title: "What Will Or Will Never Be"

author: Darla Kane

e-mail:

website: www.angelicquotes.de.vu

distribution: Angelic Quotes, AI - anyone else just ask! :)

rating: G

pairing: Buffy/Angel - and small hints to Cordy/Doyle... like on the show... :)

disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters - they all belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, 20th Century Fox etc.

spoilers: "I Will Remember You" & "To Shanshu In L.A."

summary: It takes place in L.A. about a month after "IWRY". Angel still can't forget about that day he was human and together with Buffy so the Oracles show up to give him quite a cryptic message. Oh, and by the way - Doyle's still alive, which is pretty important as he finds someting that might change Angel's life... You could also see it as a different approach to season 1... Am I talking too much? LOL!

feedback: PLEASE!! This is my first fan fic and I'd just LOVE to know what you think about it!

A/N 1: The phrases between ' / ' are dreams, thoughts and memories.

A/N 2: Thanks to everyone who beta-read this... esp. to Escy & loveangel! Only the Powers That Be know if I had ever been able to finish this one without your encouraging words and confidence... you really kept me going!

/ "... given enough time we should be able to..." "... forget." /

Angel woke up. He had dreamt about it again, he had dreamt about her - that one day he was allowed to spend together with her as a human. And once again he questioned his decision. Why had he let her go? He had wanted to run after her, to kiss her gently and to never let her go! But instead he hadn't done anything - he had just finished what she wanted to say... "forget"... How could he forget? Nothing in the world could ever wash away the memory of what had happened.

His thoughts drifted away to when he first kissed her that day - her amazed look when she saw him in bright daylight. It was almost as if he could still feel the softness of her lips on his and taste them. All this time of longing to hold her again, to give her all of his love - it had all been in that one passionate kiss. He smiled at the memory of it but soon his smile vanished and his eyes filled with sadness... He had let her go - how could he? Still her words echoed in his mind, / "How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?" / He was glad she didn't remember anything of it. He alone had to carry that burden... By now he really started to understand what the Oracles had meant by that. He alone knew, he alone felt the pain whenever his eyes fell on the picture that lay on his nightstand. He took it and just looked at her... her shining eyes, her small nose, her blond hair - and that loving smile that always made his heart leap...

He put the photo away. Somehow he couldn't bear the sight of it right now. His eyes filled with tears... He never used to cry in the past, he put aside his feelings, even when he was alone. But since that day when he had held her in his arms that one last time, her head against his shoulder, crying just like he himself, he just couldn't stop those tears from coming every time he remembered.

He sat there for a while trying to calm down. He knew he had to. He had to show up at the office above and behave like nothing had ever changed. "Another great night is waiting for you", he thought, slipped out of his bed and got dressed.

-- --

In the office Doyle and Cordelia were already busy looking through some files. Suddenly Cordy stopped with a sigh...

"What's up, Cordy?" Doyle looked at her in surprise. "Anything wrong?"

She put the files away and sat down beside him on the couch.

"It's Angel. Have you noticed how he has changed over the last few weeks? I mean, not that he was the life of the party before but these days he's..."

"... even more quiet and not willing to talk? Yeah, I noticed. Don't you think seeing the girl he loves more than anything again and her just walking away minutes after she showed up might - understandably - give him a bit of a hard time?"

"That's our little Buffy... Could that childish slayer girl not just stay in Sunnydale and keep on rescuing us from the Hellmouth instead of coming to our town and messing everything up?"

"Cordelia!"

"I'm sorry... I'm just worried. He's acting so strange. I just can't get rid of the feeling that there's more to the story than we both know..."

"What story?" Suddenly Angel came out of the elevator and looked at her.

Doyle started, "We were just..."

"...talking about a movie, weird one." Cordy completed the sentence glancing at Doyle. But Angel already didn't listen anymore. He went to his desk and fell down onto his chair, closing his eyes for a second...

/ "I felt your heart beat." /

There it was again - the memory of that one day together... He tried to make it go away by looking up again and trying to distract his mind. He turned to Doyle.

"So... any demon around while I was asleep?"

"Nope, everything silent. The city almost seems demon-free today... scary... I just can't help..."

Doyle kept talking but Angel's thoughts drifted away once more...

/ "I felt your heart beat." /

God, how should he ever forget the way she looked at him when she said that? It showed everything, all the pain they both were feeling in that last minute of their given time together... But now he was alone with his pain - again without her...

"Angel?" Cordy's voice got him back to present immediately. "Did you pay attention to anything Doyle was just telling you?"

"I'm sorry, Cordy. I just..." Right now with all these thoughts and that last dream still lingering in his head, it was hard for him to hold his composure but somehow he managed.

"I just need to get out for a walk or so. I'll be back in a few hours, okay?

"Angel..." Cordelia wanted to add something but he was already gone.

Doyle looked at her saying, "Maybe you were right 'bout sweet little Buffy and the whole thing..."

-- --

Angel was wandering around the streets, not really knowing where he was going to - only thinking about Buffy and wondering how he could endure this much longer. Suddenly he found himself in Santa Monica at the place where they had kissed... Realizing that, he just collapsed to the ground, burying his head in his hands, crying... He didn't even notice that two people were approaching him till he heard a male voice.

"Stand up, demon with a soul."

Surprised he looked up and saw the Oracles in front of him. He got up but before he could say anything the female asked,

"Did you think it'd be easy to carry that burden?"

And the male continued, "We told you that what you wished for was not to be undertaken lightly."

"But still you decided to sacrifice all your human love and happiness for the Slayer."

"Were we wrong by granting you that wish..."

"...and turning back the hands of time?"

Angel silently shook his head but avoided to face them. The female looked at him, nodding, and went on...

"What you had to sacrifice was great but was part of your destiny"

"Let those forgotten memories remind you why the Powers That Be have chosen you and what shall be your destiny..."

"...and shall guide you to what will or will never be."

Angel was about to ask what they meant by that but with a flash of light they had already disappeared.

-- --

His eyes were still glued to the place where the Oracles had just vanished. What did they mean by what they had just said? He knew they were trying to get him back on the right track and to help him cope with what had happened... but there was something more to it - he felt that. / "what will or will never be" / What were they refering to? He wished he could have asked them. But they were the Oracles, right? He wouldn't have gotten a straight answer anyway...

Standing there for quite a while, lost in thought, he realized that it wouldn't be long till the sun came up and he'd better get back to the office.