|Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder
Author: Thinkingaboutnothing PM
The Cullens start attending McKinley. This is set at the beginning of Glee season three. In Twilight, this is post-Breaking Dawn, but I have not included Renesmee. I am writing as though Bella'a transformation went ahead as planned without the pregnancy.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 12 - Words: 33,389 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 05-07-13 - Published: 08-17-12 - id: 8439628
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This chapter is dedicated to Klainebowsandpercabeth, who sent me the nicest review ever.
Ms Cairns wanted to go home. It had been a long, coffee deprived day. She had overslept, and the direct and awful results of that were a) She hadn't had coffee in nearing twenty hours, and b) She had only had time to put makeup on her left eye. At first, she had thought one eye was better than none, but a day full of sniggering students had altered her opinion somewhat. Her mouth felt dry and she felt sluggish and heavy. She was desperate for coffee. She had tried to confiscate a Starbucks cup from Blaine Anderson a few classes earlier, but he had gone berserk and started hurling textbooks at her head. She backed away slowly after he kicked his desk over in a rage. The students from her last class of the day - Thank God - began traipsing in. Two approached her desk. She twisted to look up at them, the Glare of Doom she'd perfected while training to be a teacher appearing on her face. A pair of the palest and most attractive teenagers she'd ever seen reared back in horror. She took a moment to check them out.
"We're the new students," The shorter one with untidy auburn hair rushed out, stopping her train of thought. "Edward and Emmett Cullen?"
"He means Emmett and Edward Cullen." The brawny one amended. The redhead rolled his eyes but stayed silent.
"Yes." Ms Cairns' head bobbed back and forth between the both of them, unsure which to stare at first. "Please take a seat. Welcome to your History class."
A guy sitting in the front row looked up suddenly. "This is a History class?!" He gathered his books and exited the room. The blonde girl in the seat next to his gaped. "He's been sitting there for weeks!" She announced. Emmett hesitantly took the guy's seat, and Edward sat behind him. Ms Cairns focused her staring on Emmett. His eyebrows pulled down and he peered with great concentration at her eyes. Edward kicked his chair.
"What?" Emmett hissed too low for human ears, still absorbed by Ms Cairns' eyes.
"Stop looking! She thinks you two are 'gazing deeply into each other's souls'." Edward shuddered as he pronounced that, speaking at the same volume. Emmett looked disgusted. "There's something wrong about her eyes." He told his brother.
"She has make-up on one, but not the other." Edward explained. Emmett looked back to verify this. "That's it!" Emmett exclaimed at a very audible pitch. The entire class joined Ms Cairns in staring at him, minus Edward, who executed a precise facepalm.
"Should...should we do something Ms Cairns?" Emmett suggested, avoiding everyone's eyes. She blinked at him. "You and I, Emmett?" She licked some food off the corner of her mouth suggestively.
"Gah! No! No! The class! The class needs to...work! Study or...something." Emmett leaned backwards in his chair as far as possible. She looked disappointed. "Right. Do something out of your books, kids."
Emmett looked confused and opened his mouth. Edward grabbed his shoulder. "Don't. Just avoid talking to her, or meeting her eyes, or anything for the rest of class. Her mind is a horrific place. You wouldn't believe what she was reading before class...she's still thinking about someone called Christian Grey..." He swallowed, wincing. Emmett awkwardly patted his hand in comfort.
"OhmyGod." The girl sitting next to Emmett drawled through her chewing gum. "Are you two, like, cheating on Finn Hudson?" She peered at them through sticky black eyelashes. Emmett shoved Edward away. "No! I have a girlfriend!"
"Oh." Came the sorrowful voice of Ms. Cairns, who had apparently been listening. Emmett shook his head. Chewing-gum Girl perked up instantly.
"Yay! I'm so glad you and Finn are still going strong! I love you two! I totally ship you! Finnward forever!"She bounced in her seat as she screamed this. Edward's mouth fell open and he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Apparently, vampires can get headaches." He mumbled, then louder, said. "Look, miss, Finn Hudson and I are.."
"In love!" Emmett proclaimed, grinning like a madman. "Oh yes," he went on, nodding at Edward's horrified and furious expression. "These two are one lovey-dovey couple. They were made to be together."
