Chapter 2

The days crawl by, they are long and tiresome and no matter what I do Yang is never satisfied, I run labs, write orders and know the answer to every single question she asks, I have memorized every one of her patients charts, but no matter what I do it´s never enough. The day Dr Torres found me in the closet really made me think and despite school, collage and med school I really don´t know anything, The day I graduated from med school I thought I was prepared for a life in medicine but almost every day I see something that shakes me down to the core and I feel like vomiting, so far I have managed to hold it in but every day I grow closer,today was one of those days.

I just stood there outside the ER doors watching Dr Yang hold a mans intestines in her hands, I stare as Dr Yang helps the man lay down on a gurney, I just stare, I don´t know why I don´t help them, I can´t move I feel like I am seeing that man die in front of me, I hear the screams of his family but I just block them out I block out everything and I just stand there staring.

Someone put their hand on my shoulder and jerk and look up in the eyes of a slightly taller Callie Torres, she pulls me out of the way as Dr Yang and everyone else rush past me in to the ER, I look at my feet still feeling her hand on my shoulder.

"Are you OK she asks still looking at me.

I just continue to stare at my feet not saying a word.

"Why is it that you have no problem seeing an open body at an operation table but whenever you are in the ER at a serious trauma you freeze?

I force my jaw shut and try to hold back the tears that are building up behind my eyes.

She just looks at me with a small frown and then looks up.

"Come on lets get inside, it´s starting to rain.

I look up at the sky and confirms that it is raining when a big drop hits me on the right cheek, Callie pulls me inside and drags me to an on-call room where she uses her strong grip on my shoulder to turn my face to hers, and we now stand face to face in a locked on-call room. I blush slightly and again turn to face my shoes.

She lets go of my shoulder and gently put her hand at my right cheek and gently force me to face her again. I stare in to her eyes, who are full of concern and worry. I can feel her gently caress my face with her thumb, the single rain drop that still is on my cheek is given a gentle stroke, I can imagine her doing the same with the tears I am still holding back. I let a small breath escape me as I still stare into her beautiful brown eyes.

She removes her hand and take a step back, I gulp as if I lost my breath and immediately miss her worm touch. She still hold my gaze as she moves to lean against the wall furthest away from me.

"I don´t know what happened and I am not expecting you to explain it to me but you need to realize your situation, she says not harsh but not gentle either.

I just continue to look at her as she crossed her arms under her chest when she spoke.

" You need to realize that doctors don´t freeze, no matter what, no matter how gross or disgusting a patient is and no matter who they are, it is your responsibility as a doctor to do everything in your power to make sure that they will survive, you can´t do that if your head is not in the game and what happened out there today can never happen again, and if it does you can be sure that you won´t survive this program.

A gamble, do I trust her, do I tell her, do I want to tell her, I barley know her. Callie just looks at me as I struggle internally to find an answer.

"I didn't find him gross or disgusting, it wasn't the patient that made me freeze I say with a low voice. I feel small under her harsh look. She don´t say anything she is just waiting for me to continue.

"It was his family, their screams, their cries, it just reminded me of something that happened to me.

I can´t hold back my tears anymore and I can feel the fall over my hot cheeks. It was a gamble I knew that, to revel something so personal about myself to a person I barley knew, nut ever since I meet her she has been looking after me, allowed me to help her and at at a few and very rare moments she stood up for me in front of Yang.

"My brother, my brother I say with a small voice, "his family reminded me of my brother. Callie has pushed herself of the wall and her hands are no longer crossed under her chest.

"My brother was a marine in Irak, he was at the end of his run over there so he called me and said that he was on his way home and that he would be back in four days. This was just after I graduated from collage so I promised that I would pick mom and dad up and meet him at the base. Four days later we were waiting at the base for someone to take us to my brother, an officer came in to the waiting room where we sat and he had this look on his face and I just knew, I knew what he was saying but I couldn't hear him, he led us to one of the plane-hangars and I saw a coffin draped with an American flag and I new it was meant for him, and I knew that he was dead, it didn't matter that I had just spoken to him four days ago and that he was leaving, he was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.

They told my mum and dad that on their way back to the airbase they were ambushed and that my brother died saving nine other men. I just stood there in front of Callie crying my eyes out while telling her a person a barley knew things I hadn't talked about with anyone in years.

She just looked at me, not with pity just understanding, she took two long strides towards me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. I feel her arms around me and continue to cry into her chest. I don´t know how long we stood there hugging all I know is that I could stay in her arms forever, the safety, the calm I felt while standing there with her arms around me was something I had never felt from another woman's embrace.

I was startled when she pulled away and I had to blink several times as the last of my tears left my eyes, she cupped my face with both her hands and again used her thumbs to stroke my cheeks and completely removing my tears from my face. I stared into her eyes and she stared back still cupping my cheeks. She gave me a small smile and again I felt like I could stay like this forever. My stare fell from her eyes to her mouth and I could feel my mouth watering and I took a small step forward.

Callie noticed my action and gave my cheeks another gentle stroke before taking a small step back while letting go of my cheeks. Again I was startled and I looked up in her face but this time I wasn't meet by a smile but concern, I realized what I had almost done and stared into the floor with cheeks as red as roses.

Callie's concerned look didn't leave her face but she didn't say anything´.

I could feel the situation turn for the worse.

"Whenever I see a crying family member of a dying patient I relive the worst moment of my life, I try not to feel I really do, and I promise it wont happen again I say with haste and the I bolt from the room.

Callie looks after me as I run towards the ER, I had totally forgotten that I am supposed to be in the ER all day, Yang is going to kill me if she finds out that I haven't been there for only gods know how long. I look over my shoulder and see Callie still in the on-call room looking after me.