|The Little Hen Party
Author: worrywart PM
TycheSong's bevy of September prompts from The Maple Bookshelf inspired this bit of silliness. Severus arrives home to find his house not quite in the same shape he left it. A cast of 14 hungover individuals will tell the tale of the chaos that ensued.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Severus S. & Hermione G. - Words: 2,925 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 1 - Published: 09-14-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8525180
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is in response to TycheSong's September prompt. I had to use the following words in my story: Bizarre, Party, Clean, Cover, Fire, Hole, Parasol, Tall, Started, Sneak
Severus approached his home early Sunday morning, glad to be home after a five-day conference at New York's magical branch of the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. The house was quiet, but as it was only eight in the morning, he didn't expect Hermione to be up yet. He was looking forward to seeing his witch and visions of sliding into bed next to her warm body hurried him along the walk to the front door.
Taking the wards down and opening the door, he was perplexed to find something blocking it. He gave a hearty shove and stepped into the room, looking down to see what blocked the door.
A body—a woman's body—was curled up with a blanket cradled to her chest. Severus peered closer. "What in the name of Merlin?" he mumbled. Why was Nymphadora Tonks lying in his doorway? He looked up and his jaw dropped. The sitting room was in chaos.
Books were scattered on the floor; plates, cups, and food lay everywhere. Are those men's boxers on the lamp? They had better not be mine, he thought. Oh, good. Not black, not mi-wait! Not mine? He peered at the dining room table that stood in the corner of the room. Were those scorch marks? Surely Hermione wouldn't brew anything up here; she knew that he absolutely forbid any brewing anywhere other than the lab in the basement. He continued to let his eyes take in the site before him.
On the couch lay two women, both redheads. A pair of dark haired twins took up the two slouchy armchairs that Hermione insisted he buy when she moved in. Two blondes, whom he recognized as the airy fairy-headed Luna Lovegood and the other as Weasley's tart, Lavender Brown, were jammed together on the settee. Was that Susan Bones lying on the floor by the fireplace?
He didn't get much farther when the door to the stairs opened, and a site he hadn't seen since he accidentally walked in on her in the bathroom at Grimmauld Place the summer before sixth year, greeted him. Hermione stood there in her white nightgown, hair sticking straight up as though a pair of squirrels had hunkered down for the winter, her eyes bloodshot, and a piece of parchment stuck to the side of her face.
She cringed as the sunlight from the open doorway flooded into the room. Putting a hand up to shade her eyes, she gasped as she recognized the tall, lanky, sexy form of her husband. "Severus!" she squeaked. "What are you doing home?" Her breath made the parchment sticking to her face flap, so she batted at it in an attempt to make it fall from her cheek. Her attempts were not in the least effective, and so she had to peel it off, wincing as she did.
"The conference ended last night, and I was to return today, remember? Hermione," he moved further into the sitting room, the door still open, "what in the name of Morgana happened here?"
"Um." Hermione shifted on her feet. "I need a hangover potion."
"No, you need to tell me that the hell happened!" He closed the door with a slam, startling several of the women draped inelegantly around his sitting room. He took Hermione by the arm and steered her to a couch, using his foot to prod one of the redheads out of the way. With a snort, one of them woke up.
The not so pretty early morning visage of Molly Weasley greeted Severus with a start. "Oh, Severus," she gulped, "so sorry. I'll just be running along." She stood, albeit wobbly, as she did so. "Must get Arthur's breakfast. "
"You stay right there, Molly," Severus commanded, as he shoved Hermione onto the couch. With his wand, he summarily shot stunning hexes at the other ladies, all of whom leapt up and began to stumble about the place, knocking even more things to the floor. "All of you…SIT DOWN NOW!" Severus yelled. As one, they all sat, except for Tonks, who merely rolled her body toward the couch and lay quietly.
The door to the stairs creaked open again and more bodies appeared. Severus was shocked to see the frowsy figure of Minerva, the slightly put together Narcissa, the dumpy looking Sprout, and the half-dressed Hooch. Most surprising of all was the appearance of Harry, dressed only in a pair of lurid red boxes with a diagonal print on them.
"Hermione," Harry said through a yawn, "what's all the noise?"
Severus stared, mouth agape, just as the little group stared, mouths agape back at him. He turned to his wife, and with his most professor-ish voice demanded, "Hermione Snape, you had better tell me what the hell happened, and why there are fourteen hung-over people in my house!" He conjured up another couch, and the remaining group of women and Harry sat in them, all facing Snape as though they were seventh years caught out of bounds after curfew.
Hermione cleared her throat twice before finally squeaking to a start. "Well, um, as you know, sir-" Severus' eyebrow shot up. "Ginny is engaged to Draco. They are to get married next week. Lovely ceremony it will be, all creams and peach colours, lace, and you know-"
"HERMIONE!" Severus shouted, and all fourteen bodies in front of him groaned and grabbed their heads.
