Author: Nosferatu's-Cigarette-Binge PM
While in disguise as Mrs. Dubcek, Harry sneaks out with one of her old flames. Meanwhile, Dick goes undercover to find out if Mary would love him if he were a woman and also questions why certain types of love are taboo. Takes place a month after the second season episode "Romeo & Juliet & Dick". Do Not read if you are against Gay relationships and/or the thought of Harry being Bi.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 4,563 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-14-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8216274
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not claim any rights to the characters in this story.
A. N: This story takes place one month after the second season episode Romeo & Juliet & Dick
I have nothing against the guy that played Jimmy. I do not share Dick's opinion of him at all.
In the middle of the night, Sally Solomon sleepily shuffled into the kitchen. In search of a tall, cool glass of Surge soda she opened the refrigerator door, and reached for a glass on the counter, but fumbled in the dark and dropped it. She cursed, hit the light switch, and was shocked to see Harry curled up in a ball under the table - in drag.
"Harry? What are you doing down there?" Sally asked.
"Sleeping?" he whimpered.
"In my brand new satin dress?"
"I haven't even worn it yet! Now it's all wrinkled. Whhhhhy?!" she wailed.
"Well, Sally as you know, dresses let certain areas breathe that pants don't..."
Overwhelmed by anger, she drug him out from beneath the table by his ankles.
"You have a pair of my heels too!... and you're wearing make-up? DICK!" Sally bellowed
"Aww, don't call him."
"Then tell me what you're up to."
"Alright. But if I do, ya haffa ta promise you won't get mad at me..."
Before Harry could finish his sentence, Dick and Tommy walked in, half asleep.
"Dammit! I'll have you know I was sound asleep," Dick groaned.
"I found Harry under the table in one of my dresses."
"Oh for goodness sakes, is that all Lieutenant?"
"He's been trying on your dresses ever since we came to earth. I'm going back to bed!" said Tommy.
"No, see, he's acting guilty. Like he's been sneaking out or something."
"Is this true Harry?" Dick asked.
"I donno. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't," Harry huffed.
Sally gasped, "See!"
"What could you possibly be doing sneaking out in the middle of the night wearing a dress like that?" Dick asked, "No wait, don't tell me, You whore! You've been selling your body on the streets!"
"No, I haven't!" Harry whined.
"Oh, come now Harry, only a prostitute would wear what you have on."
Sally smacked Dick, "That's MY dress!"
"Did I say prostitute? I meant a fine respectful young lady... But, uh, umm, you're neither Harry!" Dick tittered, "Give us the beef, straight up man!"
"Alright, alright, I'll tell you, but ya gotta promise you won't get mad at me."
"Would you just spit it put so we can go back to sleep," Tommy hissed.
"OK!" Harry yelled then softened his tone, "Do you remember Jimmy?"
"Jimmy?" They repeated looking to each other, before answering, "No."
"Aw, come on, you have to remember JIMMY!"
'Harry, we don't know who you're talking about," Sally sighed.
"That offends me. This guy is really, really somethin'. He's Mrs. Dubchek's Jimmy."
"Mrs. Dubchek's Jimmy? You mean that plump, odoriferous man who kissed you when you were pretending to be Mrs. Dubcek because she was knocked out by the sleeping potion Tommy made for the play Romeo and Juliet, which I so brilliantly directed?" Dick asked.
"Well, what about him?" asked Dick.
"We're goin' steady!" Harry beamed.
"Steady? You mean to tell me he still thinks you're Mrs. Dubcek?"
"Duh. Why else do you think I'm wearing Sally's clothes?"
"Because the green in that dress really brings out the little blue specks in your eyes?"
"Really? That's nice, I didn't know..."
"How long have you been sneaking out like this Harry?" Sally asked.
"Oh, for about a month now."
"A month?" Dick gasped, "Oh My God! How far have you gone with him you- you tart?"
"We've kissed and cuddled for starters. Jimmy gives these really nice bear hugs. Man, oh man, you really want to look out when a romantic movie comes on, cuz Jimmy gets all hands-y." Harry chuckled and moved around excitedly in his chair.
"Oh God Harry! Don't tell us you've had sex with this man!" Dick screamed.
Harry seemed taken aback, "Of course not Dick, I'm waiting until it's just the right moment before Jimmy and I take our relationship to the next level."
"Then it's a miracle Jimmy still thinks you're Mrs. Dubcek. She'd have nookied him too many times to count by now," Dick thought out loud.
"Harry, don't you think you're being a little selfish pretending to be Mrs. Dubcek?" Sally asked.
