|Nani Naze Causality!
Author: NovaFloresca PM
A famous child prodigy and an Incubator are hired to explain some of the plot wrinkles which crop up in Causality Crash. Who's the more foolish: the casting director or the fool who actually agreed to do the segment?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 958 - Published: 07-30-12 - id: 8373819
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A catchy titlecard dissolves away to reveal a relatively plain room, containing a large easel with another version of the titlecard and a cute young girl with silvery-blue hair, dressed in a set of cat-pajamas, complete with paws, ears, and tail. As the camera closes in, the girl's big amber eyes ruin the effect, as they are filled with an almost limitless depth of boredom and a bit of contempt.
"Hello and welcome to Nani Naze Causality. My name is Ruri Hoshino and I'm here because some bothersome fool hired me to explain what the hell is going on in his fanfic."
A hiss from behind the camera gets Ruri's attention for just a moment. You can hear vague grumbling from the production staff, most certainly about her attitude, but she dismisses the criticism with a "Whatever." The camera refocuses upon the girl, who is now holding a medium-sized cardboard shipping box, which is heavily battered.
"And this is my cohost," says Ruri as she slashes open the box with a razor, then turns the box over, letting a shapeless white mass thud to the floor out of frame. "Or not." Almost immediately a piggish gobbling sound comes from the floor. Ruri looks down with disgust for a moment before reaching down to seize the source of the noise, an unlikely-looking cat-like creature with long floppy ears and a huge bushy tail. "That's disgusting." She hangs the creature upon the easel.
"And I am Kyubey, here under license to provide any information you may need." The furry thing is forced to leap for his life as Ruri carelessly yanks the first card off the easel, nearly severing his front paws. The next card reads "First Item: Empathic Link".
"It appears that the technique which was first used in Episode 1 by Kyōko on Sakura and then by both of them on Homura in Episode 2 requires the participants to physically merge their Soul Gems to a limited extent. Thus, every Puella Magi involved in such a situation will have a permanent link to the others through which thoughts, feelings, and if they were to master the phenomenon, even vitality could be shared among any and all involved. Since all three of the girls involved are hopeless idiots, don't hold your breath waiting for them to do anything useful with it." More hissing from the staff indicates that Ruri's editorial comments weren't part of the script, but she simply shrugs and then whacks the card off the easel, endangering Kyubey's physical integrity yet again. This card says "Second Item: Homura's Dream Witch".
"In Episode 2, Sayaka and Kyōko enter Homura's Soul Gem and defeat the Witch there. Kyubey, can you. explain. how. a. Grief. Seed. works. . ?" Ruri becomes visibly more irritated and disbelieving as her lines roll up on the teleprompter. Kyubey either doesn't notice or doesn't care as the camera zooms in on him.
"Certainly, Hoshino-san. A Grief Seed is the manifestation of all the despair the Puella Magi accumulates during her career. This incident with Homura is interesting because it shows that a portion of a Puella Magi's despair can be harvested before the phase-transition to Witch status. Theoretically, this means a sufficiently skilled Puella Magi could carefully torture another in order to farm-" Kyubey suddenly cuts off as an eye-searing bar of light washes out the camera, accompanied by a loud ZARK! Burnt bits of fluff rain down over the easel as Ruri hands the blaster she is holding to someone off screen. She stares straight into the camera, trying not to flinch as the mic picks up the sounds of gobbling once more.
"Anyway, the despair and stress inflicted upon Homura Akemi by the red ogre and the blue ogre caused her despair to overwhelm her temporarially. Within her subconscious, this added despair manifested itself as Madoka Kaname's Witch form, Kriemhild Gretchen. Upon the Witch's defeat, the despair which had been cleansed from Homura manifested as a Grief Seed. The ribbon was a magical construct representing that which halted the spread of the despair (or Homura just really needs to get laid)." The only sound from off camera is pained choking. Ruri tips the card off the easel, where it lands with a thump and an indignant "Hey!" from Kyubey. The new card reads "Third Item: Mami is a Witch?" but Ruri picks up a marker, scratches out "Third" and replaces it with "Final".
"Charlotte is a messy eater, and Mami's Soul Gem went down whole, although since her brain got masticated, there was no way for the body to self-repair." Although Ruri is pale by nature, she managed to turn even paler with a sickly-green tinge as she read off the last bit of information. While Ruri regains her composure, Kyubey climbs back up the easel and regains his spot.
"Puella Magi Protip: Always loot your corpses!" Although his expression is permanently affixed to his face, Kyubey somehow manages to convey a malicious grin. "Even if you don't find anything useful, the despair generated by rifling your dead friends' bodies increases my clearance rate!" Ruri palms her forehead with one giant cat-paw before discarding the accessory and pulling out a cellphone. As she dials, she walks out of the camera's frame.
"Yeah, Akito? Tell my agent if he ever books me for anything this stupid again, he's fired. Out of the forward missile tubes. Into the sun." With the star of the show apparently not coming back, the staff begins to break down the set and put everything away. Kyubey is caught unawares and dropped into a "burnable trash" bin by the janitor.
"Wait! What are you doing! Why am I in the burnable trash? I don't understand humans at all!"