|Sin and Love
Author: tiger002 PM
Jacob was a kid who didn't seem to have any problems. Smart, athletic, the son of a well respected deacon of his church. But when a secret attraction to the same sex becomes something much more, he finds himself in a world of confusion. Right and wrong blur. Good and evil take more than a single glance. He struggles to find truth, and acceptance in a world polarized by hate.Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Spiritual - Chapters: 50 - Words: 109,863 - Reviews: 57 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 06-26-12 - id: 8259766
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Chapter 11: Party
It didn't take long for Jacob to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people here. There were the friends he knew, saw every day, like Matt, Colin, Mark, and a few others. There were others that he saw around school, but didn't know their names. A few of those he said hi to, but nothing more as he continued wading through the crowds. Mostly though were those he'd never seen. He figured many of them probably came from a different school, either another high school or possibly even college. A couple he'd even say were in middle school, but guessed they were brothers or sisters of someone else, who were drug along for whatever reason.
Still, Jacob didn't feel quiet at home, something didn't seem right here. Like he was slapped with a cold cloth on a hot day, and he was on edge. The loud music hadn't faded any, which do to his love of music, he would normally have not minded, though it seemed to alternate between rap and techno, neither of which he liked. He recognized one of Lil' Wayne's songs, only because he'd heard it so much at school.
Jacob found his way upstairs, where the crowds had died down some. He was on top of a balcony looking down, the number of people having to be in the hundreds. He saw several of his friends interacting, a lot of people with pizza and chips. There were TVs set up with various games, Halo, Call of Duty, Smash Brothers, along with a few he didn't recognize. Whoever had organized this had gone all out, making sure they had everything.
"What are you doing up here?" Matt asked from beside him. Jacob didn't even notice how he got up here, and figured he'd probably be downstairs with how many people he knew.
"It's just so much."
"I know; it seems overwhelming."
"Do you go to parties like this often?"
"Can't say I do. Justin has thrown these in the past, but never when I'd been able to go. And well, you know the rest of us aren't big on things like this."
Normally a party for them was just sitting down with a few friends and watching a movie or playing a few games. Never something like this. Out in the living room which Jacob was pretty sure was the size of his couch, there was a disco ball along with people dancing in ways Jacob didn't need to see. He caught a couple couples making out on the couch downstairs, and there were even a few people throwing a football through the hallway.
"This place is crazy."
"Have fun here."
"Right," Jacob nodded. That's why he was here, a stress relief, having some fun, and forgetting all about the week. He made his way back downstairs, accidently colliding into a girl in a tube-top and some short shorts, which he tried to look away from as soon as his eyes locked upon.
"Watch where you're going," she said pushing him back.
"S-sorry," Jacob said hesitantly.
"Oh, you think sorry is going to cut it."
"Leave him alone," one of the older guys said as she walked past him. "Sorry about her, she's just a bit excited."
"You don't know?"
Jacob nodded, not sure he wanted to know. He thought about how worried his dad was about a party at some place he didn't know. However, before the guy could explain what was going on, the girl whispered in his ear and the two of them continued up the stairs.
"That's odd," Jacob said to himself before going back downstairs. He found the massive kitchen which had probably a dozen pizzas scattered around it. He grabbed a plate, and got a few slices, eating them as he wondered back out into the main room, the massive number of things going on still overwhelming him. He stepped up to a game of guitar hero, figuring that would be a place to start. He had played it a few times before, and despite knowing how to play a real guitar, it was different.
Once it was his turn he stepped up, seeing his opponent was a guy with long black hair. "Steve," the guy said holding out his hand.
"A pleasure to meet you."
The song started and the two of them tried hitting the notes as best he could. The song wasn't a hard one, and old Bon Jovi one, something Jacob was kind of surprised to see at a party like this which was inundated with the newest songs, whether they were any good or not.
After not losing by much, Jacob walked away, the horrendous sounds of the stereos taking a toll on his head. He had thought the pain had gone away, but the music seemed to pound at it, with the hard words of the rap lyrics jabbing at it. He found his way to the back door, overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean with a deck that seemed to stretch around the whole house.
