Author: Evatross PM
Oneshot. What happens when Firnen takes an overdose of indigestion plants? On top of that, he is with a crazy and bedraggled Saphira, and on top of THAT, they are both intoxicated! Read and hopefully have the greatest laugh of history!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Drama - Saphira & Fírnen - Words: 1,661 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Published: 10-07-12 - id: 8590629
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hey guys! I came across this idea as I was studying AP World History, taking notes on China. It was so random and hilarious, I had to write it down today.
NOTE: All characters in this story are drunk, not themselves, and maybe overdone. Also, consider that Oromis and Islanzadí are still alive.
I hope you enjoy it, and laugh your heads off!
The eve was cool,
The moon was bright
The wind was full,
Of twining light
The elves did sing,
Of ancient tales
The voices ring,
Upon the dales
Eragon twirled while he held Arya close to him. Finally, after a hundred years of relationship development, she had stated her love for him. She had done so only at the Agaetí Blödhren, the one that marked his 100th year as a hybrid elf. He constantly gazed into her eyes as they spun around and around, getting dizzy and even more disoriented. As if the Faelnirv had not been enough. They were surrounded by a large chunk of the elven population, all either spinning solo or with others.
Islanzadí was dancing around and around with a hale and healthy Oromis, whose curse had been lifted by Eragon as he reconstructed Oromis's body and excluded his ailment. He had also regrown Glaedr's leg to what it was before he had lost it. Glaedr had supplied the memories, and Eragon, the Eldunarí, Saphira, Fírnen, and Thorn all supplied the energy. Glaedr and Oromis had then proclaimed them the heads of the Dragon Rider order. This had happened over fifty years ago.
Now, Oromis was having the time of his life as he had become as hale as he had once been. After defeating Galbatorix, Eragon had gone and stripped Vroengard of its maladies and had discovered that the obscure tribes that lived there were in fact elves that had remained behind and invented spells to shield them from the disease. They had stayed to maintain the honor and glory of the riders. Now, Eragon and all the head riders had come to Ellesméra for the Agaetí Blödhren.
While Eragon and Arya, along with the rest of the elves and Murtagh, were busy dancing and hysterical on Faelnirv, Saphira and Fírnen had flown off with several large barrels of mulberry Faelnirv that Eragon was sure had made them overly tipsy. He was correct.
All of a sudden, they heard two roars of glee that could only mean Saphira and Fírnen had made a new discovery of sorts. Glaedr opened one eye, and then closed it again. He was resting at the edge of the city, instead of joining in the celebration.
ERAGON! Saphira roared in Eragon's mind. He was jolted from his reverie and opened his mind to Saphira, but immediately regretted it. He could not close off to her, though, as he was too intoxicated to think properly.
Yes, Saphira? He asked. He looked at Arya who looked towards the two descending shapes of blue and green. He saw a similar blank expression on her face and deduced she was conversing with Fírnen.
Fírnen and I made a fabulous discovery!
Well, what is it? Eragon asked with irritation.
Let us show you, came Fírnen's rumbling response.
All the elves fell dead quiet and formed a large semicircle around the Crags of Tel'naeir. Saphira and Fírnen alit upon the crag, and Fírnen poised himself facing the elves. Saphira turned herself and sat alongside him, albeit with her head next to his tail. She said,
Now, we came across something interesting as Fírnen ate lots of plats causing a very severe case of indigestion… he accidentally turned and snorted on his flatulence, and you can guess what happened then on.
All elves stopped dead and turned to face the dragons with mortified expressions. Some even fainted. The dragons continued on, though, leaning against each other for support, so as to not collapse.
Ok, gathered elves. I recommend you rush to the edge of the cliff now, all elves did so, and she continued on.
Now, allow us to demonstrate the marvelous feat we have accomplished. We discovered this, now, several hours ago, but only perfected it about an hour past. Fírnen has been wisely stocking up on his excess gas, and I on my fire, and now we shall give you the best show you'll ever see! Prepare for the best smelling, most incredible sight on the face of this planet! Saphira trumpeted then, but Fírnen just burped loudly.
Eragon slowly understood what Saphira was going to do. All traces of intoxication drained from him as he realized the idiocy of the act that the two beasts would perform.