Chewing-gum girl, and several other girls in the class, leaned closer to listen. "They're just so right for each other, you know? It's so romantic. From the first moment their eyes met across that cafeteria, it was destiny." Emmett racked his brains for something else tortured and Edward-y to say. "Finn is his life now." Edward made a choked noise, baring his teeth. Emmett smiled evilly. "I totally boat them."
Chewing-gum girl and her cohorts didn't understand, then one girl's eyes lit up. You mean you ship them! It's like the end of relationship." She explained. Everyone went ahhh, and nodded sagely. Edward appeared to have lost the ability to vocalise in the face of insanity. One girl looked suspicious. "How hard do you ship them?" She demanded. Emmett looked uncomfortable. "What do you mean?"
She narrowed her eyes. "Do you have the T-shirt?" She unzipped her jacket, and sure enough, 'Finnward' was emblazoned across her chest. Edward's whole face sort of crumpled in on itself. He closed his eyes and opened them again like it would rid the world of the despicable object in front of him. "How...how?" His voice was hoarse. "That...it, only happened 20 minutes ago."
She looked smug. "I know people." Emmett started laughing hysterically. Edward looked lost. "Did the letters have to be pink?"
"Mine has green letters." Another girl offered. Edward turned in his seat to face the unspeakable awfulness of 14 girls wearing Finnward T-shirts in assorted colours beaming haplessly at him. To hell with it, he decided, they already think I have schizophrenia. He quietly and calmly got off his chair and curled into a ball under his desk, where he promptly began rocking back and forth muttering to himself. The girls looked at him questioningly. Emmett pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. "And somehow, Finn loves him anyway." Everyone sighed.
"Finn?" It was Rachel. Finn felt like he was in slow-motion as he turned to face her. "Rachel..."
She looked really, really serious. Her eyebrows were all scrunched together. "We need to talk." Finn's stomach abruptly took an unplanned vacation. He swallowed nervously. "I can explain -" But she had already started talking.
"It's about our main song for Nationals. I want it to be my solo. I know there was some talk of us doing a duet, but on consideration, I've found that I'm the sort of star who shines brighter when tall people aren't blocking my radiance." She looked up at him apologetically. "I hope you don't mind?"
Finn was flying on a cloud of cautious relief. "No, no. You shine bright, I get that. Was...was that all you wanted to talk about?" She smiled. "I think so." He regarded her. "What about what happened in the cafeteria?"
"What happened in the cafeteria?" She wasn't looking at him, leafing through her planner. He felt like a fish that had wriggled off the hook. "They had new food."
"Well, you care more about that than I do," she said absently. "By the way, would you carry this for me?" She held out a bucket of sand. "Blaine thought I would need this, but I can't figure out what for. Shall we go to Glee?" He followed her down the corridor past a gaggle of singing Finnward shippers. Jasper and Alice emerged from a dark alcove as they passed. "Are we finished plotting now?"
"Yes, Jasper, we're finished plotting - for now. But we must.." She trailed off. "What is that catchy tune?"
Jasper listened carefully. "It sounds like 'Friday' by Rebecca Black...but the words are different." Alice frowned. "I know those words from somewhere..." She said uncertainly.
Your hair is so special,
It is the the specialest thing ever,
The first time I saw it you were screaming about voices,"
Jasper's eyes widened. "That's the..."
"Do not say poem." The words were spat darkly. Edward loomed between them. "That thing, is not a poem."
"It's a song now," Alice agreed. Edward clenched his teeth.
"Wait 'til you hear the chorus!" Emmett yelled from the throng of fangirls. "Dance moves, everyone!"
"It's Finnward, Finnward, everyone's gotta love Finnward. It's Finn and Edward together-ether! Finnward, Finnward - "
Jasper got caught up in the enthusiasm and began dancing his way towards the singers. One grabbed him and began teaching him the dance moves. She turned a little towards Edward and Alice, and he shouted when he recognised her.
"Bella! How could you?!" She stopped dancing guiltily. "I'm just having some fun, Edward. This is what happens when you freeze a girl forever at eighteen. I have fangirl instincts." She hastily folded her arms over her T-shirt.
