|The Battlefield Story
Author: Redrama PM
A story made by the Battlefield communityRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Words: 3,580 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 06-22-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8244190
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Battlefield story
As noddy the sniper is running across the field, he looks up to see a huge sign saying YOUR TEAM HAS LOST. He then rage quits to play Forumfield. However he returns and finds himself staring down the barrel of a PENIS, He feels odd sensations...desire...lust even. He licks his lips before he's ready to Chop it up and sell it to a homeless guy.
Now with his new found wealth, he goes and buys BF Premium And a metric ton of cocain. Now high and with premium in hand he sits down to to smoke bath salts and starts the zombie apocalypse. Now tripping his t*ts off he sweats more and more and looks for ways to entertain himself with, A BANANA.
Suddenly the front door is kicked off by his battlefield buddy s Eric, Norman and Abdul shouting Whats up my neegus! lets get this party started..we got 3 asian shemales here. After the party, the group went to Caspian border to destroy the tower but, to there surprise a noob armed c4 was taking his clothes of and yelling: i got aids! Stand back before a blow the f k out of the man who did this to me, Suddenly, the thread gets bumped by some loser who just rage quit operation clusterf*ck because he Was killed by the UFags then after waking up from the horrible nightmare he realizes that his ex-gf was a dart noob.
So he picks up a DILDO, Proceeds to cover it in chocolate. If 4/5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean 1/5 enjoys it? He wondered a loud while taking the chocolate covered treat in his mouth. He then picked up his dildo after finishing his chocolate candy. You're doing it wrong, you are supposed to leave it open for the next person, but... theres no next person. who wished to continue the tale, until a brave monkey appeared. With a phallic shaped chocolate covered object that had been passed down many generations by a wise old NIGGER.
And now the nigger decides to eat a watermelon, but it turns out that the watermelon belongs to a big fat hairy Russian sniper who dressed as a fairy in has spare time and he secretly molests little boys at night, when they are sleeping. Whilst molesting a little boy suddenly, the door swings open, to reveal the boys father holding a chocolate covered dildo and a monkey trained to operate a video camera.
And eager to film the wild sex act, yet he forgot to use a condom and got pregnant and gave birth to a dildo. Who then grew up to be one of the finest dildos passed through a high security woman's prison and now belonged to the top dog inmate called Betty who used it to escape prison and run to the nearest ghetto where she and a half chewed rabid naked mole rat.
Covered in chinese five spice and mayonaise, started selling crack to the kids when a GIANT PURPLE DILDO-MAN APPEARS, Our OP kills him with an USAS-12 And asks the kids would you like to join me on the battlefield to pwn some noobs in Grand Bazaar with a recently bought aimbot. Lol and pwning the noobs they suddenly makes there move to the final flag only to find a admin their waiting to ban his ass. banned from the server, they realise the error of their ways and uninstall the aimbot.
They then set up a second account and a fresh ip address, back on battlefield they go back to metro and start spamming the m320 and rpgs. amazingly, Patrick Bach is playing on the RU team. He says to our gang, please don't kill me i helped with the making of this game, But i say fuck you and kick him with my energy legs. Then patrick activates his DICE givin supper gun and kills the entire enemy team with his m1911 s tact.
But then that doesnt happen becuase it was all a dream, a dream of a negro man who was captured and kept in captivity by the Ku Klux Klan who were about to that was too much for him so now he strapped c4 to him self and shout play BF: Blackops. But he pressed the button to the c4 and found out it was bugged so he decided to get in contact with EA live support, the phone rang and rang until finally a voice on the other line shouted Yippee ki-yay Mother F**** ers !
He gazes down at his expired BF3 receipt from gamestop, then hangs up the phone. Feeling defeated, he boots up BF3 and joins a server called 10,000,000,000 ticket metro EXPLOSIVES only. And after playing for 56 years he finaly decides to quit only to find that he pissed his pants whilst playing, infact he pissed that much their was a big puddle around his computer what then led to a short circuit blow so he blew up and started playing Serious Sam and then he got t-bag'd by a headless kamikaze, and was confused, as he greatly enjoyed his tbagging.