Here it was less crowded, still a few people, but the conversations were softer, he could actually hear what people were saying when they were a couple feet away from him. He closed the door, shutting most of the volume of music off behind him. He saw the waves crash against the beach, the gentle roar of the waves blanketing the chaos of the music. He smiled, seeing the beauty of nature. The sun had begun to set behind the house, leaving the horizon dark, the murkiness sparkling with the few rays of sunlight left.
He took a seat on one of the deck chairs and stared at it, the clash of water on sand beautiful. He wondered why he wasn't out here more often. It wasn't like the beach was so far away he couldn't get to it. He couldn't drive himself, but he had friends who he was sure would enjoy this when they got the chance.
He looked up at the darkening sky, the points of light of the stars shining from so far away. It was funny, the sun was so close that it blinded the world to these, but during the night, without the light of the sun, stars so far away, and in many cases so much bigger than the sun could truly shine. Jacob imagined it all, the universe and all it's billions of light-years, and thought about the story of creation. How it was all summed up in Genesis, saying that "he created the stars also." It wasn't a big deal to God to create a universe humans couldn't even comprehend. With such massive objects that were so majestically in tune. It was something that he couldn't understand, that a God so big, so powerful, so majestic could be so close to him. Jacob held his hand up to his heart, thinking of the love of God that had saved him, transformed him.
"What are you doing out here?" a voice called out to him.
Jacob turned and saw Sampson standing over him, looking out at the same wondrous scenery.
"It was just too much in there," Jacob said. "What about you, I thought you were in the hospital."
"They let me out today."
"What had happened to you?"
"A broken rib, something about my chest cavity."
"Oh wow, are you in much pain?"
Sampson nodded. "Yeah, still hurts to breathe."
"Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I mean if I had seen that you were going to drop it I could have stopped it in time."
"Not your fault," Sampson said shaking his head. "If I was smart I would have stopped sooner. Then again, it was to beat Darris, so it would be worth it. But if what Mark told me was true, I still lost."
"Maybe next time?" Jacob said with a bit of a chuckle. He couldn't have but admire Sampson's stubbornness, his competitiveness. It was what made him such a great athlete, if there was a goal he had set; he'd keep working for it no matter what. Even if he hurt himself, he'd make it. Though there were times that could be pushed too far, but he hoped one day Sampson would learn the difference between those two times.
"Is your head feeling okay from Monday?"
"It was feeling a lot better until I came here."
"What do you mean?"
"The loud music. It just feels like every beat is like a punch to my head."
"Well, at least out here it's quieter.
"Still louder than I like it. It would be one thing if it was good music too."
"Oh, you mean you don't like Skrilix?"
"I don't really like bands that are named after something that isn't a word."
Sampson shook his head as he sat down beside Jacob looking out at the water.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
Jacob nodded. The calmness and serenity helping him relax more than he'd been able to in so long.
"You know," Sampson said, "there are times where I just like sitting on the beach and let the tide sweep over me, and let myself sink into the sand, it feels like I'm going to drift away with the ocean, to someplace far away."
It sounded peaceful to Jacob. He wondered if he could relax like that with all the music, or lack there of, behind him.
Jacob messaged his temples, trying to get the pain to go away. He wasn't sure if this was brought on by the injury before, the pain was in a different spot this time. Still, as the door opened letting out another blast of nails on chalkboard techno music which hurt Jacob more.
"Hey, if you're hurting so much, maybe you should take something for it."
Jacob had wished he'd brought some Aspirin with him, but couldn't see himself needing it when he felt better before.
"I wish I could. It's not like they'd randomly have pain relievers on them here."
"You'd be surprised," Sampson said, raising Jacob's suspicions.
"Never mind. It is a bit much, I admit. Justin probably went a bit overboard with this party and the music."
"I guess it would be fun, if I was into this kind of thing."
"I'm going to get another drink, you want me to get you anything?" Sampson asked.
"Nah, I'll get something for myself in a bit."
"All right, see ya."