Mr. Shue found it difficult to get into the choir room past the fangirls. He made mental note to ask Emma what Finnward was. He hoped it wasn't a new social networking site. Those things were just media for bullies. He had been pleasantly surprised to find six names on the audition sheet, the new kids actually. Two of them were in his Spanish class. The kids, unfortunately, weren't as happy.
"No way, Mr. Schue! They are literal pyschos! They could kill us in our sleep!" Puck objected. Brittany leaned over to ask Santana: "Do we sleep in the choir room? I thought we slept in bedrooms?"
"Hey!" Finn yelled over him. "Discriminating goes against everything this club stands for."
"I'm with Finn," Kurt put in. Mercedes 'mmm-hmm'ed in agreement.
"But - " Quinn started. "That's enough." Mr. Schue cut her off. "This club has always been a haven of inclusion, of equality, of - " He got really into his speech, wildly gesturing. The Glee kids and their short attention spans were unable to cope. Artie watched a fly crawl along the wall behind Mr. Shue's head.
" - the basic principles of modern society - "
"Excuse me," a voice commonly described as velvet interrupted. "Is this the Glee club?"
The entire club swivelled to stare down the voice, and found six of the hottest teenagers in the universe assembled in casually dramatic poses at the door. "Yes." Brad had to clarify, as everyone else seemed speechless. This shocked everyone out of their trance-like states.
"You can talk?" Puck asked bluntly. Brad didn't answer. "No way," Sam breathed. "I always thought he lost his tongue in a tragic accident as a kid, and had to use the piano to communicate." He looked around. "Did no-one else hear that rumour?" People shook their heads.
"We're the Cullens." Edward said. There was a dramatic moment. Somewhere, someone turned a wind machine on. Brad's fingers itched to play a few bars of something appropriate to the mood. Bella was ecstatic to join in on one of the family's mysterious, brooding looks. She'd been on the receiving end so many times.
"Well," Mr. Shue announced. "Let's start the auditions."
Jasper went first. He was suddenly enthusiastic. Edward couldn't hear what he was planning, but he was understandably nervous.
Your hair is so special,
It is the the specialest thing ever,"
Clearly, the fangirl atmosphere had not yet worn off. Edward sat stony-faced through the whole thing. Bella held his hand for moral support, but any good this did was counteracted by Finn trying to peer at his love's expression not-so-subtly. The performance reached an all-time low, when Jasper ripped his sweater off at the end of the second chorus to reveal his Finnward T-shirt.
Edward went next. He needed to dispel his excess angst. He closed his eyes, sat on the piano stool, and ran through a few bars of Bella's lullaby to keep him sane. This was an arguable method. Bella smiled, touched, then dropped her jaw as he launched into possibly the most un-Edward song she'd ever heard.
"You don't know me, baby, but I've seen you around.
It might be kind of crazy, but I'm just new in town.
And now I wonder what you'd think if I said, hey look
I'd like to get your number and a link to your Facebook."
Emmett looked wounded when Edward sat back down. "You told us it was about your struggle with life, not about Bella."
Edward was contemplative. "It's sort of about both, isn't it? It's a song with so much meaning."
"Completely." Bella agreed sarcastically. Alice rose from her plastic chair. "My turn," She said, pulling a pair of dark sunglasses from nowhere onto her eyes.
"This song is dedicated to Kurt Hummel." She levelled a basilisk glare at Kurt, who folded his arms and raised his eyebrows challengingly. "Bring it on, pixie."
"Now go stand in the corner, and think about what you did.
This story starts when it was hot and it was summer and,
I had it all, I had it right where I wanted it.
He came along, got it alone, and let's hear the applause -
He took it faster than you can say sabotage."
This performance was going better than the others, but in the second verse Alice was overcome by the message of the song, and began screeching at Kurt.
"It's my beret! Mine! I will have it! I will have my revenge! Did you hear that song?! Be afraid, Kurt Hummel, be very afraid! There's nothing I do better than revenge! Nothing!"
Emmett, Edward and Jasper quietly manhandled her off the stage. Her yelling faded into the distance.
