|Nothing But A Heartache
Author: blacksouledbutterfly PM
While hosting a party for all the old glee club members Rachel finds Puck, her boyfriend, kissing Quinn, his ex-girlfriend.Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Angst - Rachel B. & Puck - Words: 2,693 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 7 - Published: 05-06-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8092653
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Rachel supposes it's partially her fault. Well, it's at least a little bit at fault. Maybe about five percent because she's the one who decided that she, well they should host the little reunion at their place in New York. So, she's sort of the reason that the situation had a chance to arise. But that's the only part that's her fault. The rest of it is all on him. Well, on them. So maybe that makes her even less than five percent responsible. Maybe that puts her at about one percent responsible. Who knows? Maybe somehow even less than that.
The reunion party was going pretty well. She was trying to make sure everyone had a good time, was playing the good hostess and everything. She tried so hard to be a good friend and make sure that everyone had enough food and enough to drink. She did everything in her power to make sure they were all happy.
Somewhere along the line she lost track of her boyfriend though which she isn't sure about how that happened since there weren't that many people there and the apartment wasn't all that big. But one second he was in sight and then the next thing she knew she was talking to one of the guests before he just vanished.
It's not that she was worried when she saw he wasn't in sight. She knew he could take care of himself. He had always been able to take care of himself. And she doubted he left the apartment so worrying? Yeah, it wasn't something she was doing. Not even close. But that didn't mean that she liked that she couldn't find him. Or, well, see him.
So, yeah, she went looking for him but he's her boyfriend. Why wouldn't she go looking for him? It wasn't a bad thing to go looking for him, to make sure that he was alright and that he was having a good time. So she said her goodbyes to Kurt, or to be more accurate she excused herself and then she went looking for Noah.
She found him in their spare bedroom where he had put all of the coats and the purses. The door was partially open and she found him in the room but he wasn't alone. She didn't know what would happen, that she'd find him with someone else. And she found him there with Quinn Fabray. And they were kissing.
She isn't sure what sound she made but they both looked at her. They both turned their heads to look at her. Noah's face sort of fell so she guessed she either looked sad or angry. She's not sure now which she looked.
She hadn't thought something like that would happen. She knew that Quinn and Sam had broken up again but that didn't mean she thought that anything would ever happen between them. Why would something happen between Quinn and Noah? They hadn't seen each other in a very long time and Noah and Quinn were together for a long while, too.
She didn't think that Quinn and Sam being broken up would mean that her boyfriend would end up kissing his ex-girlfriend, the girl who he had a child with sophomore year. He knew they'd always have some sort of a reaction to each other. They would always have a connection because of Beth. But she never thought it would get to that point. Why would it after that long?
All she knew was that she threw the glass in her hand at them and it hit the wall, shattered. It didn't hit either of them though which was good. She was glad for that because she may have been pissed at them but it didn't mean she wanted to actually hurt them. Well, she sort of did but that didn't mean she wanted to actually get them all cut up with glass. But it did serve its dramatic purpose. At least the music at the party was loud enough that people didn't hear the damn glass breaking.
So, now she's locked in their bedroom, hers and Noah's though she doesn't really know if she wants to consider it that anymore since she just saw him kissing another girl. She's locked in there sitting on the bed contemplating ripping half of his clothes to shreds so that she could get her frustration out. But she doesn't want to do that because that's too cliché and too petty even for her. And she's normally not worried about being dramatic but still.
Noah has come about three times already to knock on the door but she hasn't let him in. she hasn't even spoken to him through the door. She has nothing to say to him. She just saw him kissing another woman. What would there be for her to say except to curse him out and call him a total bastard and tell him that they're over? It's all pretty much implied. If she wasn't mad at him then she wouldn't be hiding out in the bedroom the way she is.
She just wants to stay in there as long as she can, at least until she has to go out and play the good hostess again, say goodbye to all of their friends. Then she can just lock herself back in her room and try to get some sleep. She's not sure how much sleep she'll actually get given everything that's going on, given what she just saw. But she knows that no matter what she won't let the others know what's wrong. She'll go out there and play hostess and bid them all goodbye. It's just what she has to do. But for the time being she wants to hide away in the bedroom and pretend Noah and Quinn don't exist.
That's why she hates when she hears the damn door open. She should have known Noah would find a way to pick a lock. His whole teenage life was pretty much all about juvenile delinquency. She should have known that he could pick a lock. She just wasn't thinking. So she groans rather loudly and curls up in a little ball as she lies down on the bed, tries to hide herself underneath the sheets.
"Come on, babe. Don't do that." God, she hates that she can hear his voice. She doesn't want to hear his voice. She wants him to leave her alone so she can wallow in the knowledge that her boyfriend was just kissing another girl, his ex-girlfriend, the woman who had his child and gave her up for adoption. She doesn't think that's too much to ask for.
"Go away." It should be obvious that she doesn't want him there, that she wants him to leave, that she wants him to go away. Why wouldn't she want that? He cheated on her. And with Quinn. He has always known there have been issues for her with insecurity where Quinn is concerned. Quinn is beautiful and she's basically been with every guy she's ever had feelings for. It makes things so very hard for her. And Noah has known that for a long, long time.
"Rach, you know I can't do that."
"I don't want you here."
"I live here."