Jacob watched as Sampson walked back inside, thankful that he was doing so well. He could tell by the way Sampson was walking that he was still in a lot of pain, but he seemed to shrug it off really well. He felt really weak, a little bit of a headache and he felt like every problem was his, while he knew compared to this Sampson's pain had to be unimaginable. Yet he just walked it off.
Jacob decided to head back inside, to try to have a good time at least. Even if it was a bit of a pain, why should that stop him from enjoying himself?
He got ready to go back inside, wondering if there were any drugstores nearby, where he could buy some aspirin, or at least some earplugs. That might be a good way to get through this without pain.
As he went back in, the light of the sunset was washed away by the many flashing colors of whatever light system they had here.
"Ah, Jacob, glad you could make it," Justin said walking up to him.
"Hey Justin." Jacob hadn't met Justin except for a couple times at school, normally when he was hanging out with Matt. He was honestly surprised Justin knew his name, with how many people where here.
"What do you think of this party? The biggest and best one I've ever thrown."
"It's certainly something."
"You're not enjoying it?" Justin asked.
"It's a bit more than I'm used to, that's all," Jacob said not trying to be rude, and didn't want to seem unappreciative of his host.
"You'll get used to it. Just try having fun, and you'll find yourself sucked right in." Justin reached over the counter to pull something up. "Here," he said passing it to Jacob which he recognized as a can of beer.
"No, I don't drink," Jacob said. Thinking if that's what this party really was, then why would Matt be here, and inviting him?
"Ah, okay then. I guess I should have expected it, you being Matt's friend and all."
What did that mean? An insult to them?
"It's whatever though. If that's how you want to have a good time, go for it."
Jacob started to walk away, wondering if he should even be in a place like this. However, as he was walking, something caught his attention. An orange cat jumped up on the counter, and meowed at them, rubbing its cheek against his arm.
"What the hell?" Justin asked.
"That your cat."
"No," Justin said scratching his head. "Mom's allergic to them."
"I don't know."
"Is your mom here?" Jacob asked, wondering, though doubting Justin would be having a party like this in their house, if she was. Especially after he heard the noise of something expensive sounding shattering.
"No, my folks are out of the country. They're in Britain discussing some kind of business merger or something."
"Ah, I see."
"Don't worry about it Jacob," Justin said putting his arm around him. "What they don't know won't hurt them. I've had big parties before, they came home and everything was fine. Just have fun, enjoy yourself. Drunk, sober, hanging from the ceiling, I don't care how you do it. Let me handle all those worries."
"Okay," Jacob said a little bit reassured, but wasn't entirely comfortable with this thing. He then heard a dog barking running through the kitchen.
"That's not your dog either, is it?"
"No, that's Simon."
The two of them then heard a moo.
"That most certainly isn't," Justin said as he took off running toward the stairs bounding up them. "Mark, I swear I'm going to kick your ass if you're hiding chickens in my underwear drawer again."
Jacob wondered what exactly a cow had to do with a chicken here, and what Mark had to do with it all. He didn't even know Mark and Justin knew each other, but with the number of people Justin seemed to know, it shouldn't have surprised him much. Even with the fact they were three years apart, that wouldn't stop them from being friends.
Jacob thought about leaving the party, the alcohol not something he wanted to have anything to do with. He'd heard the horror stories, someone drinks too much, and they die of alcohol poisoning, or they get behind the wheel and kill themselves, and maybe others. Possibly, even if it wasn't that life ruining, they could still do something stupid, and hurt themselves. He'd heard the story of a man who had a great job, but came into work drunk one too many times and lost everything.
He knew those were extremes, but didn't want to let himself start down that path. He knew some enjoyed drinking, but didn't see any purpose in it. If that was the life they choose for themselves, than okay, but that's not something Jacob wanted to life with. He turned away from the counter, seeing Justin run along the balcony upstairs reaching for something that seemed to be out of his grasp. Looking close, Jacob could make out a monkey hanging from one of the chandeliers.
"What the?" Jacob asked, not sure how the monkey got there or who brought it. It was one thing for a random cat to show up, but a monkey? And did it have anything to do with the mentioning of cows or chickens from earlier?
