|Ghost in the Stalls
Author: Commonplace Asphyxiation PM
Sirius decides to tell a story to the teens at Grimmauld, the summer before Harry's fifth year.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Sirius B. - Words: 1,664 - Published: 05-06-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8093552
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
AN: The original story that is being told by Sirius belongs to Olan Rogers, of OlanRogers YouTube. I just really liked the story and it gave me all sorts of crazy ideas. I don't mean to infringe on rights or anything, but just wanted to include his world in my sandbox for a little while.
All things recognizable as Harry Potter belong to the wonderful Queen-of-the-Universe Rowling. Also no right were meant to be taken and nothing belongs to me.
I just got a little enthused. :D
"It's been a while. I need to tell you a story. So, back a while, I was in the bathroom in the charms wing. Making short cakes..."Sirius seemed truly amused by the memory that he was about to share with Remus. They were sitting at the table in the kitchen at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, telling stories to the group of teens that had been growing stir crazy after almost a summer with little space to run around.
Remus looked at the friend he'd had since school and grinned. "Just say it. You were pooping." He rolled his eyes but had the humoring smile on his face.
"Yes, so, I was pooping, and while I was in the bathroom, pooping," Sirius put emphasis on the second one, enjoying the giggles, and that he'd even gotten Hermione to look over her book for a moment in interest to the rather absurd story that everyone knew was coming. "I was also doing the crossword in the Prophet. That's called multitasking. Put it in a job application."
"I didn't know you did crosswords!" Harry seemed fascinated by this fact.
"He does them in pen as well. Very bold." Remus smiled at the boy.
"So I hear someone come in, and gets in to stall next to mine and I see trainers. And he starts pooping. Luckily, I had finished pooping, in the post poop. I really didn't want this bloke to know I was in here. I didn't want to talk to him and it turn into some sort of awkward conversation. I didn't want any part of that. So I stayed quiet. I didn't want him to know I was in there; but by doing that I created an even more awkward moment of quietness!"
Hermione had gone back to reading her book, half listening. Sirius ignored it for the sake of the laughs coming from his best mate's son and the four red-headed teens dying of laughter around him. Remus, too, laughed, not knowing that something was about to be revealed.
"It was so quiet that I'd heard a fly fart. It was like a soft, angelic whistle. It... it was quite beautiful actually." He smiled and wiped an imaginary tear from his cheek. "So, here I am in this stall, and I'm thinking... It's a Monday. I am chalk-free- I have nothing- so freaking free, I'm Spello... tape. I am so free of anything that I can't even think..." He laughs rather hard for a moment and then continues.
"So I decide hey, I am going to break the silence." He nods to the group and can tell they are all hang on. Hermione looks up surprised and a little morbidly fascinated. "So I let out the most blood curdling scream. I released Thor in the stall." He had loved comics almost as much as he'd loved muggle models in swimsuits and underwear, and they all knew that. "And this guy freaks out. All I hear is hands slam up against the stall walls and he screams!" He mimics Remus' voice as his friend is suddenly frozen and pale. "'Hey! Is someone in here? Hello? Is someone in here? Listen, I am being serious, you have scared the crap right out of me. I appreciate the help, but I have anal muscles! You have me worried now. I don't know if you are dead or alive!'" They all know that he meant Moaning Myrtle.
None of the teens have noticed that Remus is still frozen in place. Hermione has put her book down and is watching avidly, a small grin growing on her face. The twins are clutching each others shoulder and gasping for breath. "So I hear movement like he's getting ready to look under the stall to see if there is somebody in there. And I know this because the guy hits his head on the loo roll thing. As he looks under, I pop my feet up."
Hermione notices Remus wipe his face and suddenly is grinning widely. She knows that this story is something truly funny. Sirius nods. "I didn't want him to know I was there. I can only imagine what this bloke was thinking. 'Hello? Huh? Uh, AHH!' So I let this guy get relaxed, really comf, right there on the the guy starts pooping again, pooping right away, hear the grunts, the splashes," He makes a little splash noise, "So I decided why not! It's a Monday! So I let out another soul ripping scream. The guy just starts screaming!" Ginny is giggling so hard she has to stop to catch her breath. One of the twins nearly fall out of his chair.
"All I hear then is the guy trying to put on his pants, right? He's about to bust out of the stall and go into mine. That's what he does, just bpoosh I hear him burst out and go into the next stall, 'HEY!'... Oh, but what this bloke didn't know: In the span of him jingling around with his trousers, it gave me enough cover to move from my stall into the stall right of his!"
"So this bloke bursts into there, 'Okay. Okay! I see what is going on. You are a tormented soul, trapped within these stall walls. I am not your enemy! I just want to excrete this dark matter, safely and quietly. I promise you this, I will be on my WAY, If you give me this one solid... I will present you with more solids." Remus has a hand over his mouth, his eyes are watering, and he seems even paler. Hermione has a hand on his arm, but is silently laughing, harder than anyone else. The twin almost falls out of a chair again. Ginny has her head on the table as she laughs.
Sirius continues with more hand gestures to go with with the part of the story he's telling. "The bloke heads back into his stall, and tensions are dying down. He starts dropping dep-charges again. It's almost like he's uppercut a can of that muggle Silly Putty stuff that Hermione showed Arthur. I'm in the stall next to him, my feet on the seat, all hunched up: 'It's a MONDAY.'" He growls the last bit. "I have got to do this one more time. One more FINAL scream. Okay, but not just a scream. I decided to yell 'Run.'"
"The roar was so loud, is was like I had released the Kraken in the bathroom. It was like a whale gave birth to a roaring T-Rex. There was uppercutting a Silly Putty can. The hair stood up on my arms. And a little bit of pee came out, blood pee, it was that loud." Hermione has to tighten her grip on Remus because he looks ready to bolt. "My butt cheeks clenched and that caused a sound on the seat. As I was yelling, my foot dipped in the dang loo. I released more energy...!"
Harry had gone to take a drink and almost sprayed water all over the table. Ron wasn't so lucky and both of the twins hollered at him but refocused pretty quick.
"This bloke, okay, gets so scared that he just BPOOSH! bursts out of the stall, runs out screaming, runs RIGHT OUT of the Charms wing bathroom. I walk right out of my stall... The only thing I did was just a double fist to the air, right, and just, I yell 'I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!' I don't even know why I said this. But it fit the moment."
Remus plunks his head down on the table, Hermione is giggling out loud and rubbing his back, the others notice and the twin finally falls out of his seat laughing. Harry does in fact spit out his water this time.
"I remember, my arms were still in the air," He's got his fists up in imitation still as well, "And I look over. And apparently, the fellow had left his pants. In the stall! Which means that he got so scared that he somehow managed to slip his trainers out of his pants and ran out into the hall in his BEEFY Y-FRONTS."
A small sob comes from Remus and he's just barely visibly shaking. Hermione is half leaning on him, still rubbing his back in support, but dying of laughter none-the-less. "So I walk out of the bathroom into the hallway, one foot soaking, and I see Peeves, who says he was attracted by the noise. So I tell him 'I don't know what happened, but somebody seems to have left there pants... in the stall. Peeves just looks at me, then back to Moaning Myrtle who has also appeared, and just replies with "Oh... Ugh, AGAIN?"
Another sob-like noise escapes Remus and by now all the teens have realized it was Remus. However they are all confused by the poltergeist's reply. Siruis is glad to have finally told the truth about what had happened that afternoon, but knew that he'd started a whole new war of pranks with Remus over this.
"Again, though! Just... AGAIN?" Hermione seems half dead from the laughter.