|Summary of Insanity
Author: Ikasury PM
Cats are agile, tricky and quick creatures. They make excellent targets when training Ninja Skills. Dogs happen to like chasing cats too... so what happens when a certain Ninja-Captain and a Dog-Captain cross paths during this awkward pass time? Crack-Speculations on what could spark Komamura to chase SoiFong... and the Insanity it could cause...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - S. Komamura & Suì-Fēng - Words: 2,585 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 1 - Published: 09-18-12 - Status: Complete - id: 8537568
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: this is what happens when i read a whole bunch of '20 facts you never knew about such and such' fics and can't keep my mind on track to leave it to JUST 20 things... XD plus looking through all my 'half'-shots of unposted Koma/Soi fluffy shenanigans...
Dis: i'm just boring these peeps here...
Summary of insanity…
Cats are agile, tricky and quick creatures able to hide in plain sight and disappear without a trace into seemingly small and impossible areas. This makes them perfect targets for anyone wanting to perfect their tracking, stealth and capture abilities.
Ever since she was a little konoichi, Captain SoiFong has chased cats as a means of training.
She vehemently denies it if anyone were to suspect, claiming she thought that cat was Yoruichi-sama and therefore just trying to catch her master and kick her ass… among other things.
Komamura Saijin is a giant, humanoid-dog. He chases cats as part of his nature.
When he ran into SoiFong chasing cats one day his tail went a mile a minute and he called her a 'Fine Bitch'.
Not realizing that to a dog this is a compliment, Captain SoiFong immediately pulled out Jakuhou Raikoban and proceeded to decimate the East side District 38 of Rukongai. It's still being repaired.
After recovering from a 'sudden hollow attack' in the 4th Squad hospital, Komamura went out to find the 2nd squad captain and apologize. East side District 39 is still under repairs.
After recovering AGAIN from a 'sudden hollow attack' and assuring Unohana he'd not go looking for trouble, Komamura went chasing after Captain SoiFong and found her chasing cats again.
Komamura's new pass-time became 'Chasing Captain SoiFong' while she was chasing cats. After several more districts were destroyed he realized he may have to exercise his formidable stealth abilities when preforming this new task.
It took Captain SoiFong three months to realize she had a giant humanoid dog on her trail while she was chasing cats. Surprisingly East side District 42 survived.
After realizing this was just another task to chalk up to her 'training', Captain SoiFong stopped whipping out Jakuhou Raikoban every time she realized Komaura was following her. Now she just tries to lose him since they started running out of districts on the East side.
This 'new' version of chasing cats, involving trying to simultaneously 'stay AWAY' from Komamura turned into her new favored pass time, since she learned rather quickly just how hard it was to get a dog off your trail.
There was an incident where all the cats of all the previously destroyed districts ganged up on the two while they were too engrossed in chasing each other. This resulted in a flood of angry felines swarming East side District 47 and is referred to by the inhabitants as the 'March of the Cats'.
When asked, Captains SoiFong and Komamura adamantly refused they had anything to do with the incident.
SoiFong's new pass time became chasing Komamura out of her squad barracks. It's been blown up twice.
Komamura has yet to realize sneaking into a compound full of ninja is a bad thing, probably because he's only been caught by their captain.
The East side Districts are being rebuild and the cats avidly attack anyone wearing a white coat, no exceptions.
When asked again, SoiFong and Komamura avidly deny any involvement.
Now having free time on her hands, SoiFong is extremely bored, this is a 'bad thing' since she starts 'hunting' people instead.
Komamura finds out that SoiFong does, in fact, have 'relations' with other people, they just conveniently die not long afterwards. He assumes its because she assigns them suicide missions because they were a bad lay. He's yet to figure out it's because she's that freakin' scary and they'd rather die than dishonor her or attempt a second date. Also her ninja may have something to do with it.
When Komamura confronts her with his 'discovery', by shouting loudly 'DON'T TRY TO HIDE YOUR DESIRE, USE ME INSTEAD!' they're in the middle of Seireitei's busy market. Everything goes eerily quiet as several prominent members of the Gotei 13 happen to be shopping at that very moment. To save face, SoiFong just walks away.
7th squad barracks 'mysteriously' explodes later that evening and Komamura finds himself AGAIN in the company of Captain Unohana and the 4th squad.
Once out of the hospital, Komamura tries 'apologizing', unfortunately this also takes place in a highly public area and he shouts something along the lines of how much he enjoyed their shared passion of chasing cats and he'd be more than willing to stud for her.
By some strange act of Kami, 12th division's Institute of Technology blows up later that evening. People are still wondering about that, though it may be because it's next to 7th squad barracks and that's still under reconstruction.
