|Mr Monk's Family Reunion
Author: McClellan Falk PM
A scientific study of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder brings Mr. Monk's extended biological family together for a bizarre and comedic family reunion.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor/Crime - Ambrose M. & Dr. N. Bell - Words: 10,190 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 08-27-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8473388
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
BEGIN EPISODE: MR. MONK'S FAMILY REUNION
AERIAL SHOT ZOOMS IN TO VIEW SMALL OCEAN COVE SURROUNDED BY ROCKY CLIFFS. POLICE PERSONNEL MULL OVER CRIME SCENE.
EXT. OCEAN COVE – DAY
CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY and other police personnel gather evidence.
MONK is moving his hands through the air, studying the crime scene. He is wearing fly-fishing boots, raincoat and gloves to protect him from the sand.
Brush grows on the sea cliffs becoming dense where the rocks meet the sand. Out from thick brush extend the legs of a dead man wearing flippers.
Sea weed has been pushed up to the rocks beneath where the dead man lies. A single set of flipper-prints can be seen in the drying sand, leading to the body.
(moving hands through air)
The person who planned this thought he would out-smart everyone... even the police. But his plan back-fired, and his intended-victim survived.
Why do you say that? That guy looks pretty dead to me.
In fact, the plan back-fired to the point where I'm beginning to think the person who planned to murder someone, here, last night,
is that man lying over there.
Flippers, attached to hairy, bluish calves, stick out from the brush. Monk walks thoughtfully over to corpse and reaches down slowly, with his index finger, to touch a point on one of the flippers. Monk then turns to study the nearby area.
The person he planned to kill was with him when he died.
(Randy standing nearby)
How's that possible when there's only this one set of flipper-prints?
Yeah! How could two people come into the cove and one leave without leaving at least...
Whispering to himself, Randy counts on his fingers. Then, looking confused, he points toward flipper-prints and tries, again, to analyze problem.
(rolling his eyes)
Randy's face lights up as if he had come up with the answer, himself.
Yeah! There should be at least three sets of prints! Two coming and, uh...
One! And one set leaving!
The question isn't "Why aren't there more prints?" The question is "Why are there any prints?"
This crime took place yesterday, before high tide. If the dead man had been alone, the tide would have washed away all the prints.
How can you be sure how high the tide was last night?
By the sea weed. See?
There is sea weed bunched up just under rocks where the corpse's legs extend from the brush.
This seaweed was pushed all the way up to these rocks by the tide last night. It's still wet.
Monk considers the pile of sea weed, then begins laying it out in evenly-spaced rows. NATALIE's cell phone RINGS.
Adrian Monk Consulting Services. Natalie speaking. Can I help you?
Natalie EXITS to take call.
Monk points at the flipper-prints in the sand while still organizing the sea weed.
These flipper-prints begin midway between where the waves reached at high tide, last night, and where they are reaching now, at mid-day. The other person involved in this death left sometime this morning.
(walking along, following the line of flipper-prints)
Okay then, if these are flipper-prints of a person leaving...
(points toward victim in brush)
...why are they aiming in that direction - toward where the victim died, instead of away from the cove?
I'm not sure yet. All I know is the person that man...
(points to dead man in brush)
...planned to kill must have out-smarted him and managed to escape without a trace.
(scratches his head and stares at corpse in disbelief)
So you're saying the murderer somehow became the victim.
Monk shrugs a "95%" affirmative while moving police personnel out of his way so he can straighten-out a long piece of seaweed.
ENTER Natalie, holding cell phone.
Mr. Monk! I have really exciting news!
(cringes, looking up from sea weed project)
That was AMBROSE on the phone!
CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY AND ASSORTED OTHER PERSONNEL
(all stop working, cringe and look toward Natalie, muttering…)
(rolls her eyes at everyone, then speaks privately to Monk)
Your "daring" little brother, decided to take a risk, of all things, and he signed up for a Pharmaceutical Study of the relationship between genetics and psychiatric disorders.
So the good news must be that this has absolutely nothing to do with me?
Based on the questionnaire Ambrose filled out, the sponsors paid investigators to locate all the first, second and third degree relatives, in your generation,
and they've organized a Family Reunion to take place at Ambrose's house, as soon as everyone arrives in town.
(eyes wide in terror shaking his head)
No no no no no no no...
(a little too loudly)
Isn't that exciting, Mr. Monk? In just a few days every single relative you and Ambrose have will all be together in one place!
Upon realizing the implications of her announcement, Natalie's expression gradually changes to concern.
No no no no.
The police personnel get back to their jobs, shaking their heads, and smiling while Natalie stands there with an extremely concerned expression. Monk, still shaking his head "No," goes over to large pile of seaweed, and begins pulling on a strand to add to the neat rows he has been organizing.
AERIAL CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW CRIME SCENE, SIMILAR TO BEGINNING SCENE WHEN CAMERA ZOOMED-IN, EXCEPT MUCH OF THE SEA WEED HAS BEEN ARRANGED IN STRAIGHT LINES.
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY
Monk and Natalie approach Ambrose's house by front walkway. Monk is even stiffer than usual, dreading a conversation with Ambrose.
Mr. Monk, maybe you should discuss the Family Reunion with Ambrose before making your final decision.
Monk almost falls over, trying to avoid stepping on a crack in the walkway.
No no no no no no no...
But, Mr. Monk, if Ambrose is willing to take a personal risk like this, don't you think as his, uh, "older-and-far-more-high-functioning" brother, you should at least try to support his efforts?
(slows down and turns to face Monk)
This is your family, Mr. Monk! These are your blood relatives who are coming from all over the country just to have a chance to meet each other and learn more about your family's medical history!
They continue walking, Monk trying to balance while walking a straight line.
Besides, what you could learn from talking with them might save your life someday.
Natalie and Monk reach the front porch.
(turns to face Natalie at front door)
Natalie, this has to be a scam!
