A Pointless Fic That Doesn't Make Any Sense At All

By: SuZyLoOsHnOo & Obscurus Lupa

Once upon a time, in a small little town named Pleasantville, there were people called Pleasantvillians. They were normal, happy, cheerful, and all around dullsville, except for Merton J. Dingle. Oh, there was also his friends, which helped him fight evil paranormal things, and one of them was a werewolf, but who wants to read about that? This is a more interesting, possibly stupid, down right out of this world kind of story.

Warning: It may cause nausea, stupor, idiotic sense of humor, or possibly wetting of the trousers. Or even dundundun CONSTIPATION! scream in background

But, we digress.

So, getting back to the story . . . It was a lovely day in Pleasantville, and nothing was stirring, not even a mouse! Okay, so actually it was a busy day filled with construction workers, new malls, and screaming infants, but it wasn't that way at the Dingle household . . .

Merton was in his Lair, typing at his computer. "Mom? Mom? Mom!" he sighed, "Hey, wait. Do I even have any parents?" He shrugged and continued to type. Ignoring the screams of his abusive, drunk dad and his crying sister, he typed some more. "Rebecca Maria Catrinka Dingle! You get over here right now, before I bash your head in with this golden toilet!" his father said. "Dad!" Merton called upstairs, "The toilet's porcelain! The plunger's the golden one!"

Merton paid no attention to the cat that went flying across his room, out the window. Becky came running down the stairs, crying and acting completely out of character. "What . . . is . . . wrong?" asked Merton, sounding like Stevie from Malcom in the Middle. "Oh, it's horrible! Jimmy's stuck in the well!" Becky exclaimed, "Oh, and the Factory caught on fire too."

Merton jumped up. "Quick! Get Lassie! D'I mean my coat! We're going for a ride!" said Merton, still not noticing the cat that went flying across the room again. Becky, now suddenly dressed in purple spandex with a white towel around her shoulders, exclaimed, "Come, Mertonman! To the Mertonmobile!" Merton now dressed in baby-blue tights, a "Mertonman" symbol on his shirt, a red cape, and pilot's glasses ran over to his door in slow motion. He ran into the wall, then quickly removed himself from the hard wood and opened the door, running outside to the Hearse (which was now painted purple, silver, and muddy brown). Becky caught the cat, who almost went flying into the wall, and flew out the door, following Merton.

They quickly made it to the park, where they had a small picnic and looked at the cloudy stars in the dark blue and black sky. "Pardon me, Dinglewoman. Would you like another cup of tea?" Merton asked, taking a sip of tea with his pinky up from a pink cup. "Mertonman," Becky asked with an odd confidence in her voice, almost as if this was some plot thickening sentence, "Should we not save the factory and reveal more plot?" "Hm . . . Wait! My Merty senses are tingling," he said, putting two fingers up to each side of his head. "Aha! I think we should go to the Factory and reveal more plot!" "That's what I said," Becky argued.

"I'm sorry. You should speak a little louder when you complain," Merton said, jumping up. "To the Mertonmobile-! Wait a minute. What did you do to that cat?!" he asked, pointing to a cat that once had hair. "You scoundral! Look what you did to him!" Merton exclaimed, picking up the cat. "Hm . . . I shall call him MiniMe." "Que?" "What?" Merton looked around to see who said that. "Who said that?" He looked down at the cat who said, "Yo quiero Taco Bell." Merton jumps back and drops the cat. "What the-? He can talk? He can talk! Dinglewoman, it's a miracle! MiniMe spoke to me!"

"Oy!" Becky smacked her head, "Boy crikey! Did you see that fella's teeth? What a beauty!" Merton sniffed as tears got in his eyes. "Yes, he is a beauty! Just think, he wont even have to floss!" Suddenly, an atomic bomb went off, blowing MiniMe to bits. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gasp oooooooooooo! MiniMe! My beautiful MiniMe!"' Merton cried, holding up a piece of MiniMe's tail to his cheek. "He was my first one true love! He was gonna be on Oprah after we got married! Now what am I suppose to do?!""Create an inbred child?" Becky tried, "Nah, let's wait till next week."

