|They Call Me Zero
Author: wingedmercury PM
It will never change—every time they call me Zero, I will always think that at first they are calling for you, Lelouch.Rated: Fiction K - English - Friendship/Angst - Suzaku K. & Lelouch L. - Words: 760 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 1 - Published: 05-12-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8111328
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I think Code Geass is one of my favorite anime of all time. I found this piece in my old journal, and when I read it, I liked it. Here it is for your enjoyment:)
An introspective Suzaku piece.
They Call Me Zero
They call me Zero, and every time, I think that they are talking to you, Lelouch—because it was your name, first. My breath fogs up the inside of the mask you once wore; my breath condenses around my head, and the inside of the helmet becomes a humid jungle. It's times like these that I realize how alike we are.
But you had C.C—you had Kallen, too. And at the end—the bitter end—you also had Nunnally, in a way. There is no one I show my face to.
Well—but Nunnally, she knows. She doesn't say it, but... Her eyes are closed again, Lelouch—she says she sees better that way, and maybe, she does. I take her to your grave and she weeps and silently, I weep too, inside of the mask you gave me. The tears stay affixed to my cheeks like warts, they cling to my collar and dampen my throat. I can't wipe them away; I can't take off the mask.
Why does Nunnally insist that I come with her to your grave—your grave, graffitied, spat upon, the tombstone pockmarked with bullet holes (thank the gods Nunnally can't see it; thank the gods for their small kindnesses)—why does she insist that I come? She knows, she must know—who it is behind the black and blood-red mask—she must.
For someone who is blind, she sees so much—too much.
Forgive me, Lelouch. I wasn't able to protect her.
She asked me, the other day, as we sat by your grave; she was burning a stick of incense in the Japanese tradition, and she said, "You loved my brother, didn't you, Zero?"
I thought: I loved your brother and I am your brother; I am Zero, and your brother was also Zero.
But instead, I replied, "Yes." I did not bother to lie; it is impossible to lie to Nunnally.
"Then why did you kill him?" Her voice was quiet; heavy, knowing. I didn't have time to answer before she muttered, "Ah, never mind; I already know."
We were silent after that.
I will live for a long time with this: with this mask, with the numbness, the hints of madness. When people talk about Suzaku in court, when they curse that man's name, I do not flinch. Suzaku is dead; there is only Zero, a circle which encompasses everything and nothing.
But when they curse your name, Lelouch; when they spit, when they scrawl those four-letter-words on your tombstone, I cry. What am I weeping for? You, too, are Zero; you are nothing; you are everything. One day, I will have Major Jeremiah break my geass—one day, I will die, too.
Tell me, Lelouch, will you be there waiting for me? Will Shirley be there, hanging on your slender arm, her eyes wide and bright? Will Euphie—
No. Enough. I only think these things when your cape weighs heavily on my shoulders, when your mask cuts me off; when my hands tremble in Nunnally's hands; when my lies spring too quickly from my lips. It is late, Lelouch. I'll leave this incense burning on your grave; I'll let the smoke curl by your abused tombstone. It's almost dawn. I cannot be seen here, alone.
Though really, your grave is my grave; the smoke unfurling from the stick of incense is also for me. I am emperor and I am not emperor; I am Suzaku and I am not Suzaku; I am Zero and I am not. I am. You are. We are both ancient kings, sacrificed to the gods to ensure a good harvest, and peace. We are nothing more than that—nothing more than Zen koans, you and I.
It will never change—every time they call me Zero, I will always think that at first they are calling for you, Lelouch. But neither you nor I are Zero, though we have both shared in it. Zero will be strutting on this stage long after you and I are dead—
Well. That's stupid of me to say, isn't it? You're already dead, and here I am.
Goodbye then. Until next time...Zero.