|Holding On to What Matters Most
Author: Rejected Acceptance PM
"Losing you was hard enough. It's not easy for me to forget. I know you want me to move on, but because I need to. I've spent years keeping you close to me, but I can only keep you for so long. Letting you go seems impossible. It needs to be done. So, is this it? Is this goodbye?" - Story takes place after "A New Hope" Rated T for language.Rated: Fiction T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,581 - Updated: 01-27-13 - Published: 10-14-12 - id: 8608135
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
How would you feel if the one person...the one who you loved so much and for so long...
How would you feel if they were taken away from you?
She was the only one who saw me for who I am. She didn't judge me like everybody else did. She didn't see me as the criminal who everyone hated. She saw me as me. I was always a loner, but she changed that. Despite her popularity and reputation being at stake whenever she hanged out with me, she didn't care. She was with me because she wanted to be with me. I couldn't blame her. After all, she was my best, closest, and only friend.
A year...Make it ten. Ten, long years.
That's how long I've been in love with her. Ever since we first met. I was a child, but I knew that I was in love with her. And yet, in those ten years, I never spoke a word about how I felt. I stood by and saw other guys wrapped their arms around her. I wouldn't admit it back then, but I was jealous. I was angry. How did any of those assholes ever got a chance with her? It was a question that I've asked myself so many times, and it was once a question she asked me. I told her that they lied and manipulated their way to get to her.
She accepted the answer, and then she asked me if I would lie to go out with her. I told her that I would never lie to her. Not just to go out with her, but because she had my trust and that was something only very few people had.
We had been best friends for such a long time. I mostly pictured her as my friend, but there were times where I pictured her as my girlfriend. The thing was, I wanted her more than a girlfriend. I was young at the time, but she was the one girl I wanted. The one I wanted to marry. The one I wanted to grow old with. The one I wanted to be the mother of my children. She was my everything.
I remember one night, she went to a party. She called me and asked me to take her home, for her "friends" had ditched her and she was scared. Earlier that day we had a fight. I understand that sometimes, some would feel that she deserved what had happened at the party. However, she was my best friend, and even after an argument, I would always forgive her. I went to the party, and after a little "spat" with the host and a few of his friends, I took her home. I was about to leave when she asked me to stay.
It was a night I would never in a million years ever forget. I did stay. I remember sitting on the couch and she said that she would bring a blanket and a pillow for me to use when I went to sleep. She went upstairs while I waited. I sat and waited for almost an hour when I decided to see what was taking her so long. I remember hearing a shower earlier, but it stopped a long time ago, so I knew that she wasn't taking a bath. When I walked into her room, I saw her brushing her hair and I heard music playing. She acknowledged me and apologized for forgetting me.
I forgave her and was going downstairs when she called me. I looked back at her, and it did look like she was about to say something, but she instead said that she'll be down with the pillow and blanket in a bit. I went back to going downstairs, but I stopped. I wanted to know what she was going to say. I walked back into the room and found her looking out her window.
I walked up behind her. I remembered all the guys she dated, and how I hated that each one cheated on her. I knew that if I ever got the chance to be with her, I would only be with her. I would resist everything that could threaten our relationship. As I got closer, I knew that she deserved better. Someone who would look after her, take care of her, and love her. I never thought in a million years that it would be me.
As I got close enough, I wrapped my arms around her waist. I gave her enough room to turn and face me. She asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was doing something I should've done a long time ago. I nuzzled her for a bit, and she nuzzled back. Soon, we looked into each other's eyes, and then we kissed. God, it was the best kiss ever. She tasted so sweet. I never wanted that moment to end.
When we broke away, it was complete silence for a few seconds before she told me the one thing I've always wanted to hear from her.
"I love you."
I told her that I've felt the same way. I loved her. We laughed for a bit before we kissed again. This time however, we wanted to take things farther. We slowly removed our clothes to where we were both in our underwear. We blushed upon seeing each other. I kissed her and said that I wanted to show just how much I loved her. She told me to show it. That was the night we gave ourselves to each other. We made love. That night, she was mine and I was hers.
She was my first kiss, my first girlfriend, and my first love. Yeah, I was young, but I did truly loved her. I treasured every moment even before we started dating. I remember that morning, when she nuzzled me awake. We held and kissed each other for a bit before we took a shower and had breakfast. And before I left for work, we talked a bit and we kissed once more. That was the best morning of my life. But I never knew that would be the morning everything changed.
