Wooster's adventure.

I am not very fond of being without my man Jeeves. Nor would any of you of course should you have a man as dapper as my Jeeves. Oh listen to me referring to the man as mine, as if we were lovers or something of the sort. Not that we are of course. Not that I would be completely partial to the idea should it be suggested...

Oh I'm losing myself, what was I talking about? Ah yes, being without Jeeves. You see Jeeves had worked for over six months straight without a day off, and so naturally the man had grown sick of the sight of me (Who bally well hasn't?) and wished to take the day off. Perfectly acceptable of course, but I simply did not know what to do with myself that day!

Jeeves had, of course, left me a little list so I wouldn't be completely lost without him. But I wasn't sure how to 'fill the pan with water' I mean I'm not a simpleton, I know how to turn on the tap and all that malarkey, It's just what does fill mean? How full does a chap fill it? To the top seemed too high, but half way seemed too low... Oh dash it all why was I even bothering when I had the necessary funding to go eat breakfast at a nice Cafe of some sort?

On walking down the street I felt particularly chipper, well far chipper than I thought I would feel without good old Jeeves by my side in any case. To feel the wind running over ones face and the late morning sun beaming down on a chap is enough to make anyone feel all light and fluffy. Of course I stopped feeling so light and fluffy when I realised I'd left my wallet at home in my coat.

Not only that, I'd left my front door key in my coat. So, to lay down the facts to you plainly I was locked outside, without money to hire a cab, without food in my stomach and apart from my rather snazzy blue bowler hat without shelter. And Jeeves wasn't back until late.

So I decided to go to the Drones club to see if I could locate good old Bingo or someone else who owes me a favour.

But lady luck was not on my side it seemed. When I arrived on the scene I saw one of the worst sights a chap in my situation could see. A bally great sign on the door saying 'closed for refurbishment'. In those exact, blunt and jarring words. I slumped slightly and looked around the street for other lost looking members. And then it occurred to me there was probably a news letter sent out to us. Jeeves handled such matters. Come to think of it I'd left his little list in my coat too, he'd probably warned me from such an eventuality.

Dash it all! By this point the old Wooster tum was groaning away, and my head was a little flustered at my dashed awful luck today. I wasn't really sure where to go, I had no money to get a cab to anyone's home. I was about to give up and wait by my home for Jeeves when I heard a voice. Ah, good old Bingo
"What ho Bertie!" He called and I sigh slightly
"What Ho Bingo"
"What's the matter Bertie?" He asks, grinning like the ignorantly happy bastard he often is. Don't understand me incorrectly, He is my dearest friend. But...he can often grin at the most inappropriate times. The man didn't understand how it felt for a chap's life to be turned on its head in a matter of hours. I explained my situation.

"Well let's go do something fun then!" Bingo said, grinning again. I reluctantly agreed, after all no one knows 'fun' more than Bingo Little. "By the way Bertie..." He went on. "I have met the most amazing girl"

We walked along the road gaily, taking an odd side street or too and I half-listened to Bingo talk about his new love 'Francine'. I wondered how long this one would last. I made a mental note to ask Jeeves, he'd know. I'm fairly certain he knows everything. A marvel that man.
"Say Bertie, have you ever been here before." As I look at the building ahead I know instantly not only that I've never been there but it was the kind of place your mother warns you not to go. There was a woman standing outside in very scarce clothing for a start. The building was dirty and falling apart, with a large body guard (at least I assumed he was) in a comically small doorway.
"No Bingo. I don't intend to"
"But Bertie this is where she works!" Bingo half-pleaded me. I thought to myself WWJD? Good question brain, I said to myself, what would Jeeves do? Probably drag me away by my arm and scold me harshly for even considering it.
"Bingo if we go in there we bally well may not come out!" I yelped. Bingo sighed
"Bertie, don't you ever live your life?"
"I'd like a chance to do so Bingo" I half laugh and he rolls his eyes.
"It's not a dangerous..." Bingo trails off as a rather large man approaches us.

And the man has a knife.

"You two look rich" He says in a thick cockney accent. I gulp
"I'm really not. I mean...I am." I stammer "But none of its with me"
"Well how about I test that" He snarls. Bingo and I jump as he brandishes his knife.
"Bingo" I whisper at my paling friend. "If we make it out alive I will kill you"
"Fair enough" He whimpers, "Sorry Bertie"
"It's alright Bingo. It's just my life you've lost me" Bingo half laughs.

When I come to I am lying in the alley way with no clothes on. My stomach is bleeding, and my head hurts from where I fell but nothing seems too deadly. Except the rain, I was certain I was going to get pneumonia from this experience. I felt like crying, and it takes a lot to make a Wooster cry. Bingo was sitting beside me, rubbing his head too.
"Are you going to kill me Bertie?" He whispers, a slight laugh on the arses lips.
"Not today Bingo, but maybe tomorrow." Bingo is not stripped, but his clothes are torn and his wallet is missing.
"I'll go get a cab then" before I can ask him if I can hitch a ride he's gone. As he runs off I wonder how he will pay for the cab. Knowing Bingo he has no idea either.

As I stand up pain rockets through me. Must have damaged my back when I was knocked over. I somehow stagger home, using my brilliant blue hat to cover the Wooster appendage (Why didn't the guy take my hat? I was slightly offended to be honest). When I got home I was looking forward to nothing but a nice hot bath and Jeeves to bandage up my wounds. And, maybe if I begged long enough, he'd kiss it better. I know such thoughts are hardly 'proper' but to be perfectly honest I was so tired of being the moral one all the time. I wanted Jeeves, and when he got home I wanted nothing more but for him to talk to me, and to smile in that fond little way I like to think he saves for me.

Of course I had forgotten. I was locked out. And Jeeves wasn't due back for another hour.

Luckily my doorman let the old naked bod upstairs, and so I sat on my doorstep, out of the rain which was a mercy in itself. I couldn't have been there longer than half an hour when Jeeves arrived home early. His senses must have been tingling.

"Mr Wooster?" He asks, his mouth falling slightly open at his employer crouching on the floor, holding a bright blue bowler hat over the Wooster package.
"Jeeves" I say, standing up and forgetting about the hat. We both watched it fall to the floor and I was greeted by the usual eyebrow raise from Jeeves.

Without another word my wonderful valet shrugs off his jacket and wraps it around me, unlocks the door and pushes me gently inside.
"I'll run you a warm bath sir, and then fetch my medical kit?" He finishes in a half question, as if I'd have some objection to my perfect evening.
"Thank you Jeeves" I sigh and then lean back into him. He stiffens and then smiles slightly, I can feel his face curl slightly against my head.
"I endeavour to please sir" He murmurs, hugging me gently before floating into the bathroom.

I sink into my sofa and take in the sound of rushing water and the perfectly familiar smell of my beloved valet.