|Very Good Words
Author: nox-alatus PM
"I don't even know she's standing there watching me until her shadow falls on my face. Gritting my teeth, I look up and meet her eyes. She looks like she's about ready to cry and in that moment, I can't help but hate her a little." The infamous bus scene from Jeremy's POV. COMPLETE.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Jeremy - Words: 1,614 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 6 - Published: 05-28-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8158807
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I rewatched You're Beautiful this weekend and remembered how much I love this scene. It makes me cry every single time I see it, and I've watched this drama at least a dozen times. It's my favorite, if you couldn't tell. Anyway, I started thinking about how Jeremy felt while he was singing, and this story was born.
I've liked FTISLAND for a long time, but watching this scene for the first time is really when I fell in love with Lee Hong Ki. When he's cry-singing, it kills me. That's pure skill right there. It's impossible to fake cry-sing, so he's really doing it. **sigh** Damn it, Mi Nam. I'm a sucker for Jang Geun Seok, too, but Hong Ki and Jung Young Hwa aren't bad choices, either.
This is just a one-shot. If I feel like it, I might do some other scenes from opposite POVs, but no promises.
I knew I wasn't the smartest guy in the world, but I've never felt so stupid as when I stood there, listening to Mi Nam and Manager Ma discuss her liking Tae Kyung hyung. My mouth goes dry at the very idea that she likes him and I can't help but edge closer in horrified disbelief. I must have made some sound because they both turn towards me at the same time.
"Mi Nam, you… you like Tae Kyung hyung?" I don't even recognize my own voice as I ask the question that I really don't want the answer to. Mi Nam just looks at me for a moment, then nods.
My heart shrivels and my stomach drops to the floor. This can't be right. Go Mi Nam and Tae Kyung hyung? No. No, no, no, no. She opens her mouth to say something, but I want nothing to do with it. Spinning on my heel, I storm out of the building and peel out on my scooter.
I don't know where I'm going and I don't care. I can feel my heart breaking as I weave through traffic, ignoring the random honks and shouts of people who recognize me. The only comfort I find is the cold wind scouring the tears from my cheeks. I'm freezing, and it isn't because of the icy temperature. Eventually I end up following the path Mi Nam and I took on our non-date, back I still thought she was a boy.
The curry restaurant. The ice cream place. The arcade. At the bus stop, I park and lock the scooter before boarding my treasure bus. Part of me knows that I don't have time to complete the circuit because of that stupid song I agreed to sing on the radio, but I'm past the point of caring. Even if I don't make it back in time, who cares? I don't even want to sing the damn song anymore. It was a stupid idea anyway.
Hunkered down in the seat, I can't help but see all the things I was too dumb to see before. I must be an idiot. With all the signs that Mi Nam liked Tae Kyung hyung, I must have been the only one who had these dumb fantasies of us being together. Hell, even Manager Ma knew, and he doesn't know anything. Banging my head against the window lightly, I curse my stupidity.
What is it about Tae Kyung hyung that is so damn special? He's the most popular, but the singers are always the favorites. And I sing, too! I can write songs. They might not be the grand masterpieces everyone thinks Tae Kyung hyung's are, but they're good enough to go on the albums. And I'm fun! Tae Kyung hyung wouldn't know a good time if it bit him in the butt. Even Shin Woo hyung has helped me throw parties before. I'd like to think that if it was Shin Woo hyung instead of Tae Kyung hyung she liked I'd be better than I am now, but I'm probably just fooling myself. What a surprise that would be.
I don't even know she's standing there watching me until her shadow falls on my face. Gritting my teeth, I look up and meet her eyes. She looks like she's about ready to cry and in that moment, I can't help but hate her a little. How dare she stomp all over me and then follow me when all I want is to be left alone?
"Get off." I'm proud that my voice doesn't waver.
I can feel a muscle in my jaw tick as I glare at her. "This is my bus. Get off." A single tear slips down her face and my anger crumbles, leaving only a hollow pain and sadness.
"When I thought you were a guy, I was okay with it. When I found out you were a girl, I was okay with it. But if you like Tae Kyung hyung, I can't be okay with it. Why? Why wasn't it me? I told you about my treasure bus, and I let you close to Jolie, and I was going to sing a song only for you. Why don't you like me?"
She doesn't answer and I stare out the window again. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her take the seat opposite mine and look at me. We sit in silence as the bus makes its rounds. I try to hold on to some of the righteous anger I had earlier, but her tears have sapped it all out of me. All that's left is the gaping wound where my heart used to be. Blinking furiously, I refuse to cry. Not in front of her. At least let me have this one bit of control. Later on, maybe I'll give in, but for now I swallow thickly and clench my fists.
My phone buzzes and I know exactly who it is without looking. My vision is too blurry to see the display anyway. Shooting a look at Mi Nam, I clear my throat and answer. The radio host and I exchange meaningless pleasantries before she asks about the song. I start to choke up again, but push through it, knowing that I have to do it, even as it's killing me inside.
Mi Nam's eyes meet mine and I know I have to say something or else the pain will utterly consume me. "These good words were so precious to me that I saved them up. If I keep them inside too much, they turn into words I can't say again. But I hope they're not disagreeable words, useless words, or words that make you sad."
As I say it, I realize I'm waiting for her okay to sing. I'll be broken if she says no. When she nods, I clear my throat again and start the song.
"I love you, these words are such good words.
When our family goes to bed, they give and receive these words.
I love you, these words are such good words.
These are words Jeremy wants to give to her."
My voice cracks halfway through but I push on and finish, hanging up as soon as I'm done. My face is hot and my eyes are burning from the tears that finally broke through. I can't see her face, but I can hear a slight sniffling. Is she crying? Part of me hopes so, so she can see just how much I want to die in this moment. Another part of me is praying that she isn't, because I can't bear to think of her crying. And for me to be the cause of it? My heart starts breaking all over again.
"They're very good words." Her soft voice cuts through my thoughts. It certainly sounds like she's crying.
"But you can't accept them. Right, Go Mi Nam?" I know she's apologizing, but I don't hear it. I don't want her pity. A street sign catches my eye and I sit up a little straighter. "I can't say it's okay right now. When this bus returns to its place, then it'll become okay."
The bus stops and we both stand. "When I get off this bus, I'm going to return to being the happy Jeremy. Forget everything I said here. If you don't forget it, I can't return. Got it, Go Mi Nam?"
She nods, another tear silently falling. I climb off the bus and take a moment to compose myself before turning around. Plastering a big, fake smile on my face, I wave her off the bus. "Hurry up, Go Mi Nam! If you stay on, you have to go all the way around again."
She comes down and stands next to me. Bracing myself, I throw an arm around her thin shoulders. "Come on, Go Mi Nam. Let's go get some ice cream."
"My treat." She gives me a sad little smile as she says it, and I can feel my mask crack for a second. She pretends not to see it, which I appreciate more than she knows. As we walk down the street, I can feel my broken heart come back together just a bit. My next smile for her is more genuine.