Chapter 12

I am so sexually frustrated that I'm going to pop. I haven't seen Edward in a week. Once since the baseball game, but that's it. It's not his fault, though. I've been busy and regret each time I have to tell him I can't see him.

I had to visit Rose in Philadelphia because she was bored with Emmett in training camp. I spent four days with her and couldn't wait to get back home. Then it seemed like every child in the state needed cavities filled so Edward was bogged down with that.

Tonight is the night.

I can't wait to see him. I'm already in sexy, red lace underwear with my robe tied around my waist. Edward is spending the weekend with me, and I am nearly chewing my lip off in anticipation.

I hear a car outside, but try not to jump up from the couch. I casually walk towards the front windows and pull back the curtains. Sure enough, Edward is parallel parking his Jaguar.

I go to the door and crack it a little bit, hiding behind. I would run out to greet him, but my less than appropriate attire would get my neighbors' tongues wagging.

"I see you hiding from me." Edward pushes through the entranceway and grabs me by the waist. He drops a heavy bag on the floor and shuts the door.

"I missed you," I breathe heavily between his kisses.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." Edward lifts me up and leads us over to the couch where I was sitting.

His hands begin to clutch and pull at the silk fabric of my robe. He opens it and continues his sinful exploration of my neck with his lips. It feels so good that I quiver under his touch.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Edward pulls back a little and stares at my body.

"I thought I'd dress up... or down. Depending on how you look at it." I lick my lips. "Don't you like it?"

"Red's my favorite color. How did you know?" He captures my lips, and his strong grasp bolts me to his body.

"I think you've told me that before."

We're lying horizontal on the couch, him on top of me, until I reverse our positions. I rip his shirt away and he helps me with his pants. I throw them across the room and then I straddle him. His stare is making me feel powerful, and I can feel him squirming under my body. Edward wants me. He always wants me.

"It's been too long, Bella. I'm dying." His voice is raspy and needy.

There's no time for foreplay. We have the whole weekend. Our underwear is discarded and we touch a little bit, but there's no need. We're already there.

I place him at my entrance and tease him a little. He throws his head back against the pillows, cursing at me. My body takes him in fully; it's been so long that I forgot how good he feels.

"God, Bella..." Edward grunts when we become one.

We move slowly, testing each other at first and then quicken with passion. His hands grip at the couch cushions for a couple of minutes while I work above him. He then takes control and pulls my face towards his. Our lips lock and his hips roll up into mine. I'm not doing much work anymore and he pushes deeper into my body.

Edward whispers dirty things into my ear. How much he wants this, how hard his week has been without me, how long he's waited to be inside me. It was so wonderful and fulfilling.

I scream my release and he's not that far after. I collapse on top of him, a jumbled pile of sweaty limbs, as I breathe into his chest.

"I need you like I need water." Edward kisses my hair.

"That's a cheesy line, but thank you."

"It's cheesy, but it's true." He lifts my face up and kisses me more. "You have no idea how much I need you."

My breathing comes quicker. I look at his eyes and they tell me he's being sincere. For me, I already know that I have to be careful. I can't fall in too deep. Is he falling as well?

I push away from the couch, grabbing my robe. "Come on. It's time for dinner."

Edward stretches his arms above his head. "You took a lot out of me."

"And it's only the beginning." I take his hand and pull him from the couch.

The rest of the night is spent with me making spaghetti. Edward smokes a joint, sitting on the counter, and we go through a whole bottle of wine before the meal is even finished.

A little tipsy and high, we sit down to eat several helpings. Edward calls it "carbo-loading" for the frisky night ahead.

True to his promise, we fuck like rabbits. I barely have a second to breathe, and by morning, we have only gotten about two hours of sleep.

My phone alarm rings, signaling our time to wake up.

"No, turn that shit off." Edward rolls away from our embrace.

"We have to get up for the gym. I want to stay in, but we can't."

"Bella, please don't make us go." He grabs me and pulls me closer to his hard body. "Don't leave."

"I won't." I say, holding his hand on my stomach.

We don't move for the next hour. I don't fall back asleep, but I can hear him snoring softly into my ear. He's so warm wrapped around me. I can feel every inch of him against me, and it is glorious. The hair on his legs prickles the skin of my lower body, and I shudder whenever he moves in sleep.

"Edward," I whisper into his ear an hour later, "we really have to get up."

He doesn't respond at first, but I trail my hands over his chest and he bites his lip. "Bella, please stop."

"I want to go to the gym," I whine. "Please wake up."

"This is my day to just relax. Let me have this one day to sleep in." He covers my body with his.

"Well, I'm going with or without you." I throw his arm off and get out of bed before he has the chance to grab me again.

I dress in my workout clothes and hear Edward mutter under his breath as he does the same. We grab granola bars and water bottles on our way out of the door. He wants to drive, so we take his car and arrive at the gym ten minutes later.

