|Cirno News Network
Author: Another Man PM
A horrible attempt at a weekly news report by Cirno (or rather, the shameless author) about the happenings in Gensokyo. Maybe this will put Bunbunmaru out of business? Caution: Fictional slandering detected, proceed with caution. SPECIAL ISSUE: CHECKERED-DRESS WITCH UNCOVERS A DARK HAKUREI TRUTH. EDIT 19/12, please check the bottom of the page.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Cirno & Rumia - Chapters: 12 - Words: 30,504 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 12-15-12 - Published: 10-02-12 - id: 8575642
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice. I, Another Man, is simply borrowing his creations for a fan-fiction. All information that lies therein are completely NOT related to any real world activities or people, all of the mentioned events in this fiction will NEVER, EVER happen.
Slanderous they may sound though…
CIRNO NEWS NETWORK WEEKLY
Issue Date: 3rd Day of the 10th Month
Undine smiles at a lawless month.
The gods have forsaken you this day.
Winter is coming,
and so is my rise in Gensokyo.
Shame on you, Suwako.
II. NEWS REPORTS
IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE
V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST
MORIYA SUWAKO ABANDONS FAITHFUL
Frog obsessed, childish and not-a-current-patron Earth Goddess of the Moriya Shrine had announced her intentions to go on leave, citing 'hibernation from the onset winter' as an excuse to disappear from her faithful followers.
"I have been serving the faithful for generations already," she was quoted saying at her farewell speech at the Moriya Shrine earlier today, much to the rage and curses from the crowd, to which she ignored. "I deserve a short break after countless decades of work. Besides, there's still Kanako and Sanae to attend to your needs."
Moriya Shrine is situated on Youkai Mountain itself, yet the followers it garnered were hardly youkai. In fact, these Outsiders crashed into Gensokyo not too long ago, and the current goddess demanded all upon the mountain to worship her. The incident was brought to the attention of the Youkai Number One Bully, Hakurei Reimu, who came and brought red-white justice to the aloof goddess.
Angry followers vent their frustrations, with one calling for a new goddess named Cirno to take over the current earth goddess. Others agreed and began chanting in unison. Slogans such as 'All hail Cirno the Strongest', 'Freeze the frogs' and 'Cirno for Goddess' were among the popular chants.
The whole of Gensokyo knows neither Yasaka Kanako, Goddess of the Wind and current patron goddess, nor Kochiya Sanae, Wind Priestess of the Moriya Shrine, were capable of keeping the curse gods, such as Mishaguji, in check, and yet the irresponsible earth goddess was demanding for a break. If she had ever thought to break off from her work, she shouldn't have committed herself in the first place.
As disgruntled followers started to file out of the poor excuse for a Moriya Shrine, our ace reporter, who was present at the scene, managed to gain a short interview with the useless goddess.
(A.N.: Interviews are not edited by the Editor)
Rumia: Ms Moriya, I'm Rumia, reporter for the CNN Weekly.
Suwako: Oh hello, Rumia, but what's CNN Weekly? And I thought Aya would be doing this…?
Rumia: Cirno News Network Weekly. We run a weekly publishing, as our name states so. I'm also surprised Aya hasn't shown up today.
Suwako: Cirno? I don't know if I should be giving this interview, she might just rewrite everything to slander me.
Rumia: I can assure you, I'm the one writing for this article, she wouldn't be able to influence this.
Suwako: So what is it that you wanted to ask?
Rumia: So you are claiming to be going on leave for the winter?
Suwako: I believe I said that so.
Rumia: Your faithful followers seemed to welcome this move.
Suwako: Even a goddess need a break. But as I had told my faithful, they are still welcome to look for me anytime, I wouldn't be going anywhere. Just that I wouldn't be officiating anything that the shrine is going to hold during winter.
Rumia: I didn't get what the crowd was chanting about earlier.
Suwako: That was just them praying once more for good weather and harvest for the next year.
Rumia: So even while on leave, you would continue to serve the faithful?
Suwako: Definitely! I can never truly desert them, can I?
Rumia: Our readers will sure to be pleased with your response! Thank you for the interview!
Suwako: Moriya Shrine will continue to serve the people, regardless of faith. Please extend my gratitude to your readers for their continued support.
II. NEWS REPORTS
BICYCLE STOLEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
A shiny new bicycle was reportedly stolen from its owner as she was feeding some cats at the local park in an attempt to get them under her control.
Chen, shikigami to another shikigami, Ran, was reported crying at the park upon discovering the loss of her new ride, which was supposedly belonging to her said master.
"I can't go home without that bicycle, or Ran's gonna shout into my ear again!" Chen was quoted to be saying as passer-bys tried to comfort her. What Chen was worried about was that Ran would shout 'CHEEEEEEEEEEEEN!' into her ear whenever she did something wrong. A search by passer-bys was conducted at the immediate vicinity, but the bicycle was nowhere to be found.
The bicycle was described to be purple and white in color, with a large honking horn between the two handlebars. Anyone who can find the bicycle and return it to Chen 'will be rewarded handsomely'.
SAIGYOUJI YUYUKO WINS EATING COMPETITION ONCE AGAIN, WALKS AWAY WITH GOLD TROPHY
The Ghostly Princess of the Netherworld and mistress of the Hakugyokurou mansion, was crowned champion at the annual Gensokyo Eating Competition, hosted just outside the Human Village.