First of all, I never heard my parents talk about other family members, of any "degree," anywhere.
Secondly, there's no way anyone sharing my genetic characteristics would break from their daily routine to travel hundreds,
even thousands of miles to wallow in a collective genetic nightmare so a corporation of scientists...
...who are probably even crazier than we are... can find more effective ways to drug us.
Monk doesn't notice that Ambrose has opened the front door.
Lastly... but not leastly... there would have to be a far more compelling reason for anyone, even remotely similar to me,
to venture from their tedious, (but not totally horrifying,) daily routine,
out into the vast abyss of unfamiliar-everything-that would definitely and immediately erupt into total chaos.
Not to even mention the germs.
Unfamiliar bacteria from total strangers and dirty, unorganized things that would...
(from behind Monk)
What about money?
(turns to face Ambrose)
Would money help?
Money? They pay... money? How much... money?
They pay according to the percentage of annual income we spend on medication,
nursing and assistant services as well as the number of hours per week we spend in psycho-therapy.
INT: AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Monk and Ambrose sit facing each other at dining table while Natalie explores Ambrose's piles of newspapers and mail. She glances at local newspaper headline which reads "SUPER-SLEUTH ADRIAN MONK INVESTIGATES BIZARRE 'SEA COVE' DEATH," and rolls her eyes at photo of Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy standing at the crime scene with flippers sticking out from the brush in the background and organized rows of seaweed in the foreground.
Another publication catches her eye.
Oh look there's a sale at Brymen's Fashions. They always have pants that fit me perfectly. Let me see, when is the sale?
(picks up paper, causing Ambrose to stiffen
and watch her every move)
Let's see. The sale is April 14th through April 18th... 1971?
(puts paper carefully back where it came from
while Ambrose watches with stern expression)
No wonder their pants fit so well. They've been making 'em since Bell Bottoms...
(wanders off, trying to appear cavalier)
Natalie turns corner and disappears into kitchen.
Monk and Ambrose face each other solemnly.
I'm sorry for not telling you about the Pharmaceutical Study... I mean, Family Reunion... sooner.
I wanted to spare you months of worry, especially since I knew you'd agree to take part when you find out what they're paying.
Don't be so sure of that.
What are they paying?
Ambrose looks around, paranoid, as if the piles of paper in the room are eavesdropping. This causes Monk to look around.
What are we looking at?
Ambrose ignores Monk's question and jots a number down on a piece of bright yellow scratch paper. Monk's jaw drops when he sees the figure.
You get the most.
Why do I get the most?
Well, I would have gotten more, except I never leave the house, so I rarely spend money.
But it's my understanding you beat the rest of the family hands down, based on your costs of psycho therapy,
nursing and assistant services, especially since Trudy...
How do you know so much about my expenses?
Have you ever met me? You know, your bother Ambrose? Your wife Trudy's closest friend and confidant?
(gestures toward piles of paper and mail)
Keeper of the archives of just about everything? Adrian, I've known you for most of your life and I never forget anything!
(thinks quietly a few moments)
All I seem to forget are the good things.
Ambrose nods sympathetically.
(looks again at yellow paper)
What do they get for all this money?
They gain access to our medical records, except they aren't given our names. All our personal information
is assigned a number. And, of course, we'll have to fill out quite a few forms.
Still, how can all that be worth this much?
Well, apparently ours is the best documented seriously mentally "challenged" family in modern history
who have all managed to find ways to support ourselves.
(twitching head good naturedly)
Clumsy though they may be.
Ambrose nods agreement.
How did our family become so well documented?
Uh, well, one of our cousins has been doing a very detailed, uh, even somewhat invasive, family history.
Apparently she is very skilled at hacking computers.
MONK - AMBROSE
(shakes head) (mumbles)
Isn't that against the law? We'll be having to sign
a release… on that…
(takes it all in, then)
But, Ambrose, where did all these relatives come from? Why didn't we ever meet them?
Why didn't anyone talk about them when we were growing up?
And if they are "like us," they must be from Dad's side, because he's been the main cause of our family's problems.
And Dad's an only child, and his parents died before he even met Mom.
Monk, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this... because I know you've been in, kind of, denial about it…
But our mental illness didn't come from Dad's side.
Monk pauses, looking down. Then his face stiffens into an indignant glare.
Don't talk about Mom that way, Ambrose. She was perfect. She always did everything for us and she always did everything perfect.
She cleaned, she ironed, she vacuumed, she washed everything over and over and over and she scrubbed and scrubbed and...
Realization replaces indignation and Monk gradually regains his composure, nodding his head in grim resignation. They both sit quietly at the table, staring solemnly at their folded hands.
Natalie's CELL PHONE RINGS from other room. Her voice can be heard answering, (V.O.) but her side of the conversation is too faint to understand.
Natalie ENTERS living room from kitchen and walks toward dining room.
I'm sorry to disturb your...
Monk and Ambrose are staring sullenly at their hands.
Natalie frowns and shakes her head at the sight of them.
But Mr. Monk is needed at the Coroner's office. They have autopsy results from the "Sea Cove" case.
Monk and Ambrose shrug their shoulders and mumble...
(shakes head) - (mumbles)
Freaking "Sea Cove" case. - Wish I had... glamorous...
(then) - (then)
Gotta go. -Yeah, okay.
They begin to push their chairs away from the table as Natalie picks up yellow scratch paper and looks at the amount written on it in stunned disbelief.
EXT. LARGE GOVERNMENT BUILDING/ FRONT STEPS - DAY
Captain Stottlemeyer is approaching the building from a different direction than Monk and Natalie. They meet in front to talk.
We have an ID on the body. His name is Ralph Breezey.
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie begin climbing the stairs toward Entrance of Government building.
I know that name. By any chance is he Ralph Breezey of the Breezey Mouthwash family?
Yes he is. How do you know that?
Her family is in toothpaste, remember?
