Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

Chapter 1 - Ichigo Kurosaki

A/N: It's been a rough week and I needed a bit of humor and silliness, so I thought I'd try this. Let me know what you think!

After reading some of the reviews, I would like to make it very clear that I'm not trying to diss any pairings in these drabbles. I'm just trying to imagine what the Bleach characters themselves would say about them, and remember, there are very few canon pairings.

Those of you who have read my writing know that I am poking fun at some of the pairings (and clichés) I myself love and/or write.

So please remember not to take any of this too seriously. I promise not to put any of my own or others' pairing preferences in these drabbles. Canon pairings only, and even those may come in for some roasting.

This story is being translated into Italian by the talented Ameshiri! You can see the translation on the Italian fanfiction site EFP here ( efpfanfic dot net slash viewstory. php?sid=1222295&i=1).

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Inspired by Horizons' Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/8/12.)

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Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,

I just found your site, and frankly, it's disturbing. Why do half of your stories involve a romance between me and someone else? I mean, last I heard, this is a shounen manga. That means lots of fighting and me protecting shit.

Besides, I'm 17 and every other episode I'm busy saving the world. Plus I have homework. I don't have time for a girlfriend. Write about Byakuya and Hisana or Gin and Rangiku or someone. Sheesh!

OK, I can see you hooking me up with Rukia—she changed my life, and she's always there to knock some sense into me when I'm down. Plus, yeah, it was embarrassing having her sleep in my closet. (Have you ever tried to tell Rukia to stop doing something she wants to do? She's like a force of nature.) But she's not interested in me that way. We're friends.

Or Inoue—well, she's the idol of Karakura High; we've been close friends since middle school and I've always been protective of her. But she's not interested in me that way either.

But… I just saw some of the most popular stories involve me and… Grimmjow? What the fuck is that? First of all, I'm not gay. And even if I were, the bastard wants to fight me, not have sex with me. He's a Hollow for crying out loud. They eat souls, remember?

And… this is the worst of all: me and Aizen. I mean, Aizen? Hello, he's the one who caused all these problems in the first place. My whole purpose is to defeat him. And… have you forgotten he's a mass murderer? What is wrong with you people?

Crazed Fangirl: Aizen-sama hasn't really killed anyone. Momo is still alive. Harribel is still alive. And all the captains he defeated are still alive.

Me: What about Gin? And, um, Central 46?

Crazed Fangirl: Oh. *deflates* Yeah. I forgot about them. But… he's still awesome.

Me: 'Forgot'? Excuse me? Anyone who's murdered at least forty-seven people is not what I'd call awesome. *shakes head* It's a good thing he's in prison where all the fangirls can't get at him. Who knows what he could manipulate them into doing?

Seriously, stop it. Just stop it.

Sincerely,

Ichigo Kurosaki

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A/N: Review and leave your suggestions for characters you think should write a letter, pairings you think deserve to have a bit of fun poked at them, or any other fanfiction clichés.

And if you don't have any ideas, please review anyway and let me know what you think!