"You underestimated just who you were dealing with! Alice Cullen always gets her hat!"
Bella sighed altruistically, and got up to perform. She stared fixedly at her feet and mumbled her way through 'Happy Birthday'. There was a lot of "What's she singing?" and "Can you hear anything?" going on in the audience. Bella moved a little bit faster than humanly possible getting off the stage.
Then, the stage went dark. There was a dramatic clashing of chords on the piano as a single spotlight came to life in the centre stage. There stood Emmett, with a hat tipped rakishly over one eye. Another two spotlights came on, and swooped over the audience. Emmett tossed his hat, and Rosalie snatched it from Quinn's grasp.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The grizzly sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The grizzly sleeps tonight
Near the village, the peaceful village"
It was by far the most exciting performance yet. Rachel was taken aback. "Finn!" She hissed.
"Did you know we had smoke machines?"
Emmett bowed and blew kisses to the audience as he descended from the stage. "Knock it off," Rose told him as he sat down. He obliged, hanging his head. Mr. Shue cleared his throat.
"Well, just you left, Rosalie." He gestured to the stage. She crossed her legs. "I don't sing."
"Well, if you'd like to dance - "
"I don't dance."
"What would you like to - "
Mr. Shue frowned, then shrugged. "Right. Well if the Glee club could follow me for a club vote we'll be back in a minute."
The Glee kids trooped out, and the vampires and Brad were alone in the shadowy auditorium.
"Okay, so that was a range of interesting performances." Mr Shue began. Finn interrupted him.
"Edward's performance was soulful. Soulful, Mr. Shue. You have to let him in."
Mr. Shue considered. "He can play piano very well. Any objections?" Everyone eyed Rachel expectantly. She hummed scales obliviously. Mr. Shue wrote Edward Cullen on a list.
"Before anyone says anything else," Puck announced. "We're letting Blondie in."
"The...the one who didn't perform?" Mr. Shue asked in disbelief. Puck nodded. "Why?!" Mr Shue questioned. Puck rolled his eyes.
"She's hot." He explained. "She's the hottest thing since hotness was invented."
"Seconded." Someone with a girlfriend coughed. Mr. Shue couldn't refute it. Rosalie Hale was added to the list, then Mr. Shue looked up. "We want Emmett, right?"
"He's a natural performer, like myself." Rachel enthused. "We all slip up on song choice now and then."
"Run, Joey, Run." Kurt coughed. Emmett Cullen joined the list. "Now, we're not having Happy Birthday Girl." Mr. Shue decided.
"Hold up, Mr. Shue," Mercedes raised her hand. "That girl has a nice voice. She just has some confidence issues."
"Mercedes, we can't really..." Mr. Shue had a sinking feeling.
"Can I remind you all, that girl is adopted? She probably has a really tragic past, poor thing. So, I am taking it upon myself to help her with her confidence and security. I'll make a diva out of her. And I think that joining Glee club is an important step for her, don't you think Mr. Shue?"
Mr. Shue's shoulders slumped. "Yes, Mercedes. Rachel, do you have an issue with the short girl?"
"She's distracted, and possibly mentally unsound. I don't feel threatened."
Kurt grinned. "Let her in Mr. Shue. I'll kick her ass at show choir, and in the mall."
"So, that just leaves Jasper." Mr Shue looked around. "Does he remind anyone else of Brittany?"
"I'm not the only one thinking that!"
"You see it too?"
"It's like he's her secret twin! Britt, could you have a secret twin?"
"Lord Tubbington is my secret twin." She answered seriously. Mr. Shue just wrote Jasper Hale on the list. "Let's go tell them then!" He roused. No-one cheered. "Can I come?" Finn asked eagerly. Mr. Shue sighed. "Anyone who wants to can come."
The Cullens and Brad were still standing silently in the same positions they had been left Shue somehow mustered a beaming smile, as he said the words that were to change all their lives forever. (Dun-dun-dun)
"Emmett, Alice, Edward and Bella Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper Hale, welcome to Glee club!"
Their expressions ranged from unbridled joy (Jasper), to horrified disbelief (Rosalie and Bella), to manic evil smirks (Alice).
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