Merton stood up. "Okay, I'm done," he said clearing his throat. "To the Mertonmobile!' "Um, Mertonman?" Becky said, "The Hearse-- I mean, the Mertonmobile, was destroyed by the atomic bomb, which strangely enough, didn't affect us in the least bit." " . . . Oh. Excuse me for a second . . . " he said, walking into the middle of the street. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! What are you waiting for?! What are you waiting for?! What are you waiting for?!" he exclaimed like an idiot, twirling around in circles.

"I say we walk," Becky suggested. Merton, just barely getting hit by a car, put his arms down. He walked over to Becky and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hm . . . I say we walk!" Becky picked up a skunk and bit into it's tail "Hey? Where's the cream filling?" A voice out of nowhere suddenly said, "Hostess! Now that's the stuff!" Merton took his hand off of Becky and stepped back, "Right . . . Well start walking." He stepped to the right and slammed into a tree. "I knew that was there . . . " Merton said, wobbling the other way. "Hey, I know what's wrong! We've lost our character!" Merton stopped picking yellow flowers from a garden that came out of no where, and stood up. "We have?" he asked as he sniffed the flowers, then stopped and looked around to see if anyone saw that. "We need to find our character now!" Becky cried.

"To the Dinglewoman Motorcycle that just got put into this story! Why, you ask? I have no idea!" Merton said. "Er-- Mertonman? It's just a unicycle painted with patriotic colors." "Who cares?! I gotta get home in time for the Teletubbies! It's Po's birthday, ya' know! Now hop on, Dinglewoman!" Merton cried, jumping on the scooter that fell over.

Becky: Hey, Mertonman, we've reverted to script style!

Merton: "Really? I seem to be stuck in between!" Merton said.

Becky: Is that even possible?

Merton: shrugs I think this is easier. Okay! Hop on!

They hop onto the prettyful scooter and fly away into the distance to never be seen again . . . Oh, sorry, wishful thinking. They actually got ran over by a car and got up, flying over to the Factory to search for their character and ignoring the fire.

Merton: Here we are!

Becky: looks downcast No character here, Mertonman . . .

Merton: Cheer up, Tiger Lilly! It's not that bad. Just think, now we can watch Barney over and over again!

Becky: Hey, do you think anyone else lost their character?

Lori walks up to them from behind wearing make-up, has pig tails in her hair, has long, painted nails, a pocket book, and is wearing all pink.

Merton: Nah, I don't think so . . .

Lori: Hey, girlfriend! What's kickin, funky chicken?

Merton: turns around and sees Lori GAH! Britney Spears! I told you, I'll never buy your CD! NEVER!

Lori: Relax, dude in tights! I'm not Britney Spears. giggles childishly

Becky: To see if she is lying . . . Sing us a song!

Lori begins to sing very, very horribly.

Becky: ears covered, on the floor Yep, it's Spears all right.

Merton: WHA! kunfu cry kicks Lori into a garbage can, Matrix style

Lori: muffled Like, ow! You like broke my nail! Dude, that's just not groovy.

Voice: Don't worry, random damsel in distress; I'll save you!

Voice: comes flying on a rope and knocks over the garbage can SCOOBY- DOOBY-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shaggy: runs on screen Scooby-doo, where are you?!

Scooby-Doo: Ree-heeheeheeheeheehee. Right rere, Raggy.

Merton: clears throat Excuse me? This is a Big Wolf On Campus fic, not a Scooby-Doo story.

Shaggy: Like sorry, dude. C'mon, Scoob. It's "All You Can Eat Night" at the diner.

Scooby-Doo: Rall you can eat? sighs and faints

Shaggy: sigh walks over to Scooby- Doo and tries to pck him up Arrgh! pant Like how many eggplant burgers did you eat? tries to pick him up again sigh looks at Merton Er- A little help here?

Merton: Sure. heroic music plays It's Mertonman's job to help others!

Merton skips with his hands out over to Scooby- Doo. He picks him up with one finger and spins him on it.

Shaggy: Like, groovy, man!

Merton: Yes it is pretty shagadelic, isn't it?

Lori: British accent Oh my gosh! It's Austin Powers! points to Austin Powers, who is behind Merton

Austin Powers: My God! It's Scooby-Doo! looks at Shaggy And Shaggy too! Yeah, baby, yeah!

Merton: Hey! What are you doing here, Austin?

Austin: Well that's a very good question. Hm...I just don't know, baby!

Merton: Er-- Shouldn't you be calling a girl "baby"?