I spend most of my time in a spinning class. It's hell on my legs, but oddly satisfying. After I stretch my body out, I leave to find Edward.

I stand and watch as he lifts a pair of dumbbells above his head.

God, he's hot...

His sleeveless shirt allows me to see his arms, and I suck on the opening of my water bottle, needing to satisfy my lusty mouth. He's sweaty and masculine and looks angry. I can't get enough.

I watch for another five minutes before he places the weights back in the stand. He sits on a nearby bench, exhausted but beautiful, and shakes a container filled with some kind of dark brown liquid. He guzzles it down, and then breathes deeply through his nose.

I walk over to him. "What the hell is that?"

"What?" He lifts his head and stands up.

"That stuff." I point to his bottle.

"Oh, nothing." He shrugs. "Just a protein shake."

"Why are you drinking that?" I don't know why I'm pushing this, but it seems out of character for him.

"I have for the past month or so." He hangs his head.

"What aren't you telling me?" I want to touch him, but we're in public so I don't.

"I... I want to look good for you. I have a nice body for a thirty-five year old, but I could be better. I figure I might give this a shot."

I snort because I think he's joking, but then realize very quickly that he's not. "Are you kidding me, Edward? You don't have to drink this. I like you the way you are."

"I don't need a self-esteem lesson, Bella. I just wanted to try it." He seems agitated. "People probably think to themselves 'what is that hot, young girl doing with that old geezer?'"

"You're not... that old and as I said, I like you the way you are."

We get back to my place and take a shower. It's a rather intense fucking session, and I come so hard that my entire body shakes. I collapse on the floor, and Edward has to carry me to the bed.

We take a long nap and wake up when my phone rings two hours later.

"Hello?" I ask, my voice thick with sleep.

"Hi, Bella. This is Irina."

I shoot up in bed. "Hi. I didn't expect to hear from you."

"I know. I'm coming back home from a business trip tonight and was wondering if you wanted to get lunch tomorrow. Just us girls."

Tonight? She was supposed to be in Panama for another three days.

"Oh, I don't think that would be such a great idea. I know you're probably tired and I'm really busy."

"Please, Bella. I really need someone to talk to and we got on so well. I can come into the city. It'll be an hour lunch, tops."

I want to say no. I need to say no, but I agree to meet her. I hang up and almost forget that Edward is lying next to me.

"Your wife," I say before he can ask me who was on the phone, "We're having lunch tomorrow."

"Are you two...friends now, or something?"

I shake my head 'no'.

Edward sighs, but doesn't say anything.

Irina ironically calls him ten minutes later and tells him that she's coming home. He seems agitated and surprised. We fuck one last time before he gets up to shower.

Edward leaves an hour later, his bags packed, filed with unused clothes. We had our days planned, but Irina ruined it. I'm so pissed and sad.

The next day, I spend some time window-shopping for a new lamp for my family room. I am just comparing prices and wasting time before I meet with Irina for lunch.

I realize that I'm being a horrible human being. What kind of person goes to lunch with a woman whose husband she's slept with not twelve hours before? I wonder what she would call us if she found out I was sleeping Edward.

Home-wrecker...

Slut...

Bitch...

"Bella?" a voice asks from next to me.

I nearly jump out of my skin.

"Oh, Irina." I grip my purse tighter to signify that my hands aren't free for a hug.

"I thought that was you." She smiles.

"Yeah, just shopping. The restaurant is right over there." I point it out. "Thought I'd stay close."

"I'm glad you could meet with me. I miss you." We begin walking down the street.

"How was your trip?" I ask when we sit down at the outside cafe.

"So much fun." She dives into a lengthy story about where she went and what she did. When Edward talks about his job, I'm intrigued and can't get enough. When it's Irina, I don't give a fuck. I don't even know what she does.

I keep my hands in tight balls under the table. She makes me so mad. She has this wonderful husband and four beautiful boys at home. But here she is gallivanting across the world.

I was all in favor of Irina having a job, but there needs to be some balance in her life. I've counted over the past month. In thirty days, she's been home only six of them. Six days! It was the same the month before.

I hate Irina. I want to rip her hair out. I want to shout and scream at her for giving up what I want. I want her husband and her children. I probably will never have them and that's what pisses me off.

"So what about you?" Irina asks.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening." I snap back to the conversation.

She giggles, "You're so blunt. I love that about you."

"Oh." I shrug, not knowing what to say.

"I asked if you have a boyfriend?"

"No," I shake my head, "I don't have much time."

"Really? What do you do all day? Do you have a job?" She sips some water superiorly. Irina wants me to know that she's better than me.

"Yes, actually. I do," I respond.

Before we can talk again, Irina picks up her phone from the table, which is vibrating. She's frustrated when she answers the text message.