The next day both 2nd squad Captain and 7th squad Captain are dragged in front of Yamamato where he informs them he has eyewitness reports of 'some body' confessing to having some involvement with the whole 'March of the Cats' incident.
Both Captains still adamantly refuse any involvement.
Later that evening it's reported that Captain SoiFong went training in some woods outside Seireitei. Komamura followed her. No explosions have been reported so far.
Yoruichi claims to have born witness to what happened, but when asked all she does is grin in a manner that would put the Cheshire cat to shame.
Thanks to the combined powers of Matsumoto, Yumichika and Yoruichi, by morning all of Seireitei knows something happened.
Iba drank himself into a coma later that day.
Oomeada ran away and hasn't been heard of since.
4th squad has a sudden influx of 'gossip-induced' injuries; Unohana just smiles her normal (scary) smile.
SoiFong returns to find half of Seireitei gone crazy while the other half won't stop staring at her. Several buildings of note blow up for 'mysterious reasons' while the Captain of 2nd squad heads back to her division for some 'tea'.
Komamura returns some time later, limping, to see havoc has been wrought. He heads over to 2nd squad for some 'tea'.
A month later Seireitei knows something is up when out of nowhere SoiFong unleashes her bankai and blows up the newly build 7th squad barracks and there aren't anymore 'mysterious deaths' that Mayuri can't account for.
Komamura wakes up in 4th squad with Captain Unohana handing him SoiFong's latest physical, since she feels he deserves to know.
The next day 2nd squad is hard pressed to explain the sudden appearance of various animal carcasses that look like they've been mauled by some large 'bear' at their Captain's doorstep.
After one look at the 'presents' Captain SoiFong rushes away and throws up out her office window. Her squad is still trying to explain that one.
Sometime later the Konoichi-Captain makes an impromptu trip to the living world.
That night, the howling starts.
In the real world Kurosaki Ichigo and Kuchiki Rukia nearly have a heart attack when they stop by Urahara's shop and find the 'scary' captain of second squad holding what looks like a small collar in her hands and glowering at it while Yoruichi won't stop grinning.
It gets even creepier when Orihime shows up.
And somehow worse when Ishida does.
Urahara intelligently stayed 'downstairs' for most of the Konichi's abrupt visit. Mood swings can be a bitch, and she already had it out for him, no need to tempt fate by simply breathing in SoiFong's presence.
Chad, Rukia and Ichigo decide to follow Urahara's example, if only for their sanity.
The moment SoiFong steps back into Seireitei she's scooped up off her feet and nuzzled relentlessly by red fur.
The guards on duty at the time never speak of what they saw for fear of their lives.
All of Seireitei knows the moment she's back because Komamura finally stops howling all night at her absence.
When asked by the Captain-Commander what the hell is going on, neither Captain bothers to comment.
Realizing the two of them won't say a word, even to him, Yamamato turns to Unohana, only to get that smile. He stops asking questions.
Seireitei starts to suspect something is up when SoiFong stops randomly blowing buildings up for 'unknown reasons'.
Mayuri discreetly manages to get a blood sample from the Konoichi-Captain, since he's not entirely convinced she hasn't been replaced by an evil doll-lookalike. What he discovers under the microscope scares him.
Unohana somehow knows he knows, and that scares him even more.
There is no verbal agreement, but Mayuri knows that if he so much as quirks an eyebrow wrong he'll have the wrath of a very creative Medical Expert on his hands. He wisely keeps his discovery to himself.
At one point Kenpachi is bored and challenges SoiFong to a spar. He gets beaten within an inch of his afterlife by Komamura.
Unohana just shakes her head when he wakes up in her hospital and he immediately asks where the dog-captain is, since he wants a rematch.
The next day Kenpachi is forcibly held unconscious in the 4th squad hospital with even more injuries then before… not to mention enough butterfly tattoos that it's surprising he's not dead.
Shunsui makes a comment that SoiFong looks like she's gained weight. 8th squad barracks was promptly smashed by Kokujou Tengenmyou-ou.
When brought before the captain-commander, AGAIN, and asked what happened, Komamura simply says Captain Kyouraku insulted his bitch. Everyone present expects SoiFong to flip out and blow something up, she merely shrugs.
Kuchiki Byakuya is probably the first person to notice that SoiFong has been crossing her arms over her stomach more often. He's wise enough to keep this observation to himself.
At an SWA meeting Matsumoto offers SoiFong sake. The konoichi merely stares at her cup longingly before passing it to Unohana.
It is at that point the entire SWA knows, except maybe Yachiru.
