|Of Ponies and Men
Author: SpicyPony64 PM
The first chapter of the insane three part finale to the fictitious fourteenth season of the King of the Hill. In this episode, Hank is accidentally diagnosed as a homosexual after he takes Bobby for counseling when he shockingly discovers that his own son is a brony. Includes a surprise cliffhanger ending!Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Family - Words: 1,746 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 07-30-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8374688
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"Of Ponies and Men"
Hank discovers that Bobby is a brony and believes he is gay after catching him singing along with an episode on the Hub. Bobby just sat there on the floor singing, "You got to share. You got to care…" Hank: "I thought it would stop at your obsession with that Glee show and your collection of Justin Bieber CDs, but this has drawn the line, son. Why do you have to love something for, ugh, little girls? You need some help, Bobby." "But, Dad, this is a normal show. Watch for a bit longer, it gets more intense with dragon fights and magic." Hank looks at the screen and frowns at an image of a pink pony baking cupcakes grinning back at him. Hank talks about the situation with his friends at the usual spot. "Yup. Yup. Yup. Mmhm." "So, I've had it with my boy. I caught him watching a stupid pink pony show that's for girls on TV. The boy ain't right." Bill responds, "My Little Pony? Ha ha ha. I know some folks who are into that. They either seem gay or totally weird." Dale reacts, "What? Not even Joseph would be that weird. Did you adopt Bobby? I mean, he doesn't share any interests that you have." "Yeah, dang ole ponies ain't for boys you know. Take that boy fishin' or play some football, man. Talk 'bout dang ole embarrassing, man," agrees Boomhauer. Bill recommends to Hank that he should consult the highest order in Texas for Bobby's heinous act: the United Methodist Church ™. "That's great, Bill. Church ought to fix him right up."
Bobby is taken to an anti-gay councilor recommended by Pastor Stroup. Within a few minutes of consultation with Bobby, the Pray the Gay Away councilor declines Hank's suspicion because Bobby expresses great heterosexuality. Bobby told him that he is dating Connie and previously Tid Pao, the protestor girl, and that tall annoying teenager, all of which proved that he is attracted to women. The councilor, named Dr. Phelps, even explains to Hank that watching My Little Pony does not make someone gay and that media preferences are only a concern if one is into Homestuck, which equals social retardation and witchcraft. He suggests that Hank needs to be tested for homosexuality since he accused his own son, who is more open about his attraction to women than Hank, of being gay. Hank laughs at the offer. "Dr. Phelps, I'm as straight as an arrow. I love football, grilling steaks with propane, and most of all, my wife. There is no way you could suspect I'm gay." Despite Hank's plea, Dr. Phelps subjects Hanks to a gay test since all men are required to inspection. The test involves staring at a photo of a nude woman lying on the grass in a ranch background. The test does not go smoothly. Dr. Phelps informs Hank, "It took you ten minutes to spot the nude woman and then you just made an annoyed 'bwah' sound when you saw her. Why did you keep commentating on American farmers and propane for that whole time?" Dr. Phelps diagnoses Hank with "the gay" and asks for him to be cured through prayer and straight activities.
Hank declines his offer and scolds Dr. Phelps for accusing him of being gay. "Dang it, Dr. Phelps, I'm not gay. I sell propane. I have a wife and a son!" The councilor argues that Hank failed to prove that he's heterosexual because he never talked about how hot women looked, not even Peggy. Dr. Phelps interrogates Hank with a series of questions. "Do you have sex you're your wife?" "I don't really on account of my narrow urethra." "How often do you masturbate?" "That's a sick question. I don't!" "Fine, have you had any wet dreams in your life?" "Yes." "What were you dreaming about?" "There was my friend's naked wife, but I was more interested in the propane heater in her hot tub." "What in God's name are you? You're gayer than a gay meteorite crashing into a gay mountain then hitting a wheelbarrow full of gay dicks. Get out of my office, Hank." Hank leaves frustratingly to his home.
