|I'm Not Letting Go
Author: BB-Hodgela-slaudia-forever PM
That one night in Syracuse changed everything. CAlRated: Fiction K+ - English - Friendship/Family - Carrie W. & Al B. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,841 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 05-28-12 - Published: 05-20-12 - id: 8134001
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
He watched as she rose from her desk, an abnormal shade of green, and ran to the bathroom. His interest was piqued so he waited and watched the door. Finally she came back and sat back at her desk. He studied her. She looked uncomfortable and continued to move her legs. He could tell how she almost was grasping for breath and he wondered. They had only had sex once…but wasn't that enough?
Everything had led up to this moment. Every moment of eye contact, every time someone else tried to hurt her, every time a shot was taken and she was in the line of fire. Every memory he watched her have of them, every single time she looked at him. He couldn't keep going like this, he couldn't keep fearing for her life. He couldn't keep himself from touching her again, from making her his again.
"You want a drink."
He grabs her arm and she smiles a little bit.
They come in the room, he locks the door behind him. Being a cop makes him self conscious at all points of time. They talk about seduction, how he set up their first meeting, but she started everything. He wonders that if she had never made that first move, would he have? Would he have had the courage to make that young detective his? He likes to think he would have made that first move.
"Thank you for rescuing me."
He doesn't like to be thanked so he answers as always.
"You handle that all by yourself."
"No…no I mean always."
He can't shake the way she's looking at him. This glimmer in her eye that she used to have. In their younger years, when things were simpler yet more complicated all at the same time. So instead of answering he raises his cup to hers. They hit and then they drink. The whiskey tastes terrible, there's barely any alcohol in it, but it's just enough. He watches as her tears come.
"I feel like such an idiot. I've just been wrong this entire time. I haven't been following the right path and finding Rachel's killer is so much further away."
He reaches out and grabs her hand.
"Carrie, it's okay. Just because of how you are doesn't mean you have to get everything right. You're okay."
She lets out a long breath and nods.
After a long pause she speaks again. He doesn't expect what she says.
"I wanna stay with you tonight."
In the back of his mind, he knows what she means. But doubt plagues him. What if that's not what she means? What if she just wants him to hold her for one night? What if what he wants and what she wants are two completely different things? He doesn't want to embarrass himself with her, especially. There's always been something special with her, he doesn't know what it is. He's had so many women come in and out of his life, but she left and somehow found her way back to him.
"Yeah of course."
"No, no. I mean I want to stay with you tonight."
With his thoughts affirmed, he moves closer to her, everything in his mind getting crowded. His feelings on her, her leaving not because of something he did, but because of who she is- was...? He knows this is wrong, they shouldn't do it. It'll complicate things, make things weird. But he finds himself not able to care. He just wants to be with her, even if it's just one last time.
"Yeah I know what you mean."
The gravitational pull between them grows stronger as her arms come around his neck. His lips touch hers and it's gentle and sensual and passionate. It's quick that her hands find their way under his shirt and she turns his skin on fire. They're on the bed in an instant, but she stops. He can't understand why. Is she already regretting this? She's the one that said she wanted this.
"Just tonight, okay?"
She said that the first time too. In this room, probably on this bed. She said the same exact thing only this time she wasn't afraid or anxious, only this time she isn't a rookie who doesn't know any better. She always knew she didn't want it to last any longer than a night, but sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Tonight, was different than that first night, though. They've changed during the day, but right now in this moment, they were just them. It was just Carrie and Al. Like they had always been. But he didn't know if he could honestly expect this to just be one night. But he can't stop now, he can't stop this now. So instead he makes a promise he doesn't want to keep.
He's yanked out of his thoughts by his three people; Mike, Nina, and Roe. Carrie is surprisingly still sitting there, at her desk, but he has no clue what she's doing. She didn't really have anything to do today. Murderers had been uncharacteristically silent, so there had been no cases recently. He pays attention to those standing in front of him, trying to pull it together.
"We're heading out. Wanna come for some Friday night drinks?"
"Nah, I'm good. Gotta finish this paperwork."