With an eye-popping record timing of 14.36 seconds, recorded with precision by the timekeeper Izayoi Sakuya, Saigyouji managed to scoff down a whooping 50-pounder Corn and Beef Rice Burger, which was easily the size of a full-grown fairy. Coming in second was a Jiang Shi, Miyako Yoshika, with a timing of 5 minutes and 44.93 seconds. There was no second runner up as the rest of the competitors waved the white flag after less than halfway through their burgers.
Saigyouji has won in every annual competition held since the conception of the event.
COLOSSAL FIGURE SIGHTED AT NIGHT LINKED TO NEW BAR'S OPENING NOTICES?
Residents of the Human Village have reported sightings of a large silhouetted figure pulling at trees in the middle of the Forest of Magic in the wee hours of the night, then flinging them aside as if playing large blocks meant for young children. There has been no reports of injuries from the tossed trees.
There has been claims about notices suddenly appearing in the village as well, promising an alcohol bar to be opened soon in the same forest.
"It is as if that large monster was clearing out trees for the bar, if that monster was even trying to build one, that is," a female villager told our reporter, who had disguised as a human to enter the village for this report. At time of print, no information was given as to who the giant figure was, nor was there any other information about the mysterious bar that would open in the forest.
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At Gap Travels Agency, we promise the fastest travelling method in the whole of Gensokyo, so travel time will never be a factor in your planning anymore!
Interested? Find out more at our offices, headquartered at the Mayohiga!
Gap Travels Agency
"There is no need to factor time in your holidays!"
MYSTIA'S MIRACLE GRILLED LAMPREY
Eating fowl is foul, so why don't you try a new dish today?
Introducing you to my personal recipe, Grilled Lamprey! Crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, the flavor you have never imagined comes out with every bite!
If you are suffering from night blindness, my secret recipe will cure you instantly, a miracle no amount of carrots will ever be able to match! Drop by the Mystia's Food Cart today!
No other information from advertiser was given at time of print.
FIREWOOD AND BURNING SERVICES
Is starting a fire becoming a problem with lack of fire starting supplies for the upcoming winter? No problem! All you need is an express service from Fujiwara no Mokou!
From splintering firewood to igniting fires for an entire village, you can trust Mokou the Immortal! With centuries of experiences with the ignition industry, Mokou can start a fire on any wood, even if it is soaking wet with water!
I, Mokou, pledge to deliver 100% satisfaction guaranteed services to my customers for the best rates in Gensokyo!
Fujiwara no Mokou
5th Street, Human Village
First House on the Left
"You wooden be disappointed!"
IV. WEEKLY PUZZLE
AN EIENTEI CLINICAL TRIAL
Eirin has recently developed a new medicine for aiding in the cure for the common flu. Prescribing the medicine to a patient, she instructs the patient to take one dose every hour. If Eirin prescribed a total of 10 pills, how many hours does it take for the patient to complete the course?
V. WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST
3rd Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 20°C/12°C
Chance of rain: You wish you were Kogasa.
4th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 21°C/12°C
Chance of rain: Laundry doesn't get done by itself, you know?
5th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 21°C/14°C
Chance of rain: They always said "red skies in the night, Kanako's delight, red skies in the morning, Kanako's warning". I think there would be both.
6th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 23°C/16°C
Chance of rain: Why don't you ask Suwako, it's her day of the week anyway!
7th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 19°C/14°C
Chance of rain: In this Jiang Shi apocalypse I have read about, the storm causes hordes of Jiang Shi coming for you. In this case, I believe you will be able to see Miyako Yoshika coming for you on this day.
8th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 19°C/13°C
Chance of rain: I have always wondered how the Underground managed to stay dry when it's raining Chens and Momijis on the surface.
9th Day of the 10th Month
Temperature/ Dew Point: 22°C/17°C
Chance of rain: If you see a flash of bright light coming from the mansion across the lake, you can safely assume it isn't a bolt of lightning, but a beam of love.
Weather information and forecast brought to you by Cirno News Network, Metrology Dept. "We don't wonder whether it would rain on this day, we wonder weather it would rain or not."
Nobody died this week. If they did, they must still be in that dingy boat of Komachi's.
Weekly article brought to you by
Rumia (On-site Reporter)
Of the Cirno News Network
A.N.: This project is just in beta, hence the short length. I'm waiting to see if anybody actually has interests in stuff like this.
My current format starts off with headlines, which will (usually) be the largest segment of the weekly article, complete with an interview by Rumia, which would not be 'edited' by the editor. Otherwise, everything else risks a touch of Cirno.
Following it would be three smaller news reports, some weird advertisements, a random puzzle for readers to work their minds on, fake weather reports and a humor-intended obituary, which would include Shiki's judgement and the journey across the Sanzu Lake.
If you haven't noticed, the date format was based on the actual Japanese calendar. The small passage after the date describes October as Kannazuki, or Godless Month (I've read somewhere else it might be Month of the Gods instead), and that water symbolizes Wednesdays. Earth represents Saturdays, so a small reference to Suwako could be found on the weather report.
Names which sounds English will be written in First/Last name format, with Japanese or other Asian names going the opposite way.
Lastly, about the Jiang Shi part in the weather reports, it's a reference to the storm crescendo in Hard Rain of the Left 4 Dead 2 game, where the storm will cause a horde of zombies to rush and attack you due to the loud noise it generates.
Information within this article, even though it's all out of imaginary, may or may not be realistic/accurate. Do point these out to me if you spot something.