Hank tells Peggy about his crazy experience at Pray the Gay Away and expresses his relief that Bobby is not gay. However, Peggy does not laugh with her husband and seriously warns him that he might be gay if an official of the United Methodist Church ™ diagnosed him of homosexuality. Hank tells her that the councilor might have been wrong because the test was rigged. Peggy tries to prove to Hank that he is straight by undressing herself and waiting on the bed naked that night. Hank just tosses her away and says he is too tired to have sex that night. Peggy is shocked and realizes that her husband's lack of physical affection might have been a sign that Hank has been in the closet. She remembers when Hank refused to hold her hand in public, was disgusted to watch porn VHS tapes, and hated phone sex with Debbie. Hank tells Dale, Boomhauer, and Bill about his wife's strange behavior and asks why she seriously doubts his straightness. The three others laugh at the church and Peggy and say that everything will go back to normal. Hank's best friends then suspect that he is gay after he declined to join a debate about who has the hottest wife. Bill confesses that he loves ponies, especially that yellow shy one, and recommends to his friends that they watch the show on SeeMe. By the end of the day, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale argue over which pony would win in a fight.
Joseph and Bobby continue to watch My Little Pony and Hank still derides it as a girl's show. Hank loses his faith in his friends since none of them believe that he really is straight and that he was too straight to pass the gay test. Maybe Buck Strickland can show everyone how straight and proud Hank is! Hank tells him his story and asks him to prove to his friends and family that he is not a homosexual. Buck agrees ("Well, sure, Hank, I'd love to help you. I know you more interested in propane than some stupid broad!"), but Hank says that he is relieved to "no longer be associated with those parasitic disease carrying homos." Unbeknownst to Hank, Buck is secretly gay and has been hiding it with an intensive sexual character and an addiction to alcohol and gambling. "Hank, that's hate speech. And I thought you was gonna be closet buddies with me! You're fired!" Hank walks off Strickland Propane depressed and ashamed. Worst of all, Khan finds out about the situation and laughs at Hank. "Ha ha! I knew it! Silly redneck gay all along. At least your son's alright and likes real woman like my daughter Khan Jr. Enjoy your AIDS, hillbilly."
Hank lost faith in his friends, family, and Texas that week. Rick Perry signed a bill the same day he was fired that allows businesses to lay off employees who are proven to be gay by a minister, physician, or psychologist without legal penalties in response to the recently re-elected Barack Obama's affirmation of his support for gay rights. Because of this law, Hank can never return to Strickland Propane since Buck started telling everyone at the office that he bravely dismissed gay Hank for coming onto him. Hank turns to Boomhauer for a final solution to his gay problem as he is believed to be the straightest man on the block. Boomhauer laughs at Hank then reluctantly tells him that he is only convincing others that he is gay by accepting their accusations. "Y'know man, just be your dang self, man. John Redcorn got better dang ole advice, man." Hank turned to John Redcorn at his spa to fix his social problem and to prove that he is really straight. According to Redcorn, the only way Hank could dispel the rumor is to make love to Peggy and ignore others' comments. "Hank, I know you're not gay. The Church wronged you this time. Just ignore them and love your wife, my friend." Hank questioned how was he supposed to get Peggy to love him again since she also falsely believes that he is gay. Redcorn answers, "Just trick her into some action. She'll love that, all ladies love that. Now excuse me, I have a tall blonde customer waiting for me."
There was no other option for Hank, so he took John Redcorn's wise word and got to work. Hank arose the next morning and woke up Peggy by telling her that Tony Danza was passed out drunk on their yard at three in the morning. "Where's Tony Danza? What is going on, Hank?" Peggy was disappointed and angry at her husband. "Well, Peggy, I thought we should get busy. Outside. Y'know, make love." "Oh, this isn't because everyone thinks you're gay? Fine, but you better show that you're interested this time." Hank does so and Peggy apologizes for accusing him of being gay in the first place. Hank reconciles that the United Methodist Church ™ was responsible for spreading the false rumor of his homosexuality and decides to abandon the church. Reverend Stroop and Dr. Phelps turn their eyes toward the Hills and prepare for a war with Hank.
Meanwhile, back at the Gribble house, Dale experiments with DNA samples of Hank and Bobby and Joseph and himself in an attempt to prove why the boys do not act at all like their fathers. The DNA test machine hooked up to his computer analyzed the data and displayed shocking results. Dale shouts, "Oh my God. I knew it! Hank is not Bobby's real father! According to my computer, Bill is the closest DNA match to Bobby!" In shock, Dale also checks the other computer screen to discover that Joseph is not his true son. Instead, it displayed John Redcorn as the true father to Joseph. "This isn't true. This is impossible! It must have been an alien that brought John Redcorn into Nancy. I must know the truth." TO BE CONTINUED .