Author: lorgeous176 PM
"No matter what happens… know that you're always the one I wish I was with." If you don't know where you're going next sometimes hope is the only thing you trust even though all you want to do is go backwards. A Heya RPF One-Shot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Drama - Santana L. & Brittany P. - Words: 3,321 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 18 - Published: 07-13-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8317531
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Summary: "No matter what happens… know that you're always the one I wish I was with." If you don't know where you're going next sometimes hope is the only thing you trust even though all you want to do is go backwards. A Heya RPF One-Shot.
Pairings: Naya/Heather, Other: Heather/OC
Disclaimer: This fic is RPF! I do not own anything, this is a complete work of fiction. I DO NOT know either of these women nor am I affiliated with Glee or its creators.
Spoilers: Season 3, some Season 4 predictions
This fic was not edited by a beta. All grammatical and spelling errors are my own. I apologize in advance for any.
A/N: This is my first Heya one-shot that I dared to post. I wrote it on a whim after reading a few saddening talk of fans jumping the Heya/Brittana ship due to the unsettling future that entails our lovely two-shot. I suppose I was inspired to stir some hope in us. I know things look grim, but I guess the optimist in me is trying to cling desperately to those last bits of hope for our ship. While this one-shot may not be the most cheerful, I hope the message resonates through.
For those reading my other fics Liar/Saint and The Latte Girl, I am still working on those. I'm currently studying abroad and haven't had the quality time I like to have when I write. They will be continued though, so please do hang in tight!
Thanks all for the lovely PMs and comments from readers as usual Enjoy!
She wasn't sure when things started to feel backwards. All she knew was that she was feeling the full repercussions now. Everything was slipping through her fingers. The feeling made her grip the thicket of papers in her hands tighter and bore her eyes harder into the words. She did her best to not let her composure slip. She was, after all, still sitting in the conference room with everyone going through the reading.
She just wished she didn't have to find out like this. It shouldn't have to hurt like this… The fact that she thought things were looking up for them, that they could work things out into something real made it all the more unbearable to be in this room. It was like she was stark naked in a cold dark chamber. She felt so vulnerable, so alone in a room filled with the people she had spent two years knowing and loving. She's never felt more disconnected.
Everything was backwards.
Naya shook her head and blinked away tears that were painfully trying to leak from her eyes. She looked up, her face put up again. All eyes were on her.
She nodded as she began to read, no… act to the best of her capabilities. It was the only thing she could do anyways… but even that she doubted sometimes. The words that left her lips didn't sound very convincing. She knew everyone else was aware of her emotions that were so clearly worn on her sleeves. She was supposed to sound excited and youthful and catty. But she didn't feel any of that. She felt tired… she felt tired of this entire trip she's been on.
The Glee wagon.
Sure it's been a grand adventure. But in the end? She regretted everything she had done to get a couple more seconds in the lime light. She regretted it all because she lost her.
Everything was backwards.
And the worst part was that it was permanent.
She finished her two minute introduction scene for the beginning of the fourth, and she hoped final, season of Glee. Where is Santana now? Where will she go?
Her answers for all those damn interview questions were always the same. It's never the answer she wanted to say. But then again, she didn't think she would have the guts to actually say it. Not anymore at least. It's because she messed up everything and it was all beginning to change.
"Even though I know you hated me and we haven't been friends for too long… I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm happy you're here," Lea's voice spoke to her softly. It was unlike her to sound so much like Lea and not much like Rachel.
Even a fool could realize her intentions.
"Me too," Santana choked.
Matt nodded, the only one that thought she was just doing a great acting job. Everyone else knew. She hated that everyone else knew…
Blue skies grew a misty grey. Naya then started to hate herself for looking up into those blue skies… She casted her eyes back down, resuming her paper clutching.
When she started to speak her lines, it felt like she was etching Naya's fate into a tombstone. It all felt deathly over. The smiles, the laughs, the touches, the kisses, the quiet "I love yous". Naya heard her say it before when she thought she was asleep. But she heard and she knew… and she'll always hate herself for never at least whispering it back.
All the memories were hitting her so fast. It made her head spin. She was beginning to feel nauseous. She thought everything had been okay… great even. Their trip in Mexico had been nothing, but loving glances behind shades and sneaky entangling fingers in the sand. She hadn't smiled so much in a long time. It almost felt like she had been whisked back to the first time she stepped on set.
But the feeling couldn't last long… couldn't it?
"I doubt she'll even miss me…"
The way she said it made the lines rip through Naya's heart even deeper than reading them. She couldn't bear another second in that stifling room with everyone's eyes on her. She stood up abruptly, murmuring that she needed some air. As she strode out the door she was pretty sure she heard Matt call out her name, but she couldn't have cared less about him at that moment.
