Title: Two Souled Vampires - The Panty Wars
Feedback: Yes, please
Pairing: Oh, God, No. None. Spike/Angel Rivalry
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN,
Summary: Spike and Angel meet for the first time after Spike has become
ensouled and Angel has been fished out from the ocean floor. Many things
have changed. *Please Note* - unlike most of my fics, this is completely
and utterly silly and has no basis in spoilery, even rumour, nor does it
reflect what I think might happen (although it would be funny).
Author's note: This ficlet was inspired by an *extremely* embarrassing
moment that I had recently. When recounting said embarrassment while on
the phone to Eliz, I had crawled under my desk and promptly caught myself
in a cord. Much laughter ensued and the idea of Action!Angel and
Action!Spike duking it out for the damsel in distress came to be. However,
the ammunition was ... different. Also, *please* note that I rather *like*
Angel. I know it may not seem this way. Let's just say I like Angel on
his own show and away from Buffy.
Two Souled Vampires -The Panty Wars
"So, Spike, we meet again," Angel snarled, circling the blond Vampire as a
jungle cat circles his prey. Spike stood, unaffected by his grandsire's
peacock-like display of aggression. Besides, Spike though, I know the
"Sod off, Poof," Spike snarked, folding his hand and inspecting his
fingernails. Glad Buffy made me stop wearing that bloody awful nail
polish. What was Dru thinking?
"I've come back to see her, you know. We need to talk, Buffy and me. She
needs to know how... hard it's been.. with Connor, then Cordy, and being in
a cube at the bottom of the Pacific. Things have changed," Angel brooded,
sulking around Spike.
"Bullocks," Spike snapped, "Not letting you *near* her. Can't go round
mucking up her life whenever you get a floppy moment."
"But I have a *soul*!" Angel whined, his dark, sad, eyes looking like those
of a Newfoundland puppy.
"Seems the Powers were running a two-fer on that, mate," Spike replied.
Spike shook his head in frustration. "Do I need to spell
Every.Bloody.Thing out when I speak to you? Thought at least your
vocabulary would have improved over a century of yammering.
"What?" Angel said, a look of surprise spreading from the tips of his
gelled head to his oddly feminine shoes.
"A.Soul. And it *doesn't* come with some stupid, sodding Happiness
Clause." Spike's turn to circle Angel, smiling smugly.
"No Happiness Clause?" Angel muttered like a child who got a regular old
bike with a regular old seat when Billy, the kid next door, got a brand new
BMX with the banana seat - cushioned for your comfort.
"Nope," Spike chirped contentedly.
"Stupid, sodding, Poof," Spike said, slyly smiling. "Gotta *ask* for one."
"And no Happiness Clause?" Angel asked again, his eyes pleading with Spike
to tell him he had heard wrong.
"Nope," Spike answered simply.
"So you can....?"
"Anytime I want," Spike said, winking at his grandsire.
"And you don't turn evil?"
"Nope," Spike said. "Unless, of course, it is at my lady's request. She
likes a little rough and tumble now and again."
"She, who?" Angel said, his body becoming tense. Spike responded in kind,
assuming fighting position.
"Oh. You haven't heard?" Spike snarked, raising his eyebrows.
"Oh, I haven't heard *what*?" Angel asked, his voice lowering.
"You really are an oblivious sot."
"Spike, stop loving hearing yourself talk and say it," Angel remarked,
"Buffy," Spike answered, flatly.
"B...Buffy?" Angel stuttered. "B...But we're.. soulmates."
"There's a new soul in town," Spike retorted, channeling John Wayne quite
effectively for just a moment. "Seems that mine might be a *little*
shinier being that I asked for it like a good little love sick Vampire,"
Spike continued, gesturing with his thumb and forefinger.
"But...we're meant to be!"
