Author: mockingjaylover98 PM
'I've loved you for a long time, Peeta! I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it. I was stupid, and immature! I lost my sister and my whole family and I can't lose you, too' Post-Mockingjay how Katniss & Peeta pick up the pieces and start over.Rated: Fiction T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Katniss E. & Peeta M. - Chapters: 29 - Words: 81,334 - Reviews: 211 - Favs: 108 - Follows: 102 - Updated: 11-19-12 - Published: 09-15-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8527470
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
She feels lost in her own life,
tredding water just to keep from slipping under.
And she wonders if shes where she's s'posed to be.
Tired of trying to do it right.
Her dreams are just too far away to see,
how steps shes making,
might be taking her to who she'll be.
Superchic(k) - Suddenly
He comes by every night. He doesn't knock, just stops by my house and stands there for a minute or two, like he's considering what he should do. But he always leaves before I get up enough courage to go to him. But let's face it, that's not going to happen.
I feel like I died with Prim, and the rest of me is just floating along, carried only by the wind. She was the only one I truly loved, and she's dead. And if I let Peeta in, I might lose him, too.
He only comes over for breakfast with Greasy Sae, and he tries to talk to me, but I've been really good at shutting people out lately. It's never anything personal, just the natural, "Hey, good morning." nothing physical, and I miss his arms. The nightmares have only gotten worse. And when I wake up screaming, the only thing I find is Buttercup's eyes boring a hole into me.
We are all hurting, though. I swear I hear everyone once and while Peeta scream in anger, all the way across the yard.
Haymitch, is still a drunk as a skunk. But he's still watching out for us.
I haven't even conspired going into the woods. I usually just sit by the fire, wrapping myself in blankets, searching for some kind of comfort, a break from reality. I just don't know how to get there.
Greasy Sae's constantly telling me to talk to Peeta. But I just don't know how. I need him so much, but I don't know how to remotely even speak to him. What if he has a flashback, and tries to kill me?
I just want to go away, disappear. Have the freedom of a mockingjay and fly away.
But until then, I'm here. Sitting by the fireplace, wondering if I should even try to live anymore. But when I get those thoughts, I pull out his pearl; I always have it in my pocket. Remembering that one reassuring word. "Always" he said that to me when I twisted my ankle, and he carried me to bed. The faint scent of cinnamon and dill comes back to my remembrance.
A knock at the door snaps me back to reality.
"It's Sae." right, breakfast. I unwrap myself out of my blankets and meet the cold air. My hand finds the knob and opens the door, snowflakes carried in by the wind.
"Hey, Sae." I say, returning to the couch. Peeta walks in behind Sae, like always.
"morning," he says casually. The tone of his voice is so cold, it sends shivers down my spine.
"Good morning," I say. His eyes meet mine for just a second, then flit away.
Breakfast is spent in silence, Sae giving me glances that I know say, "You're so stubborn, girl."
And I am stubborn, but I just don't know what to do or say. I just want to disappear. I'm so sick of this wretched world. My hand slides in my pocket and rubs the surface of the pearl.
"Always" I tell myself. This keeps me sane, for a while.
I find myself at the fireplace again, staring out the window, at his house. And I stop myself, I get dressed and stomp out the door, I need the woods. Maybe I can cry myself out there.
I stand on the porch for just a moment, somehow hoping I can send a thought to Peeta. That I'm sorry we lost our families, I'm sorry we're broken and unfixable. I'm more sorry that we can't even look at each other.
I start facing the cruel wind and find myself at the fence. The gap I always go through is still there. The fences isn't on, but it reminds me of the past. I shut my thoughts out and trek onto the path I always took, familiar only to my feet. Maybe Gale knew this way, but it doesn't matter anymore. Gale's gone, too.
I don't go very deep into the woods. And I can't bring myself to kill anymore. Even it is an animal. I just sit by a trunk of tree, wondering if it's okay to go on. I mean really go on, live, somehow. Or if it's selfish. But my head starts to hurt and I head back home. Home. That's an irrelevant name for it. My home is burnt to the ground. Along with the old Katniss.
I force myself to a halt, when I see the note taped to the door that reads,
"Hope you're okay.
It's his handwriting. He's still trying to protect me. I stuff the note into my pocket and catch myself staring at his house, wondering, more like hoping, he'll come break me out of this shell I've become. Because there's no one else that can. The only strength I mustered up to go to the woods for the first time since the Quell and the rebellion, came from the pearl he gave me. It gave me some ounce of hope, that maybe we're not all doomed. I'm just to much of a coward to admit it.
But I feel like I'm still in the arena. Fighting the demons that attack me. And I can't do it without him. I can't sleep, I haven't for days. So, I force myself to write it down, maybe put it on his door. But I'm terrible with words, so I just write what I know he'll understand.
I wait until it's late and I know he'll be either asleep or painting. I stick it between the door and the doorframe. His lights are still on, casting shadows on the wooden planks on the porch. I stop myself from knocking. I just stand there, hoping he'll just burst through the door and take me in his arms. But, I stop those childish thoughts and start walking away. But my ears pick up the loudest crash. I stop and walk back up the steps, ever so slowly placing my hand on the door knob. It creaks when I open it, and the room is empty. I close the door and years of hunting have taught me to step quietly wherever I go. I pick up the note that dropped when I opened the door and put it on his kitchen table. He'll find it.
I don't investigate the crash, if it's Peeta's doing, he can fight the demons just like I've been. I don't think it would be good for him to see me if he's having a flashback. So I walk back to my house, turning around right before I reach the stairs, whispering to myself, "Always"
Tomorrow's a new day. And I'll face the nightmares on my own, just like he is.
A/N: Yayy! I really like how this is going! I hope to see some reviews! I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! Thank you! :D Love you all! Also, I encourage you to listen to the songs I put on each chapter. It will help you understand each chapter better, since each song I choose, will go along with the chapter. It will help you understand the emotions in that chapter. Thank you! 3