She did so many stupid things for him. He didn't even treat her wrong. He never asked anything of Naya, she just did it for him thinking in the end it would all be worth it.
Even though he came off abrasive and a little too standoffish to others, he really did care. He just didn't understand what people wanted. He didn't understand what Naya wanted… That's why he couldn't keep her.
Naya needed oxygen. She needed a cigarette. She needed to run away. She needed it to be yesterday because everything was fucking backwards.
She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a box of her favorite cigarettes. She slipped one out and rolled it between her lips before frantically looking back in her purse for her lighter.
When she heard soft footsteps, she slowed her movements. She couldn't help her eyes from closing, trying to prevent herself from turning into a mess of tears. If this was the first time someone had met her, they'd think her a crying lunatic. But there was only one person who could make her cry like this and that person, that woman was standing right in front of her.
Those bright blue skies looked so sad. Why did they look so sad? She should be celebrating shouldn't she? Naya didn't think it was fair of her to be sad… she had no reason to.
"You're smoking more again…" was all she said.
Naya stood dumbly with her unlit cigarette hanging loosely from her lips. She hated how this girl made her feel like a fool. She made her feel guilty for things when she felt like she was the one that deserved a moment to be angry.
"I needed to breathe," she had tried to say it firmly, but it came out in quiet waver.
She was weak and it showed. She flicked at her lighter to try to distract herself.
"It never helps, Naya…"
Naya swiped the cigarette from her lips and crushed it in her palm as tears immediately began to threaten to spill over. She tossed it on the ground and turned away from her. She just needed to get away from all of this.
"Just leave me alone… okay?" she didn't want it to be a question, but it came out like one anyway.
She ignored her plea like Naya anticipated she would. She took a step closer.
"It never helps running away," she explained.
"What do you expect me to do in a situation like this?" Naya bit back, turning around slowly to face her. She recoiled.
She wished she could have gained some sort of satisfaction from it, but it just made her feel worse the way her face crumpled up. Naya furiously wiped at her make-up smudged face. She probably looked hideous with streaks of black going down her cheeks and her nose wet and colored cherry red. She probably winced at her because of how ugly she looked. It was pathetic. She scolded herself for admitting that the other girl had such a tight hold on her emotions.
Naya straightened her back and placed her purse back down as if to regain some sort of composure over her body that was convulsing every second.
"I suppose congratulation is in order. That is why you came out here isn't it?"
"Don't be like that, Nay," she said firmly.
She used to love that pet name. Now she hated it… or at least she wanted to.
"I'm just trying to do what is expected of me," Naya replied quietly.
"I'd never want you to lie to me though," she pleaded.
Naya's lips pursed.
"Fine. I'll congratulate you then… but I can't be happy for you. It'll hurt too much to even try. Is that what you want to hear?"
"I never wanted to hurt you, Naya. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Yah, well I wasn't really expecting to find out this way either," she wished her voice would stop fucking shaking.
"I'm so sorry."
"You have no reason to be sorry. You're going to marry the person you love. Not everyone gets to do that. You're lucky," she said bitterly.
"That's where you're wrong. You know that."
Naya couldn't say anything because she knew what was coming next.
"I'm in love with you."
She said it so easily. It was as if she was just saying 'hello' to someone or like she was stating a simple fact, like how her favorite snack was Goldfish. It didn't matter how it sounded. It always made Naya's breath hitch and heart leap whenever she said it.
"You, Naya… I'm in love with you."
She was stepping closer and it was suddenly getting harder for Naya to breathe. Warm fingers trailed down her arms and then hooked with her own. She swallowed hard and looked at anything but those blue skies. She knew if she did that she would fly up and away in them.
"I-I know… and that's why this doesn't make sense. I thought that you… that we…" Naya couldn't make out her words.
"You loved me in Mexico, you loved me last weekend, you loved me yesterday… but now I don't know what to think anymore," she said stupidly. She felt like a fool being tricked this whole time.
"You think I don't love you?" she asked in disbelief, brows furrowed and eyes sullen. "Love doesn't change overnight. Nothing has changed for me… you pushed me away—"
Naya couldn't handle it as she choked on a sob and tried to pull away. She held on to her tighter.
"You can't tell me you love me. That's not fucking fair, Heather," she cursed at her. She felt so bottled in, trapped, as Heather clutched on to her desperately. She knew she wanted her to understand, but she couldn't… hearts can't be torn in two different directions like this. She spoke her thoughts aloud.
"It's not possible to be in love with two people at once. You can't come here and tell me wonderful things like this when you can't be with me…"
Heather brought her closer into her body. Naya let her do it. There wasn't any point in resisting.
"I never stopped anything between us. The thing standing in the way was you… you wouldn't let yourself love me Naya," Heather told her.
"Please… don't make this harder than it is. You don't think I already know that it's my fault?"