"Yeah, she might want to see him. He was the old flame coming back for more, remember?" Tommy asked. "You know, you're not only hurting Mrs. Dubcek by prolonging this farce, but yourself too... or at least I'm sure that's what August would say."
"I don't care. That Dubcek had him and left him so he's mine now. I don't see why I should have to give him up. We both have a great time together and I really like him."
"Well whatever. You're going to have to buy your own dresses. I don't want to see you stretch out any more of mine. I thought I was losing weight," Sally griped.
"You don't care if I keep seeing Jimmy?" Harry asked in disbelief.
Dick huddled with the others in a meeting, within a second they had a verdict: "It's fine with us but you'll have to run it by Mrs. Dubcek before you go any further"
"Share Jimmy if necessary," added Dick, "It's better than nothing right?"
Harry looked up happily then, as usual, frowned once he started thinking. "Wait, If Jimmy thinks I'm Mrs. Dubcek then how can Mrs. Dubcek be Mrs. Dubcek? How will Jimmy know which Mrs. Dubcek is the real Mrs. Dubcek? I won't even know who is the real Mrs. Dubcek!" He moaned and sat down, placing his head in his hands. Dick sat beside him.
"Hold, hold on we'll settle this... Let me think, ah, I know. Why don't you just tell him who you really are?"
"Really?" Harry seemed relieved, then remembered one very important thing that would throw a wrench into his plans: his anatomy. "Ohh, Dick it's not going to work. My body is all wrong."
"No, no, I'm sure everything will be OK. I love Mary despite her many faults, I'm sure Jimmy will feel the same way about you too."
Harry brightened up, "Ya think so?"
"Ah Harry, I know so. Humans are so predictable when it comes to love. Now, go on and have your lesion with that sulfuric toad and tell him the truth."
"Aww gee, thanks Dick."
"Remember, no hanky-panky unless you use protection young lady," Dick tsk'd.
"You mean It's ok if I you-know-what with Jimmy as long as we use protection?"
"If you want to whoop it up with that fart of a man go on, I don't see why not," Dick said smugly.
"Oh boy, look out Jimmy, because if all goes well, tonight is ttthhhhheeeeeee night!"
"Nooky on, Harry, nooky on!" Dick called after him, sighing once he was out of sight. "I hope he will be happy with Jimmy."
"Me too. That little speech was nice Dick," Sally said appreciatively.
"Yeah, what's gotten into you?" Timmy asked.
"Mary and I had this wonderful talk over lunch today and she told me that no matter what ..."
"Albright!" Sally and Tommy muttered as they went into the kitchen.
An hour later
Tommy, Sally, and Dick decided to stay awake until Harry returned. It was a Friday night and they had nothing better to do. Besides, Johnny Depp was on Letterman. They heard the door open then close and looked to each other eagerly... until they heard the deep sobs coming from Harry's room. Rushing in they saw Harry in bed covered by his blanket.
"HE HATES ME!" Harry wailed from under the covers.
"What happened?" Sally asked.
Harry pulled the blanket off his head and spoke: "Well, before I had a chance to say anything to Jimmy, he just started kissin' me. I couldn't get away from him and it was real hot and heavy," Harry happy recalled the events, "I really liked it. His hands were everywhere and I got caught up in the moment. Once I noticed what he was doin' I tried to stop him, really I did. But um, his hands well... they, well, he felt my-"
"Ding-dong, bazooka, pink bus, enchilada, broom handle, fiddlestick, butter knife, love truncheon, poodle dink, tallywag, corporal love, wiener, dingaling?" Dick suggested.
"Yeah, all of those."
Sally, Tommy and Dick groaned in disgust.
"So then what?" Dick asked
"I got all worked up," he admitted.
They groaned in disgust again.
"Hey! I can't help it, it's not like that one time on the bus with that guy, I'm talking about my boyfriend here!"
"What made him decide to get frisky tonight of all nights?" Dick asked.
"I donno, he said he was tired of waiting. Anyway, he started screaming at me and usin' all these words that get bleeped on the Jerry Springer show. He said, and I quote, 'I don't know who the hell you are but I know my Mamie didn't have no man parts. Get the hell out of my house.' "
'What did you do?" Tommy asked.
"I got the hell out of his house."
"That's just terrible," Dick shook his head
"He decided he couldn't love you because you're a man?" Sally asked.
"Yep," Harry sniffed.
Sally was ready to kill. "Where is this Jimmy? I can think of a few things to do to his-"
"Ding-dong, bazooka, pink bus, enchilada, broom handle, fiddlestick, butter knife, love truncheon, poodle dink, tallywag, corporal love, wiener, dingaling?" Dick suggested with a hideous grin on his face.
