|Dragons Be Trolling
Author: Swiftshadow123 PM
When a dragon decides to torch and maim the inhabitants of a small, peaceful seaside village, one brave woman will risk it all or rather her heart to bring the beast down. Yeah, it didn't work. Parody fic.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Arisen - Words: 1,852 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 7 - Published: 07-10-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8307089
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Welcome to a new story! Before you read, it is important to understand some things:
I do not own a copy of Dragon's Dogma, but I have seen videos of the game, and I think it's awesome. So, as I saw the cutscene in the beginning…I couldn't help but write a small parody on it. I might continue this fic, I might not. If you're a major fan of the game, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS FIC SERIOUSLY. It's an affectionate parody, nothing more.
Disclaimer: I do not claim to own anything from Dragon's Dogma. It belongs to Capcom. I do not own the rights to Into Free, either. If I did, then…hmm, nothing much would happen.
Dragons Be Trolling
Once apon a time, a dude owned a chimera, and went off to fight a dragon with his band of merry friends. The end.
And thus, many lifetimes passed. Some French dude made some quote that no one can understand clearly. Of course, you can have your own interpretation.
And our story of the epic misadventure of dogma and ideas, starts in a small starting town like any other. Scratch that, it was a boring village in the middle of nowhere. The people living there didn't mind though, as it was situated far, far away from Dragons searching for the next Arisen, hungry griffins, ugly ogres, and other nasty little monsters like that.
However, the fates had decided that now was the time to be genre savvy, and a big freaking portal opened in the sky near the village. We shall not question why no one looked up and saw it. It is hard to miss a portal spewing out infinite screeching harpies. Not to mention dramatic chanting sounding out of nowhere.
But while harpies were flying out to take their revenge on the people below, a random glowing dragon was born. We shall not question how it got there in the clouds. It might or might not have something to do with Arisen, and stuff like that. And it may have something to do with the catchy theme song that is incredibly unfitting to the game. Because, you know…the dragon's flying into free. And it's like a bullet, sort of. Never mind, interpret it however you want.
The not important red dragon stayed curled up, as it fell out of the portal, grazing and hitting a few harpies and pigeons on the way. One of them turned to her friend.
"The heck is that thing?" She screeched, in Harpy speech. The other one just shrugged, even though she was flying.
"I don't know. We're not important to plot."
Behind them, the red dragon's eyes snapped open. It roared, and uncurled, its tail whipping around in the air and sending many harpies to their briny deaths. The Brine had a feast that day.
"Should we…I don't know, panic and move?" the harpy wondered.
"Oh, don't worry, it prefers humans to harpEEEEEEEE!" the bird screamed as she was chomped in half by the dragon. The other one turned around.
"Sister? SISTER!" she wailed. The dragon ate her as well, as it was hungry, and did not give a damn about being friendly to its fellow monsters. It continued flying towards the small starting town, as if on a deadly mission that could end in someone's heart getting ripped out.
Wait, that is going to happen.
Meanwhile in our generic starter town, everything was happily normal. Kids were playing, a random girl not important to the story (like the red dragon) was ambling along, smiling to herself, and some people were selling their wares. The random girl looked out across the nearby sea, admiring the beautiful view. She didn't see the distant winged dot making its way towards the village like a bullet.
"Hear ye hear ye! The resident cat lady has spoken! A new age is upon us! The dragon is returning! Join the army, and get your backsides owned and flame grilled by the beast! Final offer! Drop your fishing, and come grab a sword!" A random guard shouted to everyone in the village square. Our random person stopped, and waved to another woman passing nearby. The woman smiled and waved back.
All was peaceful, until the inevitable happened, and there was a mini earthquake. Everyone dropped what they were doing, to look shocked. The woman ran over to the random stranger, seemingly hiding behind her, as the guards looked surprised as well. A villager ran over to the crowd.
"EVERYONE SCREAM AND RUN! IT'S THE DRAGON!" The dude yelled, legging it. There was a quiet silence, then everyone started panicking and running around like headless chimeras.
"Get the swords!" Someone shouted. The unimportant stranger ran to the beach, and looked at the sky, to see the red dragon of terror flying straight down, ready to turn the village into a pile of ashes. It hovered in the air, knocking many planks of wood through the air, and squashing many people.
"…Damn, that thing is big. I wasn't expecting that." A guard commented, dropping his sword.
"Hide until it's over so important plot can happen?" another suggested.
"Yea!" The two guards hid behind barrels.