Yes. The human mouth is a surprisingly small world.
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie ENTER Government Building.
INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/RECEPTION AREA - DAY
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie pass Reception Desk and walk toward Elevators.
Did you know him?
Only by reputation. He was quite the party boy. My parents knew his parents, and I remember them talking about
how they hoped he would straighten upand take his place in their company so they wouldn't have to die in order to retire.
Well, they're retired now. They were both killed in a car accident two weeks ago, leaving Ralphy-boy as their sole benefactor.
They reach the elevator and wait in front of it.
What are we doing?
Waiting for the elevator.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie remember Monk's fear of elevators and, after whining a little, head for the stairs.
We went to where the victim used to live, well, more like "flop." Breezey and his new wife Sara, who is, apparently,
of Las Vegas streetwalker fame, haven't been seen since the day before we found his body. Our investigators
found evidencethey were both drug addicts and there were traces of the poison that killed Breezey in the sink.
They enter stairwell and begin climbing the stairs.
INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/STAIRWELL - DAY
Then the person who called in the report must have been his wife.
Probably. The call was made from a public phone close to the scene and we found a pair of flippers, same brand as Breezey's, in a trash can nearby.
Did Forensics ever find trace evidence to I.D. the second person at the Cove?
No, but we found quite a bit of DNA on that second set of flippers.
How does DNA get on flippers?
Whoever was wearing them must have walked over sharp rocks, because their was bloody sand all over them.
That's funny. That area of beach wasn't very rocky. One could easily have walked around the rocks.
The DNA results aren't back, yet, and we haven't located Breezey's wife, so we're still pretty much in the woods on this case.
What are you talking about? What were you looking for in the woods?
Captain Stottlemeyer rolls his eyes as they EXIT stairwell and walk down hallway toward Rm. #307.
INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/3RD FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY
Do you think Ralph's wife killed him for the Breezey Mouthwash fortune?
Mrs. Breezey did have a multi-million dollar motive to kill her husband and we have strong evidence she was with him when he died.
But the evidence is conclusive that Ralph Breezey's wife didn't kill him.
They reach the door marked "CORONER Room 307."
(stops to face them)
Then what are we trying to find out?
Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer open office door and begin to ENTER.
MONK - CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER
(shaking head) - (mumbling)
That's the mystery, here. - I wish I knew.
Natalie looks confused as she follows Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer into the Corner Room 307.
END ACT ONE.
INT. CORONERS OFFICE/AUTOPSY ROOM – DAY
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie enter door to Autopsy Room.
The Autopsy room is a little echoey (to enhance comedy effects.)
Captain Stottlemeyer, Monk, Natalie and the Coroner stand before the corpse from the "Sea Cove" case. The corpse is covered with a white sheet.
The autopsy results support pretty much everything in your report. He's an addict, but the substance that killed him
was definitely not something anyone would intentionally inject into their own bloodstream.
Yeah, the agonized expression on his face was terrible, unforgettable.
I didn't think much about it at the crime scene,
but I can't get that image out of my mind. I've had nightmares about it!
(pauses to look deep into Natalie's eyes)
Did you see his face, Natalie?
No, Mr. Monk.
You should look at it.
No. It's okay, Mr. Monk.
No. I'm serious. I really want you to look at it.
No, really, Mr. Monk. I don't see any reason why I should…
Natalie! Gaze upon the face of the monster and understand my pain!
Okay, okay, Mr. Monk. I'll look at him. I'll…
Natalie lifts sheet to view the dead man's face, then does a thing where she screams and gags at the same time.
Now do you understand how the horror and agony on that man's face will be burned into my memory forever?
Yes, Mr. Monk. I understand perfectly... now.
Natalie covers her mouth and gags again.
No one should have to endure an experience like that alone.
I saw that face at the same time you saw it, Monk. So did Randy. In fact, everyone at the crime scene saw that face and…
Please continue, Doctor.
I think the evidence supports Mr. Monk's theory that the hypodermic containing the poison that killed this man was probably intended for someone else.
(wanders off muttering something about)
… not … in… job description …
(then, off-camera mutters)
… permanently traumatized …
(glances momentarily over toward Natalie, then continues)
If you think his outer appearance is disturbing, you should see what the poison did to his circulatory system.
Natalie coughs. (V.O.)
And the syringe containing the poison was covered in this man's own fingerprints.
This man filled a syringe and injected himself with the poison that resulted in his own hideously agonizing death.
Natalie ENTERS scene, wiping her mouth with tissue.
But, if the perpetrator and the victim are the same person, wouldn't that make it a suicide?
Technically, yes, but not an intentional suicide.
Problem is, there's evidence that a homicide was planned involving another person, possibly this man's wife.
And that person may or may not have played a part in bringing about this man's death.
And the part that person played may have been premeditated, so we're forced to treat this case as a possible homicide.
Randy ENTERS door.
Sorry I'm late. I've been waiting in another room with the wrong corpse.
Randy peeks under sheet and jumps back at the horrendous sight.
Yep. That's the one.
Randy turns to Natalie and playfully imitates the horrible face, causing her to step away from him, appalled.
Did anyone figure out why the footprints were going the wrong way?
Oh, yeah. The single set of flipper-prints, going the wrong direction is a real mind-blower, too.
We need to come up with some theories about how the other person involved in this managed to survive
and get away without leaving trace evidenceor this case is in danger of going cold – fast.
Captain Stottlemeyer studies the corpse on the table and scratches his head while Monk nods in agreement.
INT. MONK'S APARTMENT/DESK - DAY
Monk is sitting at his desk. He open's the Sea Cove Case file. What he sees causes him to cringe and close the file.
Monk tries to look at it sideways with his eyes squinting - almost closed. It doesn't help.
Monk closes the folder and sits back in his chair. He looks around the room at the many photos of Trudy on the wall.
Monk walks up to one of the photos and says:
You were all the family I ever needed.