"Don't worry about it guys. I never should have continued seeing him after that first night. I knew I was in for trouble. I brought this all on myself. I'd just like to lay down If you don't care, I'm so upset," Harry wiped tears from his eyes.
Sally patted his shoulder, "That's ok. You get some sleep Harry."
"Thanks Sally. I don't know what I would do without you guys.'
Once Harry covered his entire body with his blanket again, Tommy, Dick and Sally went into the living room to be out of earshot.
"I feel sorry for that Jimmy guy, imagine all this time he's been making out with Harry," Tommy laughed.
"Hey Twerp, they were happy until that jerk found out Harry has a- " Sally stopped talking once she spotted the vacant look on Dick's face.
"Dick? What's on your mind?"
"Would Mary leave me if she thought I was a woman?" Dick screeched.
Nina Campbell walked into Mary Albright's office and spotted a woman adjusting her stockings.
"Excuse me ma'am, are you waiting for Doctor Albright?" She asked.
The Woman stopped fiddling with her hosiery, stood up straight and looked Nina in the eye. To Nina's horror she saw that the woman was none other than Dick Solomon.
"Yes, I'm waiting on Mary, I mean Doctor Albright," he said in a high-pitched voice.
"Doctor Solomon? Why are you in that get up?"
"Doctor Solomon? I don't know what you mean by calling me Doctor Solomon. But I'll take it as a complement. I've seen him around and he is GORGEOUS! I would do him in a second, Mmm, Mmm! I'd like me a piece of that."
"Walk on Nina, walk on," she said to herself as she went to her office.
Dick sat behind his desk and started rummaging through his purse. He soon withdrew a mirror and a tube of lip gloss and was just about to apply it, when Mary walked in.
"Oh, sorry. I thought this was my office." She backed up to look at the door. Her name was indeed printed on it in thick lettering and on second glance she saw that it was Dick behind the desk: in drag.
"Dick? What the hell are you doing?"
"Dick isn't here. I'm filling in for him. My name is um," he looked from left to right as he thought, "...Dictina. Pleased to meet you."
"Oh, cut the crap Dick!"
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean. Would you Please stop yelling at me and calling me Dick? My name is Dictina, I assure you."
"For- alright you want to be that way? Then be that way. I have to teach another class in a few minutes, so I'll be out of here soon. You'll have the office all to yourself Dictina!"
"May I just say that even though you seem as if you can be very nasty, you have the cutest smile, pretty lady. What is your name? Oh wait, I see it on your desk. Mary Albright. What a beautiful name. A beautiful name for a beautiful person," Dick chuckled.
"I'm ignoring you."
"Well, I can't ignore you," Dick rose from his desk and sauntered over to Mary's. "Wow, you are even prettier close up." Dick touched her chin, then sat on her desk.
"Dick, Dictina. whatever your name is, would you please remove yourself from my desk? I'm busy."
"Too busy for love?" Dick stretched over Mary's desk, embraced her and began to kiss her passionately.
Judith had just started to enter the office, but stopped dead in her tracks once she caught sight of Mary locked in embrace with what appeared to be a woman. "Oh My God. Albright is a lesbian," she said in her normal monotone voice before shielding her stoic face with her hand. "I'll come back later... Let me just get my camera."
Mary broke from his embrace "Judith? Oh, Dick, I'm sure I just heard Judith."
'Who cares! And I'm not Dick, I'm Dictina," Dick whined.
We return to the Solomon household. Coming home from a date with Don Orville, Sally enters her room only to find Harry longingly fingering a pair of the shoes hanging above her bed.
"Hey, Harry," she said quietly, knowing he was still reeling from his break up with Jimmy.
"Oh, Hello Sally. I didn't know you were back yet. I was just putting away the things I borrowed. How did your date with Don go?'
"Eh, not so great. We went to the all you can eat china buffet but he was called away on duty before we could eat all we could eat."
"That's the pits."
"Yeah. Say, why don't you keep those heels. Don says I'm tall enough with without them. I've been wearin' flats when I go out with him," Sally lied.
"But you're wearin' heels now."
"Eh, yeah," she looked down. "Well, Just take em'. They gave me terrible blisters."
"Oh yeah, I had one on my little toe that turned purple after it-"
"No, I mean I can have them?"
"Yeah. Take them."
"Thanks Sally," Harry said as he hugged her.
"Yeah, Yeah," she pushed him away. "Listen, when Mr. Randall broke up with me it hit me right in the gut. I know how hard it is to lose a guy you really care about. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for ya."