He shook his head as he went toward the back door; this whole thing was becoming a bit much for him. He thought about seeing if he could find Matt and the two of them could go home. Still, Matt seemed to be looking forward to it, and after what he said about his family, it might be needed for him to forget. He wondered if Matt would be one of the people drinking, but didn't think he'd drink if he had to be driving home.
Or would he?
Alcohol seemed to help people forget, and thinking about the pain of a divorce, and parent's arguing, he could see how that would be nice. But surely alcohol wasn't the answer.
Or was it?
People had to drink it for a reason, and maybe they had a good one, even if Jacob didn't want to have anything to do with it. Jacob would admit he was curious what it was like to be drunk, and wondered what it tasted like. He thought, maybe once it would be okay. But he shook his head, remembering his vow to stay away from that stuff. He didn't need it.
He gazed around the massive room, trying to find Matt, though with the dozens of people covering the house, he didn't think he'd be able to find him. So sighing, he decided to give up and head back outside. He thought maybe he'd find Sampson there, and away from such crowds, it would be nice to just talk to him, away from all the chaos and things he'd rather avoid.
So he made his way back outside, the sun nearly set making the ocean that much darker, but still as loud as ever as it's waves crashed against the seashore like gentle unending rain. He sat down, trying to breathe in, feeling a bit bad to be away from all the fun, but as he rested his chin in his hand staring forward, he thought about how beautiful this was. All the noise and craftsmanship of the world couldn't compare to the sheer beauty or majesty of God's creation.
"So you decided to come back out here," Sampson said causing Jacob to turn around.
"Didn't want to be around all the party," Jacob said, not really feeling like explaining it. He wondered what Sampson would think if he said why. Did Sampson drink? Had he been drinking? Would he look down on him for not?
Jacob wondered why he cared so much too. He knew what he believed, if anyone had a problem with it, he shouldn't care.
But for Sampson, he did.
"I know how you feel, it was fun at first, but there's only so much I can take," Sampson said softly.
"Wow, I thought I was the only one who didn't like it here," Jacob said.
"Different things for different people I guess," Sampson said. "If you want I could take you home."
"I came here with Matt, so I don't want to just leave him here."
"I'm sure he'll be okay with it. I'll just tell him that your headache got too bad if you want."
He looked up at Sampson, the way he was standing behind a light and wearing a white t-shirt and blue jean shorts made him glow. The wind against him, and Jacob could see the bandages underneath his shirt around his chest. He wondered how badly he was hurting. Sampson was good at hiding pain, but he didn't seem to be his usual energetic and enthusiastic self.
Sampson sat on a stool beside Jacob, and he could hear him groan as he sat down, holding up his hand to his chest.
"Are you okay?"
"It hurts a bit," Sampson said taking a few light and even breaths. "More so when I stand up, or sit down. Or lay down. Or sneeze. And really, surprisingly, when I take a dump."
Jacob couldn't help but laughing at that and seeing Sampson's smile took some of the sting away from seeing his friend in so much pain.
"What did they do to you in the hospital?" Jacob asked.
"Stuck and IV in me, did an X-ray, and MRE or whatever it's called. I don't know what all it was. They said they thought they'd have to do surgery on me to get everything fixed at first."
"Oh wow," Jacob said, imagining them cutting Samuel open and shuddering at the image.
"They said I was pretty lucky though. They wrapped up my ribs, and put some kind of small metal plate near the broken ribs to protect it or something."
"I guess that way you wouldn't break it worse." That made sense, with ribs being in a position like that, it wasn't possible for them to just set the bone like they would for a broken arm or something. That also meant that in the event of something happening, it wouldn't have anything else to protect it.
"Here, look," Sampson said pulling up a shirt to give Jacob a view of his body. It looked like several rows of bandages had been overlapped about ten inches up and down across his chest. Jacob looked down for a few seconds too, at Sampson's stomach and his abs. He blushed, Sampson so close to him. He couldn't help but thinking about what he wanted to do. His hand rose a couple inches off the arms of the chair, subconsciously going up to Sampson's body.
"Right here," Sampson said putting his hand up on the right side of his chest where there was a small bulge in the bandages.
