Uchiha was giving you an opportunity to be near him, and you deny it? You had to be crazy to do something like that.
Nevertheless, Naruto stood his ground. After an hour of arguing, to which I admit was included, Naruto backed out and left. Leaving me wanting to find about him more.
It took me a month to gather my wits and courage and confess to myself that I was romantically interested in him; it still wasn't love, but if permitted it could grow. I stopped seeing other people, for I felt like a dirty cheater, even if I had no reason to feel so, when with somebody other than him. There wasn't a time when I didn't wonder about him; was he alright, how soft would his lips feel on mine, was something awakening in him towards me, will I be given a chance to start something…
It was my brother, Itachi that stroke me on the head and told me to seek him. And I did, without a moment's notice. I found his address in father's computer and quickly grabbed my car keys; my destination was a small town not that away from ours.
It didn't pass too smoothly; when I found him he was still stuck up on not seeing anybody from our family. It took me a bloody nose to get him to acknowledge me as a friend, at least.
For the next few months I was living in a hotel, lazing around until I knew he was free to go and see him. The rest of the day was spent enjoying my time with him over lunch and dinner, talking. Naruto was funny when out of his shell, though a little bit secretive. Even if he never said so, I did feel like his mistress at times. We were always hiding when together, even if it was just a friendly outgoing. This lead to me falling more and more; before I noticed it, I was sickly and un-reversibly in love with him. Whenever I looked at him, my heart thumped, my blood was on fire and I could easily feel those stupid butterflies in my stomach.
Everything was good for a while; I've hidden away my feelings, frightened that if he ever found out, I would be driven out of his life. And I could've never stood that, I truly believed that if he chose to close off our friendship, I would've died.
The first time I came to his apartment, on a dinner date, I couldn't help but notice a single picture. On it, there were a red-headed woman, a beauty, and a small child. They were smiling so brightly that both my eyes and heart hurt. Naruto, who was standing behind me, told me they were his family; his wife Karin and their little boy Gaara.
A small portion of me that was hoping he was gay, or at least Bi, smashed down to earth quickly. For, when he talked about them, he smiled. It was a small, sad smile, but still a one. There was no doubt; Naruto's heart was seized by them a long time ago.
Then, he proceeded to tell me what happened to them; more than three years ago, they were both killed by a car accident. A bus driver ran over them, killing his son instantly while his wife died an hour later in the hospital she worked in. I was hit with a wave of sadness so great I didn't know what to say. So I hugged him; I embraced him and told him that if he ever felt like breaking down, I will be there for him. His quietness should have been my first indicator to the reality; he was already broken, torn beyond repair. Not even my love, no matter how great and pure it was, could heal the battered body he resided in.
But I didn't know that then and I truly believed I could help him; that I was the one who would bring him back to light. I started showing my feelings more, thinking it was what he needed; a gentle tug on his arm, the light, feathery kisses on his forehead, the sweet nothings directed to his heart. He never stopped me, he never told me it was all in vain; the first time I kissed him, pouring all my feelings into it, he barely responded. We started spending more and more time together, snuggling in his apartment, me holding him while he rested… When I said I wanted to make love to him, he complied. That night he gave me his body, touched me in all the right ways; he made me feel like I was in Heaven, both body and heart.
It took time, but I noticed that no matter how many times I made love to him he didn't; to Naruto it was just sex. So I tried even harder; I took him out in the open more, used all the little romance tips I had, I made love to him even gentler and softer, always demanding on a useless cuddling- a thing I never did with anybody- just so that he could answer my need, my want, my love.
It was all in vain, for nothing worked. He was still passive, which hurt me deeply. And I confronted him; asked him what I am to him and does he even love me.
The words he said next felt like a knife plunged through my chest: 'I can't I cannot feel anything but agony.' I didn't understand I really didn't; after all I gave to him, my heart and soul on a silver platter, he didn't respond? I wanted to scream, to yell, I wanted to demand of him to tell me it is a lie. He shushed me and told me to listen. I did just that, sat next to him and listened to his life story.
When he finished he looked at me and I felt awful; in his eyes there was no life, no sign of awareness. The man standing before me, the man I loved, the man I dreamt about, was dead; gone and unreachable for the world and me. Only then did I realize what he really was, a lifeless puppet, a body without a soul, a person without a purpose. Unfeeling and untouchable for me was Naruto.
And I cried, for the first time in my life I cried; sobbed miserably about the unfairness of it all. He, Naruto, held me. He rocked me like a little baby, asking me to forgive him; but to what? It wasn't his fault, none of it. There was only one person to blame for what he became and no matter what I do, the damage was un-reversible.
I left him; I couldn't stand to be near him anymore. I couldn't cope with looking at his bright blue eyes every day, knowing that behind them there was no heart that will ever beat for me. I went back to my old life, fully well knowing that even though his touches were unfeeling, there will never be a man or a woman that could make my body burn like he did.
Two years later a message arrived. In it was a latter from an officer Hatake telling me that on a March 19th, Uzumaki Naruto died from a blood loss, after being shot six times. I was shocked and stunned by the news and could trust my eyes; I thought they surely were kidding. Naruto couldn't die, he simply couldn't. I needed him, he was the sole reason I existed; it wasn't important we were separated, and that he didn't love me. All I needed to survive was him and him only.
The envelope consisted of a short note from Naruto himself, written shortly before his death. It consisted of few sentences.
'Orochimaru is nearing, my time will come soon. I'm sorry Sasuke, I'm so sorry for what I've caused you, but it was the only way to keep you safe. I don't want more people dying because of me. I just want to tell you that if, by chance, my life wasn't ruined by him that I would certainly love you. I want you to know that even if it was futile, I loved being loved by you. '
That day my world went to pieces; along with Naruto, traces of my heart were destroyed. I could not ever forgive myself from leaving him alone; if I was there, if I pretended not to see his real self, that he would be alive. Thinking that if I just stayed a little bit longer that I could've helped him. No matter how useless my love was, my body could've protected him!
I regret falling in love with him. Because I only miss him more and more each day; reminiscing our happier days, re-reading the letter again and again because it's the only thing I have of him. I am still standing on the same spot he left me, only angrier, sadder and more useless. I'm waiting for him to come to me, to hold me, kiss me and tell me it's gonna be alright. Only to realize that he's gone, forever gone, some place when even my hands cannot reach him.
Do tell, I want to know.
Have you ever regretted falling in love? For it is anguish.
A/N: OK, so this was not that in-depth as I would liked it to be. But it is what you get. This story is complete and even if you beg on your knees, offering me Naru-chan bathed in cheesecake, I will not give in. But you are welcomed to share your thoughts on this little piece of artwork; I just adore seeing the review page filled.