"Awww, Thank you Sally. You're such a great sister."
"I'm not really your sister remember?"
"Does it hurt to pretend?"
"Nah, I guess not," Sally didn't seem to care one way or the other.
She walked over to her bed to look at the clothes Harry had returned.
"Yeah, Umm, Sally..."
"What?" She looked up.
"You might want to soak some of those for a while, I wore them when I was with Jimmy and things could be known to get a little uh, heated between us."
Scene cuts to Dick who is still passionately making out with Mary on her desk.
"Oh Dictina, I think you're a better kisser than Dick," Mary joked.
"What? Mary how could you? You, you trollop!" He ripped the wig from his head. "What do you think about that, huh? I am Dick after all!"
"You ass! Of course I know you're Dick."
"You mean, you still love me even if I'm wearing ladies clothing?"
"Well, I have to admit it's a bit strange... but I kind of like it. It's kinky."
"Mary!" He rushed up and squashed her with one of his hugs.
"What made you decide to dress in drag to work today Dick? Was it an impulsive thing?" Mary managed to say while in his arms.
"No. I did it for Harry."
"Yes, For Harry."
"WHY?" she was getting annoyed.
"Harry's boyfriend left him. I'm trying to make a point."
"I didn't know Harry is gay."
"Oh well, Harry was very happy and gay before Jimmy left him."
"Yes, I'm trying to tell you! He was happy."
"No, No! I mean a homosexual."
"Oh, you know Dick."
"I mean, umm, yes of course I know... Would you please tell me again?"
"What does it take Dick? He likes men instead of women!"
"No, no, he likes women too."
"So he's bisexual?"
"He's bisexu- oh why do there have to be so many different names?'
"No. Well, I don't know..." Mary couldn't really answer because Dick interrupted her again.
"Wait a minute, I heard something about gay people on the news this morning and it wasn't good."
"I'm sure you've heard something nice in there somewhere. But like everything else, you'll hear a lot of bad things too."
"Why? I don't understand."
"Well, um, gay relationships are very controversial to a lot of people."
"What is wrong with two people being in love? If two people love each other why should they let gender stand in their way? Why even bother thinking of gender when it comes to who or what we're attracted to? Why can't we just follow our hearts instead of our minds? Our minds have been filled to the brim with what is wrong or right by everyone else for thousands of years. What does 'everyone' know? Bumpkis! That is what they know, Bumpkis! Love is blind. That's why I chose you!" Dick grabbed her and smooched her before she could reply.
Scene shifts to Dick teaching class in drag.
Dick is writing on the chalk board and turns around after hearing someone laugh loudly.
"Bug? Did you just say something?"
"Uh, no Sir."
Caryn raised her hand.
"Oh, I know what you're going to ask Caryn, don't even bother raising your hand. You all want to know why I'm wearing what I am, right?"
"No, I just-" Caryn was interrupted by Dick.
"I knew It! You simply cannot pay attention to the lesson I'm trying to give because you're hung up on gender issues."
Leon started to speak, but Dick wouldn't let him.
"Ah, no use trying to get out of it, you've all been found out.
"Actually, Doctor Solomon, what you're wearing isn't all that weird compared to some of the outfits you've worn to class before."
All the students agreed.
"So, you're saying you don't mind if I wear women's clothing?" Dick leaned over his desk with a huge grin on his face.
"Well, uh, I guess it could be worse..." Leon stammered.
"Are you kidding! It has been worse! Think of the time he wore the loin cloth? Or that time you said you saw him in chaps and a pink speedo?" Caryn nearly shouted.
"What are you talking about? I never wore chaps and a speedo to class, that's just tacky!" Dick stuttered.
"No, oh, yeah, You're right. I saw him eating outside of a McDonald's in that outfit," Leon remembered and shivered.
"That must have been one of the times I had to take Harry out to the play area..." Dick thought. "So you're Ok with what I have on?"
"Yep, we're cool with this outfit."
"You are?" Dick smiled.
All the Students mumbled: "Yes".
"Then if you weren't making fun of me what were you trying to say?" Dick asked.
"We just want to know when you're actually going to write our lesson on the chalk board. All you've written so far is "Jimmy is a bastard" over and over. Is that part of the quiz?"
"No, it is not! Oh, you guys are all wonderful! I could kiss everyone of you, as a matter of fact, I will! Bug, you're first. Come on! I have lip gloss on, it'll be like buttah."
Scene shifts to the Solomon's apartment.
Sally, Harry, and Tommy are watching TV as Dick marches up the stairs in drag.