After gobbling balls for 30-45 minutes, he decided it was time to stop, and went to the local sex shop to purchase a nice pair of running shoes and felt weird for reading this entire thread so he unzipped his pants, asked his dog to come closer and commanded it to clean the peanut butter off his throbbing, hard, veiny, bloody, cheesy, meaty BUT WAS ACTUALLY A PENIS AND NOT A SPOON DONT RUIN THE STORY ITS GOOD SO FAR.
The dog faithfully agrees to his masters wishes. In the process, his new running shoes from the sex shop got Peanut Butter and protein all over them, so he got the peanut butter and the protein and made himself up a super energy drink that gives you supper fps through your eye,s but wait his pc went pop due to the pee accident. What can he do now with a super fps drink and no pc he thinks so he takes a fat shit on the floor, "There!" he exclaims.
With this pile of feces I can fabricate the worlds fastest computer! now all I need is a name for it aha! I'll call it DICEputer, now on his DICEputer he loads battlefield only to find for some reason the DICEputer will only run Windows 97, so he beats it with a large wad of cash, knowing EA will come there so he can get the computer to transform into a giant.
Decepticon, but the decepticon needs an update a patch or two good job EA are on the way they arrive and see that the decepticon is to big to patch and decide to take it out with another patch, so they make a patchception only to find out that. The DICEputer had transformed into a human. Not just any human, it took the form of Sean Connery.
Who then lept into the air and picked up his peanut butter covered sniper rifle. He then attached RDS and laser sight, put on some dubstep and started his quickscoping, montage. Saying to himself "Yesh this is what the women want these days! a man who can quick scope! well that or a man that can lift a 200KG weight only using his head. He then lined up a enemy in his sights, and a trolololo guy just trolled him with a C4 nipples," then he proceeded to pull out his C4 and waited for the C4 noob.
He then got sniped by another sniper. He then said "Damn this bullshit" and rage quit to play Forumfield. He stumbled upon a topic about snipers who always lose. Then he spammed his youtube channel in the topic, which apart from his quickscoping montages had disturbing footage of himself making out with other men. The DICEputer had taken the form of Sean Connery to ruin his career. He nearly got away with it if not for Patrick bach who had been nailing™ his homework.
When the first patch failed against the DICEputer Decepticon Pat noticed a sub routine hidden within the Decepticons deep tissue. Not only was he out to destroy Sean Connery's career but also to leave claymore around the local McDonald's car park knowing this pat rushed as fast as he could with a team of pregnant teens, all of which where very moody, but still did a good job of working through their morning sickness to defuse the claymores.
After the bombs were defused Pat let the team know that the DICEputer had been spotted near Activision main base is it possible that the Diceputer works for them? they do a stake out with their thermal camo suits on to avoid being spotted and sure enough they have hard evidence of DICEputers alliance with Activision. Pat said ok team this is it we have found the wicked DICEputer and now it's time for the final assault!
The pregnant teens booed at the idea "I want choclate!" one of them chirped "OOOOOOhhhh choclate ice cream!" said another Pat sighed and said F**k this! Group hug in the showers tonight! The teens shocked at what pat just said, started to through peanut butter at each other's genitals, even though Pat had a best friend called Simon, and Pat would do anything Simon said.
So Simon told her to get the teens back. So she came up with a plan that involved surprise buttseks with a group of crazy hairy lesbians, armed with overpowered m16's, which fired nukes. Which blew up the entire realm of caspianas. "Snap out of it Pat!" a prego teen yelled. "You passed out and started mumbling about lesbians, peanut butter, and nukes!". "Oh sorry so are we doing this or what?". The young mothers nodded and loaded their weapons. Now they had to figure out a way into Activision headquarters.
And teach Bobby Kotick a lesson by inserting a crisp 1 dollar bill on a fishing line and dangle it outside his office window on the 20th floor. "his insatiable greed will surely be his undoing" the teens cackled. as they stood outside the pound shop looking for a quick fix,and to there surprise along came pet horse, who was named Dave but he said the teens can call him Tina so they set off on a long journey heading north towards Mordor,
but one does not simply walk into Mordor without a nailgun. but it cant be no ordinary Nailgun it has to be a Marks and Spencers nailgun. So the teens and the horse went to the nearest mns store, when there they came across something strange it looked like a Demize99, but even derpier, is it a trap? there was no way to know until he won lotto 649 except, they stripped off their clothes.
