|To Be Loved
Author: Antonia-x PM
Set during various scenes of series one. Told from the perspective of Kate, Jed, Molly & Ryan. Kate/Jed.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Romance - Kate B. & Jed H. - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,266 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 06-19-12 - Published: 05-22-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8139909
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
So, a little later than planned, however thank you to Aria-Mae for reviewing, & once again to Callie and Meggi, feel better soon both of you, purely because I'm not sure how long I can keep writing get better fics, he! Well coherently anyway...
"I am going out for some milk…"
She had been able to sense the dislike towards Sadie that Kate had immediately radiated on the first meeting between the woman, a dislike which she could not deny seemed to increase spectacularly when Jed had hurried after the blonder of the two in order to walk her home. She had noticed that Kate's unsubtle flirtation with Jed also seemed to have been disregarded by their new neighbour probably, she found herself considering, because Sadie seemed to share that particular talent with Kate. However unlike the words which had left Ryan's mouth not ten minutes beforehand, she was certain that she knew exactly what Kate's problem with Sadie had been - and their similar character traits, as Ryan had stated, it had not been. She was more than certain Kate's issue began and ended with the way their house guest had fawned over Jed for the entirety of her stay, she was also sure that it was her jealously of the attention that her sort-of cousin had been paying to his new admirer that had put Kate's nose firmly out of joint. While she wasn't certain whether it jealously of the fact that it was Jed who was offering Sadie attention, or if it was quite simply the fact that she hadn't managed to achieve her usual routine of getting all the male attention in the room on her.
Either way she recognised the signs of Kate's jealously and now that she was behind her closed bedroom door she was unsure how her oldest friend was planning on spending the remainder of her evening. However now that she was alone in the living room, she could hear the sound of Kate crashing around in her room through the walls and she vaguely wondered whether or not she should go and check on her. She glanced at the door, realising that Jed had yet to return from walking Sadie home, which was in fact only a floor away, and padded softly across the room to contemplate washing the dishes that Kate had thrown at the sink in a mood only five minutes before. She heard a much louder noise from the direction of Kate's room and she found herself stopping her actions of re-filling the sink with water and paused to considered the safety of both Kate and any breakable objects in her room being well versed with the fiery blonde's temper as the sound of yet another object hitting the floor travelled through the walls.
However, the sound of Kate's door opening swiftly threw her momentarily and she watched as her saddened looking friend stormed towards the bathroom without a word and slammed the door harshly before she heard the sounds the Kate filling the bath. She found herself instinctively padding softly back across the apartment to reach the locked bathroom door, and placing one hand the wooden panel and she already her head to fall closer to the door and from the gentle sniffling sounds she could assume that Kate had succumbed to tears she rarely cried. She sighed sadly realising that her friend would not ask for the comfort that she so obviously required and found herself drawn to the unwashed dishes as tears began to prickle at the back of her own eyes.
She was unclear on whether Kate's desire for Jed's attention had anything to do with the connection that she knew they'd shared as children or if it was simply the need to be loved that she seemed to have. She had always tried her utmost to forget the scene she'd once walked in on between the pair - however she'd knew that there had been something between them as teenagers - and now vaguely wondered whether Kate's feelings for her adoptive cousin had been reignited following their reunion or if they'd never faded. What she established wasn't completely clear to her was whether or not Kate had ever felt real love for Jed or whether it had been her possessive nature which had prompted her to sink her claws in and decide that she was the only one Jed should have been watching so intently.
In spite of the lack of blood relation between the pair, she found the similarities entertaining, as she reflect on how they had both seemed to shut down the world around them upon seeing something which had or had the potential to hurt them - whether or not they'd admit to that feeling was immaterial. She'd watched Jed react similarly on seeing Kate flee the apartment only offering a less than thought out excuse for her sudden departure that morning. She'd watched from across the table as Jed had checked the fridge following Kate's reasoning and she was sure that he hadn't missed the noise of her phone indicating an incoming text message. Though initially Kate had spoken in such a pointed way, she wouldn't have been surprised had Jed actually followed her from the apartment as though her words were a code.
She'd be the first to admit that she had no idea what sort of relationship that Kate and Jed shared, though when she'd been the one to interrupt a rather intimate encounter when they'd been just sixteen, she had always judged from the haste in which they had quickly separated that she'd walked in on a kiss which had occurred in the heat of the moment, though over the years which has followed Kate's reaction to Jed's name alone had encouraged to believe that there had been a bond much stronger than their adoptive relationship between them. In fact, the morning following Kate's moment with Ryan the look across the breakfast bar they had shared had shown that there was something more to their relationship, something which she believed that she did not want to be privy to and she did not doubt something which had influenced, at least partly, Warren's hostile attitude towards his nephew through adoption, an adoption which Kate had confirmed was Warren's idea on one occasion.