"Did them putting it there hurt?" Jacob said trying to think of anything else other than what was right in front of his eyes. He moved his gaze up to Sampson's head, but it fell a second later.
"No, it was a bit cold at first though. You can touch it if you want to."
Jacob's eyes widened at the offer. He wanted too, for more reasons that just knowing what type of object it was or out of worry for Sampson's injuries.
But what to say?
He wanted to touch it, touch Sampson's body. And it would be rude to refuse that offer. But what about doing what was right? Still, Sampson so close, and who could know when he'd get another chance like this. Even if it didn't mean anything, because, well, it didn't. This was just curiosity, hanging out with a friend, inquiring about his medical condition.
Or close enough to that anyway.
Sampson got up from the chair; cringing a bit as he did so, and kneeled down beside Jacob his shirt still up.
"Well, go ahead?"
"Okay," Jacob said, reaching out to touch him. He felt the bandages, elastic but pulled tight to give them the most amount of strength. "A little bit lower," Sampson said and Jacob wanted to replace that with a lot lower but he closed his eyes for a second, trying to keep those thoughts away. But when you're so close to such a hot guy, it's pretty hard to control what ideas your mind comes up with.
He moved his hand about an inch and felt that, like a rock underneath the soft bandages. "It feels strange," Jacob said as casually as he could.
"I know, feels strange to have it there all the time."
Jacob let his palm fall, part of his hand resting on Sampson's bare skin.
"Can I ask you something?" Sampson asked, though Jacob hardly heard the words, just smiling that he was touching Sampson.
"Sure, what is it?"
"Are you blushing?"
In an instant Jacob tore his hand away.
How could he explain it? He was cold? Hungry? What did that have to do with blushing though? Felt badly for him, that could cause blushing? Right? Maybe?
"I thought so," Sampson said with a smile.
"You're pretty discreet about it, you know that?" Sampson said, and Jacob tried to rationalize what all he meant by that. All the options, so many things it could mean other than the real reason for it.
"About what?" Jacob asked, trying to act as dumbfounded by this as he could. He'd just have to get away; make Sampson think about something else, anything else, any new topic. But any thoughts of sports or school or music flew from his mind compared to the guy kneeling beside him.
"I've seen the way you look at me in the locker room."
No, it couldn't be. That had only been a few seconds at most, and normally when Sampson had his back turned, so he couldn't know. Well, there were those times when Sampson would turn around, but then Jacob would look away, to something else.
So he couldn't know.
So what did that mean.
His secret ruined, his nightmare brought to life. He thought about what the people would think. What his friends would say, what the church would do to him, would he even be let on the basketball team if he went to try out for it now? They never said anything against it, but he knew the thoughts they'd have. And he couldn't let it out so he'd have to make Sampson think he was wrong, so he needed to say something and quick.
"I-I don't know what you mean."
"Come on Jacob," Sampson said taking a hold of Jacob's chin forcing their gazes to meet. "You're good at hiding it, but I can tell what your eyes are saying when you look at me like that. Though if I wasn't staring at you so much, I doubt I would have noticed it."
Wait…Sampson staring at him.
Did that mean…
Sampson, the guy Jacob had this crush on for so long knew his secret.
And felt the same.
Jacob's eyes flew along the deck, seeing it was empty along this side of the house apart from the two of them. So no one else saw it.
But Sampson was here, and knew it.
Jacob couldn't just pretend this never happened, keep his secrets buried deep inside where no one could see.
He couldn't pretend he didn't feel this way, have these affections.
Sampson was confessing a love for him.
He couldn't return it, that wouldn't be right.
But he felt the same.
And he wanted to tell him.
So what should he do?
He looked for a way out, a place to run.
But beneath Sampson's strong and affectionate gaze, he couldn't go anywhere. He didn't want to. His heart told him there was no other place for him, no better place to be.
"You…" Jacob said, the words failing to come to him.
"You're beautiful, especially like this," Sampson running and hand along Jacob's cheek, who shivered at the touch.
"But I-" Jacob tried looking away, tried willing Sampson to leave. "I can't."