"Bugger that," Spike responded. "You've been off impregnating other
Vampires. By the way, good on ya, mate. Thinking about giving it a go
myself. Well, except with Buffy. Congrats and all that rubbish. Oh, and
you've been spending your time falling for the completely reformed and
newly blonde saint-in-training. When you get back, and if she decides to
descend from the heavens, please tell her that black is a *much* better
colour for her."
"She was trying to look...," Angel stuttered.
"I know. More like Buffy," Spike babbled. "Didn't work. Yet another
failed foray into the bottled blonde. Now me, on the other hand..." Spike
commented, his hands patting the sides of his platinum blond head.
"Spike?" Angel snarled.
"Right, sorry," Spike said, stiffening and returning to his baddest
persona. "Buffy," he sighed again, visions of the love of his life
spinning slowly in his mind.
"Soulmate," Angel countered, catching up on the argument.
"Not anymore," Spike answered.
"You can't just.. stop being someone's soulmate!" Angel yelled, his eyes
glimmering in the dim light.
"Can. Did. No Happiness Clause," Spike said simply. "Happy all the time."
"It doesn't... it shouldn't... matter..."
"Oh, *Please*," Spike exploded. "The girl is the Slayer, *not* Mother
"But she... I was her first..."
"I'll give you credit for that, mate. But I think I've got about 6 through
around 257 covered thus far. Think you're being left in your own dust."
Spike said proudly. Only because he knew. He knew he loved Buffy more
than the Nancy Boy could ever dream of loving her.
"But things have changed.. I... l..."
"Don't say it, Poof," Spike snarled, now fully on the defensive.
"But I do. I lov..."
"You don't know the first bloody thing about love. Particularly about
loving Buffy. You did what you *had* to. I did what I *wanted* to. I'd
die for the Slayer. I'd even die for her sodding friends. Risking my life
every day for puppies and Christmas with nothing to gain. Least you'll be
human one day. Redeemed! At least if your little Watcher friend got the
prophesy right this go round. I went to Africa go get a soul and all I got
with this stupid sodding T-Shirt," Spike exclaimed, ripping open his blue
button down to expose a white T-shirt which did, indeed, say the above.
"Oh, that and I won back the love of my life. So, all in all, a worthwhile
Angel looked at Spike, inspecting his T-shirt, his eyes, his bulging pants.
God, what I wouldn't do for no Happiness Clause, he thought. "You have
changed, Spike," Angel said. "But jaunting off to Africa is nothing like
spending a summer at the bottom of the deep blue sea. I had a lot of time
to think. To learn about *me*," he continued, tapping his chest
"So, you finally sussed out that you are a brooding, shallow, arrogant,
Nancy Boy?" Spike asked.
"No, but I did figure out this..." With a flourish, Angel opened his
duster. Beneath, he was wearing a black lace bustier, little black
panties, garters and stockings.
Spike's eyes flew open in shock. He tried to utter a sound, but nothing
but choking gasps could escape his lips. "Uh...uh...uh..."
"It's so *freeing* to know who you are," Angel said, coming closer to
"Step.Away.From.The.Straight.Vampire," Spike choked out.
"I'm not gay, moron. Most cross dressers aren't," Angel retorted, cocking
one Sheer Energy leg out to the side.
"Don't.Care.," Spike muttered, backing away.
"Much more freedom of movement in battle."
"Not to mentioned the shock factor," Spike finally said, recovering his
ability to string together a coherent thought. He cocked his head and
grimaced, looking at his once broody and straight forwardly evil grandsire.
Even the Poof wasn't this... Poof-y. "Really should think about shaving,"
"I plan to win Buffy back," Angel said, his hands firmly planted on his
hips, his duster framing him in all his glory.
With that, Spike dissolved into paroxysms of laughter. "So, what then?
You can raid her panty drawer?"
"Does she have nice stuff?" Angel asked.
"None of your business," Spike said sharply. "Besides," he continued,
chuckling again, "Doubt you'd fit."
"Ah, but you might," Angel said. "We could fight the good fight, side by
"What *I've* got wouldn't fit in her knickers," Spike said, offended by the
remark. "Well, not literally, at least." Spike took a deep breath, trying
to compose himself. "Angel, have you been round Dru? Did she drive old
Angelus round the bend?"