BOOM! An old lady had walked right into the trap throwing her body and her false teeth flying across the supermarket, where her body skidded to a hault smashing into a shelf of baked beans and peanut butter and her false teeth landing in a on a fire breathing dragon called Ernie and Ernie was hole, in which lived a very large and scared bunny.
A pedo-bunny with a candy van full of c4 and claymore ready to destroy pedo-bear, but then realised that he was under heavy supression, so he missed all the shots and with all the blurry vision his eyes poped out of his ass, along with candy and some nails that went straight into his moms big, fat, hairy CHIWAWA, while he was shaving his 2 big (basket)balls with the ACB-90, He slipped and cut of his trigger finger which landed at his feet, and was picked up by the pedo bear and.
Was thrown inside his fish tank and poop, try and do a DIY castration on himself which leads to calling the Avengers for the job of Wolverine, who "misses" the castration because he was with Gean and the castration. Gingerly, he picked up the scissors and proceeded towards the nearest camper ridding on the back of a roster but doesnt know what a roster is, and proceedes with the 'self castration' "Now that's a close shave!" the Eunuch quipped, just as the giant sack of potatoes fell on the small child, crushing him, The eunuch was distraught, shouting out "help! someone has dropped there sack right on my face! i am so terribly ashamed and feel violated!"
No one came to the freaks aid. "hmmm I guess I'll solve this problem as most life problems are solved, I'll have to eat my way out of this dilemma" Nom Nom Nom.
but before he finished, he noticed that what he thought were potatoes were actually after a solid 30 minutes of eating, he was finally free...though, left dazed and confused from solanine poisening as a result of eating 7.5 pounds of uncooked potatoes he stumbled into his local SnM dungeon, the owner was furious "Sorry bub read the sign!"
The eunuch looked to a large sign on the store front which read "No Shirts, No Shoes, No Genitals, NO SERVICE". Then suddenly dubstep. the eunuch , though disheartened, pleaded with the owner to let him stay, and enjoy the show, by that stage was involving a donkey "I will allow you to stay but you must complete this quest, I need you to peel the genitals off a monkey sodomising a midget wearing leather gloves, and then return to me with the magical cock ring from the top of mount Cummermore. After that i will give you the power to turn anyone you desire gay, with a touch of the index finger of Elton John, who then says THOU SHALT NOT HAVE CHILDREN. After that, he will.
"Its god's will, i was brought to this earth to turn people gay through my most influentiall of lyrics" he then whipped out his keyboard and everyone launched into a rendition of Crocodile Rock "I remember when rock was young, me and suzie had so much fun" "Holding hands and skimming stones-"suddenly they were interrupted by a fleshlight wielding, Gorilla, as he started humping the living hell out of them. homophobe from "westtboro baptist church' and started beating elton, explaining that his music is turning millions into faggots.
Elton screamed "Please now, this is ridiculous!" as members of the Westboro Baptist chanted "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" to suck that man's magically inclined index finger as Angela Merkel entered the dungeon with Tony Blair Givin' a Bloody Gobfull.
Tony Blair refused the Westboro Baptists strange request then asked "Is that guy missing his penis!" They responded "No, he just left it at home so he could let his chick suck it. "Ah I see" said Tony "makes sense". He then strolled over to the counter and asked the man behind the counter if his package had arrived.
The clerk asked him then to describe the package. Tony Blair decided to go home for some Bf3 time and immediately joined a team getting base raped so he raged hard and rage quit, only to join another match full of hot bikini girls with machine guns. So he called over his friends so they could have a mud wrestling competition.
The girls totally were guys and they were naked with huge erections and Sippin' on some Piña colada, and trying to shit on the floor while he is reading the new issue of playboy magazine. He wanked untill his 4skin was raw then he continued playing BF3 untill he was reloaded...suddenly somebody knocks the door, and it was the penis monster, dressed in a fancy overcoat, I think he called it a condom
He had a smooth feel... he could not resist him..
He took off the coat and *Gasp* it was a pony.. She had 'Twatlight sparkle' on her ass.
And this wasn't a ordinary condom It was cherry flavoured. He stroke the ponys leg , Twilight sparkle cooed lightly, and said *Hehe that tickles mister* This pony was small but vicious twilight knocked him to the ground and "... Rape ... " It's not funny when it happens to your daughter, is a thought beamed into his head.