Now strangers are my family, and all we have in common are... genetic defects.
(then, as if Trudy had said something encouraging)
That's true. We do seem to have one genetic strength. We all have jobs.
Monk wanders back to his desk and, still standing, opens the folder.
(wincing in terror/disgust)
Oh! That's... just...
Monk puts on sun glasses and tries again to look at the photo but it doesn't help.
There's no way Breezey did that to himself on purpose. He couldn't have known...
Closing the folder, Monk sits at the desk and haltingly opens one of the desk drawers. He brings out a Family Photo album.
The early pictures of he and Ambrose include both their father and mother. But when the boys are a bit older, the father becomes conspicuously absent. Monk runs his finger over the area where the father would probably have been in the photo.
For the first time he notices people in the background of some of the photos. Monk runs his finger over their images. There are other grownups that look a bit like his mom - and there are a number of children who look like Monk - dark eyes and curly hair.
In a few photos are male twins that appear to be a few years younger than Monk and Ambrose. In the photos the twins always seem to be poking and pushing at each other.
In one photo, Monk's mom is holding a little curly haired girl who is at least ten years younger than Monk. The little girl is grinning while holding up in the air some sort of learning toy that has lots of buttons.
Who are you people?
And why do I always notice the smallest details everywhere except in my personal life?
Monk looks again at the early pictures of he, Ambrose and their mom and dad. He runs his finger gently over Ambrose, who is standing beside them, grinning.
Monk then looks at the photos of the family after their father left, and runs his finger gently over Ambrose's image. In the latter photos, Ambrose is always in the background, standing in the doorway, peering out from the house.
Ambrose. What happened to you?
From somewhere in his memory Monk hears SIRENS SOUNDING and his MOTHER's voice screaming:
Ambrose! Ambrose! My baby!
Monk covers his ears and shakes his head, shaking off the memory. He then puts the Family Album back into the desk drawer and turns back to the Sea Cove Case file.
He opens the file and forces himself to look at the photo.
Looking at you is easier than thinking... remembering...
Which could be the reason why my relatives all have jobs.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY
DR. BELL and Monk are sitting in chairs, talking.
I've investigated a lot of murders, but the pain in his face... It haunts me.
The agony he must have felt - the fear - the unbelievable reminds me of something deeply disturbing.
I think it reminds me of... my daily life.
Why do you think looking at that man's face struck such a personal chord with you?
I think looking at his face is like looking into a mirror and, instead of seeing the outer me, I see the inner me.
It seems your self image has recently taken a turn for the worse, Adrian. Are you sure there isn't something else going on in your life that might be adding to your anxiety? Maybe the...
(speaks very carefully)
Why would the thought of flailing in a cesspool of negativity, with total strangers, while scientists watch us like monkeys cause a drop in my self esteem?
It might, however, cause the "Gates of Hell" to open...
Adrian, did it ever occur to you that your family...
...might share more of your positive qualities than your, uh, other...?
Monk reaches into his pocket for the yellow paper Ambrose gave him and extends it to Dr. Bell.
Is that why a Pharmaceutical Company would pay this much money to observe our family for just an afternoon?
Dr. Bell looks at the yellow paper and fails to mask his shock.
What am I selling? My pain?
I doubt they'd pay that much for my dignity!
If they're willing to pay this much for your pain, Mr. Monk, I suggest you sell it to them and then leave it behind for them to deal with.
They can't cure my pain, they can only find new ways to numb it.
Well, that being the case, I'm afraid you're still left with only two choices:
Say "Hello" to your family...
(holding up yellow paper)
or say "Goodbye" to this.
MONK nods, reaches for the yellow paper, folds it and puts it carefully into his pocket.
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT SIDEWALK - DAY
Natalie is pulling on Monk's sleeve, trying to physically pull him out of her car.
Come on, Mr. Monk! Come on, get out of the car!
Monk won't budge, so Natalie stops to think of a plan.
Oops, Mr. Monk! There's something on your pocket.
Natalie reaches into Monk's pocket and pulls out the yellow paper.
Look, Mr. Monk! It's lots and lots of money! But you can only have it if you follow me...
She tempts Monk out of the car by holding the sheet of paper in front of him.
Don't what? Don't lead you to where they are paying you all this money?
Natalie, with Monk following, approaches Ambrose's house. Exactly ten balloons, all the same color, mark the location of Monk's Family Reunion.
(stops as if enchanted)
What's beautiful, Mr. Monk?
There are exactly ten.
How did they get them so even?
(reaches up to touch balloon string)
They're hard. The strings are plastic and they're all even.
(intoxicated by the balloon symmetry)
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT YARD - DAY
Natalie leads Monk along the side/yard pathway leading to gate of back yard. Path is marked by balloons and signs - all even, uniform and in perfect symmetry.
Monk is experiencing a rare feeling of tranquility to the point that Natalie has to help him balance as he looks up and around saying
Come on, Mr. Monk.
Monk balks as they reach the gate.
Come on, Mr. Monk! Your family's in there!
Monk braces himself, fearing the worst, as Natalie opens the gate.
The "Gates of Hell."
END ACT TWO.
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LARGE BACKYARD – DAY
Very large backyard. Ten folded tables line one wall. On each side, ten folding chairs are stacked. One long Food-Service table (the only table that is set up) has ten heating/cooling pans ready for ten food entries. In the background a portable Dance Floor has been set up. People (extras) are milling about.
A MAN IN WHEELCHAIR is nagging his NURSE to constantly wipe, attend and adjust him. The Man In Wheelchair's complaints are as relentless as his Nurse's efforts to quell them.
There is a WOMAN WITH SPOON standing near the Food-Service table, hovering with a large serving spoon in her hand. Her HUSBAND stands beside her, staring into space.
A large menu, fully laminated and set up neatly on an easel, reads
"Today's lunch will be catered by:
We don't touch it,
We don't taste it,
We don't taint it.