"Severus, please don't shout. Can't we have some hangover potions?" Hermione pleaded quietly.
"No, not until we-TONKS! Get back here!" Severus flicked his wand at the door, warding it so no one could leave. "Thought you'd try to sneak out, eh?" Tonks stuck her tongue out at Severus and squeezed onto a couch between the Patils. "Continue." He waved his hand at Hermione.
"Well, didn't I tell you we were having Ginny's hen party here while you were gone?"
"You most certainly did not." He crossed his arms over his chest, looming over the muzzy-headed little group.
Hermione looked around at the other ladies and one gentleman. "I was sure we had." The other nodded dumbly in agreement.
"No, and you will certainly answer for that later, my dear. Go on."
"Well, it started out rather quietly actually. We were just having some music, drinks, and nibbles. A few party games; that sort of thing, you know?"
"Oh yes. I am just a font of knowledge about parties, having thrown so many in my life," Severus sneered sarcastically. Narcissa tittered behind her hand at the thought. Severus glared at her and continued, "Why is Harry here if this was a hen party? I assumed that a hen party was a purely female thing."
"Well…..um after all, he and Ginny were a couple-" Ginny and Harry visibly shuddered, "-but when Harry realized he was gay, they became good friends, just like Harry and I are friends. When I was doing the invites to the party, I knew Ginny would want Harry here, and so I invited him."
"Okay, I find that almost plausible, but what I find bizarre is the fact that these women," he pointed at the decidedly middle aged and very much older females from Hogwarts, "are here."
"Severus, Ginny teaches at Hogwarts! Of course she'd want her friends here!" All the women shook their heads in agreement.
"Be that as it may…just how," he waved his hands at the general chaos around him, "did the house get like this?"
"Well, I believe I'll let Madam Hooch explain that." Hermione sat back smugly.
The witch in question glared at Hermione. She knew Hermione never quite forgave Severus for having a brief fling with her during his first year of teaching. Damnit, Hermione had only been one year old at the time, what did it matter? Although they held a tacit truce because of Ginny, and even though Hermione and Severus were married, for Merlin's sake, Hermione still was a little insecure about the situation.
Hooch turned to Severus, "That is easy to explain. I had attended a Muggle hen party once for my cousin twice removed, and she had strippers." Hooch winked leeringly at Severus just to get Hermione goat. Hermione's made a exasperated noise of disgust, but turned her attention back to her husband as he spluttered in response.
"Strippers? You had women in here stripping for you? I thought you said Potter was gay?"
"Severus," Minerva interrupted as the other woman snickered; they couldn't wait for Severus' reaction. "We had male strippers! What did they call themselves again?" She looked to Hooch for the answer, but Narcissa came to the rescue first.
"They called themselves," and Narcissa had to stop to compose herself before she got the rest of the sentence out. "Good Clean Buns!" The women and Harry began to howl with laughter when Severus' face registered what he had been told. The look of disgust, revulsion, and incredulity made Harry want to grab a Pensieve and pull out the memory to watch it over and over.
Tonks took up the story, "They were all dressed as Muggle whatdoyoucallems…?"
"Constructions workers," provided Susan.
"Yeah, construction workers. Anyway, they came into the house with their music and began to dance. They had on those yellow hats-
"Safety hats," said Susan.
"And very short trousers-" continued Tonks.
"They're called shorts."
"And tool kits-" added Sprout.
Severus' head went back and forth as though he was watching a Muggle tennis match as he listened to the women tell the story.
"Somehow," Tonks laughed, "one of them began to dance with some Muggle sparklers. Wasn't that the one that liked you, Harry?"
Harry buried his face deeper into the cushion where he was sitting and made a rude finger gesture at Tonks.
The Patil twins began to babble, "Yeah, but that dark one liked you Tonks. Oh, Minerva, the tall one liked you." Suddenly the room filled with female chatter as they discussed which of the strippers liked which lady, muscles, how much clothing was coming off.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. It was as though he were in an aviary filled with tiny little nestlings, all twittering for food. "STOP!" Severus yelled. The little group ceased their chatter immediately. "Hermione, Please….how did the table get burnt."
Lavender unhelpfully said, "That started when Luna and one of the strippers were lap dancing on the table."
Severus whipped his head back at Hermione. "Someone was having sex on the table where I eat my food?"
"Why not, we-" Severus quickly cast a Silencio on his wife before she embarrassed them both.
"Enough! How. Did. The. Table. Get. Burnt?"
Ginny spoke up, "Well Luna's magic got a bit worked up, and her wand activated from the excitement. It shot sparks out and along with the Muggle sparklers the man had, they set the table on fire."
Hermione took up the story again, "When we saw the flames, I grabbed a goblet of what I thought was water and threw it on the fire. It turned out to be wine."
"Which made the flames grow, of course," said Sprout. "I tried to cover the flames with that blanket there."
Severus looked at the blanket on the floor; it had been the one Tonks had cradled to her.