"Don't remind me." She doesn't need the reminder that he's her live-in boyfriend and that she just got hurt by him because he had to kiss his ex-girlfriend. It's not something she wants to deal with. She knows she has to but she'd rather wait until the pain of everything that happened isn't as stinging, isn't as fresh, isn't as severe. She doesn't understand why he can't just leave her alone. At least for then. He can bother her later if he feels like he has to.
"Rachel, babe, come on. Talk to me. Or at least look at me."
"The only reason I'm going to look at you is to throw something at you."
"Look, I know you're mad. But you have to talk to me. Let me try to explain."
"Explain? What is there to explain? You were kissing Quinn. I think that pretty much explains itself."
"No, it doesn't. Rach, come on. Just look at me."
She's been trying to hard not to cry but she just can't really seem to stop herself. Not with the way she's feeling. She feels so hurt and betrayed and disappointed that she can't stop herself from crying no matter how hard she tries. So by the time she's sitting up she has to wipe her eyes so she doesn't look a complete mess. It smears her eye makeup all across her face but she really doesn't care. She can fix it when she needs to go back out and say goodbye to everyone. "I don't want to talk to you."
"Rach, you have to listen to me." She refuses to meet his eyes though so he just takes her face between his palms and turns her to look at him. "Babe, I didn't kill her. She kissed me."
"And you didn't stop her. I saw you kissing her."
"She was upset," he protests and Rachel rolls her because what kind of an excuse is that? It's a really, really lame one actually. Who kisses someone other than their girlfriend just because the other person is upset? "Look, listen, we were talking about her and Sam. And she was really upset and she was down on herself about a whole lot of shit. And she was saying all this stupid shit about how she was never good enough and how no guy ever wants her. And I said that guys do want her. And she just kissed me."
Rachel just watches him for a couple of seconds, watches him like she's not sure whether or not she should believe him and she really doesn't. Not entirely, at least. Because why would he let her kiss him? It doesn't make any sense. "And you kissed her back."
"I did." He doesn't exactly sound ashamed but he doesn't sound upset about it either. She's not sure how to describe how she feels in that moment with the way he doesn't seem to feel bad for cheating on her.
"You still love her." She's certain of that in that moment. She's absolutely positive that a part of him still loves her. Otherwise why would he do that? Why would he risk everything they had just to kiss her back? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
"Yes. No. Maybe. Just a little." He lets go of her face so he can run a hand over his because he isn't even sure what he's saying at that moment. Well, he is. But at the same time he's not really sure because everything just seems off. He knows how he feels but at the same time he doesn't. Or at least he doesn't know how to explain it to her.
She turns away from him though because he just told her that he still loves the girl who he knocked up sophomore year. That's not what she wanted to hear. And sure, she had thought he may have feelings for Quinn still but she never thought he'd actually confirm it. Being told she was right about that was like a punch to the gut.
"Look, a part of me? Well, a part of me is always gonna love Quinn. She had my kid, babe. I can't not care about her. But it's not the same. I'm not in love with her or anything."
"Funny how you risk losing me to kiss a girl you say you're not in love with."
"I fucked up," he admits with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "Look, I wasn't expecting it, okay? All of a sudden she kissed me and I just, I don't know, I kissed her back. It just happened."
"Kissing someone doesn't just happen. It's not like dropping a glass or something. It's not an accident. You decide to kiss someone."
"I didn't say it was an accident. I said it just happened. I didn't think. I'm sorry, babe."
"Yeah, right." Okay, so maybe he really is sorry but she can't stop herself from scoffing. He kissed someone else. He kissed another girl. He kissed Quinn Fabray of all people. Not that if he kissed another girl it would make her feel better. Him kissing any girl would make her feel just as bad. But it just had to be Quinn of all people.
"I really am, babe." Reaching out he turns her face towards him again. "Listen up. I love you. You get me? I love you. And yeah, I fucked up. I fucked up pretty fucking bad. And I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry. I just want you to forgive me. Can you just do that, babe? Please?"
"I don't know," she finally admits. She wipes at her face again because her cheeks feel wet and she's positive that she looks a big fucking mess. And she hates that she probably looks so horrible. She tries to look so put together all the time.
"I don't expect you to forgive me right away. Shit, take a month, two months, three if you have to. But can you try? Cause it won't happen again, babe. And I don't just mean with Quinn. It just won't happen again at all. I won't let it. I don't want to lose you. So if it means I have to sleep on the damn couch for the next few months? Then I'm willing to sleep on the fucking couch. I just don't want to lose you."
"I don't know if I can trust you."
"I know that. But give me the chance. Don't throw us away. Not yet."
"You pretty much threw me away when you kissed Quinn."
"I would never throw us away, babe. I'd never throw you away."
She doesn't really want to forgive him. She really and truly doesn't but she doesn't seem to be able to help it. She's just so angry and so hurt. She never thought he'd hurt her that badly. She trusted him with her whole heart. And he just sort of stomped all over it.
"I promise nothing," she finally says quietly. "I can't promise I'll forgive you. I can't promise we'll be okay. But I'll try."
He doesn't look all that satisfied but in the end he can't really ask for more. He screwed up pretty badly by not pushing Quinn away when somewhere in the back of his head he knew he should have. So he really can't say he expected anything more from her. And because of that he can't do anything but nod his head a little bit, nod his head and accept that as how it has to be.
The silence that settles between them just shows him how screwed up everything is just then. But the silence is what they need just then because if either of them says anything? What's happening between them will become so much worse that it'll make everything just fall apart. And she really doesn't want to deal with that. And neither does he.