|The Shattered Pieces
Author: Anastasia's Notebook PM
A one-shot about how Nina felt as she was becoming the black swan. Told through the eyes of Nina, mostly about what it feels like to be going insane and not realizing it. Rated T just to be safe.Rated: Fiction T - English - Tragedy - Nina S. - Words: 1,145 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 4 - Published: 07-25-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8358075
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I thought of this because of a picture I saw on Deviantart (link to the picture and who made it is on my profile, you should see it, it's amazing) and is the cover of this fanfic (it's being used with permission from the artist). I've actually never seen the movie so please excuse any mistakes.
Disclaimer: I don't own the black swan. Too bad, right?
The white swan and the black swan. They were both inside of me. All along, I was both, or maybe I turned into both? I had to change into something I was not. The pressure, the expectations, it was all a whirl. The panic lives inside of me now. I don't know how to feel. Most of the time I feel empty but sometimes the panic takes over completely. It grows until I can't think anymore. I get tremors in my arms, jelly legs, hyperventilating, and depersonalization like it's all a dream but it's too real to be a dream. My feelings and thoughts seem like they don't belong to me anymore. It was all too much. Who am I? I don't know who I am anymore. Perhaps I never did. Lost between two people, two swans, and the gap between them huge. They are opposites. I'm both of them. Who am I? The black swan or the white swan? I don't know what to think. I don't know how to think anymore. I can't relax, I can't do anything. I dance because it's the only thing left for me, I grab onto it because I'm afraid of losing it; but when I dance everything moves too fast. Everything turns into reality. I actually turn into the swans. The swans are real, I am the swans. I try to keep my sanity, I struggle but I don't know who I am anymore. What have I done? Half my life is a whirl. Half my life is gone. Half my life is the white swan and the other half is the black swan. I'm both of them, living both their lives. One minute I have him the next he's gone. I'm not myself. I'm not Nina. Nina is a stranger. In her confusion, in her desperation to grab on and to hold on to what she still had of her previous life, of her dream role, of her sanity, she lost the white swan. I'm still the white swan, right? I'm still the swan queen. No, I'm not. The last feather is gone, I can feel it falling. The last feather of white, of purity is gone and I'm the black swan now. Darkness has claimed me, I can feel it. It has taken my soul and my life. I'm the dark swan. I'm the black swan. Not Nina.
Perhaps this never happened. Perhaps it was all a dream. Maybe I'm still the white swan. Still sweet, still a dancer, still myself. Not a murderess, not the monster who killed Lily. Who stuffed her in the closet. Lily deserved it, she had tried to take the role from me, Lily was the monster. It's my turn now. Lily didn't deserve to die, though. It's all falling apart around me, I can feel it. My life is no longer mine. My life is the swan lake. I'm the black swan, no longer the swan queen. Maybe now I'm perfect. That's what has driven me all along. That's what they wanted, they wanted me to become the black swan. I'm the black swan, I'm perfect. What is perfection, though? A balance between the black swan and the white swan. Not the black swan. Now I'm the black swan. There's no going back. Who am I? What am I? The black swan? Darkness? Nina? It's too late now. Too late. Too late. That's all I can think. I must dance. I'm the black swan. I'm the swan queen. Who am I? I have no idea. I'm not Nina. They call me that but I barely respond. Nina. I'm not Nina, I'm the black swan.
What is real and what is not? I don't know. Everything is real but then it's not. I'm not sure of what's happening anymore. Everything happens in a whirl, it feels real. I'm becoming the black swan. I am the black swan. Sometimes I'm the bystander, watching what's happening to me. Things that can't be happening to me. They can't. They just can't. I'm the swan queen. I got the role. I just want to be perfect. I'm the perfect dancer. It's real, it's happening. I'm the black swan, now. Most of the times I act without thinking. I can't think. The consequences are awful. It's not me who did those things. It's the black swan. I'm the black swan. Brief flashes of what happened, that's all I can remember. Flashes of jealously, of guilt, of the black swan. I'm the black swan. It's real, too real. I'm not going insane. I'm not Nina. Nina went insane. I'm the swan queen, the black swan. I'm perfect. I must have perfection. I need it. Nina had it from the start, she never realized it. I did. The black swan or the white swan? Which one am I? I was the white one now I'm the black swan. I'm the black swan. I lost my mind, I lost my soul. I'm the black swan now. I don't remember who I was. All that's left of the old me are shattered pieces. Shattered pieces reflecting someone who looks like Nina. I'm seeing my life through a thousand mirrors. The mirrors broke. I'm the black swan. It's not my life, my life is the black swan. My life is swan lake. Swan Lake. It's magical. It's perfect. I'm perfect. The mirrors break. The pieces are lying there. I take one, I see my reflection. No, not my reflection. Nina's reflection. I'm the black swan but I used to be Nina. I don't know what I'm doing, one minute I'm looking at myself, the next I'm gone. I must reach perfection. All I want is to be perfect. All I do works towards that. I want to be perfect. I'm perfect now. I'm the black swan and the black swan is perfect. I was perfect… and then I was gone.