Haunted

By: Lysi Nothuna

I do not own Star Wars or the lyrics to Haunted by Kelly Clarkson.

"Louder, louder the voices in my head

Whispers taunting all the things you said"

Luke heard the holorecording all the time in his head. He heard her in the whispers in the wind. Every time they got louder and made his head and heart ache. "This is my odyssey. Goodbye." Her voice was so beautiful. Yet so sad. How could he not have seen it? Felt it?

"Faster than days go by and I'm still

Stuck in this moment of wanting you here"

It had been weeks, months, since Admiral Daala's attack on the Yavin 4 Jedi Praxeum. Since she left. Since he found the recording saying why she left, why she lied. He wanted nothing more than to go back in time, somehow, and change things. Maybe he could have stopped her…. Maybe.

"Time in a blink of an eye

You held my hand

You held me tight"

The time together they had was oh so short. Maybe five years max. He remembered how she had always held his hand when they walked and he remembered when he first met her. She was nothing but a spirit then, trapped inside of the computer on the Eye of Palpatine. He remembered how she held his broken body while he slept. He remembered her showing him memories of her watery homeworld and him showing her his deserty one of Tatooine.

"Now you're gone and I'm still crying

Shocked, broken I'm dying inside"

It was a shock when it finally hit him that she left. She was the first person he had ever truly loved as more than a friend, crush, or family member. He cries everyday when he wakes and when he goes to sleep. He puts less effort in training his students and every time he wakes to see the empty side of his bed a part of him dies. The trainees noticed it but acted like nothing was wrong. They just focused on rebuilding. Leia noticed almost immediately. She had Han try to talk to him at first, he knew what it felt like to lose your one and only. Luke went along with it and lied through his teeth claiming he was fine. He was shocked when Han let it go, but then again Han wasn't a Force sensitive. Leia spoke to him next, tried to help. But it didn't work. Nothing worked.

"Where are you?

I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me

I can't survive unless I know you're with me"

He would go out to the jungle, where they were last together. He would ask aloud to know one where she was, beg for her to come back. He had Intelligence look for her to no avail. He sent notices all over the Holonet asking her for forgiveness and to come back, that without her he would surely die. Even if it meant knowing where she was but not being able to see her, that's all he wanted.

"Shadows linger only to my eye

I see you, I feel you, don't leave my side"

Occasionally his mind would play tricks on him. He would see a figure in the shadows of the temple and nearby jungle and his hopes would rise, thinking she had come back. When he went to investigate he would discover it to be only the shadow of some equipment, or a deformed tree. But it felt as if it were her, because he never could feel her to begin with. It was extremely embarrassing when he would see what he thought was her when he was with students only to have them point out it wasn't her. Rumors soon flew that their great Master had finally succumbed to madness. But he was not mad, no, he was broken.

"It's not fair

Just when I found my world

They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart"

He loved her with all of his heart and soul. He, no they, had gone through so much in order to be together. He never wanted her to leave. She made his life whole, perfect. Why is it that every time he found someone it couldn't work out? Is that the curse of being a Jedi? Not being able to feel the Force broke her heart. She had prided herself in it; it was a part of who she was. Without it she felt broken. He tried to help her, but instead he had made it worse.

"I miss you, you hurt me

You left with a smile

Mistaken, your sadness was hiding inside"

He missed her every day, every moment. He kept recalling the last time he saw her, turning his back on him while smiling. He had always seen her smile, never once did her mask flicker to show the depression he somehow missed. How could he have missed it? He knew she was upset, yes, but he didn't think it was enough to cause her to run.

"Now all that's left are the pieces to find

The mystery you kept

The soul behind the guise"

Did he really know her? He guessed not, why else could he not prevent her leaving? Her mask was so strong, and coupled with her lack of Force sensitivity it was nearly impossible to read her. But that was no excuse. Han wasn't Force sensitive but he always knew what Leia felt. Now the only thing Luke could do was ask why and pick up the pieces, move on. But he couldn't find the pieces, they had scattered in the wind.

"Where are you?

I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me

I can't survive unless I know you're with me"

Where did she go? He needed to know so he could find her. Loneliness was something he just wasn't accustomed to. He always had had someone with him in the past. Ben, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, Yoda, even Vader. Now he felt like he was the only person in the Galaxy. And that loneliness could very well kill him.

"Why did you go?

All these questions run through my mind"

He knew the reason why she left. She had said so herself in the holorecording. But he felt that that wasn't it, that there was something else involved. And why did she leave without so much as a warning? Or were the signs there all along but he was too blind to miss it? These questions and more always ran through his head, distracting him from lessons and causing him to meditate more and more. But there were no answers. Not to him.

"I wish I couldn't feel at all

Let me be numb

I'm starting to fall"

He was tired of the sadness, loneliness, depression and grief. He tried everything to get rid of it. Hell, once he even went with Lando to a sleazy men's club to try to pick up a Twi'Lek. That did not end well. He just wished he could lose all emotion, even the good ones because the good ones were already gone. He knew that these were dark thoughts, thoughts that could cause him to fall like his father but he didn't care. He just wanted it to stop. And if it meant going Dark then so be it.

"Where are you?

I need you

Don't leave me here on my own

Speak to me

Be near me

I can't survive unless I know you're with me"

He needed her like a plant needed the sun. Like a person needs food. A human needs oxygen. She was the Alpha to his Omega. The Yin to his Yang. Without her he was dead, gone. He had already started with a shard of glass he kept in his dresser. He kept the cuts covered with black sleeves so if they started to bleed it wouldn't be noticed. Once Leia had grabbed his arm and he had winced in pain. He thought she had figured it out then and there. But somehow his excuse of getting hit to hard by a Force pushed rock in a training class had satisfied her. Or at least she was smart enough to let it go.

"Where are you?

Where are you?"

He constantly wondered where she went. The possibilities were endless. Did she go to a planet she knew well, like Bespin? Or did she go to a world that would be easy to get lost in, like Nar Shaddaa? Maybe she went to an abandoned world like Korriban. Possibly she went to Tatooine, she said that she had always wanted to visit where he grew up. It didn't matter though. Either way she was gone and he didn't know where or why.

"You were smiling"

He always remembered her smiling because that was the way she left. That was the way Callista always left. Hiding her true self behind a mask and a smile. And he was too stupid and careless to try to look through it. And now he is paying the price.