We guarantee your food is clean
And we hope it tastes good."
It sounds delicious.
Group of people ENTER scene from back door of house. ANGIE is first out. She is an attractive dark haired/dark eyed woman in her late thirties. Angie is followed by TWIN ONE and TWIN TWO, twin men in their early forties who look very much like Monk.
The twins begin an Obsessive Compulsive counting ritual, at the door, which starts off politely but ends in a push fight.
Ambrose is left behind, just inside the house, looking out the back door.
Everyone (above) heads for middle of yard.
How long is the wait for the bathroom?
About two hours.
Two hours? How many people are in line?
Aren't there two bathrooms in the house?
How long is the wait for the other one?
No one knows. The person inside only says "Occupied."
WOMAN WITH SPOON
How long has that person been in the bathroom?
(shakes head, solemnly)
No one knows. They're starting to call him "THE POOPER."
Ambrose said they'll be delivering porta-potties any time, now.
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
What good will that do?
Everyone shrugs their shoulders as if to say:
I dunno. Beats me! I have no idea.
(wanders forward, happily, toward the people)
Natalie! I'm home!
As Natalie watches in amazement, Monk wanders away from her toward the crowd, most of whom are standing in odd-looking pairs, each pair an awkward four to five feet away from each other.
The only thing the Family Members have in common is they all carry large tote-bags of one kind or other. A large tote also hangs on wheelchair of Man In Wheelchair.
Natalie hears ANGIE'S voice from just behind her.
The rats have been delivered to the lab.
(jumps a little in surprise)
Everything's a scientific test.
See those geeks in the lab coats? They have computer feeds attached to their visors and jackets and there are mics and cams hidden everywhere, inside and out.
Everything that happens today will be a scientific test, and it will all be recorded... in detail.
(curious and a bit uncomfortable)
Hi. I'm Natalie, Adrian Monk's assistant. And you are..?
I'm the eyes, ears and common sense of this pitiful gene-pool of self-absorbed, brianiacs.
You can call me Angie for short.
Natalie and Angie shake hands in a friendly manner. Angie is about 38 ears old. She has dark hair and beautiful dark eyes - a female Adrian Monk. She is stylishly dressed, wearing gloves that enhance her outfit.
Have you noticed that, in our family, everyone born in this generation has a name that begins with an "A?"
Actually, I haven't met anyone, yet. Mr. Monk seems comfortable enough to bond with his family at his own pace.
Natalie gestures toward the Family Members. Most are squirming, not knowing what to do. Monk is standing with them, at a safe distance, smiling peacefully, but not speaking.
The next generation of our family must all be given "B" names or the Earth will spin from it's axis into space, thus ending life as we know it.
Are you speaking figuratively or do you really believe that?
Are you trying to scare me or are you just being funny?
Natalie and Angie squint at each other for a few moments, then decide to shrug it off.
PERSON IN WHITE COAT makes announcement.
PERSON IN WHITE COAT
Your hosts from Stonewell Pharmaceuticals would greatly appreciate our valued guest's help in setting up the folding tables and chairs that are stacked against the far wall. Lunch will be served in 15 minutes.
MAN IN WHEELCHAIR
Fifteen minutes? How can anyone set up tables in 15 minutes?
WOMAN WITH SPOON
(gestures with serving spoon as if it's a wand)
...forgot my wand!
Does anyone have a measuring tape?
The controls are in place and the rats have been introduced to the test environment.
Angie pulls a level out her large tote, eyes Natalie wildly, then heads for the action.
Let the games begin!
SHOT focuses on a white line in the grass between where the Family Members had been standing and the area where they have been instructed to set up the tables and chairs.
On each side of the line is a sign that reads: "NO ASSISTANTS, SPOUSES OR GUESTS BEYOND THIS POINT."
Natalie is fascinated to see all the odd looking pairs split up, the assistants and spouses remaining behind the white line.
To her shock, when the Nurse separates from Man in Wheelchair, it is the Nurse that turns out to be the Family Member.
The family members continue forward to the tables where, gradually, chaos evolves.
They begin fighting over tables, or, when a table is set up, they wrestle over which direction the table should aim. They all seem to be carrying tools; tape measures, levels, compasses. The situation escalates to where chairs and tables begin flying over the wall into the next yard as some of the family members cannot cope with their anxiety and try to rid themselves its cause.
Monk is strangely calm as he stands away from the crowd and allows events to take place without making any effort to try to correct anything.
Through all the yelling and complaining of the Family Members as they slowly rid the yard of all the tables and folding chairs, Natalie hears the word "Police" and decides to go over to Monk to check on him.
Monk sees Natalie approaching and he meets her at the white line.
Are you okay, Mr. Monk?
I've never been so relaxed! It's as if I don't have to worry about anything because they're taking care of everything I would normally be doing. I've never felt this much at home!
You should feel at home, Mr. Monk. You're with your family!
Monk and Natalie turn to gaze fondly at Monk's family as POLICE SIRENS can be heard, causing the background conversation between the family members to change from hysterical remarks about setting up the tables to hysterical remarks about "Cops."
It's "the heat."
Their not here for me. Even Law Enforcement knows that folding tables should be set up perpendicular to the sun.
WOMAN WITH SPOON
How can a table be set up perpendicular to the sun?
You always side with him.
WOMAN WITH SPOON
I wonder if they're packing heat.
Where'd my level go?
Then set the tables up adjacent to the sun.
WOMAN WITH SPOON
Now you're just screwing with us.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy ENTER through gate, pulling their shields from their jacket pockets.
There's been a complaint about a disturbance. Littering or assault on personal property... or dumping?
Who's in charge here?
The people in the white coats and visors stay in background, observing, while some of the family members run around aimlessly, trying to hide, and others stand, holding their head and talking to themselves.
The only family member who appears calm is Monk who smiles serenely at the Captain and Randy.
(yelling over the chaos)
I will only ask one more time - who's in charge, here?