He looks at his computer screen, the word processor in front of him is blank. He's such a liar.
"Alright, night boss."
When they've all cleared out, Carrie comes into his office. She looks timid, almost afraid. He's unsure on why she looks so afraid. He's never hurt her before, she was always the one to hurt him. And he always forgave her, some how.
"I didn't want to do this in front of them."
He watches as she hands him resignation papers, he looks at her incredulously. He's astonished. What is she doing. They were finally on the right path and now she was leaving. There's a possibility that she's pregnant with his child and she wants to leave. That's not how this works. That's not how it should work at least.
"I know you weren't expecting me to, but after Syracuse it's too hard. Elaine should have had a theory on me too. I still can't figure it out, maybe she would've answered my questions. I have so many. Why I left. Why I took for granted everything you were to me. I was wrong to leave, and I think what I did was wrong. I'm leaving, again. I can't stay in New York. I'm sorry, Al."
For a second he's paralyzed, speechless. She's leaving, just like that. Getting up and walking out on him. Again. Walking out on everything he could give to her. Again. He could give her so much. He doesn't own her, no, of course not. But he thinks he could love her again and she's just going to leave. She takes his silence for acceptance and begins to walk out the door. But something inside him strikes and he's back.
"Were you not going to tell me?"
She turns around quick, lost in everything, all emotions, it's hard for her to understand. She doesn't close the door to his office, because she doesn't want to stay anymore than she has to. Her hand grasps on to the door knob for dear life, hoping that some how she can leave without this becoming too painful.
"Tell you what?"
"That you're pregnant with my child."
A thousand things race through her mind all at once. She had barely thought of the child she was carrying, nonetheless that he would notice; that he would even care. She thought she would skip town and not burden him with the task of raising their child with her. She feels like she can't breathe, like her world is starting to crash around her.
"I'm taking your silence as a no. You've known me for how long, Carrie, and you thought you could keep something like this from me."
"I didn't want to…"
She doesn't even know what to say. Her child isn't a burden, so to say that it would burden Al would be incorrect and wrong. He would probably be even more mad, if she said something like that. But what else is there to say? She can't fix this now, she's lost his trust, she can feel it by the way he's looking at her. She feels disgusted with herself.
"You didn't want to raise a child with me?"
He looks hurt.
"Al, I'm sorry. I just didn't know how you would react. I thought it would be better if I-"
"Just left without telling me? Yeah I can see how well that would work. You desperately trying to find Rachel's killer while trying to raise our child."
"This wouldn't be like our relationship. I wouldn't choose finding Rachel's killer over our baby."
"Are you sure? Because I distinctly remember us being in love and you forgetting about me quite easily."
She's struck silent, because she remembers getting desperate and losing him in the process. Losing the thought that he was at home waiting for her when she would chase another rabbit trail. Losing the fact that they had a date one night and instead she chased after a suspect that wasn't even one. She, somehow, managed to forget about him in her obsession. Slowly her hand finds its way to her abdomen and the tears come fast. She turns so that he can't see her, but she hears his chair creak as he walks to her.
"I'm going to be a terrible mom."
"No. I'm sorry. That was me being mad about something that happened so long ago. But I don't want you to go, I want to raise our child together. A kid needs both its parents if anything-"
"I would know since I only had my mom. You're right, okay? I won't go anywhere, but I still wanna be a cop and I still wanna be me. I don't want the fact that we're having a baby to magically change something. You're Al and I'm Carrie. Nothing changes, I can't handle change right now."
"Fine, fine. Nothing will change."
He's lying, because well he can and if it makes her feel better in that moment he guesses it'll work. But in the end, it's not true. Nothing can constantly stay the same even if she wants it too. She's going to change emotionally and physically, it can't be stopped. He has to grow with her. And then they're going to have this kid that depends on them for everything. No, nothing will change. Instead everything will.
Yeah, he's such a liar.
I haven't been able to get this idea out of my head after I heard Unforgettable was cancelled. There are so many what ifs that they're leaving us with. Should I continue? You tell me, please review!