|New to the Zoo
Author: OutDamnedSpot PM
An old, erm..."friend" is now living at Bob Fossil's zoo. Should the gang rescue him or has he gotten his just desserts? If anyone could recommend a better title for me, that would be awesomeRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Adventure - Old Gregg - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,236 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 11-13-12 - Published: 09-08-12 - id: 8507928
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
When they arrived at the zoo, they saw Old Gregg sitting cross-legged in his cage, arms folded, with a scowl on his face. "Hi, Gregg!" said Vince, trying to be friendly, "I know we didn't hit it off too well when we first met, but..." Old Gregg then spat out a green slime in Vince's face, interrupting his train of thought. "Ew!" he shrieked, "What was that for?"
"For bein' a mothah-lickah," Old Gregg replied.
"Yeah, I bet it was, you bugger," Vince scoffed to himself, then shook his head, rapidly, remembering why they'd come, and politely said, "Howard and I came back to cheer you up a bit. I know how boring it is being locked up. I once got thrown into the slammer for a real bad crime for a long time an'-"
Howard interrupted, "Vince, it wasn't that bad or long. You were in jail for a day when you were a witness at jury duty. The judge said to the accused, 'It will be long and hard' and you told him that's what the actress said to the bishop." Vince laughed hard and slapped his knee. "Why are you laughing? Now that's on your criminal record!"
Vince wiped a tear from his eye from laughing so hard and said, "That was genius! If I could have anything on my criminal record, being a smartass would be at the top of the list! And guess what? It is!" Howard rolled his eyes. "Anyway," Vince continued, "Yeah, I was locked up for a day, but still, I now how it feels to be locked up. My uncle was locked up for a while, too."
"Is this the uncle that owns a boxing ring and isn't actually your uncle?" Howard asked.
"Yeah," Vince replied, "He was in the slammer because he littered."
"What a heinous crime," Howard said, sarcastically, "Everyone watch out for the Noir family! They are filled with no-good, dirty rotten scoundrels who litter and say 'said the actress to bishop' after everything! Lord help us!"
"Okay, first of all, my uncle isn't even my uncle. He's my dad's mate from primary school. So he's not in the Noir family. Secondly, we're not hear to to discuss my criminal record or that of anyone in my family's. We are here to provide a suitable environment for our good friend Gregory here."
"That slut ain't no friend of mine," Old Gregg said, not directing his statement to anyone in particular.
"Hey! Can we do without the name-calling for a bit please?" Vince snapped, "I'm trying to help you. Anyway, what can we do to your environment to make you feel more at home?"
Old Gregg drank some Bailey's from a martini glass and said, "Get me mo' Bailey's. I'm Old Gregg."
"Excellent!" Vince cheered, "There's a start. You writin' this down, Howard?" Howard took out a small pad of paper and jotted down more Bailey's in a black fountain pen.
"Watercolours, uhm, the Funk, things that are good, actually, all things that are good, and uhm... some shoes, so I can drink Bailey's out of 'em, and, uh... some company."
"That's a good start," Vince replied, "Well get going on it, right away, won't we, Howard?" Howard nodded his head. "We'll get going to the grocers to pick up some of this stuff. You behave yourself, Gregg. Yeah?"
"Bye Howard," Old Gregg said with a lustful stare, "I'll see ya when ya get back." Gregg then blew a kiss at Howard and Howard put on an uncomfortable smile.
After Vince and Howard left, Gregg received a few visitors. The first was a young mother and her children. The two oldest were a set of girls who were probably twins or only a year apart-at around four or five years old. The third child was the youngest, and infant boy in a carriage. "Mummy, can we look at the ballerina?" one of the girls asked.
"Of course, dear," he mother replied, "Although I don't see why a ballerina would be in the zoo." She followed her daughters as she pushed the stroller along. "This doesn't look like a ballerina," she said.
"It has a plaque here, Mummy," the other daughter said, "Can you read it to us?"