"What?" Angel asked, eyes flying open.
"You seem to have gone a bit mad," Spike pointed out, gesturing at the once
broody evil Vampire turned champion of good Vampire with a soul turned ...
"That's it," Angel huffed, angrily, reaching into his deep duster pockets.
"I've had enough of this insolence." Spike resumed fighting stance,
waiting, ready for the throwing star or dagger or rock to be hurled at him
in mere seconds. Instead, a pair of pink lace panties plunked him between
"What in bloody hell?" The blonde Vampire exclaimed. "Did you just throw
kickers at me?" Angel just nodded in response, hurling another pair,
striking Spike in the cheek.
"This is your *brilliant* attack?" Spike asked. Another pair plunked into
Spike's chest. He caught them, unfolding the ball. Little red lace
number. "Not bad," Spike said, admiring them and then hurling them back.
"Still aren't going near Buffy, but at least you aren't brooding anymore."
Angel relentlessly pelted Spike with panties, chasing him around the
darkened room. A door creaked open in the rear of the warehouse and Buffy
strode in. All she could make out from her perspective was Spike pinned
against the wall, waving his arms in front of his face wildly and a taller
creature in a black leather duster, tossing what looked to be venomous
snowballs at him.
"Spike!" Buffy cried out, running across the room in record time, lifting
herself into the air with one leg extended and planting one airbourne foot
in the creature's back. He stumbled forward and she fell on top of his
back, one leg on either side of his waist.
"Hello, Love," Spike said, lending her a hand to help her out. "Thanks for
the rescue and all that, but I think I was holding my own."
"But... I saw you... and the demon was throwing.." Buffy reached down,
picking up one of the arsenal of poisonous balls from the ground,
"Panties... at you?" she said, looking oddly at Spike, then at the
crumpled form on the ground. "Who would throw.. panties? Whos' panties?
Oooh, these are cute!" She chirped, picking up a little hot pink thong.
Spike whipped it out of her hand and shoved it in her pocket.
"We'll keep these, Pet. For evidence."
The crumpled form on the ground groaned. "B...buffy?"
Buffy walked over to it, looking oddly at his shape, suddenly realizing
something. She knew this demon. Spike watched her with a mixture of
jealousy, amusement and anticipation. "A..Angel?" she said, as he lifted
his head from the floor and looked at her with those big, large puppy eyes.
"I've come back for you, Buffy," he whispered, kneeling before her.
Buffy's eyes flew open in shock, noticing his black bustier, his pretty
"W...what?" Buffy stuttered. Spike chuckled from the background.
"It's alright, Love. Shock wears off in a bit."
"Wh...what are you doing?" Buffy asked, as Angel stood before her.
"I've had a revelation. This is the real *me*, Buffy," Angel said,
grabbing Buffy's hands. "It's so much more clear now. We're meant to be
together. We're *soulmates*."
Buffy looked at him closely. Then at Spike. Back to Angel. Back to the
blonde Vampire with washboard abs. Back to the puffy Vampire with women's
"Not on your life!" Buffy said, stepping out of his clutches. "We may
have once been *soulmates*, but no longer."
"Is it... is it.. the panties?" Angel asked, looking as if he might cry.
"Well, can't say that brazil back does well for you," Buffy quipped, "But
no. It's the soul."
"But Spike has a soul too. He told me."
Buffy stood next to Spike, grabbing his hand, winding her fingers though
his. "His loves me," She said, tugging him from the wall. He wrapped his
arms around her waist, smiling down at her. "He did this for me." She
whispered, coming closer to Spike's face. "No Happiness Clause," She
finished, pushing Spike up against the wall and diving at him, kissing
"But Buffy, that shouldn't matter," Angel pleaded.
Buffy pulled away from Spike and craned her head back at Angel. "I'm the
Slayer. Not Mother Theresa."