Soon, I had to fight the people who were responsible for the deaths of my parents. But as I was out there fighting, I couldn't stop thinking of her. I was more worried about her than about myself. I was worried that they would find her. I couldn't let them hurt her. So with every strike I made, I made sure it killed. I wanted to make sure that they could never touch her. Ever since we were little, I always felt that I was to protect her. I would give my life to ensure that she would live.
Perhaps the greatest memories I have of her are when we laid down in an open field, staring at the open sky. In pure silence, except for the wind blowing, in my mind it was pure paradise. Every season, no matter the weather, we would lie there, close to each other, just looking straight above. Whenever it got cold, she would hold me. She kept telling me that she just wanted some body heat, but I knew that deep down, she wanted to hold me. I held onto her, hoping that I would never have to let go.
I remember every single detail. Her hazel eyes, long brown hair, and her smile which would always make my heart melt. She was the most precious thing to me. Every loving word I told her meant so much. She was everything to me. My hope, my dreams, my strength...
I think it's rare to find people like that. People who mean so much to you. You'd give anything for them. Not because you adore them, or not that you would do anything for them, but because you love them so much. They're the people who make your heart race, the ones who take your breath away, and they are the ones who love you just as much as you love them.
The angel from my dreams...
No, she was much more than an angel. More than anything. Every time I think of her, I can't help but shed a tear. I've cried many tears for her. I hated each time I did because it made me feel so weak, yet, the thought of her gave me the strength I needed. With every thought, I grew stronger. Where I fall, she entered my mind, and I would rise again. She was the reason that I had a will to fight. She was the hand that would help me back up when I got knocked down. Despite that I protected her, she was my guardian.
I thought I could save her. I thought many things I could do for her. But I couldn't save her. Death had decided it was her time to go. I wasn't ready to let her leave, but in her final moments, she had helped me to accept the inevitable. I tried to keep her warm. I tried to keep her alive, but she knew that it was effortless. I begged her not to go and she apologized for leaving. I couldn't stop crying as she was beginning to leave. But before she left, she asked for one more kiss. I made sure it was the best one she would ever have. After we parted, she said the words I wanted to hear from her all along. She had said it before, but it felt like it was the first time.
And then, she died...
She gave me something to remember her by. A locket shaped like a tear. The picture inside was one of us together. It was a picture taken by my brother. He found us in the field, holding each other as we looked into the sky. After taking the photo, I chased him for minutes before tackling him to the ground and taking the camera. I was about to smash it, but I looked at the photo. I gave him back the camera, and I kept the photo. When I went back to her, I gave it to her. She loved it. And I told her to keep it. She asked if I would like a copy. I said that one photo is enough.
"Besides, the fact that there's only one is what makes it unique."
I understand that she would want me to move on. To go on. But I can't. For me, it's too hard to move on. I have to try though. It's what she would've wanted for me. However, the memory of her will never be gone. My love for her will never die. But like everything good in this world, it has to end sometime. I don't know when it will. Maybe an hour, a day, weeks, months, maybe even years before I could let her go.
It's somewhat strange to me. We once planned a future together. Graduate school, date, marriage, a home, kids, and the rest of our lives are spent together. But life always changes. Some might say it's for the best, while others might say things were better when they were left untouched. It's anyone's choice to decided if life is better different or the same.
Time keeps passing by. Every second is wasted away. There's still a long road ahead of me. I'll just have to go alone, but maybe, somewhere along the way, I can pick up a few people. Would be nice to have a few people around. I'm not much of a people person, but that doesn't mean I want to be by myself.
When I think back, I don't think my heart was really broken when she died. Instead, maybe she repaired it. I don't know how it was broken, but she fixed it. I guess that some things are meant to be, but what we had, it was something that was meant to last for a while, but not forever. I know I can't bring her back.
I don't think I'm really alone now. She's still here with me. Her memory, her spirit...It's still here. I'm not sure if it's because I still have the locket, but it's that feeling that she is still here with me. I've think I've let her go, but not entirely. In some way, I still have her. Every now and then, I get that feeling that there's a hand on my shoulder. I would look and see, but there's nothing there. But I know that she's there. And that's why everytime I look, I smile.
I can't go back entirely, but I can go back momentarily. I know that someday, I'll never be able to go back. And that's when I truly know that I'm gone.