"GROOOOOAR!" The dragon went, looking down at the helpless villagers trying to flee. The stranger was the only person who kept her cool, or rather, decided to set out on a suicidal mission, as she looked around and grabbed the sword the guard had dropped. She hustled over to the dragon, which had landed on the beach, and was now holding a barbeque, with the remaining villagers as the tasty overcooked hamburgers.
"HEY YOU!" She shouted. The dragon paid no attention, and continued roasting people. The woman ran underneath the beast, climbed up its back leg, and crawled onto its back. The dragon felt a slight tickle, and tried to swat at it with its tail.
"DIE DIE DIE! THIS IS FOR MY VILLAGE!" The heroic lady yelled, jabbing the sword repeatedly into the dragon's thick scaled neck. The dragon shook its head, to dislodge the small irritating tickle, which had become an annoyance. It didn't feel it much though. In fact, it was like trying to murder a bear with a blunt needle. It just didn't work, unless you were lucky enough to hit a vital spot.
The dragon reached behind its head, grabbed the woman, and threw her down the beach. She bounced quite a few times, like a stone thrown across the sea. Thankfully, she landed on the soft sand, a little stunned from the blow.
"…" The dragon slowly lifted up its hand, to stare at the tiny toothpick that had been lodged into it. It looked at it for a bit, ideas running through its mind, before letting it fall to the ground, and glaring murderously at the small human that had wounded its hand, and possibly its reputation as well.
Its foggy eyes suddenly turned red, as if it had been possessed. Maybe because it was possessed in a way. It stamped over to the woman, who had just opened her eyes, and was struggling to move. She looked up at the dragon, realising that it was male. But that's not important.
"Grr…Blah blah, heart, blah blah…cans of Sprite…" He suddenly spoke in a deep, ancient voice. The meaning was lost on the woman lying on the sand, as all she heard was a freaky dragon speaking some weird demonic language. She didn't actually know that the dragon had mastered the art of Ominous Latin Chanting, and was now using his unique gift.
"Blah blah, someone is fuming…" The dragon continued chanting. The woman wasn't too happy to have a dragon murmuring such strange talk over her, and knew she had probably sparked the speech. The dragon lowered his head, fixing her with an intense glare and a strange expression on his face, as if he was smiling. He lifted up an enormous deadly and sharp claw.
"…Don't…" The woman pleaded.
"Ni est blah blah, no more…" The dragon slowly lowered his claw over her chest. The woman tried to struggle, but felt something literally jump out of her chest. The next thing she knew, she was looking at a dragon claw that had HER beating heart balancing on it.
"I…need…that…" She groaned softly. The great red monstrosity ignored her, and lifted the heart slowly towards his face.
"Now…blah blah blah…Grigori must eat…" He murmured, as the heart started glowing.
"I…know…your…true name…it's Gregory…" The woman whispered. The dragon finished his chanting, and the woman's wounds started healing.
"Curse…you…" She growled. The dragon opened his mouth, and her heart levitated into it, rather slowly. It seemed as if the dragon was enjoying torturing the woman.
"You have no right…to eat my heart… like it's a savoury chicken nugget…" She said, on the brink of passing out. She stretched her hand out, but the dragon had swallowed her heart.
"Mmmm…" He went, looking down at the lady with what could be described as a trollface look. He then walked away, leaving her on the beach. She promptly blacked out.
Cue the title card, and awesome looking Gregory The Dragon holding a heart in his hands behind the title.
When she woke up, she was lying on the bed.
"I hate dragons…" She muttered, looking down at her ripped and bloodstained clothes. Thankfully, no peeping Tom had tried to peer at it. At least, it didn't look so. She noticed a large dragon shaped scar on her chest, and slowly poked it.
"IF YOU WOULD FACE ME…" The dragon's voice boomed in her head.
"GAH!" She quickly took her hand away, and then slowly put it back over her scar.
"Take up arms, newly Arisen…" The dragon's voice faded away. The new Arisen looked around at the room.
She knew what she had to do. Grab that bow, some arrows and a few handy daggers. Muster up a team of obedient but not the brightest bunch of people she could find. Travel across the land, killing 'em all them monsters she could find.
And find Gregory The Trolling Dragon, and get her heart back.
This was so going to be an epic adventure.
Cue catchy theme song that's unfitting, but awesome.
The wind is pushing me, into the clouds again
I feel the blood in my veins
Time is running free, I feel like letting go
Just like the Dangan
The wave is pushing me, into the current again
I feel the blood in my veins
Time is running free, I feel like letting go
Nothing to slow me down
Dragon inside of me, I feel it letting go
I can't hear not a sound
Flying into free, I hit the mother lode
I am the Dangan
Flying into free
Flying into free