Austin: Well I just don't know anymore. I mean, c'mon, you're wearing tights.

Merton: These aren't tights! They're my official costume!

Austin: What ever you say, ba- er- yeah...Well moving on- gasp Dr. Evil!

Dr. Evil: Yes, Mr. Powers, I have followed you here! laughs evilly

Shaggy: Like what's goin' on here, dude?

Merton: We're writing a trippy cross over.

Shaggy: Whatever dude. takes Scooby Later. walks off

Merton: Next thing you know, we'll be having random anime girls chasing me . . .

Announcer: Not in this lifetime!

Merton: Aw, man!

Lori: Okay like who are these people?

Merton: Who is who?

Lori: Who is the freak in the sixties outfit, and the other one in a doctor's suit?

Austin: Austin Powers, baby! Yeah!

Lori: Like ew! I'm taken, baby, by the one and only Justin Timberlake! nsync music starts to play

Merton: NOOOOOOO!! Growing . . . weak . . . too . . . strong . . .

Nsync pops out and starts dancing.

Merton: Hiyah! karate chops Lance's head off

Becky: gasp NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! runs over to Lance's head and picks it up Why? Why? WHY?!

Lance's Head Like, relax, dude . . . flashes colgate smile

Becky: Ew! throws Lances head into a tree

Justin: Dude, that is so uncool. strikes a pose Word!

Dr. Evil: MiniMe?

JC: Miniwhat?

Dr. Evil: MiniMe. It's a little man that looks just like me, but is mini...

Joey: Ah! It's trying to eat me! tries to pull MiniMe off of him

Justin: slaps Joey across the face Dude, you're not popular enough to talk! Leave it to me.

Lance's Head: I thought I was the popular one . . .

JC: No I am! kicks Lance's Head into a tree throws arms in the air And it's good!

MiniMe flips Nsync off.

Dr. Evil: Good, MiniMe! Here, have a cookie. hands MiniMe a cookie

Merton: Where'd that cookie come from?

Dr. Evil: From my back pocket. Why? Do you have a problem with that? Hm?

Merton: No, it's just--

Dr. Evil: Shh!

Merton: But--

Dr. Evil: Shut up you little piece of SHH!

Merton: Now that was uncalled f--

Dr. Evil: Is there an echo in here? Shh!

Merton: Hey--

Dr. Evil: Shh! pause Sh! pause Shhhhh! pause Alright moving on here...

Justin: Moving on to what? strikes a pose Word!

Dr. Evil: Hey weren't you shut off?

Justin: What do you mean? strikes a pose Word!

Dr. Evil: That's it! pounces on Justin and starts beating the crap out of him

Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Dr. Evil: gets up I'm okay, I'm okay. pause pounces back on Justin

Merton: Dinglewoman, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Becky: Yeah. Why did the monkey chase the weasel?

Merton: No, not that! It's time for a pointless fight scene!

Becky: Oh, right. Let's go! starts kicking and punching a tree

Merton: No, why fight trees when we can get other people to do it for us?

Becky: Okay. stops and sits down and starts to pet a fire hidrent

Merton: Okay, um . . . Hey, let's find Tommy and he can fight for us!

Becky: Wait! Can Bob come with us?

Merton: Who?

Becky: Bob! points to the fire hydrent

Merton: Sure, bring him along.

Becky: Yay! pulls the hydrent out of the ground Hes my new bestest friend

Lance's Head: Aren't you guys gonna help me?

Chris: rocks back and forth holding his ears looks up I hear dead people... breaths heavily

Joey: You're lucky, I AM a dead person . . .

Chris: looks at Joey What?

Joey: Er-- Did I say dead person? I meant, uh . . .

JC: C'mon, guys! We have to go save Christmas! runs into the street and gets hit by a car

Grinch: appears That's my job, jackass.

Lori: Well he's kinda dead so I guess that doesn't matter.

Grinch: Whosie whatie is dead?

Lance: I am! Can someone help me down...?

Grinch: Where are you?

Lance: I-I- singing I'm in Heaven. Oh, we're in Heaven!

Grinch: The horror! Screw this! runs away in terror

Well that was all because Allison and I decided that this was getting no where. ahem You are the weakest link, good-bye!

Idiocy: We enjoy every minute of it. Flames will be used to help Sparky get his mojo back!