"You don't have to be afraid," Sampson said, "I'm here for you."
Through shortened breaths, and a rapidly beating heart, Jacob nodded, agreeing to something but he wasn't sure quite of what.
And then Sampson moved in close, their faces nearly touching. Jacob's eyes went wide as he realized what this was, but he was too late to command his body to stop it, if he even wanted to at all. Their mouths met, pressing against each other.
The touch, so soft, so gentle, Jacob pushed into it. The sensation was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Feeling a chill go down his spine at the touch, he leaned forward, pushing Sampson up with him. Their lips danced for a moment, embracing each other, taking in each other's essence.
Here he was, kissing Sampson. The feeling was beyond his wildest dreams. A smile spread across Jacob's lips as he deepened the kiss. He moved his arms up ready to hug Sampson.
But then his mind kicked back on, as he thought about what he was doing beyond just the joy of the experience.
He was kissing Sampson.
That was wrong, an abomination.
He remembered what it said in Leviticus. How God hated sin like this.
"I-I'm sorry," Sampson said looking down, away from Jacob. Jacob got up and started backing away, unable to comprehend what he just did. He had to get away from this, get away from Sampson. He didn't know how, but that didn't matter. He'd just stay away from Sampson for the rest of high school; or at least until Sampson found a girlfriend, or maybe even a boyfriend. At this point, Jacob didn't really care. He just knew it couldn't be him.
"I just, you know, thought that you'd…you know," Sampson said stuttering.
"It's okay," Jacob said, seeing the look of rejection and hurt on Sampson's face, and couldn't help but feel bad, knowing that he was the cause of it. And the kiss was okay, in fact, he wanted to do it again. But he couldn't.
"I should have asked first," Sampson said standing up and walking a step toward Jacob. A part of Jacob's mind told him to run. He couldn't let this go any further, he'd already let this go too far.
"I just," Jacob said, still not able to find the right words. How to reject him without hurting him? He looked back to the house, thinking of all the people who saw it. There were so many people who could have seen it, from a window up stairs, to someone out front.
"Don't worry, they don't know."
"They can't know," Jacob said fighting back a couple tears, just imagining what would happen to his life if people knew he was gay. Everything would change, he knew that.
"Do you still want me to take you home?" Sampson asked as Jacob's eyes lit up. Where else could a simple ride go? He could get away here, put distance between them to stop whenever his mind told him to keep going. "Just a ride, as friends. Nothing more, I promise."
Could he trust Sampson? Could he trust himself with Sampson?
Still, he didn't want to be here. He'd known that pretty much since just getting here.
And if he wanted to go, then Sampson would be the best way to go home. He could think about what happened on the way home, and just sit in silence if needed.
"All right," Jacob said taking a few even breaths, trying to forget about the kiss, the feeling, the joy. He shook his head, and tried to ponder other things, like why the sky was blue, or why the quadratic formula worked.
Sampson got his keys out and the two of them started walking down the deck to the driveway at the side of the house.
"I have to say, you're a pretty good kisser," Sampson said. "That was fun." Sampson smiled at Jacob, and he wondered if this really was a good idea.
"I enjoyed that too," he admitted. "But we can't do that again." No matter how much he wanted to, no matter how much he wanted more. Sampson was so sweet, so strong, and Jacob loved being with him like that.
"Of course," Sampson said. "I just, got a bit too excited there, that's all."
"So let's just forget about it," Jacob said as firmly as he could, though he knew how weak his voice was, along with his will.
"If that's what you want," Sampson said as the two of them got into Sampson's red sports car. Jacob wondered exactly what kind of car it was, but he didn't know enough about cars to be able to tell the difference between any two of them.
As Sampson started pulling out of the driveway, Jacob looked up into the sky, trying to think about what he'd done with the person in the same car as him. If he did, he was sure his mind would go to places it shouldn't and if that happened, what would stop the rest of his body from following along?
Word Count: 5332
A/N: You know, characters really don't like doing what I want them too. I'm not sure if I already posted this, but thanks to Jackie/WoundedHearts for her medical knowledge of what happened to Sampson during the accident in the weight room.