When Unohana passes the cup to Isane everything goes eerily quiet.
Matsumoto promptly faints. Nanao's jaw is hanging somewhere near the ground. Nemu blinks. Rukia stares. Momo stares. And Kiyone points accusingly at her sister that she damn-well better drink that cup!
Before further inquiries, Isane knocks back the sake and decides to pass out from information overload.
Byakuya walks in on a rather hilarious scene.
Yachiru still doesn't get it.
Suffice it to say, after various death-threats, SoiFong avoids the SWA meetings for the time being.
For the last few months of the 'ordeal' nobody seems to notice SoiFong is back to her 'usual' self, or that her zanpakuto is missing.
Suzumebachi enjoys this time running around as her wielder, resulting in more than one instance of Captain SoiFong walking around in something 'not' her normal uniform.
All eyewitnesses refuse to comment.
None of the captains in-the-know bother to comment about SoiFong's new attitude or that Komamura is less 'touchy' around the woman. Then again he seems to be a lot quieter as of late.
It's when 'SoiFong' starts sitting on 'Komamura's' shoulder while they walk around Seireitei that people start to suspect there may be something wrong with the two.
Seireitei definitely knows something's up when out of nowhere Rukongai starts throwing out fireworks on a nightly basis.
Apparently Yoruichi and Kuukaku decided drinking in 'celebration' of becoming aunts and fireworks was a good idea. This stops when a 'misplaced firework' blows up Yoruichi's favorite cat-food factory.
Sometime later Komamura and SoiFong seem to be back to their 'normal' angsty selves. A puppy in tow.
When brought in front of Yamamato, A-FREAKIN-GAIN!, both captains deny having any involvement with the 'March of the Cats' incident, the 'mysterious explosions' around Rukongai and Seireitei, the suspension of the SWA meetings, the rumors of Suzumebachi and Tengenmyou having replaced them, and the rumors that they were off having a love-child.
The Captain-Commander blatantly smacks his hand to his face and tells them to 'get the hell out'.
As they're leaving, Komamura's 'new puppy' Goro promptly glomps SoiFong and she hugs the adorable shiba-inu while Komamura looks on affectionately.
Yamamato tries to wipe the idea from his brain.
No one says anything when 'Komamura's dog' seems to spend more time around SoiFong then his supposed owner.
A shinigami tried kicking Goro once, he promptly lost his leg courtesy of SoiFong.
A shinigami yelled at Goro once, he was promptly uppercutted across Seireitei courtesy of Komamura.
Mayuri attempted to retrieve a blood sample from the puppy to test his suspicions and quickly found the Captains of 2nd and 7th squad behind him, swords drawn and reitsu flaring. He didn't try again.
For some reason when Goro is hurt which ever Captain he's following around takes him to Unohana. People stopped asking after the first time.
A shinigami insulted SoiFong in front of Goro once, he's currently nursing a broken ankle.
A shinigami insulted Komamura in front of Goro once, he's currently nursing a broken wrist.
Everyone in Seireitei knew when Goro was teething, since various shinigami would wake up and find various objects of furniture, clothing and personal possessions chewed through with no culprit in sight, except the 2nd and 7th squad captains.
Yamamato was pinching the bridge of his nose when Komamura and SoiFong were standing in front of him, AGAIN!, only this time with 'their' puppy sitting between them. At this point he didn't bother asking questions and told them to get out and stop their puppy from chewing everything up. Ryujin Jakka was NOT a chew toy!
People still can't explain how the puppy got in and out without anyone noticing. SoiFong and Komamura offered no comment.
Yoruichi started sending chewy squeaky toys every month, it drove SoiFong nuts because not only was Goro chewing on them, Komamura was as well.
After an incident with one too many squeaks and various explosions later, squeaky chew toys were banded from 2nd squad premises.
Mayuri now complains about the infernal squeaking at every captains meeting. His request to have them all removed and banned from Seireitei is being considered by the Central 46.
Yoruichi continued to send squeaky chew toys.
It was at this point it was decided it was time Goro started chasing cats…
A/N: what started as a summary of my ideas on how this could all start turned into utter crack... XD
Goro is a real character, its Komamura's pet dog... but hey, no one explained where he came from :3
if i ever get around to finishing my other 'half'-shots you'd notice A LOT of similarities, also with several of my posteds in 'HoneyFluff Jukebox', this one didn't involve music so i just threw it on its own, plus its crack and i'm thinking i might take down HFJ and just repost everything separately...
-stretches- i love me a meddlesome Unohana, if all else fails, she's the one that knows EVERYTHING! :D
comments, questions, and all that jazz~
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, mina!