As we eat, the phone keeps going off and she gets even madder.

"I'm sorry about this. My youngest is getting on my nerves." She rolls her eyes. "He's always calling."

"Jonathan Francis? How's he doing?"

"Um, good. I think." She hesitates. "I'm not sure how my family is doing, actually. We've all been so busy lately it's hard to see each other."

You're a mother, but you can't see your children? Bullshit.

"And Edward? How is he?" I push her.

She sighs, "He's wonderful, as always. We haven't really... connected with each other in quite some time, if you know what I mean. Just two passing ships in the night."

I want to throw up.

"Oh. Well, that's understandable. You're working a lot. He's probably exhausted, too, from taking care of the kids."

...And fucking me so much.

" I'm thinking about taking some time off and planning a weekend trip for us since I wasn't at the camping trip. I heard you guys had fun."

"We did. You missed out." I glare at her when she looks away from me.

Irina asks for some ideas for her and Edward's "weekend getaway". Cabin in the woods? Hut on the beaches of Hawaii? City trip to New York?

"Or what about an international trip? You're from abroad. Do you have any suggestions?" she asks brightly.

I find it hard to stomach her conversation and figure out pretty quickly that this was a bad idea. We need to have as minimal amount of contact as possible.

I tell her that I'm not feeling well, which I'm not, and pay my portion of the bill before stomping back to my car. Irina texts me as I drive home and wishes me a speedy recovery before saying that she might as well come home too and... connect with Edward. She adds a winky face at the end.

I have to pull over and control myself.

"You can't cry, Bella. You can't," I tell myself.

I'm so stupid.

She's Edward's wife. She has every right to want his love and affection and kisses. But I'm selfish and I want all that, too. The question is: does he want me? Stupidly, it never occurred to me that Edward and Irina might be still having sex. He assured me they weren't, but she was never home enough, so I convinced myself that it was true.

Now she's talking about taking time off. Time off for fucking.

I'm his girlfriend, but she's his wife. Two very different roles. I need to accept that.

I hate sounding so immature, but it's times like these when I'm reminded of just how young I am.

As if she knows I'm suffering, my mother calls my cellphone the moment I step in the door.

"Bella, we never talk anymore," she starts off.

"Sorry, Mom. I've been really busy with the move and everything." I drop my purse off in the chair near the front door.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Renee's voice sounds worried.

"I'm fine. Just a little sick." I sink into the leather of my couch.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. How are you?"

"Oh, fine. You know, just the same ole' me. Painting and drinking."

"Sounds like the life." I pick at my nails.

"Have you found a job yet?"

"I told you I'm working at the museum. I started last month."

"That's right. I completely forget."

A long silence envelopes our conversation. As always, when my mother and I get the preliminaries out of the way, we have nothing else to talk about.

"So... is there a guy you've met in Boston?"

"Not really?"

"I know you're seeing a married man, Bella!" she shouts at me. "I've been holding that in for too long."

I want to die. I want to crawl under a rock and die. But only after I kill my sister.

"He's..." I try to make some kind of excuse, but can't think of one.

"He's married. I can't believe you."

"Mom, calm down."

"No, I will not calm down. I thought I raised you better than this."

"You didn't raise me at all!" I stand up from the sofa, my breathing erratic and angry.

Once again, there is silence for at least a minute.

"I guess I deserve that dig," Renee sighs.

"Mom, look, I didn't tell you because I never planned on this thing being more than just sex. Yes, he's married, and I'm probably breaking a thousand rules, but I can't help myself."

"Oh, Bella. I might not have raised you, but I know you better than anyone on this earth. Did you really think this would only be about sex for you?"

"I... I don't know." My voice is little and I sit back down. "I think I love him, Mom."

"Well, of course you do! That's how it always happens. It's a story as old as time: Man seduces girl, girl thinks it's just physical, girl falls for man, man leaves girl crying. Has he told you how much you mean to him and how much he likes you?"

I nod to myself, but don't reply.

"Has he said he's going to leave his wife?"

"No, he's never said that."

"Have you talked to him about it? Have you discussed your feelings?"

"No."

"Well, what did you think was going to happen, Bella? How old is this man?"

"Thirty-five."

"Oh, my sweet daughter. You might think you're a mature adult, but you're still a child. Get out while you still can, Bella. You're in over your head."

We talk for a little while longer, but I can't keep up a coherent conversation. My mother lets me go with the promise of calling me later in the week to see how I'm doing.

Little does she know, I have no intention of "getting out".

At least not yet. No matter how much heartbreak I might go through, I'm willing for him.

I can't give Edward up.

A/N: This poor girl. So young. So confused. I love the slow burn to the big fire. Can't wait!

As I've said, there will be a HEA. Don't you worry about that.

As always, Jenny needs huge thanks for beta'ing.

All things Twilight related belong to SM.