(approaching with a smile)
I guess, under these conditions,
(gestures toward havoc ensuing behind him)
...that would be me!
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie gather at the white line as the comical frenzy continues in the background. They all stand together, watching and shaking their heads.
Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie are still standing in a group near the white "NO ASSISTANTS OR SPOUSES BEYOND THIS POINT" line.
Okay, listen-up everybody. I have conferred with your
(gestures toward Monk)
"Serene Leader," here, Mr. Monk, and we've agreed that the tables and chairs are safety hazards,
and you will all have to eat standing up. The Family Members calm down, finding the decision agreeable.
Person In White Coat comes forward to make a second announcement.
PERSON IN WHITE COAT
As you can see, dinner is being catered by:
(gestures toward large, laminated menu on easel next to table and reads)
For your safety we ask that you stay behind the white line while lunch is being delivered.
We will then remove the white line and there will be no further guest or Family Member restrictions.
Thank you for your cooperation.
The people who set up lunch are wearing full-body protective gear, as if they work for an Asbestos Removal Company. They deliver the food as the Family waits impatiently behind the white line. When the line is finally removed, Family Members charge forward to reunite with their prospective assistants/spouses. They then form a perfectly straight line as they wait their turn to serve themselves lunch, sometimes squirming and sometimes having little "push fights" with each other.
For some reason, the Lady With Spoon decides to stand behind the desert tray with her large serving spoon and whack the hand of anyone who tries to take a sweet. However, when her husband reaches for one, he blocks her spoon with some sort of defensive gear he wears on his arm.
Everything on the table is individually packaged. When Monk reaches into the large pan of peas with a serving spoon, the peas land on his plate in a small, squishy plastic bag.
Monk is so happy tears are beginning to fill his eyes when he hears Ambrose calling out to him from the back door.
Adrian! Help! Help!
There's been a robbery!
Monk runs toward house and ENTERS through back door.
INT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ambrose is pacing in and out of his rows of saved newspapers.
(moving from pile to pile, panic stricken)
Someone has been going through my newspapers! Seven of them are missing! October 7, 1982, April 22, 1984, July…
How can you tell which ones are missing?
Are you kidding me, Adrian? You've been in this room 7 times in the past 5 years
and you can't tell when something as huge as a newspaper has been moved?
Monk smiles, relieved at the idea he is capable of missing something.
Actually… no! I don't notice anything!
Ambrose gasps, and backs away from Monk as if he is an alien impostor. From off-camera, JACK MONK's voice says,
JACK MONK V.O.
Hell, I haven't been in this house for over forty years and I can see where newspapers have been moved from those piles.
MONK AND AMBROSE
Monk and Ambrose stand stunned as their father, Jack Monk, ENTERs scene. No one can find their voice until Ambrose gestures over to a section of the room where endless rows of stacked, plastic containers, [marked "Mail" followed by the number of a year,] are jammed full of mail that has been collecting for over 40 years.
(finally able to speak)
I saved your mail…
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY
Angie approaches Natalie from behind.
Adrian's dad has a photographic memory and an I.Q. of one-fifty, but he's a bit of a slob.
(again surprised, then)
I guess they had financial problems, back when Adrian and Ambrose were kids, so Jack took a night-job driving trucks. Then, one night he didn't come home.
How do you know this stuff? And why are you telling me?
(she studies Angie, squinting one eye)
... And how is it you're the only Family Member here able to manage without a spouse or an assistant or an, uh, twin?
Angie smiles wryly and produces an high-tech Blackberry.
This little gem, and its multi-network support system, makes it possible for me to probe any information that is stored on the internet.
It also makes the entire world my assistant.
Oh, so you're the one Mr. Monk had to sign the release for. You're the computer hacker!
I told you, I'm this family's eyes and ears.
(under her breath)
More like a family snoop...
Well, at least I don't earn my living assisting a snoop.
Oh, yeah. I guess you're right.
Adrian's father's here, you know.
Mr. Monk is here? I mean Mister, Mister Monk? Where?
Natalie begins to bolt toward back door of house but Angie grabs her clothing and pulls her back.
Whoa, Lassie. It's his father, not Godzilla. Let them have some time to catch up.
Yeah. You're right again. It's his father. What am I so worried about?
Why are you telling me all this?
Well, you're a bright girl, but no genius. So I figure I can do or say pretty much whatever I want
without being concerned you might generate meaningful consequences.
A Band begins to set up in the background. The twins stand on the dance floor, watching.
Hey! Watch this!
Angie grabs a small package of chips from the food-service table and squeezes the closed package, crumbling the chips into small pieces. She then runs up to the twins and pretends to stumble, throwing crumbs all over the twins, who immediately begin brushing each other off.
Here! Let me help you!
No! Let me!
Just a minute you have it on your...
At that point the polite brushing-off-of-crumbs degenerates into a comedic slap-fight.
Angie has returned to her place beside Natalie.
(grinning as they watch the twins)
Twin One pulls a Dust Buster vacuum out of his large tote-bag and is trying to vacuum up the crumbs from the Dance Floor while Twin Two points at the places Twin One is missing.
Twin One ignores Twin Two, which results in Twin Two trying to grab the Dust Buster from Twin One.
As Natalie nods in response to Angie, in the background the twins begin to wrestle on the Dance Floor.
Soon the Lady With The Spoon ENTERs the background scene, smacking the twins on the hands with her spoon.
(absentmindedly, still watching twins)
It's too bad about Ambrose, don't you think?
Oh, I guess you don't know.
Apparently, after their father left, Ambrose became a little nervous about leaving his mom and going to school.
Then one day, without telling his mom, Ambrose decided to face his fears and he ran out of the house to catch the Bus
so he would be able to ride to school with Adrian. But when he ran into the street he was hit by a car.
Oh, no. Poor Ambrose.
He was hurt, but nothing permanent. A few breaks that healed. But his Mother would never let him out of her sight, after that.