Master Chief couldn't resist Twilight Sparkle any longer. So he got up, took off his armor, and spread her legs wide open, and slid his genetically augmented pen is into her va gina. the beautiful pony cooed loudly with delight as he slipped in. Her tight lips hugged and slid along his shaft as he mounted her again and again and again. Twilight sparkle moaned loudly and her beautiful mane fluttered with each thrust. Then Cortana came into the room, Chief lowered his head and nibbled on her breasts, all 8 of them.
They tasted like grape candy. Soon, Twilight sparkle reached her climax, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, her scream could be heard for miles. Her pony pu ssy spilled all over the chief's crotch, but he kept going. After all, spartans were made for superior endurance. Then Chief dressed up his hand and married it in Japan, he was white and went on a honeymoon to the gulf of oman with his hand.
An hour later, iJeba had arrived at the camp. He didn't know what he was seeing, maybe he had gone mad. There was a campfire and next to the campfire was a rather large naked man with some strange creature laying next to him. This creature looked like some sort of equine, but it was purple and it had a darker purple main with pink streaks. The creature had ´Justin Biebers - property´ tattoo in his ass.
iJeba had never seen anything so beautiful. His eyes filled with tears as he watched the sleeping beauty. He didn't know why he was crying, but tears began to flow down his cheeks. He silently and carefully walked over to the pony and stroked her hair. Her mane felt like an angel's hair. All of a sudden, he saw stars, and he felt a ringing in his ears iJeba blacked out. The chief caught iJeba in his fall and tied him up. The chief, also expert in bondage. used robe made from pubic hairs. Peluka and Harry Enfield, they arrived and performed LOADSAMONEY.
It was morning now, and iJeba woke up with a throbbing pain on the back of his head. He saw the pony looking at him curiously. Her beautiful black eyes hyponotized him. Standing behind her was the man , only he was wearing some sort of green armor, save for his helmet.
"Sneaking up on us?" Twilight Sparkle said. "Trespassers need to be punished! :3" Twilight Sparkle licked her lips in a sexual manner and then whipped out a bottle of cherry flavoured lubricant and applied it to the Peluka the Milkshake, that has recently respawned cuz he was on the same squad. She said "Take off his pants Mister chief!" Twilight Sparkle demanded. "What?" iJeba and the Chief said at the exact same time. "Take off his pants...please?" Twilight said. "Um...I'm not comfortable doing that..." The chief stammered. "Oh fine, I'll do it!" Twilight said, frustrated then her horn glowed and iJeba's pants disappeared.
Peter and scudded iJeba repetedly around the face. Twilight Sparkle said "Woooooww Mr Felix what a big copy of BF3 Limited Edition.", then Peluka proceeded to fuck it. He tongue slid up and down his shaft and her long mane draped over his crotch, gently tickling it. His 7 inch cock became rock hard and iJeba groaned with pleasure. "Good god," he thought, "I am getting my dick sucked by a horse! Am I in heaven or hell?"
Suddenly bus full of PORN platoon members arrive, Felix watched Twilight Sparkle blowing Jeba, and he became aroused again. So he took his armor off and lifted Twilight Sparkle's tail. She didn't seem to mind, in fact, she raised her rear end when she felt him grab her tail. Then Felix slid his cock into her pussy, and she moaned while sucking Jeba off. Suddenly, a person on a radio said: "ENEMY NUKE INCOMING, IT'S OVER"
Twilight sparkle put her glowing horn in the air, and said *Forcefield* Then the nuke never went off... The sex sesstion contunued.
Suddenly 30 second later, Jeba shouted "F*********************************************************************************************************************************************K!" and blew his load into Twilight's mouth and down her throat. She swallowed his seed like a baby drinking milk. The Felix continued to F**k the pony all day. 7777 orgasms later, he blew his gigantic load into her again.
But then..., the same person on the radio said: "ENEMY UAV AC130 MAV ADVANCED PREDATOR NUKE MISSILE BEACON M26DART CHOPPER GUNNER PATRICK BACH WITH FRAGS ABOOOOOOOOOOVEEEE"
Peluka the Milkshake destroyed the AC130 MAV ADVANCED PREDATOR NUKE MISSILE BEACON M26DART CHOPPER GUNNER PATRICK BACH WITH FRAGS with his milkshake powers.
Motherfucking copypasta by The Finnish Sniper