"I don't… I don't mean it to come across like that. It's no one person's fault. I just—"
"If this is how it's going to end, just do it quick. It'll be easier on the both of us. If not then do it for me, please?" she blubbered out quickly. She could barely understand her own words nor could she believe how desperate she sounded. But she wanted the pain to be over. She hoped severing Heather off completely was the right remedy.
"I don't want this to be goodbye. This isn't goodbye, Naya…"
Naya chanced a glance up at Heather and wasn't surprised to see blue skies turned into rainy storms. Her face matched Naya's blotchy one, except Heather was a beautiful crier.
"Then what is it? Because it certainly does fucking feel like it…"
"I don't like this either. Do you honestly think I wanted to say yes?"
"Then why did you?"
Her lips scrunched up. Naya knew she was having a hard time saying what she trying to tell her. Naya knew the truth…
"Because you couldn't say it Naya. And it hurts even more because… because I know you want to say it. So I gave up and I said yes," she sobbed.
The two held each other in silence. They held each other in regret. Naya knew that she was telling her the truth. The truth made it all hurt even more. It made her realize how much this mess was made by her mistakes.
"I'm scared…" she whispered admittedly.
"I know… I am too," Heather agreed.
"If you need me to say it, I will. I'll say it a million times over," Naya suddenly blurted out to her. She couldn't let this go so easily. She'd realized having her know was better if she couldn't have her at all. Things could be reversible couldn't it? They could do it together. If they wanted to they could turn back time. Together Naya believed they could do anything.
"It shouldn't feel like an obligation," Heather mumbled sadly. Naya could hear the disappointment. The time machine that she was creating in her head clattered to pieces. She bit her lip hard, punishing herself.
She was wrong… there was no turning back when bridges were already burned. She had to wake up and face the reality of all of this. The love of her life was moving on, and she was stuck in the same place.
"Please… don't… don't give up hope on me."
"You may think it is, Naya, but nothing is permanent… We have another season together, so of course I have hope. But I can't make you do anything. You have to pluck up the courage on your own."
"You're telling me all these things… but that ring shows me something different," Naya said disheartened as she looked down at their intertwined fingers, a new glimmering addition to Heather's left hand. It looked like it hung too loosely on her finger, the band tilted with the weight of the diamond. It just seemed so out of place… so unfitting because it came from him. No. It was wrong to say that. Naya was jealous and she would willingly admit that.
"You know that you'll always have my heart, Naya."
Naya let out a shaky breath as Heather rested her forehead against hers, nuzzling their noses together. Their lips were so close. It was so tempting for Naya to just tilt her chin up and kiss her.
"No matter what happens… know that you're always the one I wish I was with."
And it felt like a kiss from the wind. Heather's lips brushed lightly against hers. It was quick… too quick for Naya to savor it. She knew Heather did that for a purpose. There was a purpose in everything she did. When she opened her eyes she was already walking away. Naya watched until she went back through the doors, she didn't even cast a second glance back at her.
"It isn't goodbye…" she had to tell herself. Tears streamed down her face anyways. She wiped at her eyes harshly. Naya knew she would look a complete mess when she walked back in… there wasn't any purpose in trying to hide how she was feeling now.
Everything important to her was leaving her behind alone with nothing but smoke and smashed cigarettes. She couldn't do anything about it. All she could do was let the pieces fall together on their own. Naya leant down to pick up her purse and lighter.
She took a step towards the door, but then stopped herself. She wished she could go back. She closed her eyes briefly and remembered the two of them in this very spot before in golf cart in their Cheerios outfits. They were smiling and laughing and in love… It was something Naya never wanted to admit though. She thought it would disappear if she did. Turned out it disappeared because she didn't.
She shook her head, not able to handle it and began to retreat back.
Everything was backwards. Everything she wanted was in the past.
Her body racked violently in sobs as she tried desperately to keep herself from falling apart. She breathed in and out frantically, trying her hardest to fill her deprived lungs with oxygen.
Naya wished she could change her mistakes from the past so it could all be the same. But wishing seemed to never get her anywhere.
Everything was backwards.
Everything was backwards, but she was being told to stop caring about it. It wasn't fair. With everything Heather just told her, it felt like she was leading her on… keeping her latched on to false hope. And like a hungry fish Naya fell for the bait. She was hoping that she could hold on to Heather's heart a little longer. She was hoping she could fix what had been broken. She was hoping she could show how much she did love Heather, because she does. She had hope.
She had hope because that's what Heather had to give her and anything she gave her Naya would willingly take. Heather had purpose and Naya had to remember that.
Naya nodded her head as reality sunk in. She wiped at her nose and her wet cheeks with the sleeve of her jacket. She no longer had any control over anything. It would just all have to fall into place if it was meant to be.
But fate had laid a hand on them.
She had her trust invested in fate…
All that could be done now was move forward.