|Dismiss Your Fears
Author: ThisNightisFlawless PM
The first time Selena realized something was wrong with the way Demi took care of herself, she was thirteen. Demi/Selena. CHANGED LAST NAMES, LEGALRated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Angst - Princess Rosalinda/Rosie & Carter M. - Chapters: 24 - Words: 39,793 - Reviews: 318 - Favs: 96 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 02-06-13 - Published: 07-28-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8367060
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
Chapter 1: Look After You
The first time Selena realized something was wrong with the way Demi took care of herself, she was thirteen and just a little too young to understand. She knew Demi never ate as much as she did, and that she constantly worried about her weight, but the night that it finally came to surface, Demi was having dinner at Selena's before their sleepover.
Selena had been watching her from across the table all night. She noticed that Demi pushed around her spaghetti so much that to the passing eye, it looked like she was having a normal, full meal. But she also noticed that she only really took seven bites - small bites, of her food, and that she hadn't eaten anything else that day. Then she excused herself to the bathroom with a polite smile to Selena's parents.
She suddenly became sickly worried about Demi for reasons she couldn't yet comprehend. Why was she starving herself? Demi wasn't overweight. Honestly, she needed to gain a few pounds. Selena had seen things about this on T.V. About girls skipping meals to stay skinny, and throwing up the food they ate. That's when she excused herself too, and ran down the hallway to the bathroom.
The sounds she heard from outside the white, shut door made her eyes water and anger boil in her stomach.
Small gags and splashing in the toilet that no doubt emulated the sounds of someone vomiting. Selena waited, and when Demi opened the door she found her with her arms crossed and tears in her chocolate eyes.
"What's wrong, Sel?" She was oozing nervousness.
Selena latched onto her suddenly, her arms tightly around her neck. Demi slowly wrapped hers around her waist with confusion.
"Why don't you eat?" She whispered into her ear in a broken and confused tone.
Demi just sighed and pulled back. "I just wasn't hungry, Selena. Let it go."
"Let it go," Demi silenced her and walked away.
Selena spent the next week on the internet researching eating disorders, then she spent the next four years trying to save Demi from hers.
When they were fifteen, she noticed the cuts on the inside of Demi's wrists. The crying she did over Demi not eating doesn't hold a candle to the sobs that wrecked her body when Demi told her that she took her frustrations out on herself with a razor. Demi held her that night as she begged and pleaded with her to never hurt herself again.
Selena just didn't understand. She couldn't. She didn't see how or why this insanely beautiful and talented girl could just blindly hurt herself.
Sometimes, Selena thought that Demi hurt her more than herself every time she marked herself.
So that same night, as opposed to hugging Demi before they went to sleep, she kissed her instead.
"If you can't take care of yourself for you, do it for me."
Demi got more careful about hiding her eating problems and self-harm. When she did slip up, Selena cried so hard that it almost made her stop. In a perfect world, she would have. But nothing is perfect, especially not Demi. And she couldn't just magically switch off the demons in her head.
When pictures surfaced of Demi with suspicious marks on her wrist, they got into their first big fight.
"You promised me that last time was the last time!" She screamed across her bedroom at a defeated Demi, with fresh bandages on her wrist.
"I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry, Selena. It's not that easy, okay?"
Selena wiped tears off of her cheeks and shook her head, " I can't - I don't know how to help you, Dem. I don't know how to make you see how amazing you are. I don't understand this, any of this."
They ended up on the floor against Selena's bed, holding each other and crying.
"Let me in," Selena whispered into her ear.
"I can't stop the voices telling me I'll never be good enough." Demi's voice cracked.
Selena kissed her forehead and pushed her hair behind her ears. "Good enough for what?"
"I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough. I'm not good enough for music or Disney. Or you." She mumbled.
She grabbed Demi's face softly. Her heart broke again for the second time that night just at the helpless look in Demi's eyes.
"You're the most gorgeous person I know. You're so smart and so kind and wonderful. You're talent blows me away every day, even though I should be used to it by now. You're good enough for anything or anyone you want, Demi. You deserve everything that's happening for you right now. And me, you are more than good enough for me. I love you so much, it scares me."
"You love me?" She whispered, with so much genuine surprise in her voice that it shocks Selena.
"I love you," she repeats again, "and you're so much more than this." She gestures to Demi's wrist.
The next morning, Selena arranged a therapy session for Demi.
After about six months of therapy, Demi seemed okay again. She was doing better with her food, and Selena didn't see any signs of cutting. Their relationship was wonderful.
But Demi was about to start touring, and her show was already on the air. She was getting so much more spotlight than she was used to, and she couldn't deal with it.
Selena was filming her show and movies, and they couldn't spend as much time together. Everything was getting a little bit too hectic, and Demi collapsed.
She started partying. Drinking until she couldn't stand, experimenting with drugs. Sex.
Selena first got wind of it from Miley. They never got along that well, honestly. There was always a jealously issue and their personalities just didn't mesh well. Selena was on location in Canada when the Southerner gave her a call.
"I'm worried about her," Miley said in her raspy voice, "She's been hanging around with people that aren't good for her, and she's drinking almost every night Selena. It's bad. It's really bad."
Selena literally became so stressed within the next two weeks that she shut out everyone. Demi wasn't answering her calls. She got so desperate and worried that she called Miley.
"I just need to know if she's okay," she rushed out as soon as Miley picked up her call.
Miley sighed, "Selena, I don't know-"
"No, I know you know. She trusts you. Please Miley, She isn't answering my calls."
"She called me at 3 AM last night, completely wasted," Miley started sadly. "She was acting insane, saying she needed me to pick her up from some club. I drove there and got her, and she couldn't even walk, so I took her back to my place and put her in bed. I looked at her wrists Selena,"
Selena started crying almost instantaneously. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, Selena. But there's something else I think you need to know."
The line was silent for a solid twenty seconds before Miley's dreadful voice uttered four words that shattered whatever heart Selena had left.
"She slept with someone."
Should I continue this? Please give some feedback soon so I can update for you guys!