When she'd left the safety of her bedroom and glanced around to see the door to both Ryan's and Jed's rooms ajar and rooms darkened she established the noise of the front door had been the departure of Ryan rather than the return of Jed. Yet despite wishing silently that her sort of cousin would return to the apartment, like he should've already done given his time away completely a task which should have been in no way time consuming, she was grateful because she wasn't entirely sure whether she would be able cross the living area without succumbing to the tears which were threatening to fall.
She'd played all her usual games with Sadie, she knew she had, she'd played them with Jed too and if she recalled correctly she knew that she'd pulled Ryan into it on at least one occasion. However she would loathe to admit to anyone she'd been jealous of the girl, jealous of the way Jed gazed at her and jealous of the way that he allowed her advances - despite shrugging her own attention off a mere week beforehand. She'd always been the one who Jed gazed at, always, regardless of who else was in the room whether it be her father, his mother or even Molly she had always been the sole focus of Jed's attention. She'd enjoyed it both in a shallow way but at the same time it had made her feel a happiness she hadn't felt since her mother had left - like she was genuinely loved and important; not just supported and cared for like her father had made her feel.
She'd been the one to say the words which had broken her heart and she knew that as a child she'd yearned to have something in common with Jed but when the words had left her very own lips and she realised that she was not the woman in the room who could relate so much to the man she held so dear. She accepted this despite what her heart had wanted her to believe and she knew that all she and Jed shared was the same dysfunctional, if not rather messed up, childhood. Yet in spite of this she knew that she and Jed had a bond far stronger than any shared experiences he and Sadie had; granted she considered the bond may have been there but she was the only one who had ever known the truth of what she had shared with Jed and perhaps it was fear that had prevented her from telling him whether that was a fear of Jed or a fear of her father she was unclear.
She tentatively placed her hand in the filling bath to test the water, knowing that it would be bordering on boiling, yet as she felt the temperature she reached up to stop the running tap without bothering to add any cold water to the bath tub. As she did so, she felt the first few tears began to fall and she found herself unable to prevent their steady flow as they coursed down her cheeks, she heard the movement of Molly which stopped at the bathroom door, yet she found herself both uncaring and unable to hide the fact that she was hurting. Hurting far more than anyone realised and much more than she'd ever admit, but she knew that Molly had seen the tears before and more than likely tears for all she had lost after all she knew she rarely cried for anything else regardless of what her outward appearance and anyone around her would assume.
She knew, perhaps she'd admit from experience, that Jed had now been gone much too long to even still be considering returning to his own bed that night yet when she actively thought of it she felt light headed as she realised that she couldn't comprehend a situation in which Jed would ever act so recklessly, imaginably as reckless as others would consider her own behaviour, unless of course she herself had also been part of the situation. She shook her head violently trying to physically remove her thoughts from both Jed and his probable current location before she slipped herself beneath the combined blanket of potentially scolding water and bubbles.
Yet even as she allowed herself to sink into what should have been a relaxing and calming experience she found that her mind would just not shut down. She opened her eyes sighing as she realised that despite the fact that it had been nine years since, she could still recall every detail of the day which had seen her end in a similarly scolding bath and she knew that it was memories of that day which had prompted her to run the water in the first place much like it always was. She found that she could even appreciate the irony in being completely aware as to why her unconscious mind seemed to push her to such extremes, and with nothing but sadness in her heart she considered how that very first night she had considered it a suitable punishment.
She knew that night that she believed she'd lost everything and could not comprehend anything ever hurting her more than Jed being sent away six weeks previously had done. Then the searing pain had kicked in and she realised that while the pain was physical at the moment, that it would be a pain which had the potential to hurt more than life without Jed, though she'd always considered that the emotional pain which had followed had been intensified by the loss of Jed. It was that night she'd slipped herself into the scolding bath and she had scrubbed at her skin repeatedly, unsure sure to this day whether she was trying to soothe or hurt herself. Yet she knew that she made no conscious effort to prevent herself repeating the actions in this very moment, wondering just how much longer she would be able to keep her secret pain.
Again, thank you for reading, the next update should be up in the next day or two.