"Saphira, DON'T EVEN-" he was cut off as suddenly, Fírnen released an immense bout of flatulence that sounded throughout the forest for, Eragon was sure, miles around. He looked at Arya, whose face bore a horrified expression, but also a note of relief as Fírnen released his pent up gases. At that instant, his nostrils picked up a scent that he would not forget till he died.
More than half of the assembled elves stumbled back and fainted, and those who did not watched in morbid fascination and twisted faces as Saphira released a steady jet of blue flame from her nostrils, aimed right in front of Fírnen's rear end, right below his raised tail. Arya gave a crazed cry and fell onto Eragon, breathing heavily as she glared at the sight before them. Eragon struggled to stay conscious, if only to apprehend the two dragons after they had finished. Islanzadí and Oromis both bore hard faces, wide eyes, and scrunched nostrils. In a moment, they both fainted.
When the flame connected with the large amount of flatulence, which was released none too quietly, it sparked and stuttered. A second later, a huge explosion split the night, and an acrid smell of burning farts followed the hideous smell of indigestion. The flames turned a sick shade of brown, and it reminded Eragon of what else came out of the rear ends of all creatures.
Fírnen began controlling the bursts of gas he released, forming intricate patterns of flowing brown fire that sickened all the elves present, and caused another half of the population that was awake to faint in disgust. Now a mere hundred or so elves stood, most swaying, while Glaedr's rumbling laughs reached the ears of everyone. Also, these changes in air pressure around the Fire of Flatulence caused the brown filth to shimmer and shape itself into several different, more hideous forms.
Presently, about seventy-five of the elves fainted, leaving a small crowd to line the crag's edge. After about fifteen minutes of this, Fírnen released his greatest surprise, which was a huge bout of flatulence, followed by the most disgusting smell released yet, and an even more disgusting one as the flames consumed the acrid fuel. The rest of the elves fainted, and only Eragon, Arya, and Glaedr remained standing. Glaedr collapsed and rolled around on the ground, almost crushing several elves while he was at it.
After what seemed like hours, the dragons finally ceased their disturbing efforts and turned to face the pair that was still standing. They both mock bowed at the same time, collapsing to the ground as they did so.
Eragon was not happy. Neither was Arya, and she showed it by turning a bright shade of red and clenching her fist around Eragon's hand too tightly, breaking several bones. She released, then, and whispered words of healing so that Eragon only felt a few seconds of pain. They turned and faced their dragons, whose sides rumbled with laughter and exhaustion. Fírnen shook for overworking his rear muscles overmuch, and Saphira shook for depleting her fire.
"FÍRNEN! HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE ME SO?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU OVERGROWN, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A DRAGON! WHAT WILL ALL THE ELVES THINK OF YOU? MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW WILL THEY REACT TO YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOCY, YOU-" Arya then indulged in much more colorful language, causing Eragon to blink in surprise, Saphira to fix on her with one large sapphire orb, and Fírnen to bow his head and turn a shade of red to compete with Arya's complexion. Eragon had never expected her to know so many curses. In a sick way, he was awed, amazed, and proud of his recently made mate. Following her example, he apprehended Saphira.
"WHAT WAS ON YOUR MIND, YOU MAD BLUE GECKO? LOOK AT ALL OF THIS! LOOK AT HOW MANY ELVES WILL WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, WITH HORRIBLE HEADACHES, ALONG WITH HORRIBLE MEMORIES AND STILL ACHING NOSES TO AMPLIFY THE PAIN? WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO THEN? YOU ARE ILL-FITTED TO BE CALLED A DRAGON, YOU IMPUDENT, STUPID, -" Eragon was cut short as Glaedr rumbled some more and shook the ground, causing him to sway and fall.
That may very well be the most hilarious thing I have ever seen a dragon do… I say it even surpasses the time I began to chase my tail, thinking it was a- he cut short, blinking in surprise as he realized what he was saying. Oromis's intoxication had rubbed off on him, after all.
After apprehending their dragons some more, Eragon and Arya bowed to Glaedr, evil-eyed (and crinkle-nosed) their dragons, and then left through the woods to their tree house. Arya dragged Eragon along and stomped her way through the trees, constantly muttering under her breath. Eragon only caught one phrase.
That one phrase was enough to make him blink in surprise and shock, followed by hysterical amusement as he trudged along with his mate.
Arya had muttered something Eragon had never thought to hear from her.
Well, hope it was enjoyable and made you fall into hysterics!
Rate and review, and please tell me how it was!