Eventually, he stopped leaving the house. Do you know about what happened to Adrian's Mom?
The BAND BEGINS TUNING UP, drowning out Angie's voice. Family Members hold their ears and/or yell out:
Ohhh, nooooo! What song it that?
MAN IN WHEEL CHAIR
...my ear plugs?
TWIN ONE and TWIN TWO
...three battleship...four battleship...
...gonna need a... Band begins first song by counting...
One two three...
Which starts a flood of compulsive counting, stomping of feet and acting out of rituals that Family Members relate to numbers. Soon the scene is so confusing that the band looses its focus and timing and the song peters out.
A few moments later the Band regroups and tries again with a different song - only resulting in the same bizarre scene.
Monk and his father ENTER back yard through back door. They walk together having their first relatively normal conversation.
Why did you leave Mom? Was it because she was too clean?
Monk and Jack Monk sit facing away from house on garden bench.
No, Son. I had to leave your mom because I was too dirty.
It got to where, every time I touched your Mom, she had to take a shower.
I started sleeping on the couch, then I moved into the garage.
Son, it got to the point where I couldn't go into the house without causing your mom hours of work.
(looks sadly at ground)
I decided to leave because I knew if your mom didn't have to spend so much time cleaning up after me, she would have more time for you kids.
If that was the case, why didn't you tell me about it Christmas, when we were on the road?
You had one parent you could feel 100% proud of, Adrian, and I didn't want to take that from you.
Then why now?
(rolls eyes as
if stating the obvious)
Because they are paying me.
Oh, yeah. I guess I got that trait…
JACK MONK - MONK
(smiling) - (smiling)
From me. - From you.
They're letting me leave early because I have a long run, tomorrow.
(gets up to leave)
Also, for your information, those self-proclaimed experts have informed me that it is I, Jack Monk the truck driver,
who supplied the DNA that gives you kids photographic memories.
So try to remember that when you think of me, okay?
Jack Monk hugs his son.
I love you, Son.
The tension is apparent on Monk's face as he struggles not to call out to Natalie for a wipe.
Smiling, Jack Monk reaches into his pocket and hands Monk a small package of wipes.
Here you go, Son.
Jack Monk EXITS, walking into the distance as Monk wipes is hands and face. Jack Monk is almost out of camera view as Monk whispers:
(far in the background)
One, two, three, four...
Family Members begin, again, their bizarre number-counting, stomping of feet and ritual acting-out as the Band again loses its timing and song peters out.
END ACT THREE
Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy, Natalie, Monk and Angie are standing together near back door of Ambrose's house. The dance floor is empty, except for the twins who are watching the band gather the courage to try another song.
Hey, everybody! Watch this.
Angie grabs a small trash can from beside the food-service table and scribbles something on it with a Permanent Marker. She then picks up a small Basketball that happens to be on the ground.
She puts the trash can on the Dance Floor. The words on the trash can read "Ball Holder." She then bounces the small Basketball towards the twins and counts out loud each time the ball bounces.
The twins turn, see the ball and begin to count the bounces. They both try to grab the ball so they can count out their own ritual number of ball-bounces, dribbling and turning away from each other. When the twins notice the trash can, they fight even harder, even pulling each other down, trying to get the ball so they can put it in the can.
Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy, Natalie, Monk and Angie stand together watching Twin One pull Twin Two (who has the ball) across the Dance Floor by his pant's leg.
You know, it never gets old...
What kind of job can they hold down?
(as if stating the obvious)
Entertainers! What else?
Everyone nods in agreement as Monk turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.
Why did they send the Captain of Detectives on a "Littering, assault on personal property, or dumping" call?
We were in the area and recognized the address, so we thought we'd better get over here and protect our friend from flying pick-a-nik tables.
Besides, we needed to come over anyway to talk to you about the Sea Cove Case.
(sarcastically, to Randy)
You gentlemen came here because you want to know more about what happened the night Ralph Breezey died?
(she smiles Monk's "I solved the case" smile)
MONK, CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY & NATALIE
You solved the case?
Here's what happened...
INT. RALPH AND SARAH'S APARTMENT - DAY
Angie narrates the following scenes:
INTERCUT BETWEEN ANGIE'S NARRATIVE (V.O.) AND AMBROSE'S BACKYARD.
As I'm sure you know, Ralph and Sara were addicts. The problems began when Ralph started taking some of Sara's share for himself,
and Sara sobered up enough to realize what he was doing. Sara found the stash and began secretly switching Ralph's share for hers.
Ralph didn't understand why he wasn't getting high anymore, so he kept making his share stronger while making Sara's share weaker.
Then, two weeks ago, when Ralph learned he was going to inherit the family fortune, he decided he didn't want to share money or drugs with Sara anymore,
so he took all the drugs for himself and gave her a poison that destroys human tissue then evaporates, without leaving a trace.
EXT. SEA COVE - DAY/DUSK
On the night he died, Ralph had no idea Sara had traded their stashes and that he was injecting himself with the poison he had intended for her,
nor did Sara know her share had been poisoned, when she traded them.
In fact, Sara didn't know anything was wrong until the following morning.
A Family Member calls out from background making Captain Stottlemeyer, Monk, Natalie, Randy and Angie turn to realize that some of the relatives had grouped around and are listening.
Why did it take her so long to realize Ralph was dead?
Ralph had taken all the drugs for himself so, after switching them and taking Ralph's share, Sara almost overdosed. She didn't wake up until late the next morning.
When she woke up to find Ralph lying next to her with that terrifying expression on his face, Sara backed away from him, horrified, and left the cove in the morning tide, leaving no evidence behind... because of her wet suit.
That explains the backward footprints, and why she didn't step around the sharp rocks - but why was she wearing a wet suit in shallow water?
Why wouldn't she be wearing a wet suit?
Oh yeah. Sand. I hate sand. Freaking sand. Gets in all the cracks. Yeah.
I'd wear a wet suit all the time, except... well, you know.
Yeah. Too much negative attention. Hot and sweaty. Yeah. Sweat gets in all the cracks.
Sara called and reported the death anonymously, then hid from the police until she finally realized that she hadn't done anything illegal
and she could come forward to claim her inheritance.
Angie! How do you know all this? Especially when you don't have access to the police reports!
Who says I don't have access to police reports?
(holds up her Blackberry)
I told you, I'm "plugged in" to everything!
Captain Stottlemeyer tenses up, thinking the Department Computers have been hacked.
That, plus Sara is standing over there, by the gate.
Monk gestures to attractive street-walker-type woman who is standing near back gate, looking as if she is waiting for a John. Captain Stottlemeyer shakes his head and smiles.
Yeah, and there's that... too.
How did you get Sara to talk to you about the case?
Uh, I might have told her I was Adrian Monk.
So, that's how Adrian Monk "Super Sleuth" solves cases? People come over and tell him what happened?
Family Members mumble amongst themselves.
My dog could do that!
"Super Sleuth" my Aunt Ceils's lumpy bee...
Hey! How long is the wait for the bathroom? I really need to go!
About an hour.
How many people are in line?
Then why's it an hour?
(mumble amongst themselves)
Oh, yeah. She washes and blow dries her underwear every time... then she vacuums.
Hey, what about The Pooper?
Is The Pooper out yet?
A line of Porta-Potties stand unused in the distance. Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie roll their eyes good naturedly, while Monk just shrugs his shoulders.
Sara thought you were Mr. Monk?
Uh huh. She asked if Adrian Monk was here, and I said "I'm Adrian Monk," and she didn't seem to notice anything.
That's fine with me. You can be Adrian Monk all the time if you want. I've been enjoying the time off.
If Breezey's plan had worked, Sara's death would've probably been ruled accidental.
Especially since the tide wouldn't have carried her body out of the cove until it reached storm levels, months from now.
Well, she didn't kill anyone, and Breezey didn't commit intentional suicide, so his death was accidental and the inheritance is rightfully hers, insurance and all.
Randy, tell Sara she is free to go but we'd appreciate if she'd stay in town until the paperwork's been filed.
Randy approaches the beautiful call girl to pass along the Captain's message.
(to Angie, flirtatiously)
Welp. I guess it's time to go. But before I do, I'd like to know a little more about how you get your information...
Oh! I was just kidding. This is my first electronic gadget!
And I suppose your first car was a Buggiti Veyron?
Well, not my first car.
Angie gestures toward Randy and Sara because Sara has taken Randy's hand and is leading him away with her.
Randy? Get over here.
Randy jumps, startled, and pulls away from Sara, who doesn't want to let go of his hand. Randy follows Captain Stottlemeyer and Angie who are laughing flirtatiously as they pass the back door of Ambrose's house on their way toward the back gate.
As they EXIT scene, a strange-looking little man comes popping out of the back door of Ambrose's house holding a large stack of newspapers.
Nothing like a good read on the old "Lump Stump."
Who is that? Oh no!
It must be The Pooper!
Did he wash his hands?
Call the Department of Sanitation!
...must come from Jack's side.
You touched my newspapers while you were...?
Making a deposit at the "Doo Doo Depot?"
I need plastic! Miles of plastic. And a team of... anyone.
Just takin' my sweet time on the "Ol' Log Ride!"
Wipes! Plastic! Fire extinguisher!
The Pooper passes everyone by and drops the stack of papers on the food service table. All rush toward food service table, then away from it.
He must be a "Party Pooper!"
WOMAN WITH SPOON
Don't be ridiculous. There is no such thing!
(points toward Twin 2)
You always side with him!
WOMAN WITH SPOON (V.O.)
He didn't say anything!
Table falls over and food falls everywhere. People are running around, not knowing which way to go.
They all EXIT the yard in a stampede.
The Twins get stuck in the gate doing counting rituals. They finally push/pull each other through.
The Pharmaceutical team begins packing up equipment in the background.
Monk is the only Family Member left on the scene.
Well, I guess the party's over.
(stands and assesses the situation)
Natalie, I'm gonna need more wipes.
(takes off jacket, rolls up sleeves and takes small package of wipes from pocket)
I'm going in.
END ACT FOUR.
INT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM
Monk walks through living room toward front door. As he passes he notices some of the newspapers are wrapped in plastic and marked with scull and cross-bones.
Monk EXITs Ambrose's house.
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY
Monk walks down front pathway to sidewalk and turns to gaze down street.
BEGIN MONK THEME SONG: (original song - slow version)
BEGIN SERIES OF SHOTS:
EXT. PARK NEAR AMBROSE'S HOUSE - DAY
Kids playing in park. Child gets on bike in foreground and begins riding toward Ambrose's house on sidewalk opposite where Monk is standing.
Shot drifts from child on bike to travel up front walkway of Ambrose's house, past Monk, who turns to gaze toward front screen door.
As shot passes through screen door into the house, the living room of Ambrose's house morphs into Monk and Ambrose's childhood home.
INT. AMBROSE AND MONK'S CHILDHOOD HOME/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Monk and Ambrose, as young boys, are cleaning the living room with their mother. Their mother is prim and aproned, going from one boy to the other, saying their names (in background of music score) and pointing at spots they are missing. When Monk and Ambrose are finished with their jobs, they stand up and smile, proudly. Their mother's expression is full of love and approval and, in the background of Monk Theme Song, one can hear her say:
You'll thank me later.
Monk and Ambrose, as young boys smile up at their mom.
BACK TO PRESENT.
Young Monk morphs into adult Monk, who is, again standing on front walkway.
EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY
Present-day Monk smiles, affectionately, at the memory and says:
END SERIES OF SHOTS.
END MONK THEME SONG.
END EPISODE: MR. MONK'S FAMILY REUNION.