"Damn this planet and its hang ups!" he yelled.
"What happened?" Sally asked before she turned around, "Whoa, what the hell do you have on?"
"Typical! Just typical! I expected better from you Sally."
"What? That dress you're wearing is disgusting!"
"Oh, Well... I got it from the back of Mary's closet."
"Albright, that explains it," Sally grimaced.
"I don't know why she didn't recognize it today..." Dick pondered.
"She probably didn't want to admit she owned it," Sally said.
"Dick, why are you wearing it?" Tommy asked.
"I wore it for Harry!"
"Aww, Dick that's so nice of you... thanks for wearing it so I don't have to. That dress is butt-ugly."
"Harry, I'm wearing it to protest the way that cad Jimmy reacted after finding out you are a man."
"Oh, Dick You didn't need to do that," Harry sat down and muttered under his breath, "Really."
"Lieutenant, these humans and their obsessions with fashion and gender confuse me. I don't understand why if you are a male you're not supposed to dress like a female, but a female can dress like male and it is considered attractive! I can't get these stupid rules. I was fine wearing this dress at school but the trip through the department store, the darkly lit alley outside Stag's tattoo parlor, the triple M tavern, the florist and past that vacant factory on Washington street where all the hobos hang out was horrible! Nearly everyone tried to beat me up. Even the old ladies."
"No wonder," Tommy laughed.
"That dress is a fashion don't," Harry added.
"Why did you go past all those places anyway?" Sally asked.
"I was power walking. Mary said I need to lose my spare tire, but that is beside the point. I don't suppose anyone has tried to beat you up you because you wear men's trousers have they Sally?"
"No. Though men do try to make me take them off all the time, but that is for another reason entirely."
"See? They want to charm the pants off you but kill me. I even tried to sit with my knees together to avoid flashing anyone... and I'll tell you that is easier said than done, have you ever tried to exit a car without exposing your bits to someone? It is so hard!"
"Yeah, it is," Sally and Harry nodded.
"Especially when you're not wearing any panties!" Dick cried.
"OK, right now, I'm thankful to be the only person in this room who cannot get into this conversation. I've not had any experience as a crossdresser," Tommy said.
"Put a cork in it! I've seen you try on my skirts when you didn't think I was looking," Sally scoffed.
"That was one time!"
"Yeah right... One time you were caught!" Sally spat.
"Well, at least I never leave the house dressed that way," Tommy mumbled.
"Hush it, Tommy, I was trying to speak, remember?" Dick griped.
"Sorry," Tommy said mockingly.
"You should be. Now, Lieutenant, Something has been bothering me, you were not a female until you came to this planet. What made you decide that you were attracted to men?"
"Hmm, I don't know. I never really thought about it. I took one look at 'em and that was it. Women just don't do it for me."
"So, even though you have the body of an earth female, you could be classified as a gay or bi-sexual if we wanted to get technical here?"
"Oh jeeze Dick, I don't know. Does it matter?"
"It's important to me."
"You can't go around labeling people. You're as bad as the people you're protesting against," Sally moaned.
"My God Lieutenant, You're right... You know, What you said a second ago is true, "Does it matter?" That is exactly how people should live their lives when it comes to finding the person they will love. Everyone should live and love without caring what other people think, as long as they're not harming themselves or someone else. It's down right dreamy... The way you phrased it wasn't very elegant but it's nonetheless effective."
"Thanks," Sally said sarcastically.
"Guys, I hate to interrupt, but since we're talking about this stuff, I need to know what to do about Jimmy," Harry piped up.
"You could try talking to him again," Sally suggested.
"No. He said If I came near him again he would shoot me."
"Just get that bozo out of your mind Harry, he wasn't good enough for you anyway," Dick said, "Mary doesn't mind if I wear women's' clothing and neither did my class. I'm sure you could find someone better than that louse hanging around the dumpster behind Seven Eleven. And, while we're on that subject, how was your date last week Tommy?"
"Eh, about as good as you can expect when you go out with a girl you find hanging around behind a Gas Station..."
Dick nodded, "That good, huh?"
"Guys!" Harry whined.
"Ok, I remember hearing Dubcek say something about having a "cold sore" the other day," Sally recalled.
"Does Dubcek make a habit of talking to you about her skin problems?" Tommy asked.
"No, she didn't tell me Moron! I listened in on her phone, and believe me, that is not a good idea if she's talking to her doctor... you don't want to know what I heard."
"Where are you going with this Lieutenant?"
"Don't you see? We could send Jimmy back into Dooby's arms and he could get a nice case of herpes!"
"Oooohhh," they all say in sequence.