Harry had moved his face out of the cushions by now and finished the story, "I helped Sprouty there beat out the flames with anything I could grab, including the parasol that came as part of one of Ginny's presents."
"I gave her that, said Luna, proudly. "It came with a set of lingerie that was supposed to keep the flomangles away to ensure fertility. I don't know what they'll do about babies now," she finished sadly.
"Luna," said Parvarti, "she's a Weasley, they've got the fertility thing taken care of."
"Okay," said Severus. "That explains everything but this." He strode to the wall and pointed to a rather large hole in it.
"Oh, that," Hermione said. "Well, let's leave that for another time, shall we? Ladies, Harry, it was a great evening, but I think you should probably all head home now."
There was an alacrity of agreement and spells zoomed around as they transfigured their clothes into more presentable garments. Hermione began to cast spells to clean up the mess when a large hand snatched her wand from her.
"The others may leave, but you, Madam, will explain to me how this hole in my wall appeared!"
Not wanting to be in the line of fire, pops of Apparition sounded as the twelve party attendees left with quick "Bye, Hermione, lovely party, see you next week's!"
"So," said Hermione, "I'll just pop upstairs, have a quick bath and then get this mess cleaned up." She tried to dodge around her husband, but he countered her movements.
"Hermione….how did the hole get in my wall?" he asked in his most silky bedroom tone, the one that caused Hermione to instantly become moist.
She stopped her attempts to get around him and bit her lip, looking up at him. Damnit, she thought. Why does he have to do that? He looks so fucking sexy when he talks like that.
Severus placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer. He bent his head and placed a slow kiss on her neck, just below her ear and then nipped her lobe before whispering, "What happened, love? Why don't you tell me, hmmm?" He moved to kiss the one point on her neck that he knew would make her a puddle of babbling goo in an instant. He sucked hard when he reached the spot.
Hermione arched her body toward him, "Oh, God, Severus! If I tell you, will you continue this?"
He chuckled darkly, "Perhaps, witch, perhaps."
"Okay…Harry and one of the strippers were getting along rather well. Too well, in fact. As the other strippers—Oh gods, Severus if you don't stop that I'm gonna come—were entertaining the ladies, they were in the corner dry humping or something, I don't know; I was too afraid to look given the amount of noise they were making."
Severus stopped his assault on her neck and stared incredulously at her as she cotinued. "The guy Harry was humping accidentally stepped on Crookshanks' tail. He had been hiding among the drapes at the window right next to where they humping. Crooks did not take too kindly to being stepped on and leapt on the man's face. The man was so surprised and as he tried to get Crookie off, he began to stumble around the room, knocking books and decorations everywhere. Harry tried to magic Crooks off, but he was drunk and mispronounced the spell, launching the guy into the wall. Minerva and I had to Obliviate the whole bunch of them and make them leave."
Hermione stood back and looked at Severus, waiting for his reaction. His stared blankly at her for a moment and then blinked slowly. She was unsure how she should interpret his quietness.
"Let me get this straight. You had a party, which you contend you told me you were having, and had thirteen magical people in my house. Muggle men came in here to perform a striptease, someone had sex on my table and someone else attempted to have sex against the wall there." He pointed in the general direction of the hole. "A fire started at which a goblet of wine was thrown and then a blanket and parasol were used in an attempt to put it out."
"Don't forget that one of the strippers was after Minerva."
"Believe me, I want to forget that." He flicked his wrist, and the wall repaired itself.
Hermione, indignant that he made such a fuss only to magically repair it, growled and tried to slip out of his arms.
"Oh, no, little witchling," Severus said smoothly, snatching at her shoulders to pull her to him. "We need to discuss one more thing; you indeed did not tell me about your little soiree here."
"I did so!"
"No, you did not. Don't you think that I would remember you inviting Potter to my house let alone to a hen party?"
Hermione bit her lip and looked into her husband's eyes. "I am sorry Severus. I really thought I had told you about the party."
"Very well, you're forgiven, but you must be punished," he chuckled darkly.
Hermione's eyes lit up; some of Severus' punishments when she was 'naughty' were quite pleasurable.
"Yes, sir," she whispered, hoping that the use of 'sir' would stir his blood.
Oh, it did, and Severus inhaled sharply through his nose. "All this talk of strippers has me thinking…" He pulled Hermione to the center of their sitting room and flicking his wand, removed all the nearby furniture save one squashy armchair, which he transfigured to be armless. With another twist of his wrist, he turned on the Muggle CD player. The sexy strains of Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On" poured from the speakers throughout the room. Sitting in the transfigured armchair, Severus stretched his long lanky legs out. "I believe I would like YOU to strip for ME." He waved his hands at Hermione, dressing her in an appropriate costume-trench coat, felt fedora, and impossibly high stilettos. "Begin."
And begin she did.
A/N I have day dreams about stripping in front of Severus. Just sayin'.