"Yes, darling," She replied. She then cleared her throat and read the label aloud, "Hey, zoo visitors! This is that guy with scales who glows in the dark. You know, the pink tutu guy! The one with whiskers and big lips! I don't know what they call him, but our very own Dixon Bainbridge caught him in Black Lake! Isn't that something? He likes funky music too. Not Bainbridge the guy in this cage I mean. Oh, and unlike a lot of other animals at the zoo, he can TALK! And uh, that's really all I know about him. If you want to know more, just ask Bainbridge. I'm sure he knows something. Or you can visit the Zooniverse website, which, I uh, think I forgot the address to. Good luck finding it, because I sure can't. Love, Bob Fossil, the Guy Who Owns the Zoo. Well, that didn't help much..." the woman said, her voice trailing off.
"I guess we'll just have to figure out what he is by ourselves!" One of the girls said.
"Good idea," chimed the other. She then directed her prepubescent voice to Old Gregg, saying, "Hello, mister! What are you?"
"I'm Old Gregg," he replied.
"That's a wonderful name," she said with a smile, "But I didn't ask who you were, I asked what you were. Like my sister and I here are people. What are you?" Old Gregg shrugged his shoulders and drank more Bailey's.
"Our nanny tells us you shouldn't drink so much Bailey's so quickly," the other girl said, "You could get a bit tipsy very quickly with that stuff."
"Well," Old Gregg said, "I'm Old Gregg, and your nanny is a mothah-lickah."
"I beg your pardon!" one of the girls said, "Our nanny is a wonderful person!"
"Sure she is," Old Gregg said, sarcastically. He then drank more Bailey's and said, "I'm Old Gregg, mothah-lickah."
"Since you don't know what type of creature you are, I should give your type of creature a name," the other girl said.
"Whatever it is, don't let it be 'scaly man-fish,'" Gregg said. Of course, neither of the girls were paying very much attention to the beginning of what he said, and all they really heard was "scaly man-fish."
"That's brilliant!" One of the girls said, "Scaly man-fish! It's perfect!"
"From now on," said the other, "You will be known as Old Gregg the Scaly Man-Fish."
"Mummy!" said her sister, "Can we tell Mr. Fossil that Old Gregg is a scaly man-fish now? Can we put it on the plaque?"
"I don't know," the mother said, "You'll have to ask him about it."
Old Gregg's face flushed with rage. "What did you call me?" he slowly asked one of the girls.
"Scaly man-fish...?" she said.
"Say that again," he commanded.
This time, the two girls said in unison, "Scaly man-fish."
"That's what I thought you said," Old Gregg replied, vengefully. Before the girls knew it, they were tied to a giant rotisserie spit. Gregg turned the handle and stared at them, menacingly. Their horrified mother took action immediately. She burst into Fossil's office, grabbed him by the wrist, and dragged him outside to show him the commotion.
"Mr. Fossil! What is the meaning of this?!" she shouted irately.
Fossil stared, confusedly and replied, "Uh, I don't know."
"Of course you don't! You don't have control of the animals in this damn zoo, do you? You'll just let them muck around freely and get away with murder, you bloody Yankee! You need to use more safety-precautions, damn it!" She then untied her daughters within nearly a split second. They were thankfully, unscathed.
"Luckily, my little flowers here weren't too badly hurt, but now they are, however, emotionally traumatized! You should be ashamed of yourself!" she grabbed her daughters' hands and pushed her son's stroller ahead of her. She then turned her head towards Fossil, saying, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer," and she was off, probably never to set foot in the Zooniverse ever again.
Just then, Vince and Howard returned. "Hey! We're back!" Vince said cheerfully as he hoisted a bag of groceries up to his chest, then said, "We just saw some woman who was all puffy complaining about who the hell would just leave two little girls in danger like that. What's her beef?"
"I had to," Gregg said, "They called me a scaly man-fish. I'm Old Gregg! How could they say that?" Vince and Howard looked at each other, confusedly.
Fossil broke his silence, "I'm being sued. She's suing me," he said.
"Why?" Vince and Howard asked in unison.
"The pink tutu guy put her kids on a roasting stick thing that goes in circles," he said.
"You mean a spit?" Howard asked.
"I guess," Fossil answered.
"You mean to tell me that woman is suing you because you let Old Gregg tie her kids to a spit?" Vince questioned, and then he directed his frustration towards Old Gregg, saying, "I thought you said you were gonna be nice!"
"I was, but then they called me a scaly man-fish," Gregg explained. Vince and Howard shook their heads.
"I'm Old Gregg," Old Gregg said, breaking a brief awkward